screenwriter blues

"it is 5:00 AM and you are listening to los angeles"

I'm taking an extension class where we watch new movies and then have Q&A sessions with people associated with the particular movies we see. Next week, we're screening Peter Bogdanovich's new movie The Cat's Meow and who's gonna be in the house?

Kirsten Dunst. Rawr.

It won't be the first time that I've been in the same room as her (I was at the Get Over It premiere and the 2001 MTV Movie Awards, which she co-hosted) but this time, my self-esteem is primed for action. Yes, I'm gonna find her, run up to her and ram my tongue down her throat. If not that, then I'm-a ram my face into her chest. Dammit, I'm-a ram something into her by the end of the night. Mary Jane Watson will be mine! Bwahahaha!

"Healthy" Mexican fast food places provide such tiny containers for salsa. Hooray for resourcefulness.

I've come to the conclusion that I was put on this earth to be a writer/performer for the WWF. I'm applying for an internship with the company and praying that it will lead to a job. In other news, while shaving my chest today, I accidentally cut my left nipple.

Tommy Lee has a Starbucks in his house. Really. He contacted the Starbucks company and got permission to set up a Starbucks in his house, replete with official Starbucks equipment and supplies. If I ever become rich drumming for a band whose lead singer looks like Jon Lovitz, I want a Taco Bell in my house.

You never see any Yugos with painted flames on them.

bus to beelzebub

"get onto the bus"

The thing about this complex, contemporary world of ours is, it's so modern. It's even more modern than we thought it would be, even more modern than Stanley Kubrick and Arthur C. Clarke thought. For starters, much brighter and sleeker. There are way more buttons and blips and amplifiers and track pads and silvery things than even those guys thought possible. And everyone just fucking loves it. I mean, it's not as great as the Jetsons, but then again, I think we're all having a pretty good laugh at George Orwell right about now. And while it would be nice if L. Ron Hubbard were still alive, the TVs are big, the explosions are loud and colorful and the acronyms are catchy. We have Dolby stereo most of the time, and the reception is usually pretty darn good. And then there's the internet. All this – and no aliens! Our modern world makes our modern lives A-OK. Of course, there is the "cyber" problem. But they'll probably come up with a computer to fix that. Technology is good.

Or is it?

a look at lameness in technology

• accessing the internet from a cell phone
• earpieces for cell phones
• personalized cell phone rings (bonus: one-hit wonder 80s songs!)
• playing games on a cell phone
• using a cell phone to check the time
• masturbating with a cell phone
• am i hot or not?
• all your base are belong to us
• animated stick figures remarkably adept at martial arts
• crushlink
• the "hey everybody! i'm looking at gay porn!" site
• the home page of peter pan
• icy hot stuntaz
• ninjas
• turning up the volume, staring at a still image and being scared shitless by the sudden appearance of a frightening image accompanied by a loud frightening noise
• telling your friends to turn up the volume and stare at the same image
• 3d versions of old 2d video games
• anything made by real networks
• auctions for incredibly stupid shit on ebay
• linking auctions for incredibly stupid shit on ebay
• actually looking for auctions for incredibly stupid shit on ebay to link
• being nearsighted
• bragging about the amount of gigs on your hard drive (bonus: devoted to porn!)
• bragging about the size of your internet connection
• buying a dvd for the extras
• buying a playstation 2 for the dvd player
• cardboard dvd cases
• dvd easter eggs, like i paid to be kept in the dark
• owning the matrix dvd
• renting dvds from the internet
• watching a movie with the commentary on
• when hollywood releases better dvd versions of movies that you already own
• cd extra
• christian websites (bonus: against masturbation!)
• clarisworks
counter-strike clans
• being the leader of a counter-strike clan
• covering your ears when the thx intro appears
• customer reviews on
• downloading every episode of your favorite tv show for safekeeping (bonus: watching them over and over like a crazy obsessive!)
• e-cards
• fanpics
• feeling lucky with google
• finding that angle where you can actually see the screen of a game boy advance
• free essays on the internet
• good free essays on the internet
• free porn sites that link to other free porn sites so that you never really get any free porn
• games where enemies scream and bleed when they're killed
• getting extremely frustrated with a video game and abruptly turning off the game console without saving
• getting your tickets before you go on fandango
• going to macworld
• hacking while receiving a blow job
• haha funny sites involving jesus christ
• happy people in aol commercials
• hating metallica
• having carpal tunnel syndrome
• having two computers to yourself
• one computer, two monitors
• hdtv, like i can tell the difference
• internet cafés
• knowing that kazaa is watching you
• naming hard drives funny things
• naming hard drives sexual things
• laughing at jokes involving "hard drives"
• lan parties
• laser pens (bonus: in the hands of teenage boys!)
• lazy webmasters
• macs that look like rocks for giant fish tanks
• microsoft referring to its products as "stuff" for the benefit of those of use who don't understand all that computer magic
• the microsoft word paper clip
• minidiscs
• mistreating monkeys for the sake of winning money
• mlife
• not having an mlife
• the overabundance of caps and exclamation marks on
• people who enjoy going outside, away from their computer
• people who think jumping on a trampoline in their backyard counts as "going outside"
• people who hate snail mail but shop on the internet
• people with weblogs who write about smoking pot in every entry
• the persistence of the x10 camera company
• personality tests that define you as a particular pop culture person, place or thing
• petitions to save tv shows (bonus: it's a show on the wb!)
• playing video games with your mouth wide open
• pop-up ads
• pop-up ads for programs that eliminate pop-up ads
• pop-up ads that try to pass themselves off as windows boxes
• flash pop-up ads
• flashing pop-up ads
• premium pay editions of websites
• putting punk band stickers on your laptop, because even though you use a computer, you're not some geek
• quizzes on
• using sparknotes
• registering to view parts of websites
• registering to view parts of sparknotes
• quoting fight club
• "radical" people who complain that sites don't load properly on netscape but refuse to use internet explorer because it's an evil unreliable microsoft product
• refilling printer cartridges with a syringe
• robot dogs
• robot bidets
• saying "e/n is dead"
• saying "e/n is dead" on an e/n site
• screensavers downloaded from official movie websites
• screensavers that make noise
• personalized screensavers
• pornographic screensavers
• masturbating to a personalized pornographic screensaver
• websites about masturbation
• masturbating to a website about masturbation
• secret internet ticket pre-sales
• segway
• setting the minesweeper field to the largest possible size with the least number of mines to feel really smart
• self-checkout machines at supermarkets
• wondering why the supervisor of the self-checkout machines can't just check out for you
• steve the dell computer guy
• wondering how much poon tang steve the dell computer guy gets
• storing all important information on your palm pilot
• losing your palm pilot
• streaming broadcasts that crash
• surge protectors
• tech support
• trackball mice
• tvs in cars
• tvs shaped like movie screens so that vertical gray bars appear on the left and right sides of the screen when you watch tv because of the different aspect ratios between the two mediums
• urls that lead to shitty search engines
• using a clever play on words like "geoshitties" or "winblows"
• using the word "napster" for any file-sharing program
• using napster to download top 40 songs
• using numbers in place of letters
• vibrating game console controllers
• watching movies on a computer, just like they were meant to be seen
• wearing headphones while using a computer
• the webby awards
• those weird ass operating systems that computers in movies use
• when microsoft word automatically corrects your writing incorrectly
• windows me
• wordy google image searches that yield tiny irrelevant pieces of clip art
• writing stuff on your tits in permanent marker
• the xbox controller
• ambiguous away messages that keep you guessing
• away messages for bathroom breaks
• big smileys
• laughing acronyms
• messaging someone only to immediately receive an incoherent piece of another conversation as a response
• messaging someone in the same room
• putting song lyrics in your profile (bonus: emo song lyrics!)
• rate limits
• seeing who has viewed someone's profile
• trillian users
• using another aim screenname to see who's online
• warning attacks

