i lost my job to a machine

"livin' libido loco"

Joe: know any good porn stars?
Rory: uhhh
Rory: i don't look at porn
Joe: WHAAAAAT?!@#$%^
Joe: are you gay or something?
Rory: no
Rory: it's just useless to me
Rory: i have no sex drive
Rory: never have
Rory: never will

Has anyone seen my libido? I think my career-oriented mind threw it away when I was little. At my age, I should be preoccupied with deviant sexual behavior like fisting, kickfucking and felching, NOT my future! Eunuchs have more fulfilling sex lives than I do. [sigh] Never been kissed, but know how to file taxes. Hooray for me.

Howard: we did a survey
Howard: only 70 percent of guys admit to masturbating
Rory: you don't believe that?
Howard: no
Rory: 70% is a lot
Howard: nah
Howard: teenage males?
Rory: when you have mormons in the world
Rory: yeah!
Howard: i kinda believe the 18% for girls
Rory: girls mostly take showers nowadays
Howard: i guess i just get a distorted perspective jacking off 2 times a day…
Howard: i'm masturbating for two
Rory: wow
Rory: 14 times a week?!
Howard: wow
Howard: i never thought of it that way
Rory: are you serious?
Howard: depends on the week
Howard: certainly over the summer
Rory: and what is a bad week?
Rory: 9 times?
Rory: jesus ranch
Rory: i think maybe it's just you
Howard: maybe
Rory: with the 70%
Howard: or you are just
Howard: asexual
Rory: ok mister
Rory: how much do i need to jerk?
Rory: what is par for the course?
Rory: enlighten me
Howard: 5 times a week
Howard: i have friends who get like 5 plus a DAY
Howard: but they all smoke weed
Howard: so
Howard: uh
Rory: shit
Rory: in that case
Rory: i'm 6 under par
Rory: …and totally clean

you'd be cuter if i shot you in the face

"negative feedback"

stop this.
i can't hide it anymore.

i hate you.
you ruin everything.
the one chance i had,
the one time it was really great –
you hid it from me.
you took all that i had hoped for and dreamed of.

you threw it away under the stars of the sands of the whistling desert
whistling like a sugar-lipped snake.
that one night.
that one stupid stupid night.

killing me.
tempting me.
eating my soul for lunch,
three times a day with extra helpings of lard.

i never wanted you.
all i wanted was art.

i'll never let you win again.
you can't fool me.
i'm not your toy.
i don't love you.

go away.
go to hell.
i'm not coming.
you can't take me with you.
you've led me far enough.
this time i'm leaving you behind.
i've learned my lesson.

too late.



written by Dave Harris and originally published in the Spring 1999 issue of the Mountain View High School Icarus as "Please Stop"

glass breaking

"a middle finger to the institution"

My friend Paul absolutely hates Star Wars movies. Something about bad acting and bad dialogue. Note that the last movie he willingly saw was an Indian movie called Lagaan.

Yes, Star Wars movies have quite a few flaws, but I still enjoy them (even The Phantom Menace)…because they're FUN.

Paul really wants to see Spider-Man. He's worried though that Kirsten Dunst's acting skills will be woefully misused in the movie.

I also really wanna see Spider-Man, but I really wanna see Attack of the Clones MORE.

A few days ago in a galaxy far far away, Paul and I went to war on AIM.

Paul: George Lucas can suck it. That little hack.
Paul: The actors he uses are always much better in other movies. That speaks volumes to me.

Only a completely depraved individual could say such things. He then proceeded to discuss the importance of good acting and his refusal to see The Scorpion King precisely because it lacked this so-called "good acting."

[shakes head]

Reaching into my passive-aggressive bag of tricks, I decided to take his comments out of context and put them in my AIM profile along with some never-before-seen material.

Paul: George Lucas can suck it. That little hack.
Paul: The actors he uses are always much better in other movies. That speaks volumes to me.
Rory: Okay, are you sure you aren't gay?
[sigh] send out the virgin hunters

The last line was Jord's idea.

Little did I realize that people actually look at profiles. Paul soon messaged to chew me out for twisting his words. Oh no! I'm shaking… No stranger to silly feuds (see: high school, Telcobox), I strung him along to see how much I could aggravate him. Good times.

