tony fader is my hero 2

"funny, he doesn't look jewish"

Anthony: Anthony Michael Hall here. [sigh] Where do I start? Jon's still in Mesa police custody. He had calmed down and we were all ready to post bail when the cops had him committed over some online personality disorder test of his that they found.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Anthony: Yeeeah. Doesn't make him look any less crazy. Our lawyers are working 'round the clock to clear up this PR fiasco. We're hoping to get Jon back as early as next week. I talked to him today and he said to tell everyone that "I'm-a rape Jord in a foxtrot uniform Charlie kilo." You hear that, Jord? He's gonna rape you in a something something something! As for Hornblower… [pause] Hornblower died last night from complications of surgery. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his family in…"that state". Still no word on who was driving the van that brought about his demise, but whoever it was better lock and load because we're gonna fuck you up real bad, bitch! In memoriam of the one and only Rory Hornblower, join me now in singing "I Miss My Homies" by Master P.

Sittin' at the ghetto thinkin' 'bout
All my homies passed away (uuunnnggghhh!)
Candy-painted cadillacs and triple gold
That's how me and my boys rolled
How could it be?
Somebody took my boy from me
My best friend's gone
I really miss my homies
Even though they gone away
I know you in a better place
And I hope to see ya soon someday

Who was driving the van? Is Jon really crazy? What does he have against the state of New Jersey? And what's gonna happen to Jord?

to be continued…

narco tourist

"nerd alert"

Jord: …so then this van coming down the road just swerves and BOOM hits him straight on as he's turning around.

Jon: Hey. I took the first flight out here that I could get. Where is he?
Anthony: ICU.
Jon: Jeez. What are we lookin' at?
Anthony: Concussion of the penis.
Jon: That's it?
Anthony: Have you ever been hit in the groin…
Jon: Of course.
Anthony: …at 85 miles per hour?
Jon: Good point.
Anthony: Plus, I heard that he's got broken bones and internal hemorrhaging too.
Jon: Oh. [pause] I wanna see him. What room is he in?
Anthony: Dunno. The hospital staff won't let me back there.
Jon: [to Receptionist] Excuse me, miss. Hi. I'm looking for a friend of mine.
Receptionist: Name?
Jon: James Rorrigan Hornblower.
[Receptionist checks her computer]
Receptionist: I'm sorry, sir. There's no patient named James Hornblower in the system.
Jon: Whaaa? That can't be right.
[Receptionist checks her computer again]
Receptionist: Nope. I'm not gettin' anything.
Jon: Try searching for the name "Rory Hornblower" then.
[Receptionist checks her computer]
Receptionist: Huh. It says here that we admitted a Rory John Patrick Hornblower from Woodbridge, New Jersey today. Is that who you're looking for?
Jon: John Pa— Jersey? Are you sure about that?
Receptionist: Yeah.
Jon: Lemme see. [reading Receptionist's computer monitor] Rory John Patrick Hornblower – born October 6, 1981 in Woodbridge, New J… Why that lying son of a bitch! He's from…JERSEY? Motherfucker!
Receptionist: Sir, you can't go back there!
Jon: You think you're the first woman to say that to me?
Receptionist: Security!

Jord: The driver ran off right after the crash. I didn't get a good look at him. He was white…if that helps.

[door slams open]
Jon: HORNBLOWER! You lying sack of shit!
[Jon jumps onto hospital bed and assaults Rory]
Receptionist: What are you doing? Get off the bed!
Jon: [while assaulting Rory] Why didn't you fucking tell me that you were from fucking…Jersey?
Receptionist: Sir, please! He's in a coma!
Jon: [to Rory's comatose face] I'm-a videotape myself fucking your dog in the ass and send it to all the TV stations in Jersey so it'll air throughout the state and then everybody will know just what a horrible New Jerseyan you are, letting your best friend FUCK YOUR DOG IN THE ASS! How do you like them apples?
Receptionist: Calm down, sir!
Jon: Okay. [breathes deeply] 3-2-1…1-2-3…what the heck is bothering me? [pause] Talented Mr. Ripley believe it or FUCKING not!
[Jon launches another assault on Rory]
Jon: [while assaulting Rory] Goddamn cracker fucksti—
Security Man: Freeze! Hands behind your head!
Jon: Heh. No…
Security Man: Come again?
Jon: No. The hospital's under new management now. Everybody does exactly what I say, nobody will get hurt.
Security Man: Fuck that!
[Security Man shoots Jon in the foot]
Jon: ARGH!!! You asshole!
Security Man: Get him outta here. [to Receptionist] What was up with that guy?
Receptionist: Something about New Jersey triggered a subconscious pent-up psychotic seizure of uncontained violent animal rage.
Security Man: Kinda like Jayson Williams.

Jord: A motive? Hell if I know. Maybe the driver was drunk. Or maybe the Romanian Electronics Emporium had it out for him. Don't you find a van that says "Romanian Electronics Emporium" on its side awfully suspicious? Never seen any Romanian electronics stores in Arizona before. Then again, I would never go outta my way to buy electronic products from a Romanian.
Detective: Right. Well, I think we have all the information we need.
Jord: Cool.
Detective: Thank you for your cooperation today.
[doors slam open]
Jon: I didn't do anything wrong!
Cop: Beating up a comatose guy lying in a hospital bed in the intensive care unit – I'd say that's somewhat wrong, don't you think?
Detective: What do we got?
Cop: The whacko who went berserk in the hospital.
Jon: I'm not crazy!
Cop: Sure you aren't.
Jon: I'm not! I'm not cra— JORD!!! Jord! It's me! Jon Yu! Tell them I'm not crazy, Jord!
Detective: [to Jord] You know this guy?
Jord: Uh…yee. I talk to him online.
Detective: And?
Jord: He's a complete nutjob. Bob calls him Sodom Insane.
Jon: Jord! What the fuck, dude?
Jord: If I were you, I'd be careful around him.
Jon: I thought you were my friend! You called me witty! I'm not crazy; I'm witty, dammit!
Detective: Throw him in the cuckoo room.
Jon: The cuckoo room? Oh you've got to be kidding. This is unreal. You're not real. You're not real! [touches a desk] This is real. [touches a desk lamp] This is real. [looks at Detective] YOU'RE NOT REAL!
Detective: Take him away.
Jon: [while being dragged away] Roberts, when I get outta here, I'm-a turn your nutsack into a maraca! You got that? A maraca! A FUCKING MARACA!
Detective: Is he always like this?
Jord: Pretty much.
Detective: Fuck me. [sigh] Anyway, you're free to go. You can pick up your belongings at the depot.
Jord: Aight. Have a nice day. [to himself as he walks away] Fuckin' cops.
[Jord goes to the depot]
Cop: One watch – gold. One cigarette lighter – gold. One wallet – brown. One pack of cigarettes.

to be continued…

dashboard confessioNO

"smells like victory"

Mulholland Drive you crazy.

A boilerplate David Lynch enigma wrapped in a dreamy riddle wrapped in girl-girl action. Originally conceived as a series for ABC and reworked as a feature once the network backed out.

Okay, either I'm really stupid or David Lynch is really weird. A mess with flashes of tossed-off beauty.

Jon: All righty. For the very last time, let's go live via cable modem to Salt Lake City.