i'm just gonna be a motherfuckin' weirdo

"rock the mic like a fascist"

I don't consider myself "liberal" because sometimes I'm very conservative. Today is one of those times.

I saw Quarashi, Lostprophets and The Apex Theory Wednesday night. You know what else I saw?

Labrets. Lots of labrets in the crowd. These days, I can't seem to go anywhere without seeing people sporting them. Hell, even Christina Aguilera has one now. Is the labret the new soul patch? Because soul patches look retarded and so do labrets. I'm sorry…

To quote Denis Leary: "How do you wake up one morning and go 'you know what I'm-a do today? I'm gonna get a piece of steel shot right through the middle of my lip! Yeah! I'm gonna pay a big fat hairy sweaty tattooed guy to do it to me too! Then, I'll get a piece of steel shot through my cock! Yeah, that'll be fun! Yeah! Then, I'm gonna get a metal rod that sticks outta my ass and makes my underwear stick out even further! Then, I'm gonna get a keychain attached to my balls and always know where my keys and my balls are!'"

[sigh] For the most part, I really don't have a problem with body piercings. I can tolerate people who wanna dig tunnels through their ears or make belly button kabobs or have knockers for their knockers, but there's something about lip piercings in general that just bothers me. Am I alone here?

Does anyone actually find this…

…or this attractive (besides Magneto)?

Apparently, the lead singer of Disturbed felt it necessary to grow fangs for his lower lip.

I have this theory that people with lip piercings had perfect teeth as kids because, as a victim of orthodontic manhandling for a good ten years can attest, metal in your mouth does not feel good. If it did, head gear would be all the rage. Be careful what you wish for.

cannibal holocaust

"the breakfast of champions"

Jon: Hello, non-Mexican people! Jon Yu here broadcasting pre-taped from Cancun! Coming up, Rory Hornblower shows off some spring break hot spots, Dave Attell insomniacs south of the border, Kylie Minogue takes you shopping for a spring break outfit, and we'll have live performances from Blink-182 and B2K! But first…Michelle Branch's tits!
[enter Michelle's tits]
Anthony: Oh my god. Can we show this on the website?
Jon: Yee.
Anthony: But she's topless!
Jon: She has pasties on.
Anthony: Like covering up the nipples makes a difference.
Jon: It does on television.
Anthony: Eh.
Jon: Look, you wanna gawk at her tits or not?
Anthony: [sigh] Fine…fine…
[Jon and Anthony gawk at Michelle's tits]

Rory: Yo. Rory Hornblower here. Every year, respectable college students straight outta Ku Klux Boot Kamp head south in March to partay like only respectable college students can. While most folks stick to trusted destinations like Daytona Beach or South Padre Island, some people seek out lesser known but equally hedonistic places. So where are trendy college students headed this year? Let's go to the map.

Rory: I've taken the liberty of highlighting the hot spots of spring break 2K2 in purple. Now I realize that these particular locations cater predominantly to men, but I suggest that girls keep an open mind and visit them anyway…especially attractive girls.

Dave: Hi. Dave Attell in the hizzouse. Tonight, we're gonna see what really drunk kids will do for incredibly stupid shit.

Dave: What's your name?
?: D-Daniel Clemensss.
Dave: Daniel, say "hello" to this drag queen dressed as Colombian singing sensation Shakira.
Daniel: Hey lover…
Dave: "Shakira" will give you a blow job "whenever, wherever" if you do a body shot of my piss off his belly.

Dave: How you doin' guys?
Dave: You gentlemen look pretty athletic…and inebriated.
Guys: 'sright, faggot! Hehehe.
Dave: I got a truckload of Coronas in my dreams. You want it?
Guys: Fuck yeah!
Dave: What say you guys jump in that pool over there and play for it in a game of water polo? I'll stand by as the lifeguard.

Dave: Aight. Here's the situation. We found a drunk girl who wants breast implants and hired a doctor to equip her tonight right here in Mexico, except instead of implanting silicone in her chest, he's gonna insert jellyfish.

