bus to beelzebub

"get onto the bus"

The thing about this complex, contemporary world of ours is, it's so modern. It's even more modern than we thought it would be, even more modern than Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke thought. For starters, much brighter and sleeker. There are way more buttons and blips and amplifiers and track pads and silvery things than even those guys thought possible. And everyone just fucking loves it. I mean, it's not as great as the Jetsons, but then again, I think we're all having a pretty good laugh at George Orwell right about now. And while it would be nice if L. Ron Hubbard were still alive, the TVs are big, the explosions are loud and colorful and the acronyms are catchy. We have Dolby stereo most of the time, and the reception is usually pretty darn good. And then there's the internet. All this – and no aliens! Our modern world makes our modern lives A-OK. Of course, there is the "cyber" problem. But they'll probably come up with a computer to fix that. Technology is good.

Or is it?

a look at lameness in technology

• accessing the internet from a cell phone
• earpieces for cell phones
• personalized cell phone rings (bonus: one-hit wonder 80s songs!)
• playing games on a cell phone
• using a cell phone to check the time
• masturbating with a cell phone
• am i hot or not?
• all your base are belong to us
• animated stick figures remarkably adept at martial arts
• crushlink
• the "hey everybody! i'm looking at gay porn!" site
• the home page of peter pan
• icy hot stuntaz
• ninjas
• turning up the volume, staring at a still image and being scared shitless by the sudden appearance of a frightening image accompanied by a loud frightening noise
• telling your friends to turn up the volume and stare at the same image
• 3d versions of old 2d video games
• anything made by real networks
• auctions for incredibly stupid shit on ebay
• linking auctions for incredibly stupid shit on ebay
• actually looking for auctions for incredibly stupid shit on ebay to link
• being nearsighted
• bragging about the amount of gigs on your hard drive (bonus: devoted to porn!)
• bragging about the size of your internet connection
• buying a dvd for the extras
• buying a playstation 2 for the dvd player
• cardboard dvd cases
• dvd easter eggs, like i paid to be kept in the dark
• owning the matrix dvd
• renting dvds from the internet
• watching a movie with the commentary on
• when hollywood releases better dvd versions of movies that you already own
• cd extra
• christian websites (bonus: against masturbation!)
• clarisworks
• collegehumor.com
counter-strike clans
• being the leader of a counter-strike clan
• covering your ears when the thx intro appears
• customer reviews on amazon.com
• downloading every episode of your favorite tv show for safekeeping (bonus: watching them over and over like a crazy obsessive!)
• e-cards
• fanpics
• feeling lucky with google
• finding that angle where you can actually see the screen of a game boy advance
• free essays on the internet
• good free essays on the internet
• free porn sites that link to other free porn sites so that you never really get any free porn
• games where enemies scream and bleed when they're killed
• getting extremely frustrated with a video game and abruptly turning off the game console without saving
• getting your tickets before you go on fandango
• going to macworld
• hacking while receiving a blow job
• haha funny sites involving jesus christ
• happy people in aol commercials
• hating metallica
• having carpal tunnel syndrome
• having two computers to yourself
• one computer, two monitors
• hdtv, like i can tell the difference
• internet cafés
• knowing that kazaa is watching you
• naming hard drives funny things
• naming hard drives sexual things
• laughing at jokes involving "hard drives"
• lan parties
• laser pens (bonus: in the hands of teenage boys!)
• lazy webmasters
• macs that look like rocks for giant fish tanks
• microsoft referring to its products as "stuff" for the benefit of those of use who don't understand all that computer magic
• the microsoft word paper clip
• minidiscs
• mistreating monkeys for the sake of winning money
• mlife
• not having an mlife
• the overabundance of caps and exclamation marks on aintitcoolnews.com
• people who enjoy going outside, away from their computer
• people who think jumping on a trampoline in their backyard counts as "going outside"
• people who hate snail mail but shop on the internet
• people with weblogs who write about smoking pot in every entry
• the persistence of the x10 camera company
• personality tests that define you as a particular pop culture person, place or thing
• petitions to save tv shows (bonus: it's a show on the wb!)
• playing video games with your mouth wide open
• pop-up ads
• pop-up ads for programs that eliminate pop-up ads
• pop-up ads that try to pass themselves off as windows boxes
• flash pop-up ads
• flashing pop-up ads
• premium pay editions of websites
• putting punk band stickers on your laptop, because even though you use a computer, you're not some geek
• quizzes on thespark.com
• using sparknotes
• registering to view parts of websites
• registering to view parts of sparknotes
• quoting fight club
• "radical" people who complain that sites don't load properly on netscape but refuse to use internet explorer because it's an evil unreliable microsoft product
• refilling printer cartridges with a syringe
• robot dogs
• robot bidets
• saying "e/n is dead"
• saying "e/n is dead" on an e/n site
• screensavers downloaded from official movie websites
• screensavers that make noise
• personalized screensavers
• pornographic screensavers
• masturbating to a personalized pornographic screensaver
• websites about masturbation
• masturbating to a website about masturbation
• secret internet ticket pre-sales
• segway
• setting the minesweeper field to the largest possible size with the least number of mines to feel really smart
• self-checkout machines at supermarkets
• wondering why the supervisor of the self-checkout machines can't just check out for you
• steve the dell computer guy
• wondering how much poon tang steve the dell computer guy gets
• storing all important information on your palm pilot
• losing your palm pilot
• streaming broadcasts that crash
• surge protectors
• tech support
• trackball mice
• tvs in cars
• tvs shaped like movie screens so that vertical gray bars appear on the left and right sides of the screen when you watch tv because of the different aspect ratios between the two mediums
• urls that lead to shitty search engines
• using a clever play on words like "geoshitties" or "winblows"
• using the word "napster" for any file-sharing program
• using napster to download top 40 songs
• using numbers in place of letters
• vibrating game console controllers
• watching movies on a computer, just like they were meant to be seen
• wearing headphones while using a computer
• the webby awards
• those weird ass operating systems that computers in movies use
• when microsoft word automatically corrects your writing incorrectly
• windows me
• wordy google image searches that yield tiny irrelevant pieces of clip art
• writing stuff on your tits in permanent marker
• the xbox controller
• ambiguous away messages that keep you guessing
• away messages for bathroom breaks
• big smileys
• laughing acronyms
• messaging someone only to immediately receive an incoherent piece of another conversation as a response
• messaging someone in the same room
• putting song lyrics in your profile (bonus: emo song lyrics!)
• rate limits
• seeing who has viewed someone's profile
• trillian users
• using another aim screenname to see who's online
• warning attacks

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