Drugs of the Future

Ecstasy Lite:
A milder version of Ecstasy that induces a milder, less embarrassing level of euphoria.

Typical Testimonial:
"I suddenly had this contented feeling. Like I'd just been told I had a really good credit rating."

Potential Side Effects:
User may experience a very mild depression, equivalent to the sense of loss one feels upon losing a favorite comb.

All the side effects of heroin, with none of the mental slowdown.

Typical Testimonial:
"Five minutes after shooting up, I was drooling, nodding, and absentmindedly scratching my arms and legs. Later, I vomited. But I was completely lucid and conscious, so I could enjoy every single second of it."

Potential Side Effects:
Loss of friends.

Direct Access:
An electrode is connected to the neurons in your brain's "pleasure center." An unobtrusive flesh-colored wire runs out of your ear and is connected to a big red button. Each time you push the button, a mild electrical pulse provides a psychoelectrical stimulus directly to a very special part of your brain.

Typical Testimonial:
"Like having a five-hour orgasm, with none of the laundry problems."

Potential Side Effects:
May make some users ejaculate out of their tear ducts.

The perfect antidote to a good hit of crack.

Typical Testimonial:
"I'm a crack connoisseur. I can tell good crack from bad crack, and I use both extensively. Anticrack did just as it promised. It took me down to a relaxed, contemplative state, whereby I could calmly and rationally decide to take some more crack. Crack, anticrack, crack, anticrack — I went back and forth like this for quite a while, trying to find an even point. Suddenly a month had passed and I found myself in Milwaukee."

Potential Side Effects:
None when used correctly.

Ingesting this pill ensures a fifty-fifty chance that you will die within the next fifteen minutes. Quite a thrill — makes you make the most of the next fifteen minutes. A gambler's delight.

Typical Testimonial:
"My whole life passed before my eyes. I swore to myself that if I survived I would spend the rest of my life helping others. I did, and I've dedicated my life to turning other people on to this wonderful drug. At least half of them have reported spiritual awakenings similar to mine."

Potential Side Effects:
50 percent chance of death.

You pay a predetermined amount of cash. The dealer then takes you to a secluded location and opens a briefcase full of up to two thousand dollars — in genuine 1980s-style cash money! You are permitted to look at the cash for thirty seconds, or until you faint from excitement. Your cash payment is then added to the dealer's briefcase, making your next Cash-on-Hand high even more profound.

Typical Testimonial:
"The second time was even better: seeing my own cash money in there with all the other cash money was just too much. I had to get more cash money so that I could see it again."

Potential Side Effects:
May cause irreversible wistfulness and nostalgia for the late 1980s.


Comedic Variations on Three Themes

Chemistry Sets
Jerry Seinfeld:
Can someone please explain to me the chemistry set? Did our parents want us to cause explosions or taste poison? Was this really a good idea?

Dennis Miller:
You get that chemistry set and suddenly the basement goes Krakatoa on you. You've got the davenport orbiting the exosphere like Skylab.

Chris Rock:
And you KNOW the first thing you thought about when you got the chemistry set: "I'm gonna blow some shit up!"

Tim Allen:
Ar Ar Ar Ar Explosions Ar Ar Ar.

Bill Cosby:
So I told the children, I said, "Yeeewww. Cannot. BLOW. Things up!"

Rodeo Clowns
Jerry Seinfeld:
What's the deal with rodeo clowns? Whose idea was this? At some point, someone must have said, "Fellas, we've had a lot of guys killed by angry bulls. We need a way to distract them. So I'm thinking, what about — I'm just brainstorming here — clowns?"

Dennis Miller:
There's a smart vocational choice, huh? I think I should dress up like Bozo and divert the attention of twelve hundred pounds of enraged bovine. What, was that job as the bazooka target already filled?

Chris Rock:
Do we need any more proof that white people are CRAZIER than black people? How many black rodeo clowns you ever seen?

Tim Allen:
Ar Ar Ar Ar Rodeo Clowns Ar Ar Ar.

Bill Cosby:
So I told the children, I said, "Yeeewwww. Cannot become. A RODEO CLOWN!"

Jerry Seinfeld:
What's the deal with genocide? Is it really that important to make sure that you've rubbed out everybody?

Dennis Miller:
I don't want to get off on a rant here, but doesn't it seem like we throw around the term genocide an awful lot these days? You really should have to lose a significant portion of your ethnic population before you go and cry about it.

