I can't seem to go anywhere without seeing him. I saw him at a sushi place. I saw him at a screening of The Ring. I see his column mugshot in the school paper. And last Saturday, I stood in line right behind him outside the Egyptian.
If we lived in the Middle Ages, I could just kill him in a field and regain peace of mind. Alas, in the modern world, I can only bitterly refuse to acknowledge his presence without getting arrested.
What do you do when a person you hate haunts you wherever you go?
previously on adamriff.com
[on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone]
Paul: I enjoyed it.
Paul: It was delightful.
Paul: You need to have read the book to appreciate it.
Paul: It's funny how they teased romance between Harry and Hermione because Harry goes for Cho Chang instead in book four and Ron and Hermione end up together. YES, Ron and Hermione!!!
Paul: Judging by the first [Star Wars movie], I'm not gonna like Attack of the Clones.
On Friday, I saw Spider-Man with my pro-Spider-Man anti-Star Wars friend Paul. Unsurprisingly, he loved the movie and wouldn't stop gushing about it after the screening.
Paul: Spider-Man will be nominated for "best visual effects" next year, but Lord of the Rings will win.
Ouch. That hurts. He went out of his way to push my buttons. When I tried to rebut, he quickly cut me off.
Paul: [yelling] Jonathan Yu, I'm sick and tired of hearing your bullshit! I know more than you think I do!
I gave up.
Jon: Look. You're obviously biased about Spider-Man and I'm biased about Star Wars. Let's just leave it at that.
one minute later
Paul: I saw Life as a House. I wasn't impressed with Hayden Christensen's performance. He can't act.
[sigh] I'm gonna eat it big time if Episode II sucks.
Guess who's seeing Episode II tonight?
………….my friend Paul.
This is the same Paul who said:
Paul: George Lucas can suck it. That little hack.
Paul: The actors he uses are always much better in other movies. That speaks volumes to me.
He interns at KIIS-FM, the local top 40 radio station, and somehow got the hook up.
I know he's seeing the movie just to spite me. He never does anything alone, dependent sumbitch that he is, unless it's something that he thinks will hurt me when I hear about it. Moreover, based on early reviews, it sounds like Episode II kicks (spider) ass, but I know Paul will somehow find a way to put a negative spin on things, no pun intended. [sigh] I tire of his unrequited competitiveness.
I love Star Wars. (Go ahead and groan. I love wrestling too. Groan groan groan.)
I've waited three years for a new Star Wars movie.
My pants get crustier every day as May 16 approaches.
DON'T RUIN IT FOR ME!!!
That's all I ask.
To think, I agreed to share an apartment with this guy next year. I'm starting to reconsider. Here's to living alone.
I never did get that apartment with him.
One day, the manager of the rental office left a message on my machine agreeing to rent us the apartment that Paul really wanted, and I deleted the message, later feigning ignorance when he found out that we were passed over for other people because we didn't return the manager's call. He immediately called his dad to whine. I…pretended to care.
So I'm passive aggressive. At least I'm not a fag like Paul.
I have to be careful with what I say here because I've been in deep shit before in high school over libel. Made a lot of nemeses as a result of it. In fact, two years after I left high school, Howard informed me that Ms. Price (one of the people responsible for screwing me over) told her journalism class that she wanted a poster of me so that she could put it up on the classroom wall and hit it. TWO YEARS OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL! Well, fuck you too. Anyway, I have a new nemesis to talk about.
In August, Paul, our friend Elizabeth and I went to see One Hour Photo and inside the theater before the movie started, I casually mentioned that he still owed me $50 and it had already been a couple months.
After the movie, Liz and I wanted to go to Del Taco. Paul reluctantly agreed to drive us there, only to sit at the booth while we ate bitching about how he didn't see what was so great about Del Taco and that he'd choose Baja Fresh over Del Taco any day. I fired back by bringing up a bunch of in-jokes between Liz and I, shutting Paul up, if just for a short while. One particular in-joke referenced something on the site, to which Paul replied, "So Liz, tell me about that post. I haven't been to adamriff.com in loooong time."
We then decided to go to Paul's place, and on the ride there, while an American Idol mixtape played on the car soundsystem, Paul proceeded to lecture Liz and I on who, exactly, would win the American Idol contest. I opted not to say anything, knowing that "who the fuck cares?" would not win this argument.
At Paul's place, we were watching his free digital cable (for six months with a subscription to basic cable) when I remarked, "Hey Paul, in five months, I guess you're gonna be over at Liz's place a lot watching her MTV2 and MuchMusic, eh?" because all he watches is music videos and MTV doesn't play music videos. Minutes after I said that, he suddenly decided to drive Liz and I home. Mind you, we hadn't asked to leave yet.
At Liz's place, Paul offered to fix her television reception. Once he did so, we watched some TV and then Paul got up and said, "I'm gonna leave now. Oh and Jon, don't be so rude to me!" As he walked out of the apartment, he added, "And don't expect to get your $50 back anytime soon!"
I have a feeling I won't ever get that money back.
Truth be told, I don't care that much about the money Sarah Madden still owes me $50 for a Radiohead ticket I gave her two years ago it's the way Paul handled the situation that pisses me off.
"Don't expect to get your $50 back anytime soon!" Is that a challenge? Do you want me to pursue you day and night through the streets of Los Angeles for reimbursement?
Liz said that it was rude of me to bring up his debt in a public place. In my defense, I didn't say it to fuckin' attack his honor or anything. Who am I? Shylock? Understand that my mind wanders and that I usually don't think before I speak. I just happened to remember at the time that he owed me money. Nothing personal. I'm sorry if my voice carries. As for the rest of the things I said or did that day, I think I'm better off not associating with someone who's sensitive about stupid shit like digital cable and Del Taco.
Paul used to tell me that he took everything I said at face value because he really trusted me. Dude, I told you many times over that you were gay! Why didn't you take THAT at face value? I mean, you have "the voice", you sit with your legs crossed female-style, you don't "get" Jackass, you prefer to watch art house movies and love the work of Baz Lurhmann (Moulin Rouge), your favorite TV show is Will & Grace, you only listen to pop music, especially Britney Spears and Robbie Williams, you like to sing, you like musical theater, you're extremely close to your sister, and Liz found fuckin' GAY PORN on your laptop when she borrowed it! But you insist you're not gay. Let me tell you, that chick you've been hanging out with lately ain't fooling anyone.
Everything I say is bullshit. Do not listen to me.