sinners in the pants of an angry god

"we're not worthy"

previously on adamriff.com

Rory: I'm in Arizona.
Rory: I got kicked outta WankerCounty Jord's house.
Jord: Get outta my fuckin' driveway!
Jord: …so then this van coming down the road just swerves and BOOM hits him straight on as he's turning around.
Jon: [while assaulting Rory] Why didn't you fucking tell me that you were from fucking…Jersey?
Receptionist: Sir, please! He's in a coma!
Receptionist: Something about New Jersey triggered a subconscious pent-up psychotic seizure of uncontained violent animal rage.
Detective: [to Jord] You know this guy?
Jord: He's a complete nutjob.
Detective: Throw him in the cuckoo room.
Jon: I'm not crazy!
Anthony: Hornblower died last night from complications of surgery.
Jon: [to Jord] You had me wrongfully committed.
Jon: What's this? A restraining order?
Anthony: What are you gonna do now?
Jon: I'm-a try to find out who drove the van that hit Hornblower.
Announcer: Coming up next, Crossing Over with John Edward!

so now then

Announcer: From an early age, John Edward displayed remarkable psychic abilities – predictions and premonitions he couldn't explain. At 15, a reading by a psychic changed his life. John was told what millions have witnessed – he could reunite people in the physical world with those who have crossed over.
[applause]
John: Thank you. Welcome to Crossing Over. I'm John Edward. People come here hoping to connect with their loved ones for many reasons and sometimes that includes obtaining answers to issues that were unsettled at the time of the passing…

Anthony: What are we doing here? Do you really believe this psychic shit?
Jon: It's worth a shot. Besides, Haley Joel Osment was busy.

John: Ready? You guys ready? All right. I'm ready to begin.
[John breathes deeply]
John: I need to acknowledge that I've got a young male coming through. I would say this is like being a brother, friend, partner. He's telling me to acknowledge some type of either Juh, Joe, Jacques, John…there's a J-O connection. He's coming through for that reason. [points at the audience] I don't feel like I'm there. I feel like I'm in this area right here. I'm up here.
Jon: OH OH OH! It's me!
John: He's telling me to acknowledge something about…I dunno…some strange message about being dumped by an escort.
Jon: It's definitely me then!
John: I do think I'm with you, sir. I think there's a connection with you.
Jon: He was a buddy of mine.
John: He's passed, right?
Jon: Yes.
John: Okay, the first thing that's coming through is that he wants me to talk about Arizona, Nevada, out there in that area. Who's out there?
Jon: This guy Jord. He lives in Mesa.
John: Something happened in Mesa. Did you…did you guys do something involving motor vehicles?
Jon: He was hit by a van.
John: I feel like this wasn't an accident. He's making me feel like we need to acknowledge something about beverages, some type of issue concerning beverages.
Jon: Maybe the driver of the van was drunk. But then it WOULD be an accident.
John: He's telling me to acknowledge that there's some sort of Kage or K-J name that he wants me to acknowledge. He's telling me that it's some sort of mysterious figure that I could see as being a K-J.
Jon: Uhhh…Kevin James? You got me. Never met any K-Js before.
[pause]
John: Haha. Sometimes people show me stuff that could be completely off and wrong. However, I always say it, even if it's weird, and I'm only saying this because I have to say this, and I say this today with such great reluctancy, but is there a joke about you giving head?
Jon: Yeah. Come to think of it, there are many jokes on that particular subject.
John: As a result of that…like…I don't feel like this was something like…you know I'm not…again, this is like a reference to…this where I feel like it's not something that you would do because it was like a lack of control…it's not…you know what I'm saying? It's like a "you" thing, but I feel like the connection to this…there's something important about this or about that experience. Or what he's trying to make me say is that you thought you were, but you really weren't. But there's something important about that thing. The joke. It's a reference. It's a connection. A connection exists between blow jobs what you're looking for. Do you understand that?
[long pause]
Jon: FUCK ME! I gotta go. Tony, let's roll.
Anthony: Where are we going?
Jon: Arizona.
Anthony: Er…why?
Jon: I figured out who was driving that van.
Anthony: Whaaa? Who? How?
Jon: Don't you see? Beverages, K-J, BJ… It was KEEJAY!!!
Anthony: KeeJay?
Jon: He's in the WC webcam section.
Anthony: Dude, KeeJay is just Jord wearing a modified Cherry Coke box on his head! How could Jord commit a crash he witnessed?
Jon: That's what I'm gonna find out. I know he's behind this though.
Anthony: How do you know?
Jon: A little bird told me. ASS.
Anthony: Why do I bother? [sigh] You sure you wanna leave now? It's almost 9:00 PM and we're in for a long drive. Full moon rising.
Jon: I'll get the car.

meanwhile in EST

to be continued…

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