Chris Rock:
A white guy actually said that to me once, "Well, at least your people never went through genocide." Well, ain't I fucking grateful for small favors.

Tim Allen:
Ar Ar Ar Ar Genocide Ar Ar.

Bill Cosby:
So I told the children, I said, "Yeeewwwww. Cannot become. A GENOCIDE!"



I live alone in a tiny room in the back of an old frat house. It occurred to me the other day that if I died in my room, no one would find out for weeks, maybe even months.

No one ever comes over. No one ever calls me. My family and I don't maintain regular contact. If you don't sign on to Instant Messenger for a period of time, no one ever says, "Hmmm… I wonder if that person is dead."

I'm not afraid of dying; I'm afraid of being found dead. How embarrassing would it be to be found dead? Being found dead basically confirms that no one cared about you when you were alive.

Detective: What do we have here?
Cop: Chink fuck-up. We suspect social anxiety, possibly not very liked.

My goal now is to not die before I can find a place to live with a roommate.


Carson Daly will be the guest of honor for the MTV's first comedy/concert event and newest franchise, MTV BASH, the network's take on celebrity roasts. Created by comedian Jeffrey Ross, the show is set to tape June 28 at the Hollywood Palladium in Los Angeles and will air in July.

In other news, MTV has announced the names of presenters who are confirmed for the 2003 MTV Marketing Movie Awards, which will be taped on May 31 at L.A.'s Shrine Auditorium for initial airing June 5 starting at 9 p.m. Drum roll, please:

Will Smith, Martin Lawrence (promoting Bad Boys II)
Hugh Jackman, Famke Janssen (promoting X2)
Claire Danes (promoting Terminator 3)
Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan (promoting American Wedding)
Josh Hartnett, Harrison Ford (promoting Hollywood Homicide)
Tyrese, Paul Walker (promoting 2 Fast 2 Furious)
Colin Farrell, Samuel L. Jackson (promoting S.W.A.T.)
Mark Wahlberg (promoting The Italian Job)
Kate Hudson, Luke Wilson (promoting Alex and Emma)
Ashton Kutcher, Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody, Queen Latifah, Mya, Amanda Bynes, Brittany Murphy, P. Diddy and Hilary Duff

Additionally, Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore will join Will Ferrell, Wanda Sykes and Vince Vaughn in the show's trademark film parodies, which means parodies of Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle and…Old School?

Seann William Scott and Justin Timberlake will host, with 50 Cent, t.A.T.u. and Pink (performing the theme song to Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle live for the first time) as musical guests.

Get your tickets for the 2003 MTV Movie Awards here.


If you liked Patch Adams
Bruce Almighty

See Jim.
See Jim play God.
See Jim try way too hard to be funny.
See Jennifer.
See Jennifer have an orgasm.
See Jennifer tearfully pray to God in an unintentionally hilarious scene.
See Morgan.
See Morgan fail at comedy.
See Morgan reference Ace Ventura.
See Steve from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
See Steve garner the funniest and only sustained laugh in the movie.
See…another movie. Jesus would.

I was leaning toward an "it was ok…" rating until the third and final act of the movie.

To give you an idea of how painful the third act is, Morgan Freeman (as God) actually says to Jim Carrey: "A teenager who stays away from drugs and works hard in school — that's a miracle!"

I wanted to rip my face off after I heard that.

Oh and did I mention the use of a mute God-fearing bum as a plot device?

Terrible. Horrible. No good. Very bad. Gay.

Theatre of the Absurd 4: There Are Some Things That Never Change

The Animatrix
The Matrix Reloaded
Hollywood, CA

Banner handed me my 20th Century British Fiction midterm.


What a way to start the biggest movie day of the year.

I arrived at Hollywood and Highland around 5:00 PM and stopped by the El Capitan Theatre to get tickets for Finding Nemo.

"That'll be $28."

"Wait… $28? For two tickets?"

"We have a stage show before the movie at our theatre, so tickets are more expensive."

"A Finding Nemo stage show? [pause] Fine…"

I picked up the tickets and crossed the street to see Shing, who was at the front of the line for the 10:00 PM day-before-opening-day screening of The Matrix Reloaded at the Chinese Theatre. She told me that Warner Bros. was going to shut down the street outside the theatre that night for a Matrix Reloaded stunt show.

We talked for a while and then I headed over to the Egyptian Theatre a block away. I bought tickets for their 05.31 screening of This Is Spinal Tap (Harry Shearer in person!) and then claimed the first spot in line for the first public screening of The Animatrix.

