June 29. I gotta get in shape now. Too much sitting has ruined my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on, it'll be 50 push-ups each morning. 50 pull-ups. There will be no more pills. There will be no more bad food, no more destroyers of my body. From now on, it'll be total organization. Every muscle must be tight.


I saw a commercial for the Game Boy Advance in which a doctor notices his patient playing a game called Frogger's Adventures and on the screen of a GBA is Frogger jumping from platform to platform in a forest collecting what look like coins.

Since when does Frogger go on adventures? I thought Frogger's job was to cross the road. Why is he saving a dying swampland now?

I have had it with video game developers who fuck with classic games like George Lucas does movies. They should all be ashamed of themselves.

Namco recently released Pac-Man World 2, because apparently, one 3D adventure game starring Pac-Man wasn't enough. Call me a traditionalist, but Pac-Man does not ice skate, rollerblade, and swim; Pac-Man eats yellow dots. That's all he does! He eats yellow dots while ghosts with the agility of South Park characters chase him. No canyons, no volcanoes…just dots.

I suppose it's only a matter of time before Centipede changes time with a flute and the two lines and the square from Pong steal cars and kill gangsters.

derek burgan on prowrestlingtorch.com
"Holly and Valbowski have been talking about teaming up for years." – After lines like this I really wish Tazz would break Kayfabe and tell Cole to "shut the F— up". It reminds me of an NFL game I was watching on FOX this year and Pat Summaral was showing signs that he had totally lost it. He seriously asked a question about why the NFL didn't play games on Halloween to which John Madden had to reply, "Well, this year Halloween is on a Wednesday." Soon thereafter Pat bluntly said, "I always wanted to be a pirate." I'm convinced that Pat Summaral is Michael Cole in 50 years.


I was in the DVD section of the Virgin Megastore in San Francisco on Wednesday searching for "vital titles" (25% off!) when I happened to peer over the shoulder of a guy dressed in a navy uniform standing in front of a display rack that I wanted to check out. He thought that I was checking HIM out though and looked and smiled at me.

Sailor Man: Have you seen this movie?
Jon: Yeah, I've seen Black Cock, er, I mean…Black Hawk Down before. I-I-It's good.
[Jon runs away]

Last year, I hung out (no pun intended) with Jose in Frisco on Cinco de Mayo. We stopped at a Safeway in the Castro (Bay Area gay mecca) so he could buy orange juice. At checkout, the cashier clerk, an Asian guy with Korean thug hair, had a few choice words for me.

Clerk: So do you have any plans for Cinco de Mayo?
Jon: NO.
[Jon runs away]

Later, Jose informed me that people call that "sticky rice"; that is, when one Asian male hits on another Asian male.

I'm not visiting the city anymore.


A while back, I said that I wanted a Taco Bell in my future house. If Tommy Lee can contact the Starbucks company and get permission to set up a Starbucks in his house, replete with official Starbucks equipment and supplies, then I can have a Taco Bell in my house.

Tuesday night, my father and I went out and ate $100 worth of sushi, and at the restaurant, I decided on another thing I want in my house: an incubator. I want a giant incubator. Why? So I can…incubate, and I don't mean eggs or premature babies. I'm-a incubate myself.

An incubator is an apparatus with a chamber used to provide controlled environmental conditions. Sounds like a sauna to me…A SAUNA YOU CAN FREEZE PEOPLE IN! I'd use mine, however, just to relax (I'm no killer!), maybe with a Zesty Chicken Bowl in hand (okay, poultry doesn't count).

jason cohen and michael krugman on rollingstone.com
"We've seen a lot of no-talents become comedy superstars in our time, from Chris Farley to David Sedaris to Jimmy Fallon, but damned if we've ever been forced to deal with someone as infinitely non-talented as Jack Black. We hate his irritating persona, his stupid metal song parodies (Ronnie James Diothere's a target!), and the fact that he's really just another corporate celebrity whore whose comedy features nary a whiff of danger or drama. Hell, the other fat fuck in Tenacious D is funnier. And he sucks…"

aim patrol!
Joe, it's W-E-I-rd, not W-I-E-rd, unless you mean to talk about W-I-E-ner, in which case the I before E is appropriate.

Bob, it's P-I-E-ce of bastage, not P-E-I-ce of bastage, and tomorrow only has one M in it, unless you actually have to "work Tom Morrow" (a client? use protection).

Adam, it's RIdiculous, not REdiculous. Ridiculous means "arousing or deserving ridicule"; rediculous means "to diculous again."

Ty, who are you kidding? You're white, you love Costco, and you rollerblade. Give it up.

Jon, it's altAR boys, not altER boys, although considering the history of the Catholic church, it might as well be spelled with an E.

To whom it may concern, XVinXDieselXcanXshitXaXbetterXscreenXnameX. Why not add numbers to the end while you're at it?


Nowadays, most people have digital cable or satellite television, systems that feature hundreds of channels, 30 or so of which are neatly categorized digital music channels (rock, rap, etc.) that have no picture and just play their respective music all day.

Does anybody actually watch, er, listen to these channels?

Do you watch the radio? No! You listen to it while doing something else, something active. Radio is a hot medium; television is a cool one. In theory, you don't do anything else but watch a television when you watch television, and eliminating what to watch completely defeats the purpose of television. So what if the music is digital? MP3s are digital too, and you can at least mess around on a computer while listening to them. Watching digital music channels is like listening to porn.


I'm home. My parents gave away my car. It's been quite a week.

Last Tuesday, I received a phone call.

Winston: Jon! It's for you!
Jon: Who is it?
Winston: Jord.