Rory: Hello.
Jon: What the? Where are you, Hornblower? What happened to the snow?
Rory: I took the world's longest piss last night and melted it all away.
Jon: …
Rory: Actually, I'm in Arizona.
Jon: Arizona? What are you doing in Arizona? You're supposed to be at the closing ceremonies!
Rory: Heh. Funny story…
Jon: Oh no…
Rory: Last night, a couple reporters and I went out and kinda got…uh…wasted…and then decided that it would be fun to play capture the flag with that flag…you know…that American flag recovered from the WTC ruins…and…uh…to make a long story short…security kinda…well…kicked us out.
Jon: You got kicked outta the Olympics one day before graduation?
Rory: That's one way to look at it. I prefer to think that I valiantly emigrated from the Olympic premises.
Jon: Roight. [pause] So why are you in Arizona again?
Rory: Well, I had one day to kill after valiantly emigrating, so I figured what the hell. Arizona's right below Utah. I've never been. I have a plane ticket. I'm-a go check it out.
Jon: That plane ticket's supposed to bring you back to Los Angeles, dumbass! How are you gonna get home now?
Rory: I dunno. Carpe diem!
Jon: Jesus ranch… What is there to see in Arizona anyway? The whole state's simply a failed version of California.
Rory: You're just jealous.
Jon: No, I'm not. I've been to Arizona. White people, Mexicans and palm trees. You can get all that in California…and with the added bonus of Disneyland!
Rory: Hold up. When did you ever visit Arizona?
Jon: Last summer.
Rory: Dude, you had a connecting flight in Phoenix. You spent a couple hours in the airport. Sky Harbor is not representative of Arizona!
Jon: You know, Arizona was the last state to ratify Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday as an official holiday.
Rory: Uh huh…
Jon: And what do Diamondbacks fans spin in the air? White towels. Coincidence? I think not.
Rory: What does that have to do with you not liking Arizona?
Jon: Absolutely nothing. [sigh] So where exactly in Arizona are you?
Rory: Uhhh [checks map] Mesa, Arizona.
Rory: Yeah, I'd never heard of it either.
Jon: Then what are you doing there?
Rory: Apparently, Jord lives here, and I'm kickin' it with him. Well, technically not kickin' it with him. More like standing outside his house in the burning sun.
Jon: JORD? Jord as in…WankerCounty Jord? That Jord?
Rory: Yep.
Jon: Does he even know who you are?
Rory: Not really.
Jon: So let me get this straight. In the last 24 hours, you got kicked outta the Olympics and flew to…uh…
Rory: Mesa.
Jon: …Mesa, Arizona on a whim to harass a guy you barely even know at his own house.
Rory: That sounds about right.
Jon: You're incorrigible. [pause] Well, where is he? Where's Jord?
Rory: He's inside the house.
Jon: Let's go meet him.
Rory: Can't.
Jon: Why not?
Rory: Heh. Funny story…
Jon: Oh no…
Rory: I got kicked outta Jord's house.
Jon: Whaaa?
Rory: Roll the footage.

Return of the Jordi

Rory: Hey everybody. I'm standing outside Jord's house right now and I'm about to surprise him with this giant fake check. Here we go!
[Rory rings the doorbell. Jord opens the door]
Rory: Jordan Charles Vogt-Roberts, you've just won the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes!
Jord: Serious?
Rory: No. But take this fake check as a peace offering.
Jord: Do I know you?
Rory: I'm Rory Hornblower. Nice to meet you.
Jord: Look, I'm not interested in converting to Mormonism.
Rory: What are you talking about? It's me! Rory Hornblower!
[Jord gives Rory a blank look]
Rory: From!
Jord: Never heard of it.
Jord: I'm just foolin' with ya. Haha. So you're Rory Hornblower, huh?
Rory: Yeah.
Jord: Can I see some ID?
Rory: ID? Uh…okay…
[Rory shows Jord some ID]
Jord: Excellent.
Rory: Yeah. Rory Hornblower. That's my name. Don't wear it out.
[long silence]
Jord: So what are you doing here?
Rory: Oh I was in the state and I thought I'd pay you a visit.
Jord: I see…
[long silence]
Rory: Can I…come in?
Jord: Uh……….sure…I guess. Come in. Come in…
Rory: Nice crib. Looks like something out of a sitcom.
Jord: Right.
Rory: So how you been, buddy?
Jord: Good.
Rory: You disappeared from the internet. Jon and I have been missing you. It's kinda hard with you not around. Know you're in AZ gettin' down. Every day we pray for you.
Jord: I've been…busy.
Rory: Oh? With what?
Jord: …stuff.
Rory: What kinda stuff?
Jord: Promise not to tell anyone?
Rory: I promise.
Jord: [whispers into Rory's ear] I'm Batman.
[long silence]
Jord: Wanna go see my room?
Rory: Okee.
Jord: This way.
Rory: Damn… This place is so…are those tapes of Sifl & Olly?
Jord: Yee. Bootlegs.
Rory: Sheeeit! How many do you have?
Jord: Dunno.
Rory: …5-6-7…hey, what's this? Bukkake Mushroom?
Jord: Now how did that get there? Darren must have planted it in my room. That assclown! Shame on him!
[phone rings]
Jord: Excuse me.
[Jord answers the phone]
Jord: [into the phone] Yo. Yee. Nine o'clock tonight. I can't do it any earlier. I'm meeting with someone to work on shit for school. It's a big English project. Yee. Oh I got some. Yee yee. Aight. Seeya later.
[Jord hangs up the phone]
Rory: My, that's quite a collection of deodorant you got there.
[Jord grunts]
Rory: Is this what a Gamecube looks like? Wow. It's so small!
Jord: Doesn't Jon have one?
Rory: Yeah, but he hasn't opened the box yet. Going on five months now.
Jord: You wanna play?
Rory: Sure.
Jord: I got Smash Bros. the other day.
Rory: Smashing!
Jord: …
Rory: So are you a virgin?
Jord: No. Pick a character.
Rory: I choose you, Pikachu!
[Jord and Rory play Smash Bros.]
Rory: Whoa! What was that?
Jord: A built-in dual-shock rumble thingy. All video game console controllers have one nowadays. Supposed to make a game more realistic.
Rory: Weird.
[phone rings]
Jord: Uh…just keep playing without me.
[Jord answers the phone]
Jord: [into the phone] Yo. Yee. Six o'clock tonight. I can't do it any later.
[Jord steps outside the room to talk]
Jord: No, I-I can't! I have to meet with someone to work on shit for school. It's a big English project. Yee. I got some. We're good. Aight. Peace.
[Jord hangs up the phone and re-enters the room]
Rory: I love this Gamecube machine!
Jord: Told your ass it rocks. Wait until Dinosa— THE FUCK IS THIS GOOEY SHIT ON MY CONTROLLER?