Dave: Whoa. You had sex five times today?
Chick: Yeah. Haha.
Dave: Wanna do it again for a free trip to Cancun?
Chick: Okee. Haha.
Dave: I want you to masturbate to me humping this sheet of fiberglass insulation.
Chick: NO, you sexist pig! Why can't I hump that sheet of fiberglass insulation while YOU masturbate to ME?
Dave: Suit yourself…

Kylie: Allo. I'm Kylie Minogue from House of Stile and today, I'm-a find me a spring break outfit!
Kylie: You can never go wrong with a two-piece bikini. Although for my taste, I'd eliminate one of the pieces. Too much baggage. Weighs you down.
Kylie: I seriously doubt this Chia stuff will work.
Kylie: I've noticed a whipped cream revival of late. I recommend using the "light" kind because regular whipped cream makes you look fat.
Kylie: Oooh. I like this. What do you call it?
Store Employee: Yarn.
Kylie: Fuck me! Ziploc bags! Two medium ones for my tits and a large one for down under with holes cut out for my legs! It's perfect!


Jon: Oh is it over already? Damn… Time flies when you're passed out. Shalom fo' sheezy mah neezy. We leave y'all with some live flesh.

coming to terms with the new age

"negative capability"

Whoo! Finals are over. Almost two weeks of spring break await me. I'm-a pack my bags and head to Mexico. By "pack my bags," I mean "take off my pants," and by "head to Mexico," I mean "watch wrestling DVDs."

I met two-thirds of Spinal Tap Monday night. For an extension class I'm taking, we screened Harry Shearer's movie directorial debut Teddy Bears' Picnic and then had a Q&A session with Shearer, Michael McKean, and George Wendt. Being the hard-hitting journalist that I am, I jumped at the opportunity to put the man behind Mr. Burns' voice on the spot.

Jon: What's it like being one of the privileged few to own a copy of Jerry Lewis' movie The Day the Clown Cried, finished in 1973 and purportedly locked in a vault in Lewis' house ever since?
Harry: Well, I don't own a copy. People have been looking for a copy of the movie forever. It's the Holy Grail of cult movies. I have seen it though. A friend of mine somehow got a hold of a bootleg in England, smuggled it to New York and invited my then girlfriend and I over to his apartment for a private screening. Lewis stars as a clown in a concentration camp. In an attempt to save his own life, he entertains children who are being marched to gas chambers to die. It's remarkable.

Okay. What's this shit I hear about UCLA "stunning" Cincinnati, like we're underdogs or something? Kent State stunned Alabama; UCLA simply maintained the status quo. I dunno if you noticed, but the Bruins have advanced to the Sweet 16 five out of the past six years. Gotta represent again in 2002. I look forward to a UCLA vs. Arizona Pac-10 elite eight match-up just so we can knock off the Wildcats in front of a prime-time EAST COAST audience. Hey, it could happen. Go Kent State!

five percent nation

"destroy all monsters"

Lil' Bow Wow, you just don't know… much you make me wanna barf.

Same goes for Lil' Romeo. I got nauseated seeing him show off his HOUSE on Cribs. Not his dad Master P's house, but his own fucking house.

Every St. Patrick's Day, the city of Chicago dyes its river green. Is that wise? I dunno about you, but it disconcerts me when my water supply is green.

I saw Cannibal Ox, Madlib, Merzbow, Sleater-Kinney, The Boredoms, and Aphex Twin on Saturday as part of a festival being staged at school. I missed Wilco because Aphex Twin was performing at the same time and I wanted to see his only west coast appearance this year. What can I say? Dick James brought out the E-tards, who insisted on dancing to his music, even though you can't really dance to krautwerk. One guy created this giant hole in the pit with his interpretive "dancing", bumping into people and rolling around on the floor. At one point, some bystanders couldn't tolerate his "dancing" anymore and started taking turns beating the shit outta this guy when he came near…and he'd just get up after every shellacking and continue "dancing" as if nothing happened. Stupid fucking E-tards.

Science has given us wristbands that self-destruct when removed, but no cure for cancer.

Why can't Duke's Jason Williams be arrested too? Notre dammit! So close. I really like Kent State. Oregon and Arizona scared me, but they survived, unlike Stanford, who choked more spectacularly than they usually do during the NCAA tournament. Armen Keteyian – could a name be any more Armenian?

era de hielo


I never thought a UCLA game would actually bore me until Friday night. Go Bruins on Sunday against number one Cincinnati. Knock on wood. Five out of six of my teams made it to the second round. Whoo! Pac-10 second round game to watch? Cal vs. Pittsburgh…in PITTSBURGH. Oh and Bob Knight cannot coach. The final minute (or half-hour) of the Texas Tech vs. Southern Illinois game was simply pitiful.

godspeed through texas, faggot

"gleemonex blues"

If you didn't know already, Vince McMahon is one of my heroes (see the latest portal), and today, I'm-a emulate him and change and drop content angles without any explanation.

So now then.

No more Stupid Little Oscar® Game 5.

No more reviews.

Moving on…

Fuck the state of Ohio. I say Pac-10 all the way, although I did enjoy UNC Wilmington's rape of the collective USC ego. Poor Sam Clancy will never win a championship, but it's okay. He can take comfort in his 1.9 GPA. Anyway, with Arizona, Oregon and Stanford all winning their games, I'm optimistic about the chances of our conference. Pac-10 tourney champ Arizona plays 11th-seeded Wyoming on Saturday instead of stupid Gonzaga, so they should at least be able to advance to the Sweet 16, and if inconsistent UCLA can defeat number one Kansas, then so can Stanford. In other news, I still hate Duke and the Miami Hurricanes should stick to football.

I have had it with my computer cooling fan. For the past six months, I have banged and banged on the plastic fucker and it simply refuses to be quiet. Imagine listening to a VCR rewind all fucking day long. I would replace it except that HP built my computer all weird and used this fan that you can only buy in China or something. Goddammit…

I hate it when you get a soda from a vending machine and it's warm because the machine was just restocked.