Paul: http://www.spidermanhype.com
Paul: Take that, bitch!
Paul: If you can pull yourself away from Lucas' dick long enough.
Paul: Tell me, which of his balls hangs lower, the left or the right?
Paul: :-D
Rory: actually
Rory: they both sag pretty low
Rory: kinda like your tits
Paul: Touche.
Paul: But not as low as George's tits.
Rory: hey
Rory: he's old…
Paul: but you'd still fuck him.
Rory: in a heartbeat
Paul: "Robert, Steven, meet my new bitch, Jon.
Paul: Jon's VERY good.
Paul: Aren't you, Jon?"
Paul: [George yanks on leash]
Paul: [Jon whimpers, then nods incessantly]
Rory: oh now you've gone and done it
Rory: blasphemous!
Paul: Don't fuck with me, Jon.
Paul: You don't know what you're up against.
Rory: well, if you'd just step outta the closet for a second, maybe i'd be able to get a better look at you
Rory: =P
Paul: You first, Jon. I insist.
Paul: :-P
Rory: ok
Rory: let's use simple logic
Paul: Oh, so you ARE gay, then? I was just getting dressed.
Rory: sam raimi has made (what?) three movies in his entire career?
Paul: With that logic,
Paul: all first pictures suck.
Rory: EXACTLY <--- typed with The Phantom Menace in mind
Paul: That's BULLSHIT!
Paul: Suck on that, you prick.
Rory: uhhhh
Rory: that was lucas' second film
Paul: God, you are such a dork.
Paul: If you wanna play that way,
Rory: i believe his first film was THX 1138
Paul: then student films count.
Paul: That's not fair.
Paul: Of course you'd suck in film school!
Paul: That's why you're there!
Paul: So you'd no longer suck!
Rory: ok
Rory: let's try something else
Paul: OK, fine.
Rory: what's to say that both films won't do equally well?
Rory: and won't be equally good?
Paul: YOU'RE the one who started this competition shit, not me.
Rory: that is true
Paul: I'd love to see them both do equally well.
Rory: well, ok then
Rory: we'll see spider-man
Rory: and we'll see AOTC
Rory: court is adjourned
Paul: And neither one of us was found in contempt?
Paul: Amazing!
Paul: And why do you get to be the judge, all of a sudden?
Paul: That's so typical of you.
Rory: ok. you can be the judge.
Paul: No! You're the prosecution, and I'm the defense.
Paul: Like I said, YOU started it.
Rory: wait
Rory: you're defending "spider-man" right?
Paul: And my heterosexuality, among other things.
Paul: May I reiterate that you came out swinging with,
Paul: "I hope it sucks."
Rory: WHEN?
Paul: "I want it to fail."
Rory: hahahahaha
Rory: when did i say that?
Paul: Last night, preceding my "George Lucas is a hack" comment.
Paul: Since you showed aggression first, in your trademark passive-aggressive way,
Paul: you are counsel, and I am public defender.
Rory: roight
Paul: And I'm praying for a hung jury.
Paul: But on the homo count, not guilty.
Paul: And I want damages.
Paul: Upwards of $2.3 million dollars.
Paul: That sounds fair.
Paul: ;-)
Rory: oh yes. you WOULD be praying for a hung jury.
Rory: lol
Paul: Oh, I'd slap with you with slander soooo quick…
Paul: but technically, this is all written,
Paul: so it'd be libel…
Rory: yes
Paul: You couldn't even insult me to my face.
Rory: i'm well trained
Rory: in the arts of distant libel
Paul: That's so cowardly, Jon.
Rory: but see
Rory: why would i insult you to your face?
Rory: that would be mean of me
Rory: and i'm not like that
Paul: Oh, and the profile wasn't mean. Gotcha.
Paul: Unbelievable.

this party's over

"my prophecy says you're dead"

I apologize for the current string of unoriginal posts. I've been busy. No, I didn't get a life; I got swamped with shit to do. Two books to read and 16 pages to write in the next seven days minus procrastination time. I wish I could freeze time like Evie on Out of this World. Sometimes there's so much work in the world I feel like I can't take it…and my heart is gonna cave in. [sigh] Fuck me. I'm screwed. I do it to myself though.

funny purple

Heinz recently revealed its new product for kids: Heinz EZ Squirt Mystery Color. Three new colors of ketchup (Passion Pink, Awesome Orange and Totally Teal) will hit grocers' shelves nationwide next week, but children and parents won't have a clue what's inside the EZ Squirt bottles until they squirt it. If history is any indication, kids won't leave those bottles on the shelves for long. Heinz's most recent condiment coups, Blastin' Green and Funky Purple EZ Squirt, gripped the imaginations of children and have sold more than 20 million bottles since October 2000.

