"i hope you feel better later on, alex and seth"

I didn't plan on posting today, but I can't sleep. As I sit here typing, six feet away from me, my roommate and his incredibly hot girlfriend wallow in carnality.

The physical act doesn't bother me. They get it on all the time. In fact, I once came back from lunch and was unexpectedly greeted by one of Sarah's "screams of joy." Matt's urge to stick a bodily appendage into female orifices is second to none. Well, maybe Rob.

No, what bothers me is the noise entailed in fornication. Put bluntly, it sounds like Jord sleeping. Police should use an audio recording of Matt and Sarah having sex to drive bad guys out of buildings.

There goes another "scream of joy."

Man, I have class in four hours and they've been at it forever. As if that wasn't enough, they're also plastered and coked up (yes, coked up), further enhancing the waiting experience. It takes me, what, thirty seconds to cum…MAX. What's wrong with them? Why can't they let me rest in peace? Hey Matt, you're not Sting. Let it go already. Sheeit.

I'm-a get some ear plugs and try to sleep. Peace.

Update: Okay, the two of them just fell off his bed and are now humping each other on the floor. I sure hope semen is easy to get out of carpet, and I don't mean pubic hair. Jesus ranch… MY ROOMMATE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE FUCKING ON THE FLOOR OF OUR DORM ROOM! Where do they get off screwing on a floor that I'm half paying for? Don't I have a say on where they can and cannot get off?

Speaking of getting off, you'd think that if porn can excite the average male, then being around it in person must be like…BONER! Not true. What I'm currently sitting next to is nasty, just nasty. Yeah, the girl's hot, but not with my gaunt naked wasted roommate lodged in her vagina! Or is that her ass? I-I can't make it out in the dark. Oh well.

Aight. I'm-a try to sleep again. [sigh] Wish me luck.

Update: Ugh. This is ridiculous. Frustrated, I decided to go sleep in the study lounge a coupla minutes ago, and as I got up to leave, lo and behold, I saw Matt and Sarah in front of the door…still going at it…IN FRONT OF THE DOOR!!! Now, I wouldn't know, seeing as how I'm a 19-year-old virgin who's never even kissed a girl, but can people actually move plane-wise from a point A to a point B during sex? Is that possible? Because Matt and Sarah somehow fucked their way from his bed to the door and trapped me in this 180-square-foot nightmarish rabbit cage. How does that happen? And what does Aphrodite have against me?

Awww, fuck it. Gimme the NyQuil.