Next Friday, a special 20th anniversary edition of Steven Spielberg's "masterpiece" E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial hits theaters with never before seen footage, a remastered soundtrack, and enhanced visual effects. Yes, E.T. phones home once again…this time with 1-800-COLLECT. Save a buck or two! Among the modifications to the film, Spielberg improved the way E.T. voices his famous line "E.T. phone home" by digitally matching the creature's lips to the words. He also lengthened the Halloween sequence and changed a scene in which Elliot's mom forbids him to go trick-or-treating dressed as a terrorist. Instead, the mom now bars him from going out dressed as a hippie. Purists might also cringe at the thought of Spielberg lopping off Elliot's infamous "penis breath" insult to his brother. Moreover, in the original, the feds in pursuit of Elliot and E.T. carried shotguns. Now they wield walkie-talkies.

I turn 20 this year.

I think I'm-a make a special edition of myself for my 20th anniversary too. I'll enhance my visual effects with the help of steroids and a plastic surgeon, maybe get him to add some never before seen footage to my dick. I'll stop making penis jokes and adopt a fake British accent to charm the masses into protesting the use of two-way pagers in the search for that peaceful loving flower child Osama Bin Laden.

Look for the born-again Jon Yu in theaters October 6, 2002.

on the waning days of my existence

"top 40 ounces to freedom"

More people want to tag the header than I expected, so I decided to create a gallery of previously-exhibited headers (with credits).

This week and next, I am seeing Aphex Twin, Wilco, The Boredoms, Cannibal Ox, Sleater-Kinney, The Apex Theory, Lostprophets, Quarashi, Thursday, The Movielife, onelinedrawing and a few others. Finals? What finals?

Have you seen the latest Enrique Iglesias video where he makes out with Anna Kournikova? Yeah. I believe you, Enrique.

Cartoon characters should not make appearances on awards shows.

Guys named Jason always think they're hot shit.

In fourth grade, my class learned about the history of California. I've always wondered if other states require students to learn about their state history too. What if you grew up in, say, Maine? What history does Maine have? It gets cold; it gets less cold. It gets cold; it gets less cold. It gets cold again; you move to California.

tupperware cowboy

"yee haw"

For the final project in my screenwriting class, I had to write the first five to ten pages of an original screenplay. The following is my final project presented in a modified screenplay format for internet aesthetic purposes.

the main character is Jon Tenorman
V.O. = voice-over
Halfhearted APPLAUSE.


Packed like sardines with suburban kids. A motivational SPEAKER addresses the audience.

Speaker: Thank you, thank you. I am so excited to be here today talking to the bright students of Dukakis High School.

JON wastes away in the bleachers. Yawns.

Speaker: How many of you are in love? Raise your hands if you are in love.

A couple students raise their hands.

Speaker: Good, good. You know, love is the most precious thing in life. We love life. We love this earth. We love our friends and family. We want to be there whenever they need us, in times of joy, in times of trouble. Just being there is a great emotional support. The least we can do for our loved ones is to be there. And if those whom we love are important to us, then someone whom they love – that is, you and I – should also be important.

Dead crowd. Jon nudges RORY.

Jon: Can you believe this hack?

Speaker: And if we love them, then how can we destroy ourselves with drugs? What if a few years from now, someone I love is in trouble, or in great joy, and desperately needs me to share and care, but I can't help them because I'm addicted to marijuana?

Jon surveys the audience. Sees some fellow seniors machinating.

Jon: (V.O.) Oh brother. Here we go again. 1…2…

Seniors: Freshmen suck!

Various seniors cheer. The PRINCIPAL, mortified, borrows the speaker's microphone.

Principal: Gentlemen. What you just did was very disrespectful to our guest spe—

Freshmen: Seniors suck!

Various freshmen cheer and various seniors boo simultaneously.

Principal: Cut it out, people! This behavior is unacceptable, especially wh—

Juniors: Freshmen suck!

Many upperclassmen cheer. Chaos ensues.

Freshmen: Fuck you!

Sophomores: Juniors suck!

Seniors: Seniors rule!


Jon walks with Rory.

Jon: 100 more days. 100 more days and I'm getting out of this morass and going some place far, far away where I don't have to put up with any of this shit anymore.
Rory: You expect college to be the land of milk and honey? Beer ain't ambrosia, buddy.
Jon: Who says I'm going to college?
Rory: Well, you applied to ten schools. I would assume that you're gonna attend one of them. Besides, why wouldn't you be going to college? You don't look like the flipping burgers type to me.
Jon: I've decided that I don't like school, and I don't think I wanna go anymore. So far this year, I've only been motivated to write my column for the school paper and pray that the admin moves graduation day up to sometime in March or April. Everything else sucks. Might as well put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brains in AP Chem. I really don't like school and, uh, I think this is it.
Rory: What will your family say though?
Jon: My family?


JON'S DAD talks madly on a phone.

Jon: (V.O.) Let me tell you about my family. My dad sells insurance for a living and trades stocks on the side, allegedly investing in my future. I'll be homeless in a coupla years. Look for me on the streets. When he's not working, my dad preoccupies himself with technological equipment, hoping to make it big with the help of computers. Yeah. He enjoys gawking at online porn.


JON'S MOM violently disputes a receipt with a cashier.

Jon: (V.O.) My mom takes ceramics classes at a local community college. Needless to say, shitty pottery pervades our house. If you ever need an ashtray or a pot, stop by. Unlike most ceramics students though, it doesn't require much to make my mom angry. She always seems to be pissed at something. Just last week, she threw a tantrum at a Girl Scout who ran outta Thin Mints and only had Caramel DeLites.


JON'S OLDER BROTHER plays a cello concerto outside the entrance.

Jon: (V.O.) My older brother's a pothead. He dropped out of school and now lives at home, spending his days smoking pot and playing cello on random street corners downtown. He used to be the top student in his class, but after he was suspended junior year of high school for – what else? – smoking pot in the girl's bathroom, he started acting out upon his return to school…



Jon's older brother stands on a soapbox and preaches to gathering of students.