In other news, I also have a new product for kids: Jon Yu EZ Squirt Mystery Color. Four new colors of semen (Flaming Gray, Ku Klux Tan, No Name for a Puce, and Illegitimate Baby Blue that turns Mad Plaid when you add milk) are now available, but children and parents won't have a clue what's inside until they squirt it.

Hey kids! It's time for another…


Lucasfilm launched three websites supporting a grassroots poster campaign for Episode II.

The posters have started showing up on college campuses across North America, advertising things like a "purple lightsaber for sale" and a "spacious summer sublet" on the watery world of Kamino. There's even a personal ad featuring Yoda that teases "little & green, seeking Zen". The sharply designed sites allow you to watch the Attack of the Clones trailer, download wallpaper and icons for your computer, and print your own copies of the posters.

The video for "Across the Stars," the love theme from Episode II, debuts Tuesday on TRL, the same day the John Williams movie soundtrack arrives in stores.

The Episode II DVD drops October 21.

Three more weeks until Attack of the Clones tickets go on sale. The movie hits theaters Thursday May 16.

Gracias Señor Wilcox.

i'm gonna be in wine country this weekend, and by "wine country" i mean "the room above my garage"

"two wongs will make it white"


I wonder what Shakira sounds like in bed.


My mother told me to plug this site.

I made this for a basic HTML assigment in my web authoring class. Yes, I like to follow the radio industry. WHFS (Washington D.C.'s #1 alternative rock) booked Eminem to headline the main stage of its HFStival this year, while sister station WBCN booked Outkast. The sky is falling.

Hey kids! It's time for another…

click here

Three more weeks until Attack of the Clones tickets go on sale. The movie hits theaters Thursday May 16.

now reading: The Picture of Dorian Gray and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

been a business doing pleasure with you

"wakka wakka wakka"

While procrastinating Monday, I hit up Punogre (I refuse to call it "Armegro") and saw this. Now I dunno who Pikacheney (David Cole) is, but I do know that there's a photoshopped image of the MEHAP teacher from my high school on Punogre, and it's really freakin' me out. Why is Mr. Navarro on Punogre, of all places? Oi… Bad flashbacks of MVHS.

A high school dean of students should not piss off someone who has dirt on him and expect this particular someone to forget about it.

In 1996, Fox went up against Saturday Night Live with a variety show produced by Roseanne called Saturday Night Special and failed miserably, probably because the name of the show sounds like a type of gun. Anyway, Saturday Night Special had a series of funny "black bigot" sketches starring comedian Warren Hutcherson, who now works on The Bernie Mac Show (also very funny). Today, I'm-a try to transcribe my favorite "black bigot" sketch from memory.


Black Bigot wanders through the aisles with his young son.

Black Bigot: Lookie here, son. Cocoa Puffs. You like Cocoa Puffs? I do. But why must I be CUCKOO for Cocoa Puffs? Frosted Flakes? They're grrrrrreat! But you gotta be crazy to eat Cocoa Puffs! The man says you gotta be funny in the head to enjoy that chocolate-y goodness!

Rice. Same thing. White rice is just white rice. Brown rice is just brown rice. But black rice is WILD! It ain't black; it's WILD! You see, the man insists on referring to it by its slave name!

And what about this? Green olives. Green olives…they come in glass jars. Look how pretty they are. Black olives, however, come in cans. Yes, the man feels the need to lock black olives up in tin cans and keep them in the dark, hidden away from public view. Hell, I've never seen a real black olive before! I only know what they look like from pictures!

So what did we learn today? The man believes that black people are wild and crazy and should all be locked up behind metal!

still (shoot me) reading: Jane Eyre

it's my duty to please that booty

"it's what we're all about"

at the Saturday Night Live writer's meeting…
Lorne: The Rock is hosting this week. How can we use him to be funny?
Tina: I know! Let's put him in a bunch of skits that compromise his masculinity and have him sing a lot. It'll be hi-larious!