JORD? What the fuck? Uhhh…okay…

I picked up the phone.

Jon: …Hello?
"Jord": Hey, it's Jord. You know, from WankerCounty?

Oh. It's just unfunny Jose pretending to be Jord because he thinks it's really funny. Ha. ha.

The next day, I received another phone call.

Winston: Jon! It's for you!
Jon: Who is it?
Winston: Jord.

Oh for God's sake! Stupid Jose…

Jon: Hey.
"Jord": 'Sup? It's Jord.
Jon: Roight. Yes yes.
"Jord": Hold on. I'm-a work a conference call between you, me, and J-Ram.

Wait… If he's Jord, then who's……fuckin' A! The real Jord knows my home phone number too.

People, please stop calling me under the name "Jord." It messes with my head.


Nothing is funnier than an angry Phil Jackson. Can you believe that this guy is one year away from having an NBA championship ring for each finger? Bling bling indeed.

I met a girl yesterday. I asked her for some happy news, but she just stared and turned away.

"Oh no you don't, bitch!" I said. "I asked you for some happy news and I ain't leavin' till you make me fuckin' happy!"

Once again, she didn't respond. I figured she was deaf or mute or something and took it upon myself to strip her naked. If she screamed, I could always pass myself off as a paragynecologist, but she didn't say anything. Within a minute, we were both without clothing, and I was ready to lose my virginity.

Shit. No condom. Change of plan.

Robert once told me that a guy should always go down first and do it well so that his partner becomes super motivated to return the favor.

I threw a Listerine Pocket Pak strip in my mouth, took a deep breath, and dove in.

Not a peep from this girl. Was I doing something wrong? I went up and down left and right in out fast slow mince crush blend chop dice frappe liquify puree whip shred pulp beat — I explored every nook and cranny of her Great Barrier Queef.


WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Moan, you fuckin' cunt! Moan, goddammit! [pause] Fine. If you're not gonna moan, I'll make you moan.

Note to self: never force a boner down someone's throat.

She flat out refused to say "ah." My poor dick nearly injured itself trying to chisel a way through her pearly enamel wall.

I've heard that your first time usually isn't that great, but this was ridiculous.

I was all ready to raise trou when I noticed a hole in her body slightly above her left nipple. I thought about weighing the consequences of unprotected sex with a nipple (mammocular herpes?) before I did anything stupid, but my libido couldn't wait. So I sat on her face, threw her legs around my neck, and began humping her left nipple, chafing silicone with every pelvic thrust…in and out…in and out…of a BOOBIE, no less!

Look, mum! I'm poppin' me cherry! Marie Callender can go fuck herself now!

It was then I realized that this girl had just been shot dead and that this was the scene of a crime.

I did it with Exhibit A.


Happy 21st birthday, Natalie Portman.

I've always thought June 9 would be a cool birthday to have.

6. 9.


Bob's birthday is March 11.
J-Ram's birthday is April 1.
Katy's birthday is September 11.
Rob's birthday is October 31.
Kim's birthday is December 25.
Eddie's birthday is December 31.
All cool birthdays to have. Unfortunately, none of them are mine.


My birthday is a fucking hat size.


Tommy Fiddle ith nye halo. Whoo!

I looovvveee eminem so much.I amhis #1 fan.He luvs me and i luv him.. .I like to hang out with my friends,and listen to music.I would have put eminem more in my keywords but it didn't fit. if u don't like the lakers or eminem don't talk 2 me. ME + EMINEM = 4EVER I luv eminem Eminem luvs me I luv eminem Eminem luvs me

According to Live 105, Tuesday was National Masturbation Day. Then again, so was Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

Chuck Chuck bo buck banana fana fo fuck…

I said the F word.

Psss. The F word is "fingerbang."


I said the F word again.

Hee hee hee. Fingerbang. It's like sex…WITH A FINGER! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

In the year 2000…a college student will take his first puff of marijuana and realize that 'soy milk' in Spanish means "I am milk." He will then laugh…for six solid hours.

That's not Britney Spears! It's a man, baby!

Manbaby = Vin Diesel.

"It's OK. Please don't cry. Come on in on the couch. The news will be on any minute. We can do it there."

"It? Do it? What?"

"Have sexual intercourse. Maybe there'll be something about China tonight. I like to do it while they talk about Vietnam, but China is best of all. You think about all those Chinese. Teeming. That profusion of life. It makes it sexier, right?"

John Mayer is dating Vanessa Carleton. If they mate, they will have the MOST BORING CHILDREN EVER.

Zoom zoom.

Who does this Ticketmaster think he is? Oooh…I'm the Ticketmaster! The Master of Tickets! Dr. No Admittance! I can do anything I want! That includes tacking ridiculously exorbitant convenience charges onto every purchase! Hahahahaha! Did you see how I called them "convenience" charges? Because they're, like, totally not! ROFL!

Girls who drink milk but won't swallow cum should SHUT UP.

As you can see, I've been up for way too long writing this paper. WeeeeeeEEEEEE!!!


something for everyone

I attended the 2002 MTV Movie Awards last weekend, partly to see Jack Black in hi-larious spoofs of Spider-Man and Fellowship of the Ring but mainly out of love for the Republic. Fuck Anakin. I looooove politicians.

From the moment I saw Natalie Portman all those years ago, not a day has gone by when I haven't thought of her. And now that I was with her but stuck at the back of the balcony, I was in agony. The closer you get to her, the worse it gets. The thought of not being with her…I couldn't breathe!

[sigh] So close, yet so far away.

Speaking of Star Wars, Lucas deleted footage from Attack of the Clones of Count Dooku fighting Yoda with two lightsabers.