Jon's Older Brother: Vote Jack Tenorman for Principal!

Jon: (V.O.) …and soon left with a GED.


JON'S LITTLE SISTER practices contemporary dance.

Jon: (V.O.) My six year-old sister likes to dance. This, of course, means that she will inevitably take up cheerleading, lose her virginity to a drunken Pop Warner football player, have major work done on her body as a sweet sixteen present, and wind up a sad, pathetic, not to mention stupid, bleached-blond chain-smoking waitress at a 24-hour diner who lives in a trailer with her two bastard children.


Jon: So yeah. I think I could use a break from my family. I'm thinking about living abroad for a while. I have a brochure right here.

Jon gives Rory the brochure.

Rory: It says here that even though it's not technically study abroad, you still need a 3.0 GPA to participate in the program. You, sir, are no 3.0 student, and don't give me that second semester senior bullcrap.
Jon: For your information, I currently have a 2.85, and if it wasn't for fucking Spanish, I'd be set.

Rory: Señora Gaylord's class?
Jon: Yee.
Rory: I hear she's an easy teacher.
Jon: I know! But for some reason, she doesn't like me, and I can't explain why. This is the fourth consecutive year I've had her for Spanish too. Why did she have to torment me throughout my pitiful foreign language education? Why couldn't she have just stuck to teaching Spanish 1 or something?
Rory: Teachers like variety. If I was a teacher, I'd hate to teach the same class year after year.
Jon: But it's Spanish! What variety is there? You teach Spanish; you don't teach Spanish. You teach Spanish; you don't teach Spanish. You teach Spanish; you retire. Goddammit…
Rory: I'm sure you'll be fine.
Jon: No, I won't. I've yet to get higher than a C on anything under her reign. She hates me. Take yesterday, for example. I asked her nicely to speak in English and she proceeded to go on this tirade about how it's Spanish class and we should speak Spanish, totally oblivious to the fact that we live in America, and things should be taught in American.
Rory: Roight.
Jon: Plus, she insists on calling me "juice" in Spanish. My Spanish name is Hugo, not "ugo," thank you very much.
Rory: Dude, Hs are silent in Spanish.
Jon: Whatever.

Jon sighs heavily.

Jon: I tell ya, she's the bane of my existence and unfortunately, also the key to my freedom. If only there was a way to get rid of her.
Rory: Have you thought about killing her?
Jon: Oh that's a wonderful idea. Let's do that, Hornblower. Let's shoot up our school and become the next Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold.
Rory: Who?
Jon: The two Columbine kids.
Rory: Man, those guys are gonna be in jail for a long time.

Jon puts his head in his hands. Mopes.

Jon: What am I gonna do?


Rory reads the school newspaper out loud.

Rory: I hereby beseech each and every one of you to join the fight and demand the dismissal of Señora Gaylord on charges of being too damn hot. How am I and many of my peers supposed to concentrate in her class if we all have giant throbbing boners? When Spanish class becomes sex ed, you know something's wrong. Let's face it. Gaylord's gotta go in order to guarantee an all-around quality education for all the students of Dukakis High School. Sic semper tyrannis. (to Jon) Jesus monsoon…

stars mistaken for planes

"shiny turbulence"

Wednesday night was Entertainment Night here at school. The UCLA Alumni Association invited alumni with careers in the entertainment industry to sit at tables and field questions from students making the rounds. The event wasn't particularly life-changing, but I did get to harass some cool people. For example…

I met Samwise Gamgee! Apparently, Sean Astin and his wife are UCLA alumni. I got to sit at a table, shake hands with, and talk to a Hobbit (and Goonie) for a good half-hour. How cool is that? He even showed me his Fellowship of the Ring tattoo.

I also talked to Bob Bodon, the senior vice president of programming for the Game Show Network. This guy has worked on every game show imaginable. He knows the exact date when Gene Rayburn died! I asked him about the infamous ice cream man episode of Press Your Luck and he said that yes, the Game Show Network has the rights to air that episode and will do so in the coming months, possibly in conjunction with the Bill Murray movie about that episode. Whoo. Oh and I chewed him out for co-creating that lame Fox game show Greed.

Finally, I talked to (get this) the executive director of broadcast standards at Fox. She's the Fox censor, if that's not a redundant title. The question "what were you thinking?" popped up many times during our conversation. Among the things I learned from this really cool lady: Amy Fisher was replaced with Paula Jones on the upcoming Celebrity Boxing special because Fisher's parole board wouldn't let her fight, Greg the Bunny will rock my sitcom world, and Fox plans to air a special best described as a kids version of Candid Camera. Gotta love Fox.

That is all.

arizona stand

"Au + H2O"

"the end" by the doors plays

Jon: [looking in a motel bathroom mirror] I've been around this block twice looking for something…a clue. I've been looking for clues and something led me back here…yeah…so here I am. Coulda been me who was at Jord's place when the shit went down. Hey, I know how it is, 'cause I've been there. We've all done bad things. We all have those guilty feelings in our hearts. You wanna take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. Well, no. But I'm gonna help you settle this. You know me? You know my reputation? I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Jonathan Yu. So I'm gonna be nice and I'm gonna ask you one more time…who the fuck was driving the van?
[Jon stands up, unzips his pants and lets his penis hang out. He looks at the reflection of it in the mirror]
Jon: I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I'm a star. I'm a star. I'm a big bright shining star.
[Jon puts it back in his pants, does a karate kick towards his reflection and walks out of the room, closing the door behind him]
Jon: [to Anthony] It's time.

in the car

Jon: Look at that. Another shopping center. How many stores can one city possibly need? This place is like one giant outdoor mall. You ever been to Phoenix?
Anthony: No.
Jon: Would it kill you to say something?
Anthony: I did.
Jon: "No." First thing you've said in the last four hours. That's a…that's a fountain of conversation, man. That's a geyser. I mean, whoa, daddy! Stand back, man! Shit, I'm sittin' here driving, man, doin' all the driving, whole fuckin' way from LA, drivin', tryin' to, you know, tryin' to chat, keep our spirits up, fight the boredom of the road, and you can't say one fucking thing just in the way of conversation.
[no response from Anthony]
Jon: Well, fuck it. I don't have to talk either, man. See how you like it.
[total silence]


