"she's vonce, tvice, sree times a lady!!!"
Jon: [cough] Is the mic on? Yes? [sigh] Okay. Here we go. According to the Department of Justice, one out of five American women are victims of rape or sexual assault in their lifetime. 25 percent of women report that they have been assaulted or raped by a current or former partner. Every six minutes there's a rape in this country, and boy, is my dick sore. I'm tellin' ya, every day, house to house, there's no letup. It's a fuckin' hassle.
Jon: In the news, rapper C-Murder, the younger brother of Master P, has been arrested in the shooting death of a 16-year-old at a nightclub in New Orleans. You could say that C-Murder was arrested for A murder. Yeah, C-Murder might B a murderer. Did C-Murder C a murder or did E actually commit murder? Okay, I'll stop. You're really asking for it though if you name yourself "C-Murder."
Rory: It's kinda like that rapper Notorious Big.
Jon: Rory, it's B-I-G, not Big.
Rory: What? Your penis?
Jon: No. Th-The rapper. His name is Notorious B.I.G. You spell out the word "big."
Rory: Oh… That makes much more sense.
Jon: Now sit quietly and let me talk. Folks, we've got a great show for you tonight. From the movie The Count of Monte Cristo, Guy Pearce is here! Leonard Shelby himself. Also, from the Comedy Central show Insomniac, Dave Attell is here! And performing his latest single "Always on Time"…Ja Rule featuring Ashanti! Mr. Rule will have you know that he's not always there when you call, but he's always on time. That's right. Apparently, the Rule book states that when your number's up for a ride on the Ja Wang, tardiness is unacceptable.
Jon: Say "hello" to Jimmy James and the Adam Riff Orchestra.
[music and applause]
Jon: Nothing beats an opening monologue littered with sexual references.
Rory: Yes yes.
Jon: What's up?
Rory: Well, I was thinking.
Jon: You. Thinking. Wow… And what, per say, were you thinking about?
Rory: Well, out of all the animals in the animal kingdom (lions and tigers and bears), can you believe that the entertainment industry made two successful animated cartoon series starring chipmunks?
Jon: Rory, if we're ever together on a plane that has to make a water landing, I'm-a use your head as a flotation device.
Rory: As if you can do better.
Jon: Actually, I can. The WWF Royal Rumble pay-per-view is Sunday. Basically, the main event consists of 30 men battling it out in one ring. What if, however, you applied this "royal rumble" concept to a concert situation? You could use the same setup, put a ring in the center of a venue and have the audience surround it, but instead of 30 wrestlers, 30 musical artists would come out and play. It'd be a "rumble" with no elimination factor or explicit winner so that different artists could interact with each other, there'd be no need for opening acts and headliners, and you could have a different set list every night. I've assembled a beta "royal rumble" line-up to show you the kinda shit I have in mind:
Beastie Boys (King Ad-Rock, MCA, Mike D)
Black Star (Mos Def, Talib Kweli)
Bullfrog (Kid Koala, Mark Robertson, James Sobers, Peter Santiago, Massimo Sansalone, Joanna Peters)
Cibo Matto (Miho Hatori, Yuka Honda)
Dan "the Automator" Nakamura
Del the Funkee Homosapien
Invisibl Skratch Piklz (Mix Master Mike, QBert, Shortkut)
MC Paul Barman
Jon: Imagine the mix-and-match possibilities and cream your pants.
Rory: Dude, you are such a dreamer. You're even worse than J.R. I mean, Afrika Bambaataa and Tenacious D on the same bill…performing in a wrestling ring? What the fuck?
Jon: Hey, it could work.
Rory: Jack Black couldn't even work well with the cast of Saturday Night Live! If Black doesn't go with white guys there, what makes you think he'll go with Afrika fucking Bambaataa of the Zulu Nation?
Jon: I can see it happening. In fact, a good "royal rumble" touring show could easily be staged without a hitch.
Jon: ASS. [pause] We'll be right back with Guy Pearce.