xbox live 11.14.02

Jon | Rory | Anthony

I thought the "Rocky! For Senate" campaign (join Rocky's army!) would be the highlight of the 2002 election until Howard told me about a California proposition that Arnold Schwarzenegger came up with. Vote "yes" on Prop 49!

What do emo kids listen to at parties?

Hey, do you think Indians masturbate?

Like…casino Indians?

No, no. Indian Indians. Hindians. (Fuckin' Columbus. Couldn't get his countries straight.) Do you think they "frequent the Kwik-E-Mart"? You know, "season the curry"?

Um…yeah, they probably masturbate. I mean, their gods have four arms.

Good point.

Forearms. Hahahaha.

If I had anal sex with a woman while she's giving birth, would it count as double penetration?

pyxis 042: you know giving birth often rips the skin below a woman's vagina
pyxis 042: so it would probably be incredibly painful for her to be done up the ass
rory hornblower: oh?
pyxis 042: like…it rips a few inches
pyxis 042: and
pyxis 042: babies also shit while they're being born and stuff
pyxis 042: it's really gross and messy
rory hornblower: are you serious?
pyxis 042: yup
pyxis 042: my mom's a nurse in labor & delivery
rory hornblower: well, there goes my thursday night…

xbox live 11.14.02

First you say "WHOA-OH!"
Then you say "YEAH-AH!"
Then you say "SHIT THIS TASTES LIKE ASS!" and vomit unnaturally blue stomach content all over the floor.

"Montana's Libertarian candidate for Senate has turned blue from drinking a silver solution that he believed would protect him from disease."

The MSN 8 Butterfly looks like the gay son of The Tick and Arthur.


My friend Jose writes for the San Francisco Chronicle and I ghost edit many of his articles. Yesterday, he subbed for columnist Jon Carroll with our latest collaboration — a meditation on Mormonism — and he actually used one of my offhand copy edits in the final piece. Fuck yeah! I got published in a major paper! Go me! Granted, it's only one line, but it's not every day you can pick up the paper and tell your parents, "Hey, you see that sentence right there? I wrote it. ME. [pause] Sweetness…"


Every week, the WWE finds a new way to make me even more embarrassed to be a wrestling fan.

Last night on Raw:
"HHH (disguised as Kane) enters a funeral home and starts talking to Katie Vick's dead body as it lies in an open coffin. He fondles her boobs, takes off her bra and panties, smells them, gets naked himself, and mounts the corpse. The camera cuts away to the sound of creaking wood. Moments later, 'Kane' reaches toward Katie's head and picks up a big glob of goop. 'I did it,' he says, 'I screwed your brains out!'"


Maybe Tony Fader's right…


Jon | Rory | Anthony

My family drove down from the Bay Area this past weekend and we attended a family wedding and spent the night at a conference resort in Industry Hills.

I think weddings should have themes, like bar mitzvahs, to ease boredom. For example: a "magic" wedding. Assisted by five lovely bride's maids, minister Lance Burton could make the bride and groom appear at the altar out of nowhere and then swallow the wedding rings only to have them re-appear in the pocket of the unwitting ring-bearer.

When I get married (stop laughing), I want to have a wrestling-themed wedding (I said, "stop laughing"). I want to get married at the Dunkin' Donuts Center in Providence, RI. I want to walk down a ramp surrounded by pyrotechnics while speakers blast a cover of Pachelbel's "Canon" by the band Saliva. I want the bride's maids dressed in matching baby blue bras and panties and the ushers in black singlets. I want to pose in the ring while family and friends cheer and show off giant signs glorifying my future wife and I. I want Eric Bischoff as the minister. And instead of kissing to consecrate the marriage, I want to pin my wife in the middle of the ring. 1-2-3.

True story: I had a dream the night I slept in Industry Hills. I go to class and see on Mrs. Vosovic's class planner that we're gonna watch Untitled Detroit Project/Detroit (working title: 8 Mile) in class on Wednesday and freak. Fast forward to Wednesday. I'm excited, I go to class, the movie starts playing on the overhead screen, and I proceed to dream the movie — dialogue, cinematography and all. So I'm enjoying 8 Mile in my head when my dad decided to wake me up. He wanted to go home, but I kept fighting to stay asleep because I wanted see what happens at the end of my dream! My dad then pushed me off the bed, snapping me outta my trance and leaving me lying on the floor sporting morning wood, extremely bitter that he cut short my night with Marshall.

The 8 Mile premiere's gonna take place down the street from where I live. Hehehe.

Look, if you had one shot…or one opportunity…to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it…or just let it slip?

one year ago, jon declared war on telcobox

Jon | Rory | Anthony

"I think that devoting your website to nothing but Telcobox trashing has gotten pretty tired."
– Aaron from The Marked Fool

Would you rather drown in mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?


Miracle Whip.

I'm-a have to agree with Anthony on this one. Rory, how can you go anywhere near mayonnaise without gagging?

Hey, I'm supposed to be white, remember?