Jon: So he kicked you out for…
Rory: Yeah.
Jon: That's a nice way to foster relations. Maybe one day you can christen my keyboard.
Rory: Oh I've already done that. Many times over, in fact.
Jon: What are you still doing outside his house? Are you loitering?
Rory: I'm Jord, er, bored. Man, you were right. There's nothing to do in Arizona.
Jon: I might be able to help. Do you have access to a water gun?
[garage door opens]
Jord: Get outta the driveway, Cockblower! I need to get out.
Rory: Hold on. I'm in the midst of taping a piece for the site.
Jord: Do you want me to call the cops?
Rory: I said hold on! Can you do that for me, Jord? Will you hold on a sec…for me?
Jord: No, I won't hold on, perv. Get outta my fuckin' driveway! NOW!
Rory: It's not your driveway. You didn't pay for it; your parents did.
Jord: Come again?
Rory: You didn't pay for this driveway.
Jord: I didn't pay for you to jizz on my controller either!
Jon: Hey Rory. Can Jord hear me?
Rory: Yeah.
Jon: Let me talk to him.
Rory: Aight.
Jon: JORD! This is God! Pardon Rory for his actions and he'll get outta your driveway!
Jord: Fuck off! I don't bereive in Yu.
Jon: But I'm God!
Jord: If you're God, then make me attractive.
Jon: [pause] Dammit! He blew my cover!
Jord: [to Rory] Okay. I'm getting in my car now and I'm-a start the engine. You best get outta the fuckin' way if you know what's good for ya.
[Jord gets in his car and starts the engine]
Rory: Just gimme a coupla minutes.
Jon: Jord, let him finish…
Jord: [sticking his head outta his car's driver's side window] Didn't he already "finish"? Or does he want to hump my car engine too? Is that it?
Jon: Jord…
Jord: [to Rory] Move, asshole! Do it! DOOOOOOOOOO IT!
Rory: No! You're not respecting me.
Jord: Don't make me go Israeli on your ass!
Rory: You and what army? Ha. Ha.
Jon: Rory…
Jord: My residency in Arizona deceives you. I ain't no scrawny emophiliac sissy. I was born and raised in Detroit, bitch!
Rory: And that makes you what? A ninja? Pfff! We all know you were born and raised in a pretty sheltered suburb OUTSIDE of Detroit…bitch.
Jord: You're wasting precious gas and harming the environment standing there.
Rory: Say you're sorry and I'll leave.
Jord: Say I'm sorry? For what? What do I have to be sorry about?
Jon: Guys…calm down.
Jord: Shut it, Baldy McChink.
Jon: What was that?
Rory: If you're not gonna say you're sorry, then come on, sleeping beauty. Run me over! I dare you! No better yet, I physical challenge you! Tiananmen Square my Amnesty Interasshole, boy!
Jon: [to Jord] Did you just call me Baldy McChink?
Jord: [to Rory] Be careful what you wish for! I'll fuck your asshole until it becomes a donkey asshole!
Rory: Fuck you, Jordan! You make me sick!
Jon: Fuckin' A! You motherfuckin' fuckstick!

Jon: RORY!!!

to be continued…

cubans are clean

"fie dolla!"

I think they should rename my classes Neck Pain 106B, Coma 10B and Alzheimer's 130A.

Note to self: never register for a 9:00 AM film class again. So far in my German film history class, we've had 27 film screenings, and I've yet to stay awake through a single one, even on eight hours of sleep. Despite my best efforts to keep my eyes open sitting in a cushioned seat of a darkened movie theater at 9:00 AM, my eyelids always win out, and I end up uncomfortably dozing in and out of consciousness. Today in class, I came to, saw that I had drooled all over myself, and passed out again. [sigh] My parents are paying good money so I can drool on myself.

hegebarth lives

"nay deen"

When someone asks you what time it is, glance at your watch and say, "It's either six-fifteen, or Mickey has a hard-on." Guaranteed they'll ask somebody else.

Jon: Whoo! Let's go live now via cable modem to Salt Lake City.

Jon: The Olympics are drawing to a close, Hornblower.
Rory: Good riddance.
Jon: You're not having any fun in Utah whatsoever?
Rory: Nope. No fun. No coffee either.
Jon: Well, that's a shame, because Adam and I wanted to send you to the next coupla Olympics too.
Rory: Where are they gonna be held?
Jon: Athens, Greece in 2004, Turin, Italy in 2006, and Beijing, China in 2008.
Rory: Oh brother. Eurotrash and communists. Huzzah!
Jon: Eurotrash, huh? And where do you suppose you're from?
Rory: Not the mainland.
Jon: Ah. That changes everything.
Rory: Shut it.
Jon: What do you have for us today?
Rory: Well, I couldn't leave the Olympics without tackling ladies' figure skating, the marquee event. Nobody gives a fuck about hockey, but as we saw last week, figure skating is money.
Jon: Right.
Rory: What to do though? I was all ready to go out and whack some figure skaters' legs for a piece when impulsively, I stole Bob Costas' press pass and accessed the backstage of the Salt Lake Ice Center, where I got to interview the skater in the spotlight and UCLA Bruin Michelle Kwan.
Jon: Wait. Don't you have a press pass?
Rory: Yes, but this was Bob Costas' press pass! How cool is that?
Jon: Very cool…I guess.
Rory: Roll the footage.


Rory: Michelle! We're now moments away from the ladies' free program. How does it feel going into the event with an edge on your competitors after winning the short program Tuesday night?
Michelle: FINALLY, Michelle has come back…to Salt Lake City!!! The Winter Olympics! 2002! The grandaddy of them all! All shapes! All sizes! All colors! Rory Hornblower, your Olympic hero is very excited because tonight, the gold medal is going around her neck!
Rory: Of course, that's what you also said in 1998. Several other talented ladies seem determined to keep that elusive gold medal outta your hands. What about Russia's Irina Slutskaya, who beat you at the Grand Prix Final in December, the last meeting between you two before the Games? And what about fellow American Sasha Cohen, who stole the show at the U.S. Nationals in January and finished second to you?
Michelle: What?
Rory: Sasha Cohen, your Amer—
Michelle: WHAT?
Michelle: Rory, do you like…pie?
Rory: As a matter of fact, yeah. Haha. I like every kind of pie you can think of. I like strawberry pie, blueberry pie, app—
Michelle: It doesn't matter what type of pie you like!!! 'Cause the only pie that matters, the creme de la creme pie, is standing right in front of you. There can be only one Olympic gold medalist and that will be…Michelle Kwan. Let's just say that Karl Malone has a better shot at winning an NBA championship than Sasha Cohen does at taking the gold. Oh it's true! It's DAMN true! And as far as Irina Slutskaya goes, I'm gonna show her just who the best technical skater truly is, once and for all. Irina Slutskaya! Jon-Benet on skates! Michelle wipes a monkey's ass with what you think! You say you don't owe the people anything. Well, Michelle owes the people something. She owes them whoopin' your candy ass all over the beehive state! Tonight, after Michelle lays the smacketh down on your Russian sequined ass in front of the millions AND MILLIONS of Michelle's fans, the current U.S. national champion and world champion is gonna walk outta the 2002 Winter Olympics the UNDISPUTED ladies' figure skating champion! If you SMELLLLLLLLLL what Michelle is cookin'!!!


Jon: What does Jose see in her?
Rory: His dick.
Jon: …
Rory: Bob Costas, man! I have his press pass! Bob freakin' Costas!
Jon: Yes yes. Aight, we'll check back in with you one last time, Sunday Sunday Sunday. Rory Hornblower at the Olympics, everybody.

research and successful drug policy shows that treatment should be increased

"transmitido en SAP"

Every morning.

Every FUCKIN' morning.

Jon: Can I have eggs, pancakes, potatoes and sausage?
Cafeteria Lady: If you smile…

"If you smile…" The fuck is that bullshit? You're a fuckin' cafeteria lady! Shut the fuck up and give me my fuckin' food, goddammit!

And now this.

Jon: Can I have eggs, pancakes, potatoes and sausage?
Cafeteria Lady: I'm only gonna give you one sausage 'cause you not smiling…

What. The. Fuck.

What if I don't wanna smile? What if I'm not a smiling person? And even if I was, you're in no position to tell me to smile! You work in food service! Your job is to SERVE me!