Jon: Aight. We're here.
[Anthony pulls out a sniper rifle]
Jon: Whoa whoa whoa. What the hell is that?
Anthony: Backup.
Jon: Right. Why don't you put it on the sidewalk for the time being? Just to be safe.
Anthony: Yessir.
Jon: Okay. Buckle up. He should be heading to school any minute now. Here he comes.
[Jord exits his house and approaches his car. Jon steps on the gas pedal and drives his car into Jord's car]
Jord: GAH!!!
[Jon gets out of his wrecked car and adjusts his neck]
Jon: Look what you made me do, Jord.
Jord: Look what I made you do? I didn't ask you to total my car! You did it on your own free will! You! And you disobeyed a restraining order to do so! Thanks a lot…ASSHOLE.
Jon: I didn't want it to come to this. Really.
Jord: I'm calling the cops.
Jon: While you're at it, you might wanna turn yourself in.
Jord: For what?
Jon: Killing Rory Hornblower.
Jord: For the last time, I had nothing to do with his death.
Jon: I know KeeJay was driving the van that hit him.
Jord: And?
Jon: You're KeeJay!
Jord: No, I'm not.
Jon: Dude, I've seen the photos on WC. You wear a modified soda box on your head and call yourself KeeJay!
Jord: So I'm KeeJay, huh? How could I have been in two places at once on the day of the accident?
Jon: See, that's what I can't figure out. You play the role of Keyser Söze. Who's your pawn though? Who was driving that van disguised as KeeJay?
Jord: Maybe it was KeeJay.
Jon: But…but…
[suddenly, KeeJay appears outta nowhere and whacks Jon with a kendo stick]
Jon: OW! [gasp] He does exist!
Anthony: They DO exist!
Jord: I told you to stay in the basement!
Jon: Wait. [to KeeJay] If you're not Jord, then who are you?
[KeeJay grunts]
Jord: His identity is of no importance. KeeJay represents the American sublime. Human beings are designed to be hunters and we live in a society of shopping. There's nothing to kill anymore. There's nothing to fight, nothing to overcome, nothing to explore. In that social emasculation, this everyman – KeeJay – is created.
Jon: Why hit Hornblower though? He hates shopping. What was the motive?
Jord: Oh it's simply because he jizzed on my Gamecube controller. Couldn't let him get away sticky-handed. Haha. Now if you'll excuse me, I have school in a coupla minutes and no ride.
[Jord walks into his house and then comes out again]
Jord: One more thing…
[Jord makes a whistle call and sics a giant armored wolf on Jon and Anthony]
Jon: Holy shit! RUN!!!
[Jon and Anthony run like mad when suddenly, gunshots sound and the wolf falls down dead]
Rory: Yippee-ky-yay, motherfucker!
Jon: RORY! You…you're alive!
Rory: Yee.
Jon: How?
Rory: Weird science.
Jon: I'm sorry?
Rory: Weird Science. The 1985 movie that Tony starred in.
Jon: Yes yes. I remember.
Rory: Tony called up Ilan Mitchell-Smith and they got together to re-create Lisa who in turn resurrected me as a favor.
Jon: Okay…that makes sense…I guess. [to Anthony] Tony, why didn't you say anything?
Rory: Because I'm not John Cusack.
Jon: Well anyway, it's good to see you again.
Rory: Hold that thought. I have some unfinished business to attend to.
[Rory walks to the front door of Jord's house and rings the doorbell. Jord opens the door]
Jord: Jon Yu, I'm-a hurt you with this bat if y— What the? RORY? How…whaaa?
Rory: Hello, Jordan. I'd like to have a word with you.
Jord: Stay back or I'm-a hit you!
Rory: Do it and I'll shove that bat up your arse and turn you into a popsicle. [pause] Can we talk please?
Jord: KEEJAY! Get over here!
[KeeJay gets over there]
Rory: Is this the guy who hit me? Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Rory Hornblower, but you can suck my dick.
[KeeJay grunts]
Jord: What do you want?
Rory: I just want to talk.
Jord: Then why are you holding a sniper rifle in your hand?
Rory: Am I? Silly me.
Jord: Look, I gotta get to school.
Rory: Are you scared? What are you thinking right now? Scary, huh? C'mon, Jord. We never chat on AIM anymore. Let's chat.
Jord: About what?
Rory: Oh…issues. For one, you killed me. That's something to talk about, no?
?: Gentlemen! If I may…
Jord: Who are you?
?: I'm Vince McMahon and I smell a profit windfall. How would you guys like to settle your differences…on pay-per-view!
Rory: What do you have in mind?
Vince: Jon and Rory versus Jord and KeeJay…April 1…IN A STEEL CAGE!
Jord: Will there be nude ping pong playing cheerleaders?
Vince: Sure, we'll have nude ping pong playing cheerleaders. In fact, how about I add a stipulation where the last man standing gets to take home the nude ping pong playing cheerleader of his choice?
Rory: I want Jord's sister!
Jord: Shut it.
Vince: So now then. Jon, Rory, Jord and KeeJay. Rage in a cage. April 1. What do you say?
Rory and Jord: It's on.
[KeeJay grunts]
Jon: I love you, Vince!

