Revisionist Fiction

Jord from wankercounty came over again Sunday.

He was at my computer and downloaded the unofficial trailer for The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (wmv | mov).

For those of you who don't know, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is a series of comic books about a collection of characters from Victorian literature covertly brought together to defend the British empire. Each agent had been a respected member of society, but for various reasons dropped out of public favor. The League includes such people as Mina Harker from Bram Stoker's Dracula, Robert Louis Stevenson's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Jules Verne's Captain Nemo, H.G. Wells' Invisible Man, and Allan Quartermain, the adventurer of King Solomon's Mines and other classic texts by H. Rider Haggard.

20th Century Fox decided to add Oscar Wilde's Dorian Gray and Mark Twain's Tom Sawyer to the "LXG" [ugh] in its film adaptation in order to generate more appeal in the poorly-educated American market.

Anyway, at one point during the trailer, the voice-over says: "They are called 'the vampire,' 'the gunman,' 'the pirate,' 'the immortal,' 'the freak'…"

Mina Harker is "the vampire." Captain Nemo is "the pirate." Dorian Gray is "the immortal." Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde is "the freak." This much I figured. The identity of "the gunman," however, remained a mystery to me.

We watched the trailer a second time in slow motion, matched footage with photographs, and deducted who "the gunman" is:

Tom fucking Sawyer.

Here we see Shane West as "Detective" Tom Sawyer and what appears to be the barrel of a rifle.

I can't believe this. This is a travesty to literature. First Fox adds an American to a team of Brits and then they give him the only fucking gun in England! They could at least make Tom Sawyer "the painter" or "the living dead"!

Invisible Man better be a white guy, dammit.

Jondalf the Yellow

Jord from wankercounty came over Saturday. He's in southern California visiting colleges and had some free time.

We decided to rent the most disturbing movie ever made.

I don't have a car at school, so we took a bus to the video store.

Sometime during the ride over, a black lady sat down beside me.

Shortly thereafter, she suddenly interrupted the conversation Jord and I were having to ask: "Excuse me, could you [me] sit straight?"

I didn't know what to make of her request. To prevent any further trouble though, I…sat straight.

Later on, I noticed the black lady talking to a white lady sitting near her, and when the white lady got up to get off the bus, the black lady beseeched: "Don't leave me here with this yellow bastard!"


We got off at the next stop.

file under: uncle jon's cabin

"You know, with D-Lo [Brown] getting released [from WWE], Justin Timberlake up for two Soul Train awards, Michael Jackson & Mike Tyson coming across as even bigger headcases than usual, Omar White & Warden Leo [Glynn] getting whacked on HBO's Oz along with the Lebron James Hummer/two free jersey drama, I'm going to go on the record and say this month won't go down as the greatest black history month of all time." – Derek Burgan

file under: no slog for this?

Voting begins 03.01.03.

John Malkovich, John Cusack + Catherine Keener

Tom Cruise, Gwenyth Paltrow, Kevin Spacey, Danny DeVito, Steven Spielberg, Britney Spears + John Travolta
Austin Powers in Goldmember

Brad Pitt + Matt Damon
Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Rip Taylor
Jackass: The Movie

Conan O'Brien

Christian Bale slices the front of Taye Diggs' face off with a sword

wearing nothing but tighty whities, Paul Bettany beats the life outta Jamie Foreman to classical music (shot from Foreman's perspective)
Gangster No. 1

Ryan Phillippe and Kieran Culkin suffocate Susan Sarandon with a plastic bag
Igby Goes Down

Nazis walk into an apartment, lift up an old wheelchair-bound Jewish man and throw him off the apartment balcony
The Pianist

Ralph Fiennes glues a half-naked Philip Seymour Hoffman to a wheelchair, bites off some of his flesh while he's still alive, sets him on fire and rolls him down a public street
Red Dragon

Brittany Murphy + Eminem
8 Mile

Moneypenny + a virtual reality machine
Die Another Day

Michael Vartan + Erin Daniels f. Robin Williams
One Hour Photo

Adam Sandler + the voice of Karen Kilgariff
Punch-Drunk Love

Robert Wisdom, Selma Blair + an orange rectangle


The Believer
Interview with the Assassin
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Ring


8 Mile
Austin Powers in Goldmember
Gangs of New York
Minority Report
Orange County

Heineken, Motorola + Taco Bell
Austin Powers in Goldmember

Sprint, Burger King + PlayStation
Men in Black II

Lexus + Gap
Minority Report

Healthy Choice
Punch-Drunk Love

Dr. Pepper

more nominees to come…

Dinosaurs Are Big-Boned

"Been to Vegas lately? Any of you? 'Cause I was there for a couple of weeks when I was on the tour. You know what I noticed in Vegas? I noticed this one little thing: we have some fat fucking people in this country. It is OUT OF CONTROL!" – Denis Leary

I saw a special on the Travel Channel called Battle of the Buffets, a three-day "pentathalon of gastronomy" sponsored by the International Federation of Competitive Eating to determine the buffet-eating champion of the world.

The competition was held in Las Vegas and the grand prize was…a trip to Las Vegas.

The following are actual quotes from this special:

"When I go to the doctor, I don't tell the doctor that I do this, because the last thing the doctor says to me is, 'Whatever you're doing, keep doing it.'"

"We like to do things where you could die, and then, when you don't die — what a rush!"

"You know, I do a little cardio. I try to stay in shape. I mean, stay in eating shape."
[note: accompanying footage showed this person pretend-sky-diving in a vertical windtunnel and two people had to help hold him up because the wind could not fully support his weight]

"Eric Booker, top-rate eater in America, using utensils — completely unnatural for him!"

"He just could not keep up with the other gurgitators!"

"'Cookie Jarvis taking an entire tomato in with that shovel of his!"

"You know, you could till a garden with that spoon. He uses it just to stuff his face!"

"He is going to have to change some of his pre-contest habits if he's ever going to compete against those top echelon eaters!"

"Uh-oh… He is definitely slowing. Oh, he was fighting for a belch, Rich. I think he got it. I think he was maneuvering that belly. It's a very complicated musculature kind of a move, but I think he got the belch. Yeah…"

"Look at her chug that [tomato bisk soup] like a college freshman at a keg party!"

"I almost gave up, I almost did, but then I heard my name, and I heard how close I was, and I thought, 'Oh man, my husband's gonna be so disappointed with me if I quit.'"

"I don't think these guys are too happy with this salad. They must chew that! It's fresh, ripe, crisp salad!"

[after one contestant vomited mid-competition]
"Mr. Richard Le Fevre suffering urges contrary to swallowing! A near reversal of fortune! Of course, in competitive eating, that is an immediate disqualification!"

"One can only imagine what the eaters went through last night after consuming nearly 17 pounds of food in one day of competitive eating!"

file under: this desert life

The Beastie Boys (!!!) will be playing this year's Coachella Valley Music 'N Arts Festival in Indio, [southern] California! The show is Saturday, April 26th. Tickets go on sale Saturday, February 22nd at 10:00 a.m. (PST).

This year's lineup also includes Red Hot Chili Peppers, Queens of the Stone Age, Ben Folds, The White Stripes, Jack Johnson, N.E.R.D., The Donnas, Black Eyed Peas, Blue Man Group, Underworld, Groove Armada, Darren Emerson, Timo Maas, Richie Hawtin, Fischerspooner, Ladytron, Felix da Housecat, Kinky, Café Tacuba, The Soundtrack of Our Lives, Stereo Total, Ben Harper, Johnny Marr, Tortoise, Polyphonic Spree, Cat Power, Ben Kweller, Hot Hot Heat, Joseph Arthur, Thievery Corporation, Dirty Vegas and a package of artists from the hip-hop label Def Jux.

file under: why do i still watch?

19-year-old wrestler Tenacious Z has accepted a contract with WWE.

People call him the "One Legged Wonder."

Yes, that's right…WWE's newest wrestler has ONE LEG.

He can do a moonsault and a dropkick though! How cool is that?

WWE is also negotiating (we're told the deal has not been signed) with Steve Chamberlain, another one-legged wrestler.

In other news, wrestler Goldust, after being electrocuted on television, will return as a character with deep emotional problems and Tourette's Syndrome.

file under: too lazy to really update

A mysterious random girl messaged me earlier this week.

randomgirl: hmmm
wrestlepaloozer: ?
randomgirl: slog 5.5?
wrestlepaloozer: yeah, it's the stupid little oscar game. we had it last year until i killed it prematurely because i needed the grand prize money to buy a plane ticket to arizona on short notice.
randomgirl: ah yes. i remember.
wrestlepaloozer: i dunno if i want to bring it back this year though. i think too many people do oscar pools already. i have another idea to replace it. i think it's pretty cool.
randomgirl: ok.

randomgirl: damn it
wrestlepaloozer: ?
randomgirl: i was gonna ask you to be my valentine
wrestlepaloozer: oh?
wrestlepaloozer: well
wrestlepaloozer: i'm still available…
randomgirl: but what about tony fader
wrestlepaloozer: HAHA
randomgirl: i can't move in on his turf
randomgirl: i'm not that type of girl
wrestlepaloozer: right
wrestlepaloozer: stealing another person's man
wrestlepaloozer: haha

much later…
randomgirl: so i've been thinking, or so it seems, and i think you should go with your alternate idea for your oscar game thing. now i know i'm not your valentine since that position has already been filled (not impressed with mr fader at all) and i really don't know this alternate idea but for what it's worth the new game gets my vote

Plan B it is. Coming soon.

file under: just kiddin' like jason

U.S. consumers, saddled with huge debt loads, are poised to face even tougher times with more layoffs, rising oil prices and a looming U.S. war with Iraq. When President Bush on Friday warned "the game is over" for Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, stock prices fell to four-month lows.

Intelligence information suggests al-Qaida attacks may occur as early as this week in the United States.

North Korea has an untested ballistic missile capable of reaching the western United States, intelligence officials said Wednesday.

Reports of new infections with the HIV virus, along with cases of AIDS, have risen in the United States for the first time in a decade, U.S. health officials said on Tuesday.


ABC's latest foray into the reality-show derby Are You Hot?: The Search for America's Sexiest People allows viewers (with the help of what now passes for a celebrity-judge panel — Lorenzo Lamas, Rachel Hunter, and designer Randolph Duke) to select the sexiest man and woman from 128 aspirants around the country. There's no discernible talent required, and the winners split a $100,000 cash prize.

The goal behind Hot (which begins its six-week run on 02.13 @ 8:00 PM) is a noble one: to provide America with as many definitions of hotness as possible.

Who are the first 32 finalists in the search for America's sexiest people?

file under: old news 3

On Monday, the Bruin Republicans made a bold political statement on Bruin Walk, which the Daily Bruin chose to ignore. Our Affirmative Action Bake Sale was intended to drive home to students the absurdity of deciding college admissions by race through the pricing structure of the cookies we were selling. The structure per cookie was: 25 cents for black, Latina and American Indian female students; 50 cents for black, Latino and American Indian males; $1.00 for white females; and $2.00 for white males and all Asian Americans.

file under: old news 2

The Bush administration Friday raised the national terror alert from yellow to orange, the second-highest level in the color-coded system. Attorney General John Ashcroft cited an "increased likelihood" that the al-Qaida terror network would attack Americans, either at home or abroad.

"We are not recommending that events be canceled," nor should individuals change their travel, work or recreational plans, Ashcroft said.


"Okay, class. Next week, we're gonna learn fractions. Yeah… Plus, I think I just might anally rape one of you. Anyway, have a nice weekend!"

Creation Ex Nihilo

In the movie Punch-Drunk Love, Adam Sandler plays Barry Egan, an executive at a company with a product line of novelty toiletries. Barry has seven sisters, who are all on his case at every moment, and he desperately wishes they would stop invading his privacy, ordering him around and putting him down. He tries at a family gathering to be congenial and friendly, but we can see the tension in his smiling lips and darting eyes, and suddenly he explodes, kicking out the glass patio doors.

This is a pattern. He presents to the world a face of cheerful blandness, and then erupts in terrifying displays of frustrated violence.

I too suffer from said complex. I don't explode much, but the few times I have, I almost hit my little brother in the eye with a screwdriver, whacked a little boy in the head with a tape deck recorder, whacked another little boy in the throat and testicles with a remote control, and scared a fat girl into quitting a school musical.

So now then.

One recent day, I decided to walk to Burger King for lunch.

On my way there, I was happily talking to myself when I heard the Day-O bum nearby.

I bit my lip and kept walking, all the while wishing he was a werewolf so I could stab him to death.

No sooner had I passed the Day-O bum when I saw another bum taking up a whole bus stop bench for himself. His Royal Homeless sat there listening to a Walkman, his arms nonchalantly spread out like Jesus on the cross, a cup in each hand, expecting deposits like hotel concierges expect tips.

About a block away stood yet another bum, this one on a sidewalk with a coffee cup half full of coins. As I approached him, he shook the cup forcefully, soliciting via the rhythmic sound of coins shaking. I kindly responded via the sight of my middle finger.

Okay, I didn't really, but I pictured it in my head. Too lazy to even beg. Un-fuckin'-believable! I'm sorry, I don't speak Metalian.

I finally arrived at Burger King, totally fuming from brooding over how much I hated bums, and got some food to go.

On the way back, I decided to take another route, hoping to calm down before enjoying my forthcoming meal.

Lo and behold, I soon stumbled upon another bum.


"Yo, can I get some money for a hamburger?"


"Oh… You, you want a hamburger?"

"Yee, I'm rea—"

"Okay, I'll get you a hamburger."

I pulled a double bacon cheeseburger out of my bag and threw it at his head.

"Dude, what's your problem?"

"You asked for a hamburger."

"I didn't ask you to throw one at my head!"

"What, did you want me to serve it to you on a silver platter? I don't think you've noticed, but you're a bum. I have money; you don't. I'm the one who gets to be selective in this relationship."

"Fuck you…"

He started to walk away.

"Wait, aren't you gonna eat it?"

"No, I'm not gonna eat it! It fell on the ground!"

"It's still in the wrapper! Unwrap the mother and fucking eat it!"


He started to walk away again.

"The fuck are you doing? I gave you my fucking hamburger, no, my double fucking bacon cheeseburger, and you're just gonna leave it there on the…on the fucking ground? What the fuck! I'm always being guilt tripped into not throwing away food. Think of the less fortunate, they say. Well, I fucking thought of the less fucking fortunate! Now get back here and fucking fulfill your end of the fucking deal! I want to watch you fucking eat it! I want the satis—HEY! Are you listening to me?"

He wasn't coming back.

Undeterred, I picked up the cheeseburger, unwrapped it halfway, caught up to him, and tried to force it in his mouth.

"Open…your…argh!…shit…open…ugh!…open it…GODDAMMITOPENYOURFUCKINGMOUTH!"

He kept trying to block his mouth while pushing me away. This bum's adamant resistance to free food was unprecedented. Then, he had the gall to knock me to the ground and spit what little cheeseburger had come in contact with his mouth on me!


By this time, we were clearly making a scene and, realizing that I had a better chance of feeding the now-deformed cheeseburger to a vegan Jew, I picked myself up, angrily threw the remnants of my lunch at him, and power-walked away.

Yeah, I assaulted a bum. I'm a horrible person.

file under: bowling for columbia

My friend Shing works for Drew Barrymore's production company Flower Films. On Saturday, she invited me to the Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (apparently, Sony doesn't want people calling it Charlie's Angels 2) wrap party at a bowling alley in Studio City.

I had planned on seeing The Hours that night.

Open bar…The Hours…open bar…The Hours

What would you do?

Last time I visited the [San Fernando] Valley, I went bowling in Canoga Park with a Hindian guy and a black chick — both of whom I barely knew — at Jord's request.

The party was held at bowling alley called SportsCenter. They should have renamed the place BestDamnSportsShowPeriod for the night.

Four giant screens set up above the pins showed the three existing Charlie's Angels Reloaded trailers on loop. I wish I could wake up every day and say "good morning" to a box too.

There were two Mexican girls liberally handing out quarters for guests to use in the arcade. I thought about pocketing the $10 in quarters I had, but then I saw the Smash TV cabinet.

Smash TV owns.

I think fighting games were better when you didn't get to switch between multiple fighters. It's really frustrating for button mashers like me. I wanted to play as Juggernaut but I somehow kept switching to Hulk and Venom.

Cars, skateboards, snowboards, scooters, motorcycles, wave runners, snowmobiles, bikes — I wonder when arcade game manufacturers will run out of "extreme" sports to digitally tame.

The SWAT team in the Area 51 game is really ineffective. Zombies appear right in front of them and they just stand there. I can't shoot them all, dammit!

As I left the arcade, I saw DEMI MOORE (who plays the bad guy in Charlie's Angels Hit the Road) with her kids at the front desk.

"Hey, you need help putting on those bowling shoes?" I asked.

"No. Thanks."

Prepubescent bitch…

I got some food and then Shing, her co-worker and I decided to go bowling.

There was a television overlooking our lane set to ABC's Saturday night movie What Lies Beneath. Nothing like polishing your ball while watching Michelle Pfeiffer rub her crotch.

Between turns, I saw Crispin Glover (the Thin Man) dressed in a suit schmoozing with some girl. I walked up to him and said, "Hey you, get your damn hands off her!" Then I threw my Coke down in indignation, returned to my lane and resumed bowling.

I didn't bowl anywhere near three digits until we decided to use bumpers, and it was around that time that cosmic bowling started.


I don't like this cosmic bowling. Whose idea was it to combine bowling and raves? I wonder if poor and/or cheap e-tards spend their Friday nights at a local bowling alley. If there's any sport that should be cosmic, it's cheerleading.

Amidst the gay-oss, I saw McG (the director of Charlie's Angels: Miami) and approached him. We made eye contact, but before I could say anything, he turned and walked away, I guess to go join the cool people…in the fastlane!

I was blown off by a guy whose name is a fucking prefix and the letter G.


When it came time to leave, I told Shing I was gonna piss, grab some cookies and then moonwalk outta there.

I can't dance.