Gimme my fuckin' sausage, bitch!!!

"If you smile…"

Ugh. You're lucky our society frowns upon domestic violence else I'd have ripped out your intestines to eat by now.

How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog day.

Playwright Peter McGowan finds that his luck has finally run out. He becomes an insomniac (made worse by the neighbor's dog barking all night long), his recent plays bombed, and his relationship with his wife needs work. Slowly, things change for the better.

Like a really funnah Frank Capra movie.

Jon: Let's go live now via cable modem to Salt Lake City.

Rory: …so then I'm all "how bout some sucky fucky?" and she's all [pause] Oh. Are we on? Shit. Hey Jon!
Jon: Hello.
Rory: Uhhh… What's shakin'?
Jon: Look Hornblower, I'm exhausted. Let's just go straight to the piece today.
Rory: Aight. Throughout the years, French, English and the host country's language have been the only languages used in Olympic competition. This year, however, in a nod to the German roots of the Olympic sliding sports luge, bobsled and skeleton, German joined French and English to describe Olympic competition, marking an exception to a once-unbreakable IOC rule.
Jon: Okay.
Rory: In order to get some perspective on this unprecedented move, I spoke with "zee jhurmins" who won the gold medal in the two-man bobsled event this past weekend. Roll the footage.

Das Booty Call

Rory: I'm here at the Utah Olympic Park with the German bobsleigh…sled…sleigher…bobsl…the guys who just won the gold medal in the two-man bobsled event. Congratulations, fellas.
?: Danke.
Rory: What are your names?
?: I'm Christoph.
?: I'm Markus.
Rory: And you want to pump [clap] me up! Haha.
Christoph and Markus: …
Rory: It must feel good to finally win the gold after losing to the Canadians, of all people, at Nagano in 1998 and having to settle for bronze there.
Markus: Yes. I am very happy. I cannot wait to SIEG HEIL!
Rory: Excuse me?
Markus: [cough] I said I cannot wait to SEEE HOWWW mein people respond when we return home.
Rory: Ah. Hey, what do you guys think about the Olympic Committee adding German to the short list of official Olympic languages?
Christoph: I appreciate it, but I do not believe adding German is enough. The Olympics are supposed to unite the countries of the world, and the Committee's stubborn insistence on using fuhrer, er, fewer languages does not do justice to what the Olympic rings represent.
Markus: He's reich, you know…
Christoph: Scheiss! The way I see it, we could do the Olympics a big favor by cleansing the Earth of those who do not speak English, French or German. It would not be difficult, mein fuhrer! Auschwitz their heads!
[long pause]
Rory: I gotta go.


Jon: Rory Hornblower…scared of "zee juhrmins"? Wow.
Rory: Shut it.
Jon: I'm shocked! Haha. Anyway, we'll check back in with you later. I'm about to die of sleep deprivation. Rory Hornblower at the Olympics, everybody.

fuck you puto

"approval rating = 40%"

Super Troopers scooper.

After a string of suspicious events leads them to the brink of a major drug bust, a gaggle of Vermont state cops take on both the nasty smugglers and the budget-hogging local police.

Many hi-larious moments compensate for a weak story. lol.

I have to register for spring quarter classes on Wednesday and I have almost no classes to register for. I completed all my general ed requirements last summer and have basically spent sophomore year masturbating my way through college. I really should declare a major and get access to upper division courses, seeing as how I'm already junior standing. For now though, I only have one class to register for: English 10C (English Literature, 1832 to the Present). I took 10A in the fall and I'm currently in 10B, time to finish off the 10 series' dreaded history of English. It sucks because the English department scheduled the 10C final on June 14, the final day of finals week. I'm-a be getting outta school later than high schoolers. Whoo.

I received an e-mail the other day regarding class registration:

Attention Bruins: be one of the first men to take a new class for men about men. Earn 4 upper division units, and learn things you need to know to survive college and beyond.

Public Health 199
Personal and Interpersonal Development of College Men

This is an innovative undergraduate course that uses multiple disciplinary perspectives in a seminar-based course to answer the following questions:

What challenges do men face?
Who am I and what makes up my identity?
What makes me a man?
What does it mean to be masculine?
How do my beliefs affect my actions?
How can I deal with stress, anxiety and conflict?
What do successful relationships look like?
What are effective communication techniques?
What are the facts about sex and sexuality?

[pause] Yeeeah. Like I wanna spend 10 weeks coming of age. What makes me a man? A penis. A+ for me.

"I have no idea what I want to do with my life."

Whenever I hear somebody say that, I feel sorry for them because they're not like me. I, for one, know exactly what I want to do with my life and have known since I was little. I want to be the most famous person to ever come outta my shitty little hometown of Mountain View, California. Hell, I'll kill people if I have to, but I will not die before the city of Mountain View renames itself after me outta due respect. To facilitate my rise to fame, I have decided to run for the American presidency in 2020 (the first year I will be eligible), pending that I am still alive.

Me? An Asian person? Yee. I realize that Kennedy had enough trouble running for President as a Catholic, but I truly believe that in about 20 years time, America will finally be ready to paint the White House yellow. America will be ready for an inflatable First Lady and a Brit as Vice President. I've even lined up Aaron Sorkin to be my personal speechwriter. I can do it if I just put my mind to it.

Now, you cannot run for the presidency without a platform. Wilson had fourteen points; I have ten. They are as follows:

alcohol, drugs and tobacco
Every fun substance will be legalized with the stipulation that you must take responsibility for your own actions. All alcohol, narcotics, and tobacco will be freely available for anyone of any age to indulge in. HOWEVER, any medical expenses incurred as a result of your indulgence are your responsibility. The government will no longer pay to maintain your health. No court-mandated rehab. No second chances. No suing tobacco companies for ridiculous amounts of money. If your husband overdoses and you cannot afford an ambulance, then he's gonna die.

criminal behavior
The same goes for criminals. Wanna have sex with an underage girl? I have no problem with that. But if she complains, then you're on your own. No more court-ordered lawyers. I'll be damned if the government is gonna pay to defend you in court. If you can give a man the axe, you can take it in the ass.

capital punishment
Prisoners on death row will be shipped to the whatever third world country hates us and handed over as prisoners of war. Nobody objects to capital punishment when it happens across the sea.

The stock market will be shut down because it seems to be the source of all our economic woes. Maria Bartiromo will in turn become my personal assistant.

domestic policy
Fuck you.

foreign policy
Fuuuuuuuuuuck YOU!

Taking a cue from England, firearms will be banned from public use. What about all the Ted Nugents of the world? Well, they can play Counter-Strike or better yet, they can play paintball with a frozen chicken as the prize.

freedom of speech
Religious and political activists will be restricted from preaching in public. There's a fine line between free speech and disturbing the peace. You're going to hell! Hey, it beats going to church. Save the whales! Save the seals! Why not save your breath? Why must we desecrate this land? I'll tell you why. Because we can, that's why. I'm a goddamn human being! I can pay for sex. I can wipe my ass. I AM A HUMAN!

In all fairness, one month of second grade will be set off to allow any organization to impose its religious and/or political agenda on our children in our schools…unrestricted. This special month will be subsequently repeated in seventh grade and junior year of high school. Three chances to win over the future of America in a public venue. If anyone really cares about what you're saying, they'll get in contact with you. Otherwise, shut up.