I was about to watch two of the most anticipated movies of the year with two people I met online and their complete stranger friends.

Complete stranger Mexican geek with a Russian name and his girlfriend showed up early and identified the only person in line (who also happened to be Asian) as Jon Yu. I had just finished reminiscing to them about waiting in line for Attack of the Clones next to Elijah Wood (see "Theatre of the Absurd 2") when I looked over at the VIP/Cinematheque members line for the Animatrix screening and saw none other than ELIJAH WOOD.

Okay, this is unexpected, I thought.

I decided to go talk to him.

"Hey, um, I waited in line for Star Wars right next to you last year and I think it's pretty weird that it's mid-May again and we're both in Hollywood waiting in line for the same screening…again."

"Yeah, that IS weird."

"Oh I remember you! I knew I recognized you from somewhere!" added the guy who bought the lawn chairs (see "Theatre of the Absurd 2"), who was there with Elijah.

"Anyway, I just wanted to say 'Hi.' I loved The Two Towers! Can't wait for Return of the King!"

You go, Jon. You kiss his ass.

After we saw The Animatrix, we headed over to the Chinese Theatre to get in line for the 1:30 AM opening day screening of The Matrix Reloaded.

Once inside the theatre, we found seats, I sat down, looked around and saw none other than PAUL in front of me, dressed in a black suit with long coattails and a bright green shirt.

I can't seem to escape this guy. Elizabeth attributes my predicament to our shared interest in movies. I don't believe her though. It can't possibly be mere coincidence that he waited in line right in front of me for an Adaptation screening, sat right in front of me at a Better Luck Tomorrow screening and attended the same Matrix Reloaded screening as me. I think he reads this site and stalks me out of spite. Why can't he fuckin' vaporize or something? I really don't need the stress of being reminded that he exists.

"30% of your English 166 grade is a C-, Jon," said Paul, "Doesn't that worry you? How are you gonna get into grad school now with a C- on your transcript? I write for the Daily Bruin. People actually READ my work. You? You're an underachieving English major with a glorified LiveJournal! Bwahahahahaha!"

Before the movie started, I needed to pee and as I was entering the men's bathroom, I overheard someone say that Quentin Tarantino was inside the theatre. I decided to investigate at the urinals. I asked the guys pissing next to me if Tarantino was indeed inside the theatre. They said yes. I asked them where he was sitting. They said in the center about three rows back from the front. I thanked them, flushed, zipped, washed my hands and headed back into the auditorium, intent on meeting Mr. Brown.

I saw (Telcobox) Adam walking my way, grabbed him and told him to come with me.

"What's going on?"

"Quentin Tarantino's here. Help me find him."

We made our way to the front and center of the auditorium. I looked around and couldn't see him. Adam saw him.

"He's on my right," said Adam indiscreetly.

I looked to his right. No Tarantino.


"…on my right."

"I can't see him!"

Adam turned around.

"Now he's on my left."

"Your left…"


"This is so confusing! Oh. I see him now."

I went up to him, shook his hand, spoke briefly with him and then [sigh] gave him a thumbs up.

Of all the things I could do or say around Quentin Tarantino, I gave him a thumbs up and remarked, like a total chump, "Cool that you're here, man!"

I give The Matrix Reloaded a C-.

The Hunters / James Salter

Maus I: My Father Bleeds History / Art Spiegelman

raining frogs 20: Mexican-American Undergraduate Studies?

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay / Michael Chabon

The Third Man / Graham Greene

The Third Man (1949)

The Animatrix

The Matrix Reloaded

"There's only two songs in me / and I just wrote the third" — They Might Be Giants


They're the world's largest cult band, and Capitol Records is preparing to expand that committed fan base even further.

Radiohead is readying their much-anticipated sixth album, Hail to the Thief (which is "not just" a swipe at Dubya, according to the band), for a June 10 release in the U.S.

Press and marketing initiatives include:

— On-campus snipes/graffiti wall campaign with song lyrics and phone tree info number.
— One song from the album premiered each week during three consecutive episodes of CSI.
— Bolex Brothers (Adventures of Tom Thumb)-directed video for "There There" added to MTV2 Blowtorch rotation, where it'll air every hour on the hour.
— Landmark Theaters to air "There There" video before regular film screenings.
— Rectangular wallet special-edition CD (100k only) folds out like a road map.

Happy Birthday to Little Willy!

