Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

Kinda hypocritical of Kid Rock to be all pro-America when you know the minute he turned 19, he was off to Canada to get wasted.

episode 5

where's my snare?

i have no snare in my headphones

there you go



traffic lights
dangerously suspended above you
from wires
subject to the wind
like your dick
when you don't wear underwear
when there's nothing under there
when you just don't fucking care
when you let your pubic hair

oh you breathe all right
windows rolled down
sunroof ajar
you let the tree exhaust overwhelm you
because it's good air
because the trees are there
for a reason
trees everywhere
more trees than the rainforest could ever need
you hide in these trees
you hide from the black man
hide in your brick house
seclude yourself in the back room watching eva
with your friends outside
and your pets by your side
roaming freely
two dogs
one cat
hamsters and a ferret
you would have lions and tigers as well
but you don't live where the black man lives
oh no
and when he comes, you will drive away
you will "night time" him and drive away in your american car
your ford
your explorer probe taurus
speeding down crooks road
headed someplace safe
like denny's
because denny's doesn't serve black people
and because the big boy has bad coffee

it is 1:00 a.m.
too late to do anything
too early to go home
too young to gamble
too tired to run for the border
you grow restless
because the midwest has
let you down
but this is the northeast
there is a cat in the middle of the street
you consider running over it
giving the veins on the road some blood to flow through 'em
but you are a vegetarian
so you get on the highway listening to the stooges
"the biz vs. the nuge" is
what's playing
it is 1:00 a.m. and you are listening to the beasties
exit 69 onto big beaver
you miseryride down coolidge
reading street signs with fog lights
searching for purgatory
13 mph on 13 mile
right on southfield
unprotected left ahead
you park on the side of a curb in beverly hills
48025 not 90210
and fall asleep to the buzzing of cicadas
smoking a clove cigarette

cymbals crash
you wake and find that someone has put a blanket on you
your shirt is gone
your car window egged
fuckin' chaldeans
you look in the back for something to wear
but all you can find is a wife beater that's too large
with abba-zabba stains on it
you wear it anyway
and go get gas
at speedway
you watch a kid yell "get me the president" into his cell phone
as numbers on the pump increase to multiples of $1.39
and when all is said and done
you enter the mini-mart to buy red pop and apple juice
only to walk out and find your car across the street
in front of a panera
saran-wrapped to an impala
you quickly dispose of the plasticity
but now the headrests are gone
a red-and-blue-haired drama techie with a confederate flag painted on his face approaches you
golf club in hand
and the patriotic man says "you want your headrests back?"
and you say "ye"
and the patriotic man says "on __________ lives a wigger who's always playing counter-strike"
and the patriotic man says "sodomize him well"
and the patriotic man laughs
and lets out an audible fart
and you wonder if such northern barbarian ways are worth the trouble
but you love your car
and you can't live without it

welcome to the motor suburbs

Ironic how the Motor City has better traffic and air than the Happiest Place on Earth. The weather…is another story.

I actually saw people recycle in Michigan too, which is something I wish I could say about southern California. In fact, Tony goes so far as to recycle his pants.

Speaking of Tony (surprise, surprise), six people rode in Jram's five-passenger car one night, requiring one person to sit on the lap of the front side passenger. Rory rode on Jord's lap for a while and then it was my turn to be front side passenger with Tony as my passenger. Instead of sitting on my lap, however, he insisted on squeezing into the back with three other guys.

The raging boner I had probably didn't help.

to be continued


Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

in Danielle's car…
Radio: …so lick it now, lick it good / lick this pussy just like you should / my neck, my back / lick my pussy and my crack…
Jon's Internal Monologue: Did she just say…
Danielle: What the fuck! Not now, Rob! I'm trying to drive here! Put your seatbelt back on.
Jon's Internal Monologue: Is he…
Eric: I hate Andy Jacobs. Look at him smiling on that billbo—
Rory: Shhh! I'm trying to watch.
Danielle: ROBERT!!!
Jon's Internal Monologue: What in God's name is…
Radio: …it's getting hot in herre…
Jon's Internal Monologue: Oh no…

episode 4

Question: Where are the hills?

I grew up in the northern California suburb of Mountain View, and you can see mountains from within city limits. With Michigan's screwy weather, I don't expect to see any crop fields in Farmington Hills, but they could at least deliver on the "hills" part. Mountain View built its own hill outta garbage and turned it into an amphitheatre. If my hometown can do that, then Farmington Hills can surely grow some tits.

Same thing. ¿Dondé está los heights?

U of M = 2D Berkeley

It's like the original settlers in Michigan used a Monopoly board as their building plan.

You know what else in Michigan is nice and flat?

The stuffed panda bear in Tony Fader's basement.


The night we had to sleep over at his house, I took the couch in the basement and there was no blanket so I grabbed this pillow-shaped stuffed panda bear and it was…..words can't describe how comfortable it was.


I mean, this panda bear rivals Dave and Anthony's red couch in terms of comfortableness.

The couch from high school?


That was a pretty comfortable couch. You're telling me that some stuffed panda bear can melt my body the way that corduroy did?

YES. Plus, unlike the couch, I'm the only person who's ever had sex on the panda bear.

[pause] Is this why you insisted on staying over at Tony's house again two days later? So you could sleep with a panda bear?


You sick fuck.

What can I say? It's a comfortable panda bear! The only thing better would be the panda bear…on the red couch! Unph…

Dude, listen to yourself! You're obsessing over a stuffed animal!

I'm obsessing? Look who's talking, Mr. I-love-wrastling-and-verbally-fellating-WankerCounty!

What was that?

I'm not obsessed. I just know a good thing when I see one.

See? Jram likes the panda bear too.

to be continued


Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

— some mom to her daughter outside the Birmingham Palladium

episode 3

The Main Art Theatre was voted "best place to see an independent film" by Metro Times readers in 2001, beating out "your living room" and "the Independent Film Channel" for the meaningless honor.

In addition, "the Main" (as the local kids call it) proudly serves Seattle's Best Coffee. [pause] And that would be…?


Ex-WankerCounty frontmen Anthony (my hero) and Matthew work at the Main. We decided to pay them a visit.

One thing about Tony…

Tony Fader is the Switzerland of moviegoers.

When we arrived at the Main, fellow Wankers Jord and Jram and Jord's cousin Eric stood loitering outside. I later learned that Jord and Eric are both seniors in high school.

Okay, now that disturbs me. Cousins should not be the same age…ever. Why? Because it means that two or more siblings basically plotted to go at it like rabbits simultaneously, and that's disturbing. How would you feel if you found out that during the same period in time, you and your sibling several years separated (or even worse, your twin) both tossed aside condoms and pills for some extensive sexual activity? And I don't mean general in-the-bed disco. I'm talking sex with a purpose. I'm talking major "get in that egg before the sun goes down, you goddamned sperm!" pelvic thrust action. Plus, in the case of Jord and Eric's parents, you know they were doing all this through a hole in a sheet. [shivers]

I think siblings must get competitive. They all know their mom wants grandkids, so they're competing for their mom's favor.

Yes, but what's more important: reproductive success or speed breeding? You think Mom wants to look after five retards and a gimp? Nooo…

Anyhow, Matt soon let us all in to loiter inside the theatre.

One of these is not like the others:
Frankie Badalucco
Giovanni Ribisi
Silvio Dante
Bruno Tysh

Wanker buddy Bruno Tisch Tysch Tysh (pronounced "nahasapeemapetilon") also works at the Main. What kind of cruel parents name their kid Bruno, especially if the surname is Tysh? When I hear the name Bruno, I think intimidating macho big dick tough guy construction worker. When you add the Tysh after it though, I suddenly feel like talking stocks over a round of golf in wine country. Total momentum killer! His name might as well be Bruno Quiche. Poor bastard… He looks like a Bruno, but he's saddled with Tysh for a last name. Might I suggest changing it to something more Bruno-philic? Tattaglia, perhaps? I mean, Steve Michaels did not make it big as "Stone Cold" Steve Liebowitz, and for a guy who thrives on attention, Bruno Tysh definitely ain't gonna cut it in primetime.

Bruno Tysh (…in the pink)


Bruno TATTAGLIA! Tysh [puts his head in his hands and sighs]

We continued to loiter inside the theatre until Tony, Matt and Bruno got off work. Then, we all headed off (actually, they all headed off, and Rory and I followed) to disturb the peace, or rather, this guy:

to be continued


Jon | Rory | Anthony

WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

Jon: Can we go see the Joe Louis Arena?
Danielle: Why?
Jon: Because it's the fuckin' Joe Louis Arena! Home of the…um…the flying tire people…
Danielle: The Red Wings.
Jon: Right! The Red Wings.
Danielle: You really want to see the Joe Louis Arena? I mean, it's just a building.
Jon: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! The Cobo Arena is just a building. The Joe Louis Arena is…Joe Louis' arena! His legend, his soul, permeates every square foot of that hallowed athletic bastille! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, WOMAN?
Danielle: Get in the car.

moments after driving past the Joe Louis Arena and into downtown Detroit…
Jon: What's that statue over there?
Danielle: Oh that's Joe Louis' fist.
Jon: [pause] Who's Joe Louis?

episode 2

One of these is a German Michigan-based chain of warehouse-size convenience stores. The other is a Japanese snack food manufacturer. Can you guess which is which?

The Evil Axis lives!

Poor Pontiac Silverdome. Once upon a time, it hosted Wrestlemania III. 93,173 people — the largest indoor attendance for any event in history — packed the Silverdome to witness the infamous match in which Hulk Hogan took an alleged 700-pound Andre the Giant, pressed him over his head, and slammed him into the mat.

Nowadays, the Silverdome is lucky to host a high school football game. What's even sadder is that more people probably attend these high school games than Lions games.

I hear they're renting out Tiger Stadium for proms.

Let's face it — arts and wine festivals are lame. You go, you look at shit, you eat overpriced food, and then you leave — nothing you can't do at a mall. The organizers of Pontiac's annual Arts, Beats & Eats festival know this, and wisely decided to include popular musical acts to draw people in.

I know the only reason I went to Arts, Beats & Eats was to see Michelle Branch, fresh off her VMA win for "best new artist." She was scheduled to perform at 7:30 PM, but organizers pulled a bait and switch with the band scheduled to follow her, some band fronted by some loser no-name hockey player…something McCarty. Outraged, we left for

Stupid peg game… I'm Asian. Why can't I figure this thing out?

I'm-a start a chain of Nigger Barrels. 33% more soul in our food. Guaranteed.

But there's already Roscoe's!

Well, my restaurants will have chicken and waffles AND Aretha Franklin!

I see… And how do you plan on having Aretha Franklin at every restaurant?

Medium rare. 33%! Oh yes…

to be continued


WARNING: The following piece contains gross generalizations, inside jokes, and region-specific references. Enjoy at your own discretion.

"[Meg of the White Stripes] once worked as a bartender at a blues bar in the trendy northern Detroit suburb of Royal Oak."
— Chuck Klosterman in the October 2002 issue of Spin

Trendy suburb, eh?

Royal Oak: Hey, I can't help it if I'm trendy.
Jon: Oh? And what makes you so trendy? What makes you trendier than, say, Proletariat Oak?
Royal Oak: Charm, a rapier wit, and dashing good looks.
Jon: …
Royal Oak: What? You don't believe me? Why don't you come out here and see for yourself…bitch?
Jon: Fine. I think I will. I happen to know some of your little trendy suburbanites.
Royal Oak: Heh. Bring it on, Chinaman!

series premiere

In Michigan, I was the guy from California. Everywhere I went, I was introduced and/or recognized as "Jon from California." It's times like these that I wish I had grown up in New York. That way, I could visit Michigan over Labor Day weekend and have someone tell me, "Jon from New York, it's Saturday night!"

What would a trendy suburb be without a trendy teenage hangout? The National Coney Island restaurant chain bills itself as the home of Michigan's finest hot dog, and, in the case of its Royal Oak branch, Abercrombots.

+ Trendy Albanian bully eats a dick
+ "National" (as the local kids call it) mascot Mr. Pop prepares to re-enact the famous scene from American Pie

to be continued


"katy's birthday"

Jon | Rory | Anthony

While you remember September 11 today, please also remember what ensued…


Let me break it down for a minute
If there's enough room here for you and me
There's plenty of room for some humanity

You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!

America SUCKS!

"I often find myself discussing wrestling with non-fans, and a common question I ask is what aspect of the whole pageantry turns them off so much. And it's invariably the same answer.

'Dude, wrestling is fucking GAY.'

Do they have a point? Heavily oiled men with good-to-excellent physiques and musculatures groping each other and applying various homoerotic maneuvers to each other while grunting and posing.

There is definitely something that differentiates wrestling fans from its vocal detractors. But seeing as how the leading negative cry is that 'wrestling is gay,' maybe that difference is maturity and confidence in oneself. Maybe wrestling is entertainment for the socially enlightened.

Jim Vanderhorst in "TSO 09.08.02"

our two year anniversary

There's a movie hitting theatres next week called

Apparently, the studio that's releasing SH…SF is so confident about the movie's box office prospects that it's already greenlit not one, but several, sequels. Here's a preview:






Jon | Rory | Anthony

My parents thought it'd be fun to talk about family friend cancer victims over dinner tonight…at a steakhouse.

When I told my parents that I declared English as my major, my mom replied: "You remember [our neighbor] Lee Wang? He just graduated from Berkeley with a B.A. in English. You know what he's doing now? SELLING KNIVES AT COSTCO!"

also at dinner tonight
Mom: You know what happened to [mom's friend's son] Johnson? One day, he was taking a shit and soon noticed that the toilet bowl was full of blood. His mom immediately took him to see a doctor and the doctor said that he needed to stop sitting on the john for so long during shit sessions because it reduces blood circulation around the rectum. I don't want you spending more than 15 minutes taking a shit anymore, okay?

[sigh] Johnson was sitting right across from me too…

My parents are dead.


Jon | Rory | Anthony

I came home yesterday and found out that my parents bought me a Lexus.

What? You better be kidding.

No sir.

What kind?

Uhhh…an LS 400?

JESUS. They just bought you this out of nowhere?

Well, they recently gave away my car to one of my cousins, and I guess they thought I would need something to get around in while I'm at home for all of…three days.

Yeah…that…um…makes sense.

What color is it? I hope it's pink.

Look, I never asked for a Lexus. I'd be perfectly happy driving my mom's van.

Well, I've never asked my parents for a Lexus either, and I'm still waiting for them to spring one on me!

I've been driving the same Ford Taurus for the past eleven years.


Jon | Rory | Anthony

I love how Rod Roddy says "a new car" on The Price Is Right. Usually twice during each show, Bob Barker will ask "Rod, what do we have for [name of contestant] today?" and then Rod will super enthusiastically answer "A NEW CARRRRRR!!!" and then everybody goes crazy. Rod's vocal inflection makes you really want to win that new car, even though it's usually some shitty GM vehicle.

What if Rod could be there for all of life's special moments?

Woman: We need to talk.
Man: What do you want?

Man: What'd you do last night?
Man's Best Friend: I had sex.
Man: You? Had sex? With who?

Man: What's wrong, doctor?
Doctor: [sigh] You're gonna die soon.
Man: Whaaa? What do I have?
Man: Oh no…
Rod: AND AIDS!!!

I had my palms read today. The lady told me a lot about myself — namely, that I don't clean up after masturbating.

an actual ad

Me: Hello?
Jon: Hey, is Rory there?
Me: [pause] This is a cell phone number, dumbass!

"Mobile my hole. I fuckin' hate mobile phones. And the cunts that use them. The ugly intrusiveness of the strange voice: everywhere pushing their business in your face. The last time I was in Soho on a brutal come-down all those fuckin' tossers were standing in the street talking to themselves. The yuppies are now emulating the jakeys; drinking outside in the street and belthering shite to themselves, or rather, into those small, nearly-invisible microphones connected to their mobiles."
Irvine Welsh in "Catholic Guilt (You Know You Love It)"

"I want a lover who beats their spouse."
Jram in his car

I'm going home this weekend, driving up north to northern California to renew my driver's license.

I thought you hated driving.

I do, but I'm not the one driving up, and I'm flying back down.


Brain Fart!

It's 11:45 AM EST on Tuesday September 3. I leave Michigan at 4:35 PM EST today. I am proud to say that after five days in this state eating their native foods, I was finally able to take a shit this morning.

I wanna thank the Wankers, their pasty white friends, their girlfriends, their ridiculously cool parents, their cousins, their cats and dogs and hamsters and ferrets, their cars, their couches, their northern barbarian ways, their incredibly comfortable stuffed panda bears, and God for making this possible.

I leave the state while everybody's in school, so I can't really say goodbye, but I've been around the guys so much this year (well, Jord, at least) that I don't even think it's necessary. I feel like the weird reclusive neighbor who pops up every coupla months to say hello.

December 02 — goin' with the family to Japan
March 03 — goin' to Seattle with Nick for Wrestlemania 19
Summer 03 — ?
Jord still owes me a game of strip tennis… Hehehe.

And with that, I'm out. Peace.