Illegal immigration will no longer be illegal. If you do immigrate, however, the government will not help you survive. Wanna come to America? Fine. You take care of yourself. Oh and if you object to this particular policy, go pick your own grapes.

and finally…
After years of struggling as a privilege, driving will officially become a right.

There you have it. My platform. I think most Americans just want to be left alone and would rather leave other people alone. So what do you say? Vote for me in 2020!

from this milkless tit you sucked the very business we call show

"not a post, not yet an update"

Super Crossroads.

After eight years apart, three childhood friends rediscover their friendship on a cross-country trip.

Indispensable. Classic. The movie has it all: Mike D's wife as its director, Britney, Britney singing her songs, Britney almost naked, Britney singing her songs almost naked, Britney sucking face, Britney sucking face to one of her songs almost naked, a cameo by former MTV VJ Jesse Camp… What more can you ask for? A Beastie Boys song to end the movie. Well, not technically. But Nikka Costa's "So Have I For You" samples "Car Thief," only the bestest Beastie song ever.

Jon: Hornblower, what are you doing?
Rory: Posting.
Jon: But you didn't even see the movie!
Rory: I saw the MTV special…
Jon: Oh for the love of Christina! Get offa your laptop!

[sigh] Sorry about that, folks. We here at actually give Crossroads a 7. Total cheese, but enjoyable cheese. I don't think I've had this much fun in a movie theater since I saw the full-length Attack of the Clones preview last November. You'll laugh (intentionally and unintentionally). You'll cry (at the fact that unlike the guy on screen, you don't get to pop Britney's cherry). A good time will be had by all.

One more thing. I don't particularly appreciate the movie's representation of male UCLA students. We don't all rape and inadvertently impregnate the best friend of our fiancee in a drunken stupor and then abandon them both for another girl.

Get Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

The story of an "internationally ignored" rock singer and her search for stardom and love. Born a boy Hansel whose life's dream is to find his other half, Hedwig reluctantly submits to a sex change operation in order to marry an American G.I. and get over the Berlin Wall to freedom. The operation is botched, leaving her with the aforementioned "angry inch". Through a collage of songs, flashbacks and animation, Hedwig tells her life story while on a tour of chain strip mall seafood restaurants, trying to capitalize on her celebrity as the supposed ex-lover of famed rock star Tommy Gnosis.

A very good very witty post-punk neo-glam rock musical odyssey NOT for people uncomfortable with homosexuality.

dude, calling soda "pop" is like hella wack

"spoken like a true californian"

Why is a cucumber better than a man?
Fuck you, bitch.

Jon: [yawn] Damn, I'm tired. Oh well. Let's go live now via cable modem to Salt Lake City.

Jon: Hornblower! Long time no see!
Rory: Yee.
Jon: How you been, buddy?
Rory: Good.
Jon: Did you have a good Valentine's Day?
Rory: It was aight. Julie from The Real World and I went over to BYU and fucked on the field of their American football stadium.
Jon: Really?
Rory: NO, dumbass. I sat in my hotel room and watched the Olympics on NBC. No sex for Lent!
Jon: Roight. [pause] So what do you have for us today?
Rory: Well, the skeleton event is back in the Olympics for the first time since the 1948 Games in St. Moritz. In skeleton, racers hurtle down a track at up to 140 KPH lying face first face down on small steel-framed sleds.
Jon: Yes yes.
Rory: I thought it would be funny if we could get an actual skeleton to do skeleton, but unfortunately, nobody here in Salt Lake would let us exhume one of their dead kin.
Jon: …
Rory: Then I thought "wouldn't it be funny if we could get a fat person to do skeleton?"
Jon: A fat person, huh?
Rory: Yeah.
Jon: Oh my.
Rory: Today, I went out with a fat wad of cash (no pun intended) in search of a fat person who would do skeleton. Roll the footage.

Lazy Bones

Rory: Hello.
?: Hi.
Rory: What's your name?
?: Donnell Alexander.
Rory: Hello, Donnell. For $100, will you get on this sled and send yourself flying down an icy track at the Utah Olympic Park?
Donnell: Hell no!
Rory: All righty then. For $10, will you make out with a drinking fountain head?
[Donnell makes out with a drinking fountain head]

Rory: Hello.
?: Hi.
Rory: What's your name?
?: Phillip Campbell.
Rory: Hello, Phillip. I'll give you $100 if you will get on this sled and send yourself flying down an icy track at the Utah Olympic Park.
Phillip: Haha. Are you kidding me?
Rory: No…
Phillip: As tempting as the money may be, only a fool would accept your offer.
Rory: Okay. I'll give you $10 then if you can locate your penis.

Rory: Hello.
?: Hi.
Rory: What's your name, fatso?
?: Come again?
Rory: How's about I give you $100 and you get on this here sled and send yourself flying down an icy track at the Utah Olympic Park?
?: Do you know who you're talking to?
Rory: Uhhh…a 500-pound lipid bastille?
?: I'm Iann Robinson from MTV…[makes devil horns with his left hand]…News!
Rory: Right. Well, I think you're annoying so fuck…[gives Iann the finger]…you!

Rory: Whoa. A fat couple! [runs after the fat couple] HEY! What are your names?
?: I'm Joe Spitkovsky.
?: And I'm Karyn Whibley.
Rory: And together, you are…Voltron! Haha.
[Joe and Karyn give Rory a blank look]
Rory: Wow. A real fat couple. Two fat people in love. Two fat people! Wasn't there a cooking show called that?
Karyn: Actually, the show was called Two Fat Ladies. It aired on the Food Network.
Rory: And you would know. Hey, between you two, who has the bigger set of breasts?
Joe: Uhhh…
Rory: I'm just foolin' with you guys. Haha.
Joe: Heh.
Rory: Joe, Karyn, for $100, will either of you get on this sled and send yourself flying down an icy track at the Utah Olympic Park?
Joe: No, thank you. It's too dangerous. Besides, my fiancee's pregnant.
Rory: You sure about that?
Joe: Yeah. Who in their right mind would do skeleton anyway? It's suicide!
Rory: No no no. I was referring to your fiancee. You sure she's pregnant?
Karyn: YES, I'm pregnant!
Rory: With what? A horse?
Karyn: Okay. You want me to do skeleton? Fine. I'm-a do skeleton.
Joe: Wait, honey…
Karyn: Don't touch me! I will not let some British arsehole make an arse of me!
Joe: But you're pregnant! [sigh] If you insist on showing up the guy, let me do it for you. L-let me do skeleton instead!
Karyn: NO.
Rory: Calm down, miss. Why don't we let a third party decide?
[Rory stops a random passerby]
Rory: Excuse me, sir. Can you help us settle a dispute?
?: Sure.
Rory: What's your name?
?: Pierre.
Rory: Pierre, in your opinion, who should do skeleton – Joe or Karyn?
Pierre: Hmmm… I say Joe.
Rory: Joe it is!
Karyn: This is an outrage!!! He was bribed to pick my husband!
Rory: Who? The French guy? Now why would anyone blindly favor a Russian in a contest over some silly Olympic sport? That's absurd!