Michael Moore on On the Record with Bob Costas:

Bob: I think you would be more convincing if some of the tone of what you did was "yeah, BUT…" instead of "NO! BUT…" To concede that which common sense tells us is true and then to ask us to look at it from another angle is worthy. To say everything that common sense tells you is true…is false — everything you've been told is false, and here's the truth…
Michael: Who do you think I should be trying to convince? I've already…like…I don't have to quote these statistics for you again! I'm the biggest selling author in America! I've got the biggest selling…uh…watched documentary of all time! I've got 20 million hits a day on my website! How many more people do I need to convince? [anxious laughter]

Unlike many people, I don't particularly hate Michael Moore — I was a fan of TV Nation — but dude, check your ego. Bob has a point here. One of the basic tenets of forensics is the consideration of and concession to potential counterarguments. Failure to do so weakens a case. No argument is infallible. Moreover, you cannot justify the righteousness of your position by popularity. Just because I watch your movie or visit your website doesn't mean I necessarily agree with anything you say. Curiosity and boredom are factors to consider.


The plan was simple. Go see The Animatrix at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood at 9:15 PM and then cross the street to see the opening day midnight screening of The Matrix Reloaded at the Chinese Theatre. The Telcobox people, Jon and I would stand in line all day for The Matrix Reloaded and then my school friends would stand in line for us while we went to see The Animatrix and then both parties would meet up inside the Chinese Theatre for The Matrix Reloaded.

I bought the Animatrix tickets in mid-April, a month in advance.

Then at the beginning of May, the tickets for The Matrix Reloaded went on sale, and I found out that Warner Bros. mandated 10:00 PM day-before-opening-day screenings instead of traditional opening day midnight screenings in theatres across the country, which meant choosing between seeing The Animatrix and The Matrix Reloaded.

We decided to see The Matrix Reloaded. I didn't have a credit card at the time (my father was in the midst of switching cards for me) so I asked a friend of mine who had three credit cards for eight of her many tickets (two extra, just in case) and received them on credit with the intention of paying her back at the screening after collecting the money from my group of people.

Then Mann Theatres added a 1:30 AM opening day screening at the Chinese Theatre, which meant we could go through with our original plan of seeing both The Animatrix and The Matrix Reloaded in the same night. This time, Telcobox Nick charged the tickets to his card.

Then I found out that one of my "plus two," who were gonna stand in line for The Matrix Reloaded during The Animatrix, couldn't attend the 1:30 AM screening because he has class at 9:00 AM on Thursdays, and with him out, his girlfriend was out too.

All this left me with eight tickets for the 10:00 PM screening (on credit, no less) and two tickets for the 1:30 AM screening to get rid of.

I posted a message on this website last week about the situation and someone quickly snapped up the 1:30 AM tickets, even offering to stand in line for The Matrix Reloaded during The Animatrix.

Then Mark requested six 10:00 PM tickets and two other people wanted the other two.

At this point, I was relieved.

Then I realized on Friday that there were only four 10:00 PM tickets on my desk. I hadn't touched any of the tickets since I received them. I honestly don't know what happened to the other four.

Whereas I previously had an excess of tickets, now I didn't have enough tickets to give the people I promised them to, and my friend's expecting $88 for these tickets.

Already $44 in debt for the lost tickets, I reluctantly reneged my promise to the party of six (asshole!) at the advice of my friends and will attempt to scalp the two remaining 10:00 PM tickets for triple their face value outside the Chinese Theatre on Wednesday to recoup my potential loss.


I swear to God, if The Matrix Reloaded sucks, it'll be the icing on my shit luck cake. I'm already frustrated with the movie as is. I've never had this kind of trouble with a summer movie stunt day. Last year, Attack of the Clones day went off without a hitch. Fuck me…


This year, graduating UCLA seniors voted to make lifetime UCLA e-mail addresses the official class gift of 2003.

UCLA students will now retain their current UCLA e-mail address after commencement. The current system terminates the e-mail addresses after graduation.

Other potential gifts on the ballot included funding for an on-campus pub in Ackerman Union and preservation of old books at the UCLA library.

This year's senior class gift is the equivalent of socks. Does any undergraduate now at UCLA really need or expect to use a ucla.edu address 20 years from now? Wouldn't they be better off with, say, beer? E-mail addresses aren't exactly hard to come by.

At orientation, my counselor sat me down and asked me to come up with a UCLA e-mail address no longer than eight characters on the spot. I didn't have much time to think it out properly and ended up registering an address that is, in retrospect, completely unusable.


