I live in an old frat house. Lambda Chi Alpha. A couple years ago, the frat's national board suspended its UCLA chapter indefinitely after two members drowned during a trip to Lake Mead.

The house has a communal kitchen with a communal freezer. Recently, I bought two pre-packed quarts of ice cream at Baskin-Robbins and stored them in said freezer. I had eaten about half of each container when I opened the freezer one day and found them both empty. Somebody had cleaned out my ice cream.

Anonymous fucker(s).

I considered buying a lockbox in which to store future frozen food purchases but figured that someone could just steal the lockbox. Besides, I didn't want to prevent this from happening again — I wanted revenge.

I went and bought a pre-packed quart of chocolate chip ice cream, ate some of it, inseminated the container and put it in the freezer.

Mmm mmm good.

At least that's what the anonymous fucker(s) probably thought. Mwahahahahaha. Four bucks and four minutes well spent.

Now before you start calling me a "sick fuck," note that many people around the world consume semen every day. And it's not like I have any sexual diseases to transmit.

I wish I had AIDS though!

Anonymous fucker(s)… Eat my jamoca almond fudge…