cannibal holocaust

"the breakfast of champions"

Jon: Hello, non-Mexican people! Jon Yu here broadcasting pre-taped from Cancun! Coming up, Rory Hornblower shows off some spring break hot spots, Dave Attell insomniacs south of the border, Kylie Minogue takes you shopping for a spring break outfit, and we'll have live performances from Blink-182 and B2K! But first…Michelle Branch's tits!
[enter Michelle's tits]
Anthony: Oh my god. Can we show this on the website?
Jon: Yee.
Anthony: But she's topless!
Jon: She has pasties on.
Anthony: Like covering up the nipples makes a difference.
Jon: It does on television.
Anthony: Eh.
Jon: Look, you wanna gawk at her tits or not?
Anthony: [sigh] Fine…fine…
[Jon and Anthony gawk at Michelle's tits]

Rory: Yo. Rory Hornblower here. Every year, respectable college students straight outta Ku Klux Boot Kamp head south in March to partay like only respectable college students can. While most folks stick to trusted destinations like Daytona Beach or South Padre Island, some people seek out lesser known but equally hedonistic places. So where are trendy college students headed this year? Let's go to the map.

Rory: I've taken the liberty of highlighting the hot spots of spring break 2K2 in purple. Now I realize that these particular locations cater predominantly to men, but I suggest that girls keep an open mind and visit them anyway…especially attractive girls.

Dave: Hi. Dave Attell in the hizzouse. Tonight, we're gonna see what really drunk kids will do for incredibly stupid shit.

Dave: What's your name?
?: D-Daniel Clemensss.
Dave: Daniel, say "hello" to this drag queen dressed as Colombian singing sensation Shakira.
Daniel: Hey lover…
Dave: "Shakira" will give you a blow job "whenever, wherever" if you do a body shot of my piss off his belly.

Dave: How you doin' guys?
Guys: WOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Dave: You gentlemen look pretty athletic…and inebriated.
Guys: 'sright, faggot! Hehehe.
Dave: I got a truckload of Coronas in my dreams. You want it?
Guys: Fuck yeah!
Dave: What say you guys jump in that pool over there and play for it in a game of water polo? I'll stand by as the lifeguard.

Dave: Aight. Here's the situation. We found a drunk girl who wants breast implants and hired a doctor to equip her tonight right here in Mexico, except instead of implanting silicone in her chest, he's gonna insert jellyfish.

Dave: Whoa. You had sex five times today?
Chick: Yeah. Haha.
Dave: Wanna do it again for a free trip to Cancun?
Chick: Okee. Haha.
Dave: I want you to masturbate to me humping this sheet of fiberglass insulation.
Chick: NO, you sexist pig! Why can't I hump that sheet of fiberglass insulation while YOU masturbate to ME?
Dave: Suit yourself…

Kylie: Allo. I'm Kylie Minogue from House of Stile and today, I'm-a find me a spring break outfit!
[one]
Kylie: You can never go wrong with a two-piece bikini. Although for my taste, I'd eliminate one of the pieces. Too much baggage. Weighs you down.
[two]
Kylie: I seriously doubt this Chia stuff will work.
[three]
Kylie: I've noticed a whipped cream revival of late. I recommend using the "light" kind because regular whipped cream makes you look fat.
[four]
Kylie: Oooh. I like this. What do you call it?
Store Employee: Yarn.
[five]
Kylie: Fuck me! Ziploc bags! Two medium ones for my tits and a large one for down under with holes cut out for my legs! It's perfect!

[pause]

Jon: Oh is it over already? Damn… Time flies when you're passed out. Shalom fo' sheezy mah neezy. We leave y'all with some live flesh.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.