Yes, that is my UCLA e-mail address, and now I'm stuck with it for life. What am I gonna do with it? I can't give it out to people and expect to be taken seriously. It's become a glorified spam receptacle.


I saw Manic Wednesday night. Along with conversations about WWE superstar The Undertaker and a Rage Against the Machine concert, the "manic" teenagers debate in group therapy on who would win in a fight between…Batman and Wolverine. Haha.


A teenage One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, complete with a Native American guy! One of the teenage actors in the movie wrote the screenplay, apparently not having learned anything from the episodes of The Sopranos written by Michael Imperioli. I felt like I was watching a very special episode of an after-school special shot by a cinematographer with Parkinson's Disease. The actor who plays a white teenager who thinks he's black is groanfully unconvincing, and I couldn't help but pause seeing Tommy from 3rd Rock from the Sun mosh to a Deftones song. This movie is definitely below average, although it has a few redeeming edited sequences.

I met Joseph Gordon-Levitt at the screening. Nice guy. He's lost a lot of weight since Angels in the Outfield. I think he looks better with short hair. I never liked the ponytail he had during the middle seasons of 3rd Rock. The only male teenage television hairstyle gayer than that ponytail was Brad Taylor's on Home Improvement when he got that haircut that was long on the top and shaved on the sides and he would tie his hair together and gel it so that it looked like he had a ninja hair sprout on top of his head.


A Dark Claw movie would be good, but a Battle Pope movie would be even better.

click for larger image

Charlton Heston as…Battle Pope! Adrien Brody as his simpleton sidekick…Jesus H. Christ! I'd pay to see it.

In my Early English Drama class, we were discussing a play about the Eucharist and I thought up this sketch of a bunch of priests sitting around snacking on communion wafers while watching football.

If a wafer represents Jesus' body, then if you put spray cheese on one, communion would be kind of kinky, wouldn't it?

If Jews were Catholic, then they wouldn't be able to eat wafers with spray cheese on them because it's not kosher.

If you put foie gras on a wafer, then you'd be eating two animals at once. It'd be like eating a double cheeseburger without the buns…or cheese, although you could put spray cheese on top of the foie gras and screw a Jew out of taking communion…which he or she probably wouldn't want to do anyway…especially with a mixture of foie gras and spray cheese on the wafer.

If Jesus was female, then you could eat her and then EAT HER, like Jeffrey Dahmer.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Hell, perhaps?


Colin brought to my attention that in the mid-90s, Marvel Comics and DC Comics joined forces to create a new line of comic books called Amalgam Comics, which featured characters who were combinations of established Marvel and DC characters.

One major Amalgam character is Dark Claw, a combination of Batman and Wolverine. His sidekick is Sparrow, a combination of Robin and Jubilee (how gay is s/he?). His arch-enemy is The Hyena, a combination of The Joker, Sabretooth, Harley Quinn and Lobo. He has a romantic involvement with Catsai, a combination of Catwoman, Elektra and Storm.

click for larger image

Fuck The Hulk. I want to see a Dark Claw movie! Come on, Hollywood. You got Batman, you got X-Men, you got the best part of Daredevil — it's money in the bank!

Theatre of the Absurd 3

Mountain View, CA

I went to an afternoon screening of X-Men opening weekend.

About a third of the way through the movie, a baby in the auditorium started to cry. The crying was not horribly loud, but it was definitely a nuisance.

The father of the baby perfunctorily tried to pacify his child.

"Waahhh waahhh!"


"Waahhh waahhh!"


Personally, I don't think parents should be allowed to bring babies to movie theatres. Get a babysitter or download the movie. Babies are cell phones you can't set on "vibrate".

The baby continued to cry for about twenty minutes before the father got up from his seat, child in tow. He didn't exit the auditorium, however. He went to stand in the aisleway near an entrance to the auditorium…where the baby continued to cry.

"Waahhh waahhh!"


"Waahhh waahhh!"


This father must be a die-hard X-Men fan, I thought. He must really want to see this movie.

Another third of the movie (with complimentary crying and shushing) passed. The audience was clearly disgruntled by now, but no one wanted to miss any of the movie to go complain, so we all sat there watching in bitter resignation.


"Waahhh waahhh!"

"Don't give up on them, Erik."



"Mankind has evolved since then."



Doing it all for the X-Men — atta boy.