?: Hello.
?: Hi.
Rory: What's your name?
?: Jared.
Rory: Jared…like Jared the Subway guy?
Jared: Yeah.
Rory: YOU'RE Jared…the real Jared?
Jared: Yeah!
Rory: Man, you have really let yourself go. What happened to all that sandwich diet bullshit?
Jared: Clay Henry introduced me to this "ab-belt" machine. It's a helluva lot easier than walking down to the local Subway for every meal.
Rory: I see. Jared, let's make a deal. I'll give you $100 and you get on this sled and send yourself flying down an icy track at the Utah Olympic Park. What do you say?
Jared: Aight. I'm game.
Rory: We have a taker! [bell rings] For $100 more, will you skeleton in a yeti costume?
Jared: $100 for wearing a costume? Okee.
Rory: Whoo!
[30 minutes later]
Rory: Congratulations, Jared. You successfully skeletoned down the track in a yeti costume, much to the dismay of…Death. Here's your $200. Now, for $100 on top of that $200, will you be the stone in a game of supersize curling?
Jared: I will, but I dunno where you're gonna find a broom big enough to push me.
Rory: Oh we don't need a broom. We have a zamboni.


Jon: Well, what happened?
Rory: What?
Jon: What happened to Jared in the supersize curling game?
Rory: I don't wanna talk about it.
Jon: Why not?
Rory: [sigh] Tony, roll the footage.

Newscaster: Jared, the once gaunt spokesman for Subway, died today at the Ice Sheet in Ogden following an accident where [checks notes] dressed in a yeti costume, he was [checks notes again] run over by a zamboni. The exact cause of death has yet to be determined, although it might be because he willingly lay down still in front of a moving zamboni.
Witness "Harry Pornblower": He died of a heart attack. His death has nothing to do with the zamboni. I saw him grab his chest right before the zamboni ran over him. It's not like the heart attack was a surprise or anything. Did you ever see him on TV? The "before Subway" (and "post-Subway") Jared made Brando look like Kate Moss!
[long pause]
Jon: Just when I thought you had hit rock bottom in bad taste, you go and do something like this.
Rory: I love you… <3 Jon: Heh. We'll check back in with you later…if you're not in police custody. Rory Hornblower at the Olympics, everybody.

procrastination of islam

"jon a ton"

I have no shame. This weekend, I paid good money to see both Collateral Damage and Rollerball.

Rollerball handling.

The big thing in 2005 is a violent sport which can have some pretty serious consequences…like dying.

Seen worse, but still pretty bad. Imagine if Vince McMahon remade Starlight Express. What were MGM executives thinking?

MGM Executive 1: We need to make money.
MGM Executive 2: How about another James Bond movie?
MGM Executive 1: We're working on it, but we need to make even more money.
MGM Executive 2: Hmmm. I know! Let's debauch a cult classic, get some wrestling personalities and Slipknot to make appearances, and film a fifth of it in grainy night vision! Oh and let's cast cool hip super masculine Chris Klein in the lead role!
MGM Executive 1: Good idea! Kids will love it!

Update: I forgot to add in the Rollerball review that in order to get a PG-13 rating, the producers visibly dubbed over the word "fuck" twice. In fact, the movie release was delayed from last August in order to re-edit what would have been an R movie into a more profitable PG-13 movie. The result, however, is a B movie. Dubbing? How airline-ish. Talk about unprofessional. Nothing like seeing Jean Reno ask "are you fooling with me?" when his lips suggest otherwise.

If you didn't know already, a PG-13 movie can have all the "shit"s in the world but only one "fuck." As a result, producers usually save the one allotted "fuck" for a special scene.

And now, thoughts I had while waiting for the movie to start:

Every Hollywood project about Hispanic people always has Edward James Olmos in it. What's up with that?

Hip-hop artists are the only people who put their own records on their year-end best-of lists.

Somebody should make a counterpart to SmarterChild called DumbassGeezer and program it to carry on intelligent conversation with people.

To all you urban fucksticks who insist on blasting your car stereo so that everybody within a 10-mile radius can hear it: why not opera?

Weathermen have the easiest job in the world. They basically get paid to 1) describe what's going on and 2) guess. Heavy rain outside because…it's really wet…and our computer pictures show the big blue swirly thing not moving so…you can expect rain again tomorrow! At least being a stock market analyst entails some knowledge of economics. You want a forecast? I'll give you a forecast. Sky's gray? It's gonna rain. Bright out? Wear sunscreen. 'Nuf said.

What exactly is meant by the term "flying fuck"? And why are people so averse to giving 'em? Has the mile-high club lost its appeal? Is that it? I'm confused.

When will Warner Bros. pull their head out of their corporate ass and start packaging their DVDs in industry standard plastic cases instead of that awkward cardboard bullshit?

Whenever I hear the name Tara Reid, I picture her on all fours barking like a dog. I don't know why.

Who discovered masturbation? I mean, somebody had to. I imagine some Australopithecus sitting around one day… Goddammit! That useless appendage flared up again. Such a nuisance. [hits appendage with fists] Go…ouch…away! [sigh] Hey, there's some blood on the tip of it. Can't have that. I'll just rub it AHHHHHGGHHSWEETSASSYMOLASSY!!!

You know those speed limit signs that say "regulated by radar"? Where is this radar? Because if it actually exists, it's doing a poor job. Hell, I should know. Oh and I love it when the sign says "speed detected by flying aircraft." Yeeeah.

Jon: Aight. Let's go live now via cable modem to Salt Lake City.

Jon: Hey.
Rory: Yo.
Jon: What's up?
Rory: Nothing.
Jon: Cool.
Rory: Heh.
Jon: Okay, this is degenerating into a bad AIM convo. You want me to put emo lyrics in my profile?
Rory: Sorry. It's the lack of coffee.
Jon: Ah.
Rory: I have a question. Why did they build an outdoor stadium for the Winter Olympics when all the events take place either nearby or indoors?
Jon: I dunno. For the opening and closing ceremonies?
Rory: That's American ingenuity for ya.
Jon: …
Rory: So now then. Each night during the Olympics, a different musical act will perform after athletes receive their medals in the downtown open-air Olympics Medals Plaza. Saturday night, Dave Matthews Band played at the opening of the plaza and before their set, I got to talk to…uh…uh…what's-his-name…
Jon: Dave Matthews?
Rory: Yeah. I talked to Dave Matthews. You know, Dave Matthews is nicknamed Mr. Anus because of his love of toilet jokes.
Jon: Oh? He told you that?
Rory: No, Pop-Up Video did. But I still talked to him! Roll the footage.

Dave Unto the Joy Fantastic

Rory: Hello, Dave.
Dave: Hi.
Rory: How's Utah treatin' ya?
Dave: Good. It's a bit chilly.
Rory: Yee. Why does your bland banal Glen Ballard yuppie stoner jam rock make me wanna Van Gogh my ears and retch all over them in a fit of cacophonic indignation?


[long pause]
Jon: Is this why—
Rory: Yup. Another black eye.
Jon: Well, at least you have matching black eyes now. With a little white makeup, you could be "Rory 2 Dope" to my "Violent J." Haha.
Rory: Shut it, arsehole.
Jon: Anyway, we'll check back in with you later. Rory Hornblower at the Olympics, everybody.

to the clouded town of hellview

"population: 96"

Collateral Damage control.

Arnold's family dies. He gets pissed. Guess what happens next.

Boring. Horrible visual effects. The music video for "Waiting for Tonight" by Jennifer Lopez has a more believable waterfall sequence. Definitely below average, but a few redeeming qualities in its unintentional hilarity. Arnold actually bites off one bad guy's left ear and spits it at the camera. Whoo!

You know what I hear a lot in movies? The line "where is the boy?"

Some movie theaters in Westwood now offer a discounted ticket price for the military. It's $7.50, the same as the student price, but c'mon. The military?

everybody needs a bosom for a pillow

"taxation without representation"

I've decided to take up smoking. Hell, I'll chain smoke if cigarettes relieve stress like people say they do.

Jon: Folks, the 2002 Winter Olympics begin Friday, and we sent Rory Hornblower to cover all the action. Let's go live now via cable modem to Salt Lake City.

Jon: Rory!
Rory: What?
Jon: Are you there?
Rory: What?
Jon: Can you hear me?
Rory: What?
Jon: Do you understand the words that are coming out from my mouth?
Rory: What?
Jon: Okay, this isn't funny.
Rory: What?
Jon: Nodicksayswhat.
Rory: What?
[Jon smiles]
Rory: Fuck. [sigh] I'm tired. That was one long ass plane flight out here.
Jon: Dude, Salt Lake City's not that far from Los Angeles, and you left LAX at noon yesterday.
Rory: Shut it. I don't see you volunteering to spend two weeks of your life in Utah.
Jon: Yes yes.
Rory: Goddamn, I'm tired.
Jon: Well, why don't you get some coffee or something?
Rory: I would, but Mormons don't consume caffeine.
Jon: Oh that's right…and you're in Salt Lake City…
Rory: Yeeeah. It's Latter Day hell. Hitler would be proud. I mean, can this place be any whiter? It's snowy, it's Mormon, and it's hosting the Winter Olympics!
Jon: Hey, don't be racist. Ty hates racists, you know.
Rory: Jon, have you ever seen a black person…
Jon: Of course, I have.
Rory: …luge…
Jon: Um…
Rory: …IN UTAH?
Jon: [pause] No.
Rory: Good answer! Today, the crew and I went out to see just how whitewashed Salt Lake City is. Roll the footage.

Black in Back

Rory: What's your name?
?: Joe Young.
Rory: What do you do for a living?
Joe: I surf and have sex.
Rory: Fair enough. Have you ever seen a black person?
Joe: Can't say that I have.
Rory: Do you like Eminem?
Joe: Yes.
Rory: Figures.

Rory: What's your name?
?: Joe Young.
Rory: Any relation to [points to the previous interviewee] that Joe Young?
Joe: No, he's my neighbor.
Rory: Ah. Joe, have you ever seen a black person?
Joe: I've met Karl Malone.
Rory: Really?
Joe: Nah… I'm just fuckin' wit ya. Never met Karl Malone, but I fuckin' roll with my niggas all da time up in deez here parts, foo!
Rory: Just out of curiousity, are your "niggas" by any chance…white?
Joe: Whatchoo talkin' bout, bitch? Man, you pervin' or some shit.
Rory: Go on your mission.
Joe: Hey! Look at my shirt! It says "Ecko" on it! See the rhino?

Rory: Hello, ladies! Como se llaman?
?: I'm Monica Bega, that's Erica Bega, that's Rita Bega, that's Tina Bega, that's Sandra Bega, that's Mary Bega, and that's Jessica Bega.
Rory: Whoa. Lou's Mormon?
Tina: Well, his publicist made him convert. It's the whole "being a role model to kids" issue. Polygamy is much more family-friendly than playing around. You know what I'm sayin'?
Rory: Yeah, I think y'all have nice titties too. [pause] You ladies must have seen some black people before, right?
[long pause]
Rory: …Right?
The Ladies: [crying in unison] WE'RE BLIND!!!

Rory: What's your name?
?: John Young.
Rory: And who are these little people with you?
John: My two sons, John and John Jr., and my daughter, Johnna.
Rory: Lemme guess. You work as a janitor.
John: How'd you know?
Rory: Call it a hunch. Anyway, have you ever seen a black person?
John: Yup. I saw Mariah Carey sing the national anthem at the Super Bowl last week.
Rory: Mariah doesn't count. She's half.
John: Half?
Rory: Half-white, half-black.
John: [gasp] You can do that?

Rory: What's your name?
?: Ahmad Rashad.
Rory: What do you do for a living?
Ahmad: I'm a reporter for NBC Sports and the host of Real TV.
Rory: Have you ever seen a black person?
Ahmad: …
Rory: I asked you a question!
Ahmad: I think a better question is: have YOU ever seen a black person?
Rory: Pfff! I own six.


Jon: Rory, did you steal that last line from J-Ram's AIM profile?
Rory: Maybe…
Jon: So not only did you use somebody else's comeback line, but you said it to the face of a BLACK MAN. Genius.
Rory: And all I got was this lousy black eye.
Jon: Yee. Aight, we'll check back in with you later. Rory Hornblower at the Olympics, everybody.


"she get it from her momma"

Breaking Hart's War.

A law student who becomes a lieutenant during World War II is captured and later asked to defend a black prisoner of war falsely accused of murder.

Black Hawk Down must have sucked all the action out of this movie for its own use. The trailer promised me action. Where's the action? Instead, we get a two hour cinematic dissertation on honor and race relations. Not brilliant, but enjoyable enough.

the strong, kinda silent type

"i made it out of clay"

If there's one thing you can expect from an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie – aside from him either playing an ex-cop, coming from the future, living in the future, or making excruciatingly bad jokes – it's that at least one catchphrase is guaranteed. While only a select few have entered the lexicon – "I'll be back"; "Hasta la vista, baby" – almost every movie he's ever made has been packed with worthy contenders. Is it in his contract? His new movie, Collateral Damage, is an ostensibly serious topical thriller in which Arnold takes the law into his own hands to bring a terrorist to justice; while it remains to be seen if "You're gonna pay for that" will catch on with anyone at all, we took a look back at Arnold's previous zingers and realized just how interchangeable they are. In fact, not all of what follows is real. This may be a rhetorical question, but: Can you tell the difference?

1. Pumping Iron (1977): Arnold made his film debut in this documentary about the Mr. Olympia competition, in which he discusses the joys of working out and his desire to be as famous as Jesus Christ.
A "It's as satisfying as coming, as having sex with a woman and coming. I am coming day and night."
B "I've thrown up many times working out, but it's all worth it."
C "I have the cleanest urine of anyone."

2. The Terminator (1984): In one of his most famous roles, Arnold is a virtually indestructible robot sent from the future to kill the mother of his yet-to-be-born nemesis.
A "Consider yourself terminated."
B "I'll be back."
C "How's this for an ending?"

3. Commando (1985): Arnold is a retired Army colonel who single-handedly hunts the terrorists who have kidnapped daughter Alyssa Milano.
A "My gun is much, much bigger than yours."
B "Remember when I promised to kill you last? I lied."
C "I am going commando right now!"

4. Twins (1988): Arnold goes for laughs as the twin brother of the very diminutive, out-of-shape Danny DeVito, to whom all these lines are addressed.
A "But you are so small, and I am so big."
B "We both flushed at the same time – before we did it!"
C "I crap bigger than you."

5. The Last Action Hero (1993): Arnold plays both himself and on-screen cop Jack Slater in this action-movie parody in which the movies collide with real life.
A "Does this suck weenie, or what?"
B "I will hit my mark, and then I will hit you."
C "I can't wait for the sequel."

6. Junior (1994): Another comedy with DeVito, in which Arnold becomes pregnant.
A "My nipples are very sensitive."
B "Does my body disgust you?"
C "My body, my choice."

7. Batman & Robin (1995): The quintessential Arnold movie – the entire script consists solely of one-liners. Arnold plays the aptly named villain Mr. Freeze.
A "The Iceman cometh."
B "What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age."
C "Allow me to break the ice."

