adam riff™ brings the whuppin' to verizon

I found my dream job. If you're not watching wrestling right now, you're missing out. Anyway, a wedding weekend in Orange County means no update until Sunday night at the earliest, which sucks because I have all this belated timely material that I have to post even more belatedly now. Ad-Riff™ is not dead though. [pause] This is where I'm supposed to say "please don't unlink me," but I don't really care if you link me or not. Hell, why don't you steal my buttons and sidebar while you're at it? Fair use, right? Indeed… 07.29 I get internet and sometime after that, looks like I'm off to Connecticut, Michigan, and Washington.

everything you need to know to be an adam riff™ voyeur!
aim – rory hornblower
(650) 279-2317
10918 strathmore drive apt. 208 los angeles, ca 90024
07.31 – our lady peace @ house of blues sunset strip
08.02 – rufio, taking back sunday, brand new @ troubadour
08.03 – the master of disguise viewing party
08.04 – mc paul barman @ knitting factory hollywood
08.05 – onelinedrawing @ chain reaction
08.07 – jimmy fallon @ roxy
labor day weekend – bumbershoot festival @ seattle center

here's a sample of what's coming up sunday or monday soon!
I can't believe I'm saying this, but today, I sat alone at the bar at Hooters eating fried chicken and watching pay-per-view wrestling on a big screen television. All that was missing was Kid Rock music in the background.

It always seems to be hip hop month on MTV2.

I was at a gas station today when I saw two guys in a car trying to park and thought: wow, they look really gay. Lo and behold, their car pulls back and I see that the license plate on it reads MEN2MEN. MEN2MEN! Now I'm all for gay pride and whatnot, but that's not empowering; it's embarrassing! It's like me putting VIRGIN on my license plate and…uh…er…n-never mind.

I didn't know that Men in Black headquarters had a Burger King inside. How convenient. God forbid the agents forsake their identities AND those delicious BK back porch grillers.

I can't speak for the rest of America, but nowadays, it costs between $9 and $14 to see a movie in southern California. If time is money, then I guess movie ticket price hikes went to pay for more commercials ("pre-show entertainment") to waste my time. Okay. Whatever. I'll pay for the commercials if it means I can be half an hour late and still catch a movie in its entirety. However, I never agreed to subsidize commercials IN my movies.

Will Smith saves the world with a PlayStation controller (after saving the world with an Apple computer in Independence Day)? A Dr. Pepper can stands alone in Tobey Maguire's room? Tom Cruise shops at the Gap? Hey Hollywood, could you be a little more indiscreet? In the words of the Taco-Bell-eating Pepsi-drinking Motorola-using anachronistic swinger Austin Powers: that's not a movie, baby; it's an egregious "fuck you" to real artists everywhere. Yeah!


If you watch TV, you've seen the ads that talk about "friends being out together having fun, you're here at home, grounded, because you smoked weed and your parents found out."

What were you doing? Hotboxing your mom's van? If you're dumb enough to let your parents find out that you smoked weed, then you deserve to be grounded. By the way, I bet your friends are all out together having fun…SMOKING WEED.

My mom told me that she found out about (I don't tell my parents anything) from Stephanie Chen's mom after Steph told her mom and her 12-year-old sister to visit the site because…uhhh…it appeals to pre-teen and post-menopausal demographics? I hear they visit quite often too.


Eh. I'll take all the traffic I can get. Everybody, tell your mom(s) and younger siblings to feel my site! Who needs Disney when you have quality entertainment like this:

ben stiller in details magazine
"[My older sister Amy and I] used to play The $10,000 Pyramid From Hell. It would just be all these, like, horrendous clues. The categories would be like, Things you'd say while somebody's raping you. 'Oh, stop it, stop beating me, you're hurting me.' Horrible things like that. We were around show business so much that it became our lives."


There's a character in Austin Powers 3 called Fook Yu.


You're so funny, Mike Myers! No wonder your only successful movies involve you playing the same characters over and over!

Jokes like "Fook Yu" are why I'm reluctant to tell people that my middle name, phonetically translated from Mandarin into English, is Dong.

My name is Jonathan Dong Yu.

Go ahead. Say it.

Jon, Yu suck….Dong.


I suppose it could be worse. My first name could be, say, Marshall.

Also, my name has no H in it. Let me clarify:

John means "God is gracious."
Jon means "God's gift."

You hear that, people? I'M GOD'S FUCKING GIFT! I don't need to kiss his ass and call him "gracious" and shit because he personally chose me to bestow upon Earth! ME! The least you can do is show some respect and spell my name correctly! Always with the H…

Do you know how retarded Johnathan looks in print?

I am not a retard. I do not deserve to have my name spelled retardedly. I am not Johnathan, or Jonathon, for that matter. I do not have two Os in my name. I am not a fundraiser. I AM A GIFT SENT FROM HEAVEN ABOVE! My reasons for switching were simple. I wanted a better computing experience than I had with my PC.

My name is Jonathan Yu, and I'm a pediatric gynecologist.

charlize theron, talking about working on location for reindeer games
"Vancouver is very clean and very lovely. You have to use Canadian money there, though. It's very strange."


I have an e-mail account.

Hello, i'm your number one fan! and i miss the cows with testacle propellors. won't you say hi to me.

Sweet sassy molassy. He's back.


My self-proclaimed number one fan.

Martin was a freshman when I was a senior in high school. I sat behind him in orchestra. He's probably the weirdest person I've ever met. Really funny, but also really funny in the head. At one point during the school year, he decided that he was my number one fan and whenever he would see me on campus, he would yell out my name repeatedly.


A game of Mountain View High School hide and seek ensued. I avoided him as much as possible and ran like whoa when he saw me; he got off on chasing me down and…yelling my name.

Now he has my e-mail address.

do you really think that i cross the line of stalker hood? i consulted with my fellow "followers of mightily ingenious" members and we think that i have not crossed the line. merely erased it and painted it a mile in your direction. may the allmighty sperm god "maximus penisimus spermiscus boobsaregoodicus" bless your shiny hair cut and those blessed goggles you wear called glasses.

I…I don't know what to say.