The saga continues…

p yxi s 042: i kno two guys who both had 21 patty burgers there hahah
p yxi s 042: they have pics of them eating them
p yxi s 042: they both were on a beef high afterwards or something

p yxi s 042: hahah the bald guy in front

p yxi s 042: ate those
p yxi s 042: that's 21…that's the one he showed me…i seem to recall another pic but i don't kno where it is

p yxi s 042: bald guy in front: i felt like i drank a 5th of vodka
p yxi s 042: bald guy in front: i was soooooooo drunk
wrestlepaloozer: drunk on beef
wrestlepaloozer: BEEFEATER
p yxi s 042: bald guy in front: and then 2 days later i was on the can for a half hour
wrestlepaloozer: haha. did his face turn red after the first three patties?


warplayer0: do you usually call it pop?
wrestlepaloozer: uhhh no…
wrestlepaloozer: …did i call it pop?
warplayer0: yeah
warplayer0: drinkgin water instead of pop
warplayer0: i was kinda surprised…
wrestlepaloozer: oh wow. haha
warplayer0: too much hanigng around the wankers huh?
wrestlepaloozer: fuckin' midwesterners
warplayer0: seriously


Senior Damien Pamilla reported that during a break in the middle of his Calculus AB AP test, an ongoing scuffle between him and one of the proctors culminated in the proctor explaining to him that "guys that have big mouths like you — they get their asses kicked. So one of these days, you're going to get your ass kicked. And when you do, think of me…"

"All I could say was, 'Uh, yeah. I'll be sure to do that.'"

Although the incident was not without provocation, Pamilla and others felt that this was hardly the treatment he deserved during an already stressful test.

According to Pamilla, tensions between him and the proctor began during a different AP test a few days earlier. When sealing the multiple choice section of the AP Literature and Composition test with special stickers, he and a friend decided to "twist the packet papers all unevenly and crumpled and then seal the stickers over the mangled mass of papers." Pamilla expected a smirk or a small comment from the proctor. Instead, the proctor gave him a "fierce glare" and proceeded to call him a "jerk," force him to call his parents, and threaten to kick him out of the test. Another proctor simply picked up the crumpled packets and made a humorous comment about them.

After the packets were picked up, Pamilla thought the fiasco was over. Not so. The proctor then demanded that Pamilla follow him to the back. Explained Pamilla, "Kind of scared of what he might do to me in a back room of a church [we took our AP tests at a church near school], I hesitated a little. But after determining that I could probably take him in a fight, I followed him." Once in the back, the proctor demanded that Pamilla call his parents.

"This whole situation was so ridiculously blown out of proportion that, instead of calling my parents as the proctor had said, I called my friend Dane." Pamilla, laughing about the phone call, became hysterical when "the proctor commented, 'You think you're a joker, don't you? You joker!'"

The incident soon grew to include the school counseling department and the administration. Later that evening, the Pamilla residence received a call from a counselor, upon instruction from the administration. The counselor felt that what Pamilla had done was rude and thought that there was a chance that his score would be cancelled. Pamilla argued that what the proctor did was rude and when he asked the counselor why his parents needed to be involved, the counselor "gave no real answer and just trailed off."

During Pamilla's second AP test, confusion about seating arrangements left him and the proctor at odds again. Senior Lindsay Spaulding recalls, "As the proctor walked away, Damien whispered, 'suckah.' Molly [Morgan] and I started cracking up, which, as a result, brought the proctor back to our table. The proctor asked, 'Did I just miss what you said?' Damien replied, 'Yes. I was just calling the guy at that table a suckah.'" It was at this point that the proctor made the comment about Pamilla supposedly getting his "ass kicked."

In addition to his confrontations with Pamilla, others had reports of the proctor's short temper and rudeness. During her AP Spanish test, Spaulding noted that the proctor became angry with her when she accidentally knocked her foot on something beneath the table, and later when her tape player wouldn't work. Moreover, the proctor called her a "huge distraction to the test" and threatened to kick her out.

Remarks Spaulding, "Ugh, he is such a freak. This guy was the meanest guy I've ever met. He would snap at everything, and didn't have any understanding of what it meant to be nice and patient. Here we are, a bunch of stressed out, overworked high school students taking AP tests that could possibly affect our future, and all he can do is yell and scream at us over the stupidest things."

Adds senior Molly Morgan, "He's a total jerk in there. This guy shouldn't even be around kids with his snap-in-a-second temper, especially kids about to take a big important test."

written by Anthony Darrouzet-Nardi and originally published in the June 8, 1999 issue of the Mountain View High School Oracle as "Testy test-giver hassles AP test-taker"