sinners in the pants of an angry god

"we're not worthy"

previously on

Rory: I'm in Arizona.
Rory: I got kicked outta WankerCounty Jord's house.
Jord: Get outta my fuckin' driveway!
Jord: …so then this van coming down the road just swerves and BOOM hits him straight on as he's turning around.
Jon: [while assaulting Rory] Why didn't you fucking tell me that you were from fucking…Jersey?
Receptionist: Sir, please! He's in a coma!
Receptionist: Something about New Jersey triggered a subconscious pent-up psychotic seizure of uncontained violent animal rage.
Detective: [to Jord] You know this guy?
Jord: He's a complete nutjob.
Detective: Throw him in the cuckoo room.
Jon: I'm not crazy!
Anthony: Hornblower died last night from complications of surgery.
Jon: [to Jord] You had me wrongfully committed.
Jon: What's this? A restraining order?
Anthony: What are you gonna do now?
Jon: I'm-a try to find out who drove the van that hit Hornblower.
Announcer: Coming up next, Crossing Over with John Edward!

so now then

Announcer: From an early age, John Edward displayed remarkable psychic abilities – predictions and premonitions he couldn't explain. At 15, a reading by a psychic changed his life. John was told what millions have witnessed – he could reunite people in the physical world with those who have crossed over.
John: Thank you. Welcome to Crossing Over. I'm John Edward. People come here hoping to connect with their loved ones for many reasons and sometimes that includes obtaining answers to issues that were unsettled at the time of the passing…

Anthony: What are we doing here? Do you really believe this psychic shit?
Jon: It's worth a shot. Besides, Haley Joel Osment was busy.

John: Ready? You guys ready? All right. I'm ready to begin.
[John breathes deeply]
John: I need to acknowledge that I've got a young male coming through. I would say this is like being a brother, friend, partner. He's telling me to acknowledge some type of either Juh, Joe, Jacques, John…there's a J-O connection. He's coming through for that reason. [points at the audience] I don't feel like I'm there. I feel like I'm in this area right here. I'm up here.
Jon: OH OH OH! It's me!
John: He's telling me to acknowledge something about…I dunno…some strange message about being dumped by an escort.
Jon: It's definitely me then!
John: I do think I'm with you, sir. I think there's a connection with you.
Jon: He was a buddy of mine.
John: He's passed, right?
Jon: Yes.
John: Okay, the first thing that's coming through is that he wants me to talk about Arizona, Nevada, out there in that area. Who's out there?
Jon: This guy Jord. He lives in Mesa.
John: Something happened in Mesa. Did you…did you guys do something involving motor vehicles?
Jon: He was hit by a van.
John: I feel like this wasn't an accident. He's making me feel like we need to acknowledge something about beverages, some type of issue concerning beverages.
Jon: Maybe the driver of the van was drunk. But then it WOULD be an accident.
John: He's telling me to acknowledge that there's some sort of Kage or K-J name that he wants me to acknowledge. He's telling me that it's some sort of mysterious figure that I could see as being a K-J.
Jon: Uhhh…Kevin James? You got me. Never met any K-Js before.
John: Haha. Sometimes people show me stuff that could be completely off and wrong. However, I always say it, even if it's weird, and I'm only saying this because I have to say this, and I say this today with such great reluctancy, but is there a joke about you giving head?
Jon: Yeah. Come to think of it, there are many jokes on that particular subject.
John: As a result of that…like…I don't feel like this was something like…you know I'm not…again, this is like a reference to…this where I feel like it's not something that you would do because it was like a lack of control…it's not…you know what I'm saying? It's like a "you" thing, but I feel like the connection to this…there's something important about this or about that experience. Or what he's trying to make me say is that you thought you were, but you really weren't. But there's something important about that thing. The joke. It's a reference. It's a connection. A connection exists between blow jobs what you're looking for. Do you understand that?
[long pause]
Jon: FUCK ME! I gotta go. Tony, let's roll.
Anthony: Where are we going?
Jon: Arizona.
Anthony: Er…why?
Jon: I figured out who was driving that van.
Anthony: Whaaa? Who? How?
Jon: Don't you see? Beverages, K-J, BJ… It was KEEJAY!!!
Anthony: KeeJay?
Jon: He's in the WC webcam section.
Anthony: Dude, KeeJay is just Jord wearing a modified Cherry Coke box on his head! How could Jord commit a crash he witnessed?
Jon: That's what I'm gonna find out. I know he's behind this though.
Anthony: How do you know?
Jon: A little bird told me. ASS.
Anthony: Why do I bother? [sigh] You sure you wanna leave now? It's almost 9:00 PM and we're in for a long drive. Full moon rising.
Jon: I'll get the car.

meanwhile in EST

to be continued…

teri yakimoto

"mr. desoto"

My mom went to Japan yesterday. Before leaving, she called me to ask if I wanted anything from across the sea.

I knew exactly what I wanted.

I want one of the costumes the Beastie Boys wore in their video for "Intergalactic." Pop-Up Video says that Japanese garbage men wear this particular get-up as a work uniform and the Beasties simply mooched. I hope the show's right. I've waited four years now to get me one. Will you buy it for me, mommy? Will you?

big and mighty was king kong, but not as hard as my morning dong


Diamondbacks beat the Yankees. Patriots beat the Rams. Now somebody please beat Duke.

It's March. I can feel the madness setting in, and you can be sure this one's definitely NOT for North Carolina.

I know it's easy to hate Duke, but I've thought it over, and I still really hate them. They think they're God's gift to college basketball. I'm crossing my fingers in hopes that some school (preferably a Pac-10 team — west side!) sends the Blue Devils back to hell in front of a national television audience. UCLA sucks this year and Stanford will choke as usual, so as much as I hate to say it, nothing would make me happier than seeing Kansas or Maryland win the NCAA championship, if only to prevent Duke from repeating.

Duke recently signed coach Mike Krzyzewski to a lifetime contract that extends at least to 2011. Goodie. Maybe now he can buy some vowels for his name.

Why don't basketball coaches ever look like they can play basketball?