Dave Meltzer:
"For some reason, there didn't seem to be the buzz on Rock's Saturday Night Live appearance [Saturday] night as the first one two years back. I saw most of the show and my gut tells me this guy is going to be the talk of Hollywood in just a few days. Based on the early reviews, it sounds like the movie will do huge box office (actually it would have opened huge just based on the hype with bad reviews) and nobody is making fun of Rock's acting. Not that he didn't have the natural acting ability to start with because even in his early non-wrestling TV appearances a few years ago he came off fine, but he seemed so much improved last night. When I read people saying next Schwarzenegger about him, it is just such an amazing position to be in."

Andrew W.K. should make a workout video.

Andrew: Okay, everybody. Bend over and touch your toes with your hair! All together now…

My friends and I bought tickets to the 2002 MTV Movie Awards. Correction: my friend Paul bought the tickets for us. Balcony seats, to be exact. What the fuck, Paul? How do you expect me to meet Eminem sitting in the fuckin' balcony seats of the Shrine Auditorium? I'll have to do something about this. Drastic measures are in order. I didn't spend $50 (plus ridiculously exorbitant Ticketmaster "convenience" charges) to gawk at celebrities from afar. No, I WILL be on the floor for the show.

Fred Durst on Making the Video: "My passion is film." That explains everything.

No good can come from being on a submarine in a movie.

If you find yourself on a spacecraft in a movie, get to know the oldest guy on board because later on, he will sacrifice his life to save the rest of the crew.

Always be wary of a movie whose marketing campaign refers to its stars as Academy Award® winners or worse, Academy Award® nominees.

Blue Man Group is searching for performers for upcoming productions in Los Angeles this week.

between 5'10" and 6'1" tall (check)
male or female (check)
excellent acting skills (check)
willingness to relocate (check)
athletic build (it passes)
excellent drumming skills (does having carpal tunnel syndrome count?)

I think I'm-a audition. Yellow man wants to be blue man now.

I live in Westwood, CA. It's the place where Spike Jonze filmed the video for Fatboy Slim's "Praise You."

Yeah. That's Westwood. Most 20th Century Fox movies have their premieres at the renowned Village theater you see in the background and usually end up playing there as well.

The Mann theatre chain, which owns the two theaters that appear in the "Praise You" video, is now hiring, and I'm seriously considering applying for a low-paid job with them.

Why would I ever work for a movie theater?

Because in a month, 20th Century Fox has a little movie coming out and I dunno if I'll have time to camp out to see a midnight screening at the second most famous movie theater in southern California. Unlike the rest of collegiate America, I'll still be in school during the month of May. Best to cheat my way in instead…and possibly steal the movie print while I'm at it.

Too bad my dad doesn't work for a newspaper and can smuggle me into free advance screenings of highly-anticipated summer movies (cough, Bruno, cough).

Good news. Dobi agreed to sell me rare prints of his genius (to me) illustration series "Cringe" for $5 each. 16 prints x $5 = $80 plus shipping, but I think it's a reasonable investment because I lost a dear (albeit sick and twisted) friend in the "Cringe" series last year when Dobi took it offline. I'm not gonna let it happen again. My favorite illustrations are one of Hitler receiving oral sex from a dog and one of a guy sitting on a toilet drinking his own excrement through a straw.

still reading: Jane Eyre

christian slater, muslims now

"i could be condemned to hell for every sin but littering"

Lance Storm:
"While traveling to the west coast is great, California bites because there are no Cracker Barrels there."

I agree.

Dave Meltzer:
"I read a few Scorpion King reviews today. It was pegged as a vacuous movie that the audience will love and is fun to watch. Rock was praised for his comedic timing. It probably will do huge business."

How does Spider-Man breathe in that mask?

Priest: Boys, this is it. Madison's! I hear it's a good place to pick up kids.
Minister: I never thought little children could be so sexy. [pause] Did I say that out loud?
Rabbi: Oi vey! $10 cover charge…

Bartender: Steve!
Guy: What up, Steve-O?
Mexican Guy: ¿Qué pasa, Esteban?
Girl: Hi Steve. Good to see you again.
Steve: [to all four] Do I know you people?
Bartender: So what'll it be for ya?
Steve: Gimme some water.
Bartender: Heh. Only water I serve has got barley and hops in it. Hey everybody, do we serve water in this bar?
Everybody: HELL NO H2O!!!
Steve: Fine. [pause] Gimme a Whoop Ass then.
Bartender: You want me to open it for ya?
Steve: Well, yeah. That's your job. Don't make me open up a can of Whoop Ass!
Bartender: Here ya go. One Whoop Ass.
[Steve chugs the Whoop Ass]
Steve: Gimme another one.
[Steve chugs another Whoop Ass]
Steve: Keep 'em comin'!

30 minutes later…
Steve: One more!
Bartender: Sorry, buddy. We're outta Whoop Ass. You drank our entire supply tonight.
Steve: What else you got?
Bartender: Wait. You want MORE? Dude, by now, vampires could get wasted off your blood! What happened to drinking responsibly?
Steve: [pause] Why don't you go get yourself a nice tall glass of SHUT UP juice? And while you're at it, get me something to drink!
Bartender: [sigh] Well, we just got this shipment of Olde English that you see right behind me and…WHAT THE FUCK? [to everybody] Which one of you assholes took one without paying? I explicitly remember putting 99 bottles on the wall and I'm only counting 98 right now! Who did it? WHO? No one's leaving here until someone fesses up!
Everybody: Hooray!

Woman: Hey there, good lookin'. What's your name?
?: Bud…
Woman: Bud. Cute name. So Bud, what do you do for fun?
Bud: Bud…
Woman: You like to smoke marijuana?
Bud: Bud…
Woman: Oh you call it "bud." Okay, I'll call it "bud" too. So you like to smoke bud. What else do you do for fun?
?: Weis…
Woman: I wasn't talking to you, mister! I was talking to…uhhh… [to Bud] What's your name again?
Bud: Bud…
Woman: Bud! That's it. I was talking to Bud! Now go away.
Weis: Weis…
Woman: I told you to go away! What do you want?
Bud: Bud…
Woman: [to Bud] You know this guy? He one of your stoner acquaintances? Are you a dealer? Don't play me for a fool!
Weis: Weis…
Woman: Yeah. Like he said. I'm not dumb; I'm wise!
?: Er…

Hey kids! It's time for another…

Never mind Jar Jar Binks. There's a new all-CGI character in Episode II, and from Lucasfilm's description, those who hated the cartoon-like Gungan may want to start sharpening their knives for Dexter Jettster. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) plays detective in Episode II, searching for the forces behind an assassination attempt on queen-turned-senator Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman). Along the way, he gets some key info from Jettster, whom Lucasfilm describes as "an enormous character straight out of a 40s detective film." Dexter has four massive arms, and wears "a grubby shirt, greasy apron and pants that tend to slide." Uh-oh.

Four more weeks until Attack of the Clones tickets go on sale. The movie hits theaters Thursday May 16.

I moved into my new room.

Turns out my new roommate attended St. Fascist, the other high school in my hometown. Plus, he has A CAR on campus. Lucky motherfucker.

I read 50 pages of Jane Eyre on Tuesday and 150 pages on Thursday. Only 300 pages left. Whoo!

"'Go!' ejaculated Miss Ingram, and the man went."

In Jane Eyre, the verb "ejaculate" is a synonym for "say" or "speak."

Mom: Joe, I just ejaculated with the principal of your school on the phone.
Joe: Oh?
Mom: Did you ejaculate some inappropriate stuff during the morning announcements today?
Joe: Uhhh…kinda
Mom: I didn't hear you. Ejaculate louder.
Joe: Yeah, I did.
Mom: Look at me. Ejaculate it to my face!

Cardinal: Ejaculating on behalf of the bride and groom, if anyone here has any objections to this couple getting married, let them ejaculate now or forever hold their peace!

now reading: Jane Eyre + Hobomok and Other Writings on Indians

the united states of whatever


My name in Snoop Dogg language is Jizzon Yu.

Hey kids! It's time for a…

Star Wars actor Ewan McGregor says he was disappointed by the last film in the epic science fiction series.

The actor, who plays the Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi, said in an interview released Monday that "one of the things about Episode I [that] I was slightly disappointed by was, I thought it was […] kind of flat."

"I think there is much more humor and there is much more color in Episode II," he added.

Four more weeks until Attack of the Clones tickets go on sale. The movie hits theaters Thursday May 16.

I'm moving on Wednesday.

After two quarters in our trapezoidal room, my drug dealer roommate moved out for reasons unknown. With ten weeks of school left, the UCLA housing department decided that they want me to move in with another guy whose roommate also recently moved out. They call it "housing consolidation." I call it a hassle.

Personally, I think it woulda been easier if the housing department just moved someone else into my room. Oh well. At least now I'll have a normal rectangular room.

I've only met my new roommate briefly. Here's what I know about him though. His name is Chris Barsi, he's on the UCLA ski/snowboard team, he likes the Beastie Boys, and he grew up two miles away from where I grew up. 640 South Springer Road, Los Altos, CA 94024. Crazy…

I finalized my schedule for spring quarter.

First, we have English 10C or "English Literature, 1832 to the Present," part three of a three-part series on the complete history of English literature (abridged). Almost finished.

Next, we have English 85 or "The American Novel," an English course for math and science majors, unbeknownst to me at the time of class registration. The professor spent all of week one teaching me how to write a thesis paper.

These two particular classes exist back to back. Imagine going from AP English to ESL in ten minutes.

There's really no better way to end a week than with a four-hour English death block. Discussion, lecture, lecture, discussion…all beginning at 9:00 AM. Whoo!

At least I have Tuesdays and Thursdays off. I went outta my way to secure Thursdays off this quarter. You can probably guess why.

I have to read a total of thirteen books in ten weeks for both classes combined. I can do it, although one of the assigned books is Jane Eyre. NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I tried to get ahead in reading the book and fell asleep nine pages into it. Reading Victorian novels for school should be illegal. I also have to read Wide Sargasso Sea, a re-telling of Jane Eyre. That's too much Jane Eyre.

Finally, we have Film and TV 145C or "Creative Authoring for the World Wide Web."

On Monday, I learned what HTML is and how to code it on a Mac. I feel smarter already.

Fabian (the professor) wants to teach us how to use generic DHTML, Javascript and Dreamweaver too.

A wise man once said, "Fuck Macromedia Dreamweaver, y'all. 'Less y'all rep'sentin' fo' all th' hand-codin' pimps out there, fuck res' y'all." My sentiments exactly.

the cheese stands alone

"we are all made of starch"

Saturday night, my friend Paul and I were watching television when he flipped past a Train video on VH1.

Jon: Hey, is that Train?
Paul: Yeah.
Jon: They have another video?
Paul: Yeah.
Jon: Jesus ranch… Why? The Bay Area music scene sucks.
Paul: Not true!
Jon: Train, Third Eye Blind, Smash Mouth…
Paul: Green Day!
Jon: [pause] Okay, is that supposed to support or challenge my argument? I can't tell.
Paul: Fuck you. At least the Bay Area breeds good actors. Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, Alicia Silverstone…
Jon: …Alex Mack!

What ever happened to Alex Mack?

She was last seen playing the love interest of Joseph Gordon-Levitt both in the movie 10 Things I Hate about You and on the sitcom 3rd Rock from the Sun.

She grew up near where I grew up. In fact, she attended the same private school (Pinewood) as one of my cousins before Nickelodeon hired her away.

I liked her show.

Where is she now?

sucks to your asthma

"like sam the butcher giving alice the meat"

Thursday night, I saw a screening of The Scorpion King. I signed an agreement not to discuss or transmit information about the movie on the internet, but fuck it.

I enjoyed the movie. 90 minutes of B-movie fun. The Rock raises his eyebrow in one scene. The PG-13 action sequences bored me at times. A substantial amount of sexual humor. Lots of tit shots. Better visual effects than The Mummy Returns and its pathetic animated scorpion-Rock thing. Better acting from Rock too. The writer of The Scorpion King co-wrote Attack of the Clones, so that should be interesting.

I was waiting for the movie to start when I heard a girl yell "Oh my God! There he is! I love you Dwayne!"

Holy shit, I thought. He's here. The Rock is in the hizzouse.


I couldn't see him though because the lights were down.

Once the movie finished, I jumped outta my seat and frantically began searching for Rocky amongst the crowd of people leaving the theater. I had little light to work with, but sure enough, I found him…standing right in front of me. My first instinct was to grab him and ram my tongue down his throat. No, I thought, let's just tap him on the shoulder.

And so I did.

He turned around and said "What's up?"

The Rock looked at me and said "What's up?"

How cool is that?

Now living in Los Angeles, I see celebrities all the time and almost never get starstruck, but there's something about The Rock being next to me that made my heart pulsate faster than the time it takes me to orgasm. Not even Jord could do that. For once, I was speechless.

I didn't know how to respond, so I gave him a thumbs up.

I gave The Rock a thumbs up like a total fool.

Stupid Jon.

Would you give Jesus a thumbs up? NO.

Stupid stupid Jon.

I somehow got outta the theater before The Rock and stood outside gawking at him as he made his way out. Some bystanders went up to him and shook his hand. I decided that I wanted to shake his hand too. I wanted to touch The Rock again. Hell, I'd stick my dick in his ass if I could, but I don't swing that way. At least, I don't think…

So I walked up to him, extended my hand and he shook it.

The Rock shook my hand.

How does one respond to a life-altering gesture like that?

All I could do was smile like an giddy schoolgirl.

He smiled back and that was that.

I met the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.

I wish I had the Scorpion King poster that Jord autographed on hand so that I could get The Rock to double its value. Oh well. I met them both in one week.

My life is complete.


unmarked black helicopters


Chris Harris in Might magazine:

From an artist's perspective, the biggest problem in the Mideast is not the continued radicalism of extremists, or the state of Jerusalem, but the fact that Israel looks like a big, ugly fishhook. Hell, this was a planned country, and I've seen Rorschach tests with better layouts. However, if one "filled in" that ugly gap — with, oh, let's say, the West Bank — and likewise reattached that missing Gaza Strip, then Israel might look alluring, even sexy. On the contrary, this nation's shapely neck benefits not at all from the protruding "Goiter Heights," let it fall to Syria.

One need not have watched many late-night informercials to understand the power of self-esteem. When residents — Jews and Palestinians alike — discover that their ugly duckling region has been transformed into Cinderella, the resulting détente will be nothing short of miraculous.

I got my grades for winter quarter. My second-year UCLA report card as it stands:

fall quarter
English Literature to 1660 • A-
History of the American Motion Picture • A-

winter quarter
English Literature, 1660 to 1832 • A-
German Film HistoryC+
Screenwriting Fundamentals • A

What's wrong with this picture?

Fucking film major pre-req class. My TA didn't even give me the B- pity grade. No, she went right for the C. Bitch. I hated her and she hated me. After week two, I just stopped trying. My 10-page final paper (worth 45% of my grade) was basically a big "fuck you" to my TA. [sigh] I passed though, and that's all that matters.

tony fader is my hero 3

"black people are cooler than white people"

as seen on Yahoo!

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I have a little predicament.

Thursday night, I can see a free sneak preview of The Scorpion King or I can see a free screening of Human Nature, the new movie from the writer of Being John Malkovich and innovative director Michel Gondry, who last brought us the White Stripes' stop-motion lego video.

Last year, I attended the first public screening of The Mummy Returns. Maybe this will be the first public screening of The Scorpion King.

Then again, Michel Gondry will be at the Human Nature screening in person.

But it's The Rock!

[sigh] Decisions…decisions…


Current UCLA students wishing to enter the Film and Television major may only apply during the first four weeks of spring quarter of the sophomore year. To be considered for the major an applicant must:
• have a cumulative UC GPA of 3.0 or better at the time of application (check)
ï complete at least 90 quarter units prior to entry (check)
• satisfy your general education requirements prior to entry (check)
• submit an application package of supporting materials consisting of:
1) a change of major petition and the questionnaire for applicants
2) a copy of your UCLA degree progress report and an unofficial copy of your most recent UCLA transcript
3) two letters of recommendation along with the completed "waiver of access rights to letters of recommendation" form for each letter
4) a portfolio consisting of:
a) a personal essay (2 pages maximum), which should include a summary of your background, creative interests, academic and professional goals
b) a critical essay (3 pages maximum), which should be a critical analysis of a film or major television program
c) a creative writing sample (5 pages maximum), which may be a short story, play, script, poetry, or any combination
I've been talking about going to film school since forever and now that the time has come, I really don't feel like applying to college all over again. For one, I hate writing personal essays. I always feel dirty glorifying myself in print. Plus, two recommendation letters? What the fuck? I'm not in high school anymore. Here at UCLA, class sizes of 300 don't particularly allow me to get to know my professors on a personal basis. Who am I gonna get to write recommendation letters for me at this point in my life? TAs? Sheeit.

Would you pay $100 to get bruised, battered and tortured under an ungodly desert sun?

I would.

This past weekend, I flew out from Los Angeles to the Phoenix area to cavort with a coupla high school juniors for about 28 hours before returning home.

Yes, I spent 28 hours in Mesa, Arizona with Jord from WankerCounty and his buddies.

My Mom: Are you coming home for spring break?
Jon: No. I'm going to Arizona.
My Mom: Whaaa? Why are you going to Arizona?
Jon: I'm gonna meet a guy I know out there.
My Mom: What guy?
Jon: Some guy I met on the internet.

Keep in mind that I suffer from extreme social anxiety disorder. I have enough trouble interacting with relatives, let alone someone whom I know primarily through pixels, zeros and ones. I felt kinda awkward at times in Arizona, especially around Jord's friends, who treated me as if they knew who I was, despite never having talked to me before.

As of last July, I had never talked to any of the Wankers before. Eight months later, I'm sleeping in Jord's hot sister's bed…sans the hot sister.

My first impression of Jord? Damn, this guy has more hair on his face than I have on my entire body. With a little grooming, he'd look like Dashboard Confessional.

So Jord picks me up at the airport and spends the entire car ride back to his house ripping on my obsession with wrestling.

Jord: What's up with you and wrestling?
Jord: You realize it's fake, right?
Jord: At least on Friends, there are characters I can identify with.
Jord: I have some Scorpion King posters left over from the Lake Havasu trip. You can have them.
Jord: Wrestlemania X8 comes out for Gamecube soon.

He must have reminded me at least ten times during my short stay about the Wrestlemania X8 release date. This from a guy who once told me on AIM that "I watch wrestling sometimes……for the women," like he needed to defend his sexuality to me.

Okay, Jord. You win. I GET OFF ON THIS SHIT.

Seriously though, Jord's much more intelligent than he makes himself out to be. He told me that I was "the only Asian person in Arizona." I thought he was exaggerating. Nope.

Jord's father is scary. I'm glad I don't look anything like Yasser Arafat.

at Jord's friend Joe's house…
Joe's dad: So where are you from?
Jon: California.
Joe's dad: Oh we got a Hollywood guy here!
Born and raised in NORTHERN California, thank you very much.

Jord autographed a Scorpion King poster for me. I framed it and it's now on display in my room.

The hot dry cultivated wasteland really did a number on my body. Yet, most everyone I met in Arizona migrated there from another state. Go figure.

Jord's about to drive me to the airport when Farmboy Mike messages him.

Mike: Hey.
Jord: Yo.
Mike: Yu there?
Jord: Yee.

I completely forgot that while Mike lives in Washington, his body remains stuck in Arizona. The clock was ticking, so Jord thought we should meet at the airport. The three of us converged at the architectural wonder that is Sky Harbor and together, we formed Voltron! I WISH. In reality (to steal from Mike), I bought them smoothies, we discussed the lighter side of riots and voluntarily running into vending machines face-first, I gave them money for parking and I was on my way home.

What can I say about Mike? From what I'd seen and heard about him on the internet, I thought he'd be this brooding yuppie intellectual, but he's just a goofball with really kempt hair.

I envy Mike's ears. Envy is my sin.

I'm-a holiday in Seattle this summer. His ears will be mine.

So now then.

I paid $100 to visit the desert for one day. Last summer, I paid $300 to visit the tri-state area for three days…during the heat wave. Am I crazy? Maybe. These two trips, however, were probably the most enjoyable trips that I've taken so far in my life.

Hooray for reckless abandon.

Fuck itineraries. Fuck tourist attractions. I wanna do whatever. I impulsively decided to visit Arizona two weeks before spring break. If I planned ahead on anything, I couldn't honestly say that I spent Easter Sunday of 2002 in an open field in Jimmy Eat World's hometown being hit in the head with a stepping stool by a Jew while the 90-degree sun penetrated my short hair to char my scalp. Whoo!

Yeah. I had a lot of fun.

And it was all captured on tape.