Right. Sorry, I forgot. Heh. Still… Wouldn't you rather go out…in a TANGY ZIP?

A drowning just isn't a drowning without Miracle Whip.

Have you guys tried Miracle Whip before?

You mean, as a lube?

No. As a condiment.

Oh. As a condiment.


For food.


Yeah, I've tried Miracle Whip before as a lube for my di—I mean, a condiment for my Whi—er, a lube for my condim—FUCK!


You know what? Fuck this. You go to hell in your mayonnaise, Hornblower! I'll be in my room…


Jon | Rory | Anthony

Too tough to call.

St. Louis fans, all is not lost. You still have the Rams.

What must Nelly think?

The San Francisco Giants and the Anaheim Angels will play each other in the 2002 World Series. The question is: Will anyone watch an all-California World Series?

Absolutely not.

Most Americans are lukewarm on baseball, and with the Yankees out of contention, east coast fans have little reason to stay up and watch October's most magical match-up. The seven-game forecast calls for smog, fog and low ratings.

Hell if I care. The Giants are in the World Series! Whoo! Don't like it? Miss Grounded For Life? Suck on this:

As you can see, the geography of my state is an aesthetic representation of its hubris. Fuck all y'all east coasters, with your "snow", and your…live television!

Cali, it hurts! [pause] Don't shoot me…

If the Angels are tied or trail a game in the sixth inning or later and get a runner on base, footage of the "Rally Monkey" appears on Edison Field screens, and the crowd goes wild in hopes of a rally.

Apparently, the system works.

Now that the Angels are in the World Series, every Major League Baseball team wants to capitalize on a rally mascot of its own. Considering the history of baseball, I know exactly what I'd show on stadium screens to motivate my players:


Jon | Rory | Anthony

Chinese people consider the number four unlucky because phonetically it sounds like their word for death.

Welcome to the 4th dimension of flavor.

Taco Bell recently introduced a "new" quesadilla packed with four cheeses: mozzarella, cheddar, pepper jack and…nacho cheese. It's truly disgusting. There's just too much cheese in one flimsy tortilla.

Hey Jon! What's it like to eat a Cheese Extreme Quesadilla?

Also, who thought nacho cheese would taste good in a quesadilla, or any of Taco Bell's established products for that matter? Has he or she tried the Nacho Cheese Chalupa? As in, tried swallowing it? Nacho cheese belongs on nachos. That's why it's called NACHO fuckin' CHEESE!

Pizza Hut once had a gimmick product that was basically a pizza on top of another pizza which they marketed as a pizza "with a hidden layer of cheese inside." Again, truly disgusting. I can barely stomach extra cheese on a pizza, let alone extra cheese IN a pizza.

Taco Bell and Pizza Hut are owned by the same company. What about a Nacho Cheese Pizza or a Stuffed Crust Mexican Pizza? Synergy…

You bring me closer to God.


Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

"The trip to Detroit along I-75 takes you between the dense gray spires of an oil refinery and the old petrochemical facility Zug Island, a lump of toxins that ranks among the most polluted spots in the U.S. Downtown, the train station on Michigan Avenue is a giant shell of concrete and broken glass. The clock on the CPA Building has been stuck at 10:55 for years. Fifteen hundred properties are officially designated for destruction, with nearly 10,000 more abandoned and deemed 'dangerous,' looming ruins from the most notorious white flight of the last century. It's as close to a ghost town as any American city gets. In other words, it's fucking cool."
— Chuck Klosterman in the November 2002 issue of Spin

series finale

I see a lot of people wearing U of M merchandise around UCLA. Most people, of course, wear UCLA merchandise, a few have Berkeley or SD shit, and then there's this noticeable contingent of people representing for the University of Michigan. I can't explain it. The only connection I can make between the two schools is that Asian people from California flock to both their engineering programs.

Not one to be myself, I went and bought a Michigan hoodie, and I love it. In fact, when I recently went to renew my driver's license, I wore it at the photo booth so that in the future, when I write a check or get pulled over by a cop, they'll say, "Oh. You went to U of M?" and I can say, "HELL NO!!! I WENT TO UCLA, MUTHAFUCKA!"


Decisions, decisions

"Dump your GameCube. What you need is a Game BOY!" said Matt to Jon Wilcox

Wilcox and his mom

"Get your own weed, Jram."

Nobody told Robert that his girlfriend was on her period

OOH these bitches are hot!

Something bad happens to Jon Yu's penis

Tony and Jord get ready for school

"Trade you clothes!" / "Okay."

Group photo

Closing Comments
My final impression of Michigan? Well, Robert was taking us to Detroit Metro and we had just passed the Roeper School for Albino Hemophiliacs when I spotted the only car in Michigan with an Arizona license plate on it in the other lane. Robert honked and got Jordan's attention and asked him what he was doing driving around Birmingham during school hours and he replied, "I just went to Roeper to steal all their pencils."


Yeah. That was my final impression.

You sure about that? Because my final impression of Michigan was having to explain to airport security why my friend tried to steal the defibrillator on the wall of the Southwest terminal.

Haha. I forgot about that.

Haha, my ass! We almost didn't make it on the plane because of you!

The combination of poor FMVs, zero story value, poor character design, and a "vacation" theme is rather a shocker. The focus was clearly on gameplay only.
It's fast and furious, but still has some so-so background work. That said, most of the up-close visuals are great, but past that everything is average.
Gets the job done, but not very well. Tony's impromptu song parodies prove more annoying than catchy. Decent selection of cute sound effects.
Single-player mode gets old pretty fast, but the multiplayer mode is forever brilliant.
Lasting Appeal
15 hours and you're probably done. It's satisfying while it lasts, but people will still want more. The multiplayer mode is great, but doesn't totally make up for the single's decidedly short run. Only the most hardcore of fans will play through it twice.
OVERALL SCORE (not an average) 8.5

the end
thanks to nadia, colin, the wankers, and jon wilcox for making this series possible
coming soon: adam riff™ vs. japan and seattle


Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

wrestlepaloozer: [sigh] I'm so fucking sick of writing about Michigan.
Jram Royal:

episode 6

Sorry… I couldn't resist.

Person who actually lives in the city of Detroit: I actually live in the city of Detroit.
Me: Good for you. Go listen to techno.

People who actually live in the city of Detroit seem to love telling other people that they actually live in the city of Detroit and not one of its less derelict surrounding suburbs.

I can't believe we conned someone into driving us up and down 8 Mile just so we could say that we've visited a fuckin' road.

Dude, we didn't visit just any "fuckin' road"; we visited the Mason-Dixon Line of Detroit!

Looked like a fuckin' road to me. A big long boring stretch of pavement. I sure hope the movie of its namesake is a helluva lot more interesting. What say you, AICN?

"Several scenes of the movie take place in an underground club called 'The Shelter' where freestyle hip-hop battles take place (i.e. rappers are timed 45 seconds and whichever one disses (craps on) the other one the best with his skills is the winner, winning gives you street cred, street cred is supposed to get you a record deal)."

"There's also a bit where Rabbit [Eminem's character] comes to the defense of a gay guy, which is either an ironic gag or a blatant bit of spin control on Eminem's part (or I guess it might be his way of 'explaining' his seemingly homophobic tendencies — the scene does draw a distinction between 'gays' and 'faggots' for whatever that's worth)."

Wow. People who actually live in the city of Detroit are also, apparently, gay-bashing homophiles who crap their way to success in the basement of St. Andrew's Hall.

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment…because this screenplay sucks.

Great lakes, Batman! Conan does not air after Leno in Detroit! You'd think that the NBC affiliate in a major market like Detroit would follow suit and air Conan after Leno, but Conan airs when Carson's supposed to air, and you know what airs between Leno and Conan? Jerry fuckin' Springer, three years past his peak. What's up with that? At least Comedy Central re-airs Conan episodes now at reasonable hours so Detroiters don't have to sit through Springer's sorry ass show to get to the good shit.

Local 4 is a great channel…for me to poop on.

White Castle is the Del Taco of the east coast. Cheap food for white trash.

I've been to a couple White Castles now, and I've noticed that they only seem to hire stupid black people. Yes, at White Castle, stupid black people serve stupid white people. It's more demeaning than slavery, really — it's what-you-cravery! I guess they call it "White Castle" because even white trash can feel like kings there.

One of the most common violations of comedy is the overextension of a joke.

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

Austin Powers movies are prime offenders. Mike Myers can absolutely kill a joke with comic overtiming.

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

I have a tendency to beat dead jokes myself.

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

But a good comedian knows when to stop.

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.
Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.
Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.
Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.
Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.
Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

Ahem. I SAID…a good comedian knows when to STOP!

Juan Wilcox:

That's better.

We were at Eric's house and he had some friends over. One of them once ran around downtown Birmingham wearing nothing but a thong and reminded me of vanilla. Anyway, Rory and I were about to leave when vanilla thong boy suddenly fell on the floor, grabbed his head, and started flopping around while repeatedly screaming "brain fart." At first, I thought he was having a seizure, but it soon became clear that vanilla thong boy was trying to amuse us. Unfortunately, his act wasn't very amusing to begin with, made worse by the fact that he continued to pretend-seize and scream "brain fart" for a good two minutes, not once breaking character.

I have a friend who thinks it's funny to say "that's prison lingo, right?" even though anything can be construed as sexual innuendo. Every time we hang out, I hear that line used at least twice and groan on the inside…of my rolling eyeballs. I want to shake her and tell her that it's extremely lame, but see, to her, it IS funny, and around the right people, it can still draw laughs.

The overextension of a joke WILL work if (and only if) both parties find it amusing. For example, in Michigan, I was subjected to a barrage of variations on the line "girl, you a tampon!" While I didn't think this particular viagrated joke was that funny, it consistently elicited some semblance of laughter because the source and the sink of the joke was the same group of people.

Girl, you an enzyme-substrate complex!

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

That's prison lingo, right?

Juan Wilcox: Haha yeah.

it never ends…