big and mighty was king kong, but not as hard as my morning dong


Diamondbacks beat the Yankees. Patriots beat the Rams. Now somebody please beat Duke.

It's March. I can feel the madness setting in, and you can be sure this one's definitely NOT for North Carolina.

I know it's easy to hate Duke, but I've thought it over, and I still really hate them. They think they're God's gift to college basketball. I'm crossing my fingers in hopes that some school (preferably a Pac-10 team — west side!) sends the Blue Devils back to hell in front of a national television audience. UCLA sucks this year and Stanford will choke as usual, so as much as I hate to say it, nothing would make me happier than seeing Kansas or Maryland win the NCAA championship, if only to prevent Duke from repeating.

Duke recently signed coach Mike Krzyzewski to a lifetime contract that extends at least to 2011. Goodie. Maybe now he can buy some vowels for his name.

Why don't basketball coaches ever look like they can play basketball?

[door opens]
Jon: I am NEVER visiting Arizona again.
Anthony: Jon!
Jon: I tell ya, the government shoulda moved nuclear bomb testing one state to the left.
Anthony: Right.
Jon: Hey, what happened to all of Matt's shit?
Anthony: Oh he moved out while you were gone.
Jon: WHAT?
Anthony: He just got up one day and left.
Jon: Well fuck. This is — what? — the sixth roommate of mine to bail?
Anthony: Fifth.
Jon: Goddammit. And he took the fridge too!
Anthony: Yeah, because it was his. I can get you a fridge if you want.
Jon: Nah… I just really need ice right now. My testicles hurt like Chris Carrabba.
Anthony: What happened?
Jon: Long story.
Anthony: I have time. It's not like Hollywood's banging on my door.
Jon: [sigh] Okay. I remember it like it was just yesterday…

[Jon rings a doorbell. Jord's dad opens the door]
Jon: Where's the circumcised ass whore?
Jord dad: Just a sec. HONEY!
Jon: NO! No… Heh. I'm looking for Jord.
Jord dad: Jord's not circumcised though…
Jon: Whaaa? Look, can you just tell me where I can find Jord?
Jord dad: He's at tennis practice.
Jon: Tennis? He…he plays…tennis?
Jord dad: Yeah.
Jon: Oh this is gettin' good… Aight. Thanks a lot.
Jord dad: No prob.

Darren: 15-40.
[Darren aces]
Darren: Game!
Jord: [to himself] Blasted ball…
Darren: Jolly good game, Jordan.
Jord: Indeed.
Darren: Here's your sweater. Would you like to have tea with me?
Jord: You're too kind. Alas, I cannot. The opera calls.
Darren: Pity… Well, ta ta for now!
Jord: Cheerio!
[Jon runs onto the court and assaults Jord with a tennis racket]
Jord: The FUCK are you doing? Heads only go through tennis rackets in cartoons, dumbass! That fucking hurt!
Jon: Did it? How 'bout this?
[Jon gives Jord a titty twister]
Jord: OW! Why you…
[Jord whacks Jon in the nuts with the side of his racket]
Jon: AUGH… [gasps for air] …fuck me!
Jord: What are you trying to do, huh? You got nothing on me! Yes, a van hit Hornblower in my driveway, but I had nothing to do with it. The glove don't fit, so you gotta acquit. Leave me alone! Please! I mean, what did I ever do to deserve this? I've been nothing but nice to you since the day we met. I fuckin' plugged the hell outta your shitty little site on WC before plugging the hell outta shitty little sites on WC was cool!
Jon: You had me wrongfully committed.
Jord: Hmmm. Good point. Look, I've made mistakes in my life, but I'm proud to tell you I've learned from those mistakes.
Jon: Oh shut up!
Jord: Here. I got you something.
[Jord gives Jon an envelope]
Jon: What's this? A restraining order?
Jord: Yee.
[long pause]
Jord: … jersey.
[Jon approaches Jord to assault him again]
Jord: Uh uh uh! 100 feet at all times…bitch. Read it and weep! Haha.
Jon: You'll get yours.
Jord: …

Anthony: Wow. What are you gonna do now?
Jon: Since I can't legally go near Jord, I guess I'm-a try to find out who drove the van that hit Hornblower.
Anthony: And how do you plan on doing that?

Announcer: Coming up next, Crossing Over with John Edward!

to be continued…

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