[door opens]
Jon: I am NEVER visiting Arizona again.
Anthony: Jon!
Jon: I tell ya, the government shoulda moved nuclear bomb testing one state to the left.
Anthony: Right.
Jon: Hey, what happened to all of Matt's shit?
Anthony: Oh he moved out while you were gone.
Jon: WHAT?
Anthony: He just got up one day and left.
Jon: Well fuck. This is — what? — the sixth roommate of mine to bail?
Anthony: Fifth.
Jon: Goddammit. And he took the fridge too!
Anthony: Yeah, because it was his. I can get you a fridge if you want.
Jon: Nah… I just really need ice right now. My testicles hurt like Chris Carrabba.
Anthony: What happened?
Jon: Long story.
Anthony: I have time. It's not like Hollywood's banging on my door.
Jon: [sigh] Okay. I remember it like it was just yesterday…

[Jon rings a doorbell. Jord's dad opens the door]
Jon: Where's the circumcised ass whore?
Jord dad: Just a sec. HONEY!
Jon: NO! No… Heh. I'm looking for Jord.
Jord dad: Jord's not circumcised though…
Jon: Whaaa? Look, can you just tell me where I can find Jord?
Jord dad: He's at tennis practice.
Jon: Tennis? He…he plays…tennis?
Jord dad: Yeah.
Jon: Oh this is gettin' good… Aight. Thanks a lot.
Jord dad: No prob.

Darren: 15-40.
[Darren aces]
Darren: Game!
Jord: [to himself] Blasted ball…
Darren: Jolly good game, Jordan.
Jord: Indeed.
Darren: Here's your sweater. Would you like to have tea with me?
Jord: You're too kind. Alas, I cannot. The opera calls.
Darren: Pity… Well, ta ta for now!
Jord: Cheerio!
[Jon runs onto the court and assaults Jord with a tennis racket]
Jord: The FUCK are you doing? Heads only go through tennis rackets in cartoons, dumbass! That fucking hurt!
Jon: Did it? How 'bout this?
[Jon gives Jord a titty twister]
Jord: OW! Why you…
[Jord whacks Jon in the nuts with the side of his racket]
Jon: AUGH… [gasps for air] …fuck me!
Jord: What are you trying to do, huh? You got nothing on me! Yes, a van hit Hornblower in my driveway, but I had nothing to do with it. The glove don't fit, so you gotta acquit. Leave me alone! Please! I mean, what did I ever do to deserve this? I've been nothing but nice to you since the day we met. I fuckin' plugged the hell outta your shitty little site on WC before plugging the hell outta shitty little sites on WC was cool!
Jon: You had me wrongfully committed.
Jord: Hmmm. Good point. Look, I've made mistakes in my life, but I'm proud to tell you I've learned from those mistakes.
Jon: Oh shut up!
Jord: Here. I got you something.
[Jord gives Jon an envelope]
Jon: What's this? A restraining order?
Jord: Yee.
[long pause]
Jord: … jersey.
[Jon approaches Jord to assault him again]
Jord: Uh uh uh! 100 feet at all times…bitch. Read it and weep! Haha.
Jon: You'll get yours.
Jord: …

Anthony: Wow. What are you gonna do now?
Jon: Since I can't legally go near Jord, I guess I'm-a try to find out who drove the van that hit Hornblower.
Anthony: And how do you plan on doing that?

Announcer: Coming up next, Crossing Over with John Edward!

to be continued…

ambition makes you look pretty ugly

"you don't remember"

Anthony: All's quiet on the western front. Not much to report, not much to do. Hornblower was buried yesterday in his hometown and Jon…he's still locked up in Arizona. Free the west Mesa one! Haha. Anyway, the nation's leaders have encouraged America to resume normal life, so we'll try to do just that today.

The one and only returns for a fifth installment.

Molly: What the fuck is this Stupid Little Oscar® Game?
Anthony: [channeling Jon] The result of extreme boredom in AP English class sophomore year of high school. I bet a coupla my classmates that I could correctly predict more Oscar® award winners than they could and put money on the line and lost.
Molly: You gave away your own money?
Anthony: Yee. I gave away $20 of my own money that year.
Molly: That's gay!
Anthony: If you say so. Personally, I think Richard Simmons and Nathan Lane having anal sex is a bit more gay.
Molly: Why didn't you guys just have an Oscar® pool instead?
Anthony: Because people like free shit, and I had (and still have) the mind to capitalize on this very American tendency. Don't get me wrong. I play the SLOG myself. The house plays to keep its money.
Molly: I'm sorry. SLOG?
Anthony: It's what the kids call the game. Originally, it was the Retarded Little Oscar® Game until I realized that RLOG doesn't quite roll off the tongue like SLOG does.
Molly: Okay… So what's the "SLOG" grand prize this year?
Anthony: $100. Same as last year. Bling bling.
Molly: I saw another site with an Oscar® prediction game and they had a 42" Sony plasma digital high-definition flat-screen television system as a grand prize.
Anthony: Oh? Go play their game then. See if I care. Go win a DVD player or a trip to Fiji from or whatever site you visited. You're not hurting my feelings.
[crickets chirp]
Molly: H-How do I play the SLOG?
Anthony: Fill out the SLOG 5 ballot completely and click on the submit button. That's it. Contact me if you wanna make any changes after sending in your ballot. The deadline is March 24, 2002 at 4:00 PM PST. Few will enter; one will win. SLOG 5 results will be posted March 25, the day after the show. Word has it that the mysterious Adam Riff™ himself will drop by to present the SLOG 5 winner with his or her Benjamin.
Molly: Whoa. [looks at the SLOG 5 ballot] Hey, I don't know all the movies on here.
Anthony: Nobody does. That's why it's a game, not a final exam. Games involve an element of chance. Then again, I suppose final exams do too, but that's a whole other issue. If it helps, this year, outta pity to our less movie-inclined contestants, I'm-a award a twenty-second place prize of $1 in addition to the grand prize.
Molly: Roight. Well, thanks Anthony!
Anthony: No…thank YU!

SLOG History
the winners
1998 – Jose Antonio Vargas (17/24 • 71%)
1999 – Annie Schmidt (14/22 • 64%)
2000 – Derek Fong (16/22 • 73%)
2001 – Shing Hwong (16/23 • 69%)

…and the royal tenenBOMB
1999 – Sima Gandhi (1/22 • 5%)