heavens no, hell yeah

"now in limbo"

November 2001:
sisqó/'sis-koh n.
1: diminutive, formerly platinum-haired, thong-celebrating one-hit wonder : SWEETMEAT
2: purportedly popular derogatory euphemism for those suspected of being homosexual. Often attrib Eminem's group, D12, who dodged GLAAD's ire (but could earn Def Jam's) by switching from the "f" word to labeling anyone they feel to be soft a "sisqó." A practice also nebulously attributed to Nas, Ras Kass, and Star and Buc Wild. Sisqó's response marked by a switch of hair color (to gold) and a claim that he prefers women who "enjoy computers and bettering themselves." Hmmm… ~adj: to act in an effeminate or dramatic manner [the way you do those cartwheels is so ~!]

January 14, 2002:
"Thong Song" hitmaker Sisqó was wearing white gloves and sporting a wild orange afro in Hollywood yesterday to do interviews for a Disney comedy show. According to the rapper, he got a rash that was misdiagnosed as eczema. "Now the doctors think it could be the Michael Jackson thing," says Sisqó, referring to Jacko's skin condition, known as vitiligo. "I'm on medication and doing more tests. [The doctors] are pretty certain it's stress related because I've been under a lot of stress lately."

Jon: Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!
Rory: Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every last one of you!

earlier today

Jon: Hey Rory! Smell my keyboard.
Rory: Whaaa?
Jon: Go on. Smell it.
[Rory smells Jon's keyboard]
Rory: Oh fuck…
Jon: Doesn't it smell funky?
Rory: "Funky" doesn't even begin to describe what that smell is. Jesus ranch… Do you wipe your ass with your keyboard?
Jon: No, Hornblower. For your information, I use it to type.
Rory: You and that fuckin' gay arse website.
Jon: What did you call it?
Rory: A website. My fault. I don't think anything hosted by Geoshitties can possibly be called a "website."
Jon: …
Rory: I'm bored.
Jon: Go play video games. The Gamecube's hooked up to the television.
Rory: We have no games for it, you fuckstick. We've had no games for it since you bought the machine last November.
Jon: Oh that's right. Haha. I keep forgetting to buy some.
Rory: Let's go play rollerball.
Jon: Rollerball?
Rory: We have the equipment.
Jon: Yes, but how does one play rollerball?
Rory: I dunno… We'll just make it up as we go, like that movie A.I.
Jon: Eh. I think I'll pass.
Rory: And do what? Work on that piece of shit site? Dude, give your hands a rest.
Jon: Look who's talking.
Rory: Hey, at least I orgasm when my hands go to work. What do you get in return? Five, ten hits? Whoo! Ten whole hits!!! Your almost as popular as Telcobox!
Jon: I hate you.
Rory: Whoa. Never heard that one before. Actually, I recall hearing you say it to your dick in the bathroom.
[silence]
Rory: I KNOW! Let's go rob a bank!
Jon: Yeah! Let's do that! Let's go get ourselves arrested!
Rory: Why you gotta be all cynical like that? I'm tricky. I can do some Thomas Crown shit.
Jon: And I can assemble an eleven-man crew of specialists. [pause] Dumbass…
Rory: Hmmm. You know, you're right. I'm setting my sights way too high.
Jon: Damn straight.
Rory: Let's go rob a Dunkin' Donuts instead!
Jon: A donