Why is it that the day before Thanksgiving, the top story on every local news broadcast, regardless of what's going on in the world, is always that lots of people are leaving town? Why is this news? Thanksgiving is the next day! Of course the airports are gonna be packed! Of course there's gonna be traffic! Don't waste my time reporting on this!

New Year's Eve — same thing. The top story on every local news broadcast is always that people are partying. NO SHIT! Moreover, every April 14, the top news story is always that post offices are packed with people who want to submit their taxes. Hmmm… Maybe it's because April 15 is FUCKING TAX DAY!

Top stories should not be common sense. Save it for the weather segment. "We've got some rainshowers ahead. Looks like you might get wet." [bangs head on wall]

The Tower Records on Sunset has three "8 Mile Rd. Mobile Court" signs — actual lighted reproductions — adorning its exterior. I want to steal one of them and together with a lighted "live nude girls" sign and plastic baby Jesus and Virgin Mary I stole, the Hornblowers will finally beat the Alvarados this year in the neighborhood Christmas decoration competition. Ar ar ar!