"i could be condemned to hell for every sin but littering"
"While traveling to the west coast is great, California bites because there are no Cracker Barrels there."
"I read a few Scorpion King reviews today. It was pegged as a vacuous movie that the audience will love and is fun to watch. Rock was praised for his comedic timing. It probably will do huge business."
How does Spider-Man breathe in that mask?
Priest: Boys, this is it. Madison's! I hear it's a good place to pick up kids.
Minister: I never thought little children could be so sexy. [pause] Did I say that out loud?
Rabbi: Oi vey! $10 cover charge…
Guy: What up, Steve-O?
Mexican Guy: ¿Qué pasa, Esteban?
Girl: Hi Steve. Good to see you again.
Steve: [to all four] Do I know you people?
Bartender: So what'll it be for ya?
Steve: Gimme some water.
Bartender: Heh. Only water I serve has got barley and hops in it. Hey everybody, do we serve water in this bar?
Everybody: HELL NO H2O!!!
Steve: Fine. [pause] Gimme a Whoop Ass then.
Bartender: You want me to open it for ya?
Steve: Well, yeah. That's your job. Don't make me open up a can of Whoop Ass!
Bartender: Here ya go. One Whoop Ass.
[Steve chugs the Whoop Ass]
Steve: Gimme another one.
[Steve chugs another Whoop Ass]
Steve: Keep 'em comin'!
30 minutes later…
Steve: One more!
Bartender: Sorry, buddy. We're outta Whoop Ass. You drank our entire supply tonight.
Steve: What else you got?
Bartender: Wait. You want MORE? Dude, by now, vampires could get wasted off your blood! What happened to drinking responsibly?
Steve: [pause] Why don't you go get yourself a nice tall glass of SHUT UP juice? And while you're at it, get me something to drink!
Bartender: [sigh] Well, we just got this shipment of Olde English that you see right behind me and…WHAT THE FUCK? [to everybody] Which one of you assholes took one without paying? I explicitly remember putting 99 bottles on the wall and I'm only counting 98 right now! Who did it? WHO? No one's leaving here until someone fesses up!
Woman: Hey there, good lookin'. What's your name?
Woman: Bud. Cute name. So Bud, what do you do for fun?
Woman: You like to smoke marijuana?
Woman: Oh you call it "bud." Okay, I'll call it "bud" too. So you like to smoke bud. What else do you do for fun?
Woman: I wasn't talking to you, mister! I was talking to…uhhh… [to Bud] What's your name again?
Woman: Bud! That's it. I was talking to Bud! Now go away.
Woman: I told you to go away! What do you want?
Woman: [to Bud] You know this guy? He one of your stoner acquaintances? Are you a dealer? Don't play me for a fool!
Woman: Yeah. Like he said. I'm not dumb; I'm wise!
Hey kids! It's time for another…
Never mind Jar Jar Binks. There's a new all-CGI character in Episode II, and from Lucasfilm's description, those who hated the cartoon-like Gungan may want to start sharpening their knives for Dexter Jettster. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) plays detective in Episode II, searching for the forces behind an assassination attempt on queen-turned-senator Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman). Along the way, he gets some key info from Jettster, whom Lucasfilm describes as "an enormous character straight out of a 40s detective film." Dexter has four massive arms, and wears "a grubby shirt, greasy apron and pants that tend to slide." Uh-oh.
Four more weeks until Attack of the Clones tickets go on sale. The movie hits theaters Thursday May 16.
I moved into my new room.
Turns out my new roommate attended St. Fascist, the other high school in my hometown. Plus, he has A CAR on campus. Lucky motherfucker.
I read 50 pages of Jane Eyre on Tuesday and 150 pages on Thursday. Only 300 pages left. Whoo!
"'Go!' ejaculated Miss Ingram, and the man went."
In Jane Eyre, the verb "ejaculate" is a synonym for "say" or "speak."
Mom: Joe, I just ejaculated with the principal of your school on the phone.
Mom: Did you ejaculate some inappropriate stuff during the morning announcements today?
Mom: I didn't hear you. Ejaculate louder.
Joe: Yeah, I did.
Mom: Look at me. Ejaculate it to my face!
Cardinal: Ejaculating on behalf of the bride and groom, if anyone here has any objections to this couple getting married, let them ejaculate now or forever hold their peace!
now reading: Jane Eyre + Hobomok and Other Writings on Indians