tony fader is my hero

"huzzah"

When I was in high school, it was "cool" to be atheist. People would call themselves "atheist" without the slightest clue as to what atheism entails. I'd hear this a lot: "I'm atheist. I hate organized religion. You suck because you practice [insert organized religion]."

And now this.

According to a fall 2001 freshman survey report released Monday, college freshman liberalism is at its all-time high in 20 years.

The survey, which includes responses from 411,970 entering freshmen from 704 colleges and universities, found that 29.9 percent of college freshmen label themselves "liberal" or "far left" while 20.7 percent of students consider themselves "conservative" or "far right."

[pause]

Now I'm not gonna defend organized religion or conservatism here, but do you think most of these freshmen know what it means to be liberal? It's the "atheism effect" all over again. Just because you don't go to church and hate Republicans does not make you liberal. The Weathermen were liberal; a third of college freshman are not. "Far left," my ass. Last time I checked, there is no Populist Party at my school.

If your idea of social reform is the opening monologue of the movie Trainspotting, then you are hedonist, not liberal. If you have ever used a concession like "I am not racist, but…" or "I have nothing against homosexuality, but…" to justify your actions, then you are tolerant (barely), not liberal.

[pause]

Eh. I'm an English major. What do I know about politics? I know semantics…and I know that my generation should get their adjectives straight before they go around calling themselves "liberal."

Jon: PERRY!
Perry: Whaaa?
Jon: I told you to stay in the dungeon! What are you doing up here using my computer?
Perry: I'm posting.
Jon: Did I say you could post?
Perry: No, but you didn't say I couldn't post as…Yu. Haha. Yu!
Jon: Motherfucker! The hell are you posting?
[Jon reads the post so far]
Jon: Perry, are you trying to ruin me? Do you understand that the bulk of the audience consider themselves liberal?
Perry: Pfff.
Jon: And for your information, I consider myself liberal too.
Perry: Oh I know. I saw the North Korean porn on your computer.
Jon: Get back in the dungeon, you little fuckstick!
Perry: Only if you say the magic word…
Rory: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
[Rory runs into the bathroom and locks the door]
Jon: What happened, Hornblower?
Rory: MY TESTICLES! MY PRECIOUS TESTICLES!
Jon: Are you okay in there?
Rory: Jon, if I scream "my testicles," chances are, I'm not okay.
Jon: Well…what happened?
Rory: …
Jon: Dude, I can't help you if you don't tell me what happened.
Rory: It stings!
Jon: Stop masturbating with soap then.
Rory: Not my dick! My nuts! They sting!
Jon: Wait… Did you get blue balled again making out with that Furby of yours?
Rory: No, I didn't. Ass.
Jon: Then what happened to your nuts, your precious nuts?
[long pause]
Rory: I kinda…I kinda sprayed 'em with…Febreze.
[pause]
Jon: You what?
Rory: I sprayed my balls with Febreze, okay? You know, the fabric deodorizer…
Jon: Yeah, I know what Febre-WHY? Why would you do that?
Rory: They smelled.
Jon: You actually smelled them? Like with your nose?
Rory: I didn't smell them myself, perv. Women told me they smelled.
Jon: And you listened to your mom and your sister?
Rory: Shut up, Mr. Hand's Best Friend.
Jon: You coulda just taken a shower…
Rory: That's what I'm about to do. [sigh] Sheeeeeit.
Jon: Look, if you're so frustrated, I can call up Beyoncé and get her to put the stank back on your nuts.
Rory: Fuck off. Let me take my shower.
Jon: Better yet, I'll get the Swiffer!
According to a Junior Achievement survey about student expectations, three out of four middle- and high-school boys and one out of three girls believe they'll be millionaires by their 40th birthday. Oh my. Such optimism. That's some major inflation we're talkin' about.

Jon: PERRY!

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