I decided that I like watching wrestling at Hooters. It makes me feel like a real…guy. When I'm sitting there at the bar, eating chicken wings, drinking pop, staring at tits, and vocally reacting along with all the other guys in the place, I forget, if just for three hours, that I'm really an unathletic, four-eyed, internet generation virgin who doesn't know shit about "real" sports or cars or anything else associated with Tim Allen.

Did I just use the term "pop"? Oh man…

I was in Hollywood and saw a homeless person with a sign that read "Why lie? I need weed."

Okay, homeless people should not be funny. If you want my money, you better fuckin' beg me for it. You better look dead and have a somewhat believable story on your sign — "mom with two bastard children laid off please help God bless" — something more than "I need beer money."

I don't need to give homeless people my money and I certainly don't need to feel guilty about not doing so. Why should I feel guilty about their inability to look for work? I know that if I ever became homeless, the first thing I would do is get a job. Excluding freak accidents, there is no good reason to be homeless in this country. We have shelters to stay at and centers to help you get your life back on track. Plus, you can always choose not to adopt a drug habit.

"Shell shock" and "de-institutionalization" are no longer valid excuses. The Vietnam War is over. The Reagan administration is long gone. Natural selection would have weeded out the weak ones by now.

Besides, the homeless people I see usually aren't washed-up soldiers or mental cases — they're cheery motherfuckers! They come up to me and get all chummy chummy before going in for the kill. Hey, if you're so cheery and able to easily strike up intimate conversations with complete strangers, then why don't you walk down to the local employment office and put your people skills to use instead of loitering in my nice little village? Nice places are supposed to be nice partly because there are no homeless people around. Why can't y'all infiltrate someplace less nice? Like hell, for example.

One illegitimate Westwood citizen stands out in particular. His gimmick, if you can call it that, is that he can sing the song "Day-O" very loudly, and because he can sing this one song over and over, we should all give him money.


I swear, I am |     | close to donating a bunch of perishable goods to soup kitchens this holiday season.

adam riff™ was adopted for a reason

Finally…Nintendo rolls out its big guns.
Like the Kids in the Hall tour with Jews.
Jimmy Eat World, The Promise Ring, The (International) Noise Conspiracy, and Thursday are among the acts confirmed to appear at various stops. 10% of the tour's gross ticket sales will go to benefit the National Hopeline Network, a nationwide crisis counseling service.
The annual travelling digital film festival premieres digital shorts and features in an environment that mixes screenings, live music events, panel discussions and technology demonstrations.
Guess who's back? Back again. Tony's back. Tell a friend.
Donny Osmond hosts the latest incarnation of the game show with the greatest final round concept of all time.
A mild-mannered IRS agent travels to a remote desert region in search of missing money and stumbles into a strange small town. Solve the riddle of Push, Nevada at the end of a multi-episode arc and win the missing money that everyone is after.
Disney and Squaresoft bring us a game combining Final Fantasy-style role-playing with virtually every Disney franchise that's ever existed.
New Found Glory, Something Corporate, Finch, and Further Seems Forever challenge the entire Vagrant roster as America's two most hated (and rival) record labels go on tour at the same time.
White. Jewish. Brown-educated. Cock mobster.
How do you top a blockbuster like Grand Theft Auto 3? Set the sequel in the 80s.
Because it's not enough to watch people act stupid on television.
Bling bling.
You know you're gonna see it.
Screenwriter Charlie Kaufman had to adapt a non-fiction book about a plant dealer who clones rare orchids and then sells them to collectors. When he couldn't, he wrote a screenplay about his struggles trying to adapt the said book instead. Spike Jonze directs.
Paul Thomas Anderson (Boogie Nights) attempts the impossible — making a good Adam Sandler movie.
The Fellowship of the Ring was only foreplay.
Jack Nicholson gives his, like, twelfth performance of a lifetime in Alexander Payne's tragicomic follow-up to Election.


why do healthy mexican fast food restaurants (baja fresh, la salsa) have such small containers for salsa? i feel like i'm at a sperm bank. not only are they wasteful, but you have to fill quite a few of these suckers to get enough salsa for your chips and then try to extract the shallow pools of salsa with giant fucking chips! would it hurt to supersize the containers, por favor?

adam riff™ is a miracle person


Rory: Why would people celebrate victory by shagging?
Jon: Whaaa?
Rory: At the end of the movie, Mel Gibson's daughter heralds the departure of the invading aliens by pointing out that "they're doing this [simulates sex] on TV."
Jon: Dude, she was dancing!
Rory: No… She repeatedly thrust her arms back and her pelvis forward. What do you call that?
Jon: The white person's touchdown dance!
Rory: Pshhh…

adam riff™ is not making this up

I live in an old frat house. Lambda Chi Alpha. A couple years ago, the frat's national board suspended its UCLA chapter indefinitely after two members drowned during a trip to Lake Mead.

The house has a communal kitchen with a communal freezer. Recently, I bought two pre-packed quarts of ice cream at Baskin-Robbins and stored them in said freezer. I had eaten about half of each container when I opened the freezer one day and found them both empty. Somebody had cleaned out my ice cream.

Anonymous fucker(s).

I considered buying a lockbox in which to store future frozen food purchases but figured that someone could just steal the lockbox. Besides, I didn't want to prevent this from happening again — I wanted revenge.

I went and bought a pre-packed quart of chocolate chip ice cream, ate some of it, inseminated the container and put it in the freezer.

Mmm mmm good.

At least that's what the anonymous fucker(s) probably thought. Mwahahahahaha. Four bucks and four minutes well spent.

Now before you start calling me a "sick fuck," note that many people around the world consume semen every day. And it's not like I have any sexual diseases to transmit.

I wish I had AIDS though!

Anonymous fucker(s)… Eat my jamoca almond fudge…


in one scene in the movie xxx, vin diesel uses a bazooka to blow something up. the bazooka looks really flimsy though, because it's not a bazooka — it's a sony camcorder modified to look like a bazooka. what kind of bazooka has a flip-out screen? funny how the props department could produce so much slick weaponry and gadgetry for the movie and still have to resort to passing off a camcorder wrapped in olive green cardboard as a bazooka. corporate nepotism at work, ladies and gentlemen. and i thought the playstation controller/steering device in men in black II was ridiculous…