Jon | Rory | Anthony

My parents thought it'd be fun to talk about family friend cancer victims over dinner tonight…at a steakhouse.

When I told my parents that I declared English as my major, my mom replied: "You remember [our neighbor] Lee Wang? He just graduated from Berkeley with a B.A. in English. You know what he's doing now? SELLING KNIVES AT COSTCO!"

also at dinner tonight
Mom: You know what happened to [mom's friend's son] Johnson? One day, he was taking a shit and soon noticed that the toilet bowl was full of blood. His mom immediately took him to see a doctor and the doctor said that he needed to stop sitting on the john for so long during shit sessions because it reduces blood circulation around the rectum. I don't want you spending more than 15 minutes taking a shit anymore, okay?

[sigh] Johnson was sitting right across from me too…

My parents are dead.