8. End of Days (1999): Apocalyptic good-versus-evil thriller; Arnold is an alcoholic ex-cop who must save New York City from Satan.
A "The devil made me do it."
B "Between your faith, and my Glock nine-millimeter, I'll take my Glock."
C "This is New York City – we are already in hell."

9. The 6th Day (2000): Arnold discovers he has been cloned against his will and now there are two Arnolds on the loose.
A "I might be back."
B "There has never been anything like what I have become."
C "You cloned the wrong man."

1. A & B
2. B
3. B
4. B
5. A
6. all
7. all
8. B
9. A & C

Thank you, Bowman Hastie.

[source: Spin, December 2000]

hard to come by like a straight guy working at starbucks


Rory: Yes, they do.
Jon: No, they don't.
Rory: Yes, they do!
Jon: No, they don't!
Jon: Rory, chickens do not have nuggets.
Rory: Yes, they do.
Jon: Where, huh? Where are the nuggets on a chicken? Enlighten me.
Rory: Uh…
Jon: You saw the scientist guys molesting that chicken. They didn't find any nuggets. Where are the nuggets? Donde esta los nuggets?
Rory: Well…um…the nuggets…um…the nuggets are the chicken's testicles.
Jon: Deep-fried breaded chicken testicles. Right. Hornblower, not all chickens are male, and even if they were, that's a lot of chickens to be castrating for one twenty-piece meal.
Rory: Shut it. If chickens don't have nuggets, then they probably don't have strips either.
Jon: Oh no no no! The strips are chicken dicks! [pause] Dumbass…
Rory: Aight. Let's ask Jeeves.
[Rory goes to the computer]
Rory: Do. Chickens. Have. Nuggets. Question mark. Enter.
[10 minutes later]
Rory: Okay, this site is no help. "Where can I find previews and/or scouting reports for the NBA team Denver Nuggets?" What the fuck, Jeeves?
Jon: Dude, get over it and come sit down. The game's about to start.
[Rory sits down]
Jon: You want a beer?
Rory: A beer would be peachy keen.
Jon: How about some chips? I made spinach quiches!
Rory: Nah… I'm okay. I got a beer and a bottle of Jergens. I'm set.
Jon: Hold up. Jergens?
Rory: Well, yeah. I'm not gonna let an opportunity like this go to waste.
Jon: An opportunity like [pause] Please tell me you're not gonna jack off to Mariah Carey singing the national anthem.
Rory: Wait no… I thought we were gonna watch playmates factor fear or something.
Jon: That's at halftime.
Rory: How long is it until halftime?
Jon: I'd say about two hours, give or take.
Rory: TWO HOURS? I can't wait that long!
Jon: Yes yes…
Rory: You promised me playmates!
Jon: You'll get your playmates.
Rory: But I can't hold it in any longer!
Jon: Oh don't be a whiny little boy.
Rory: I'm not a boy, not yet a man.
Jon: Look, just chill and enjoy the game. Time flies when you're having fun! Here. Want a quiche?
Rory: If it's not playmates, the hell are we watching then?
Jon: The Super Bowl.
[Rory gives Jon a blank look]
Jon: The National Football League championship game. Rams versus Patriots.
Rory: Football? You mean, like soccer? Because that's not a sport, especially if it involves sheep and militia men.
Jon: Damn, you know less about sports than I do.
Rory: No, Jon, I don't know much about sports, but I know I want to touch myself and a fucking soccer game is in the way!
Jon: American football.
Rory: Whaaa?
Jon: An American football game is in your way. Nobody watches soccer in this country.
Rory: …
[Rory rummages through the junk on the coffee table and picks up a random videotape]
Jon: What are you doing?
Rory: Chitty Chitty Gang Bang. This'll do.
Jon: Rory, what are you doing? It's kickoff time!
[Rory puts tape in VCR]
Rory: Fuck off, jack-off! I'm-a turn off your kickoff to get off and then I'll piss off so you can wank over your bloody American trans-species "football"! DO I MAKE MYSELF MILKY CLEAR?
Jon: [sigh] Clean up after yourself this time, okay?

No glittering review for Glitter.

A young singer, Billie Frank, is discovered by Julian Dice, a charismatic, irresistible "bad boy" DJ who soon becomes her partner, producer and lover. With Dice, Billie begins an exciting but often volatile and precarious journey as she struggles through both her personal and professional life, riding the roller coaster to superstardom.

"Bad Boy" DJ Lover: Come up for five minutes, that's all…
[no response from Billie]
"Bad Boy" DJ Lover: Five minutes!
Billie: …Three.

Oh if only Mystery Science Theater 3000 was still around.

Highlights of the director's commentary on the Glitter DVD:

"Hello, my name is Vondie Curtis-Hall and I'm sorry, America. I really am. From the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry."

"I envisioned the nightclub sequence as a lengthy deep focus single shot with an emphasis on chiaroscuro, you know, interplay between light and dark. Then I realized that nobody was gonna see this movie, so we saved time and just filmed it like a sitcom."

"I spent years at film school for this? It's because I'm black, isn't it?"

"Did she just say 'I don't do this' after having sex? That wasn't in the script. At least, I don't think… Britney better hope Paramount didn't let any ad-libbing slip in her movie."

"In this scene, I wanted Mariah to come off as an intelligent respectable human being, but she insisted on being slutty. In fact, we re-shot this particular scene after initial production because upon viewing the rough cut, she didn't feel she came across slutty enough.

"Now I know why she had that breakdown. She attended the premiere."

"Can you not point the gun so close to my head?"

punxsutawney filibuster

"what would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same and nothing that you did mattered?"

A slacker on Slackers.

When an ambitious nerd with a bad crush discovers three fellow college students cheating the system, he blackmails them into helping him seduce the girl of his desire.

Makes Tomcats look like a Merchant-Ivory picture. Re-adjust the levels of cinematic hell, because Freddy Got Fingered just got bumped up a notch.

if honking my horn doesn't get your attention, i'll stick my fist up your ass like my name was jim henson


Friday's Late Show marks a milestone for David Letterman. It will be 20 years to the day since Letterman made his late night debut, as host of Late Night on NBC. He moved to CBS in 1993. Friday's show will mark Letterman's 3,558th broadcast.

20 years. The prince of late night, second only to Carson (Johnny), pre-taped and almost legal. Yeah, he's not likable, even misanthropic, but without Letterman, there'd be no Conan or Stewart, and as for Leno, well, how can you respect a guy whose entire comedic repertoire consists of pointing out typos in newspapers and mocking public stupidity? Letterman has always been America's reliable anti-host. Over the span of two decades, he's given us top ten lists and stupid human tricks infinito, modeled special suits like the nacho cheese suit, convinced us that Larry "Bud" Melman was a real person, played unsuspecting victim to the now infamous secretly staged fight between Andy Kaufman and Jerry Lawler, sent his mom to the Olympics, asked us if we wanted to buy a monkey, survived Madonna and quadruple-bypass heart surgery, executive produced Everybody Loves Raymond and Ed, publicly challenged Hillary Clinton and George W. Bush, lead the way in humorously dealing with September 11…and he's still here, still concluding our broadcast day, better than ever, and not giving a fuck as only he can do. Here's to you, Dave.

In honor of Letterman's 20th late night anniversary, I've compiled a top ten list of my own. From the home office in Grand Rapids, Michigan, here are the top ten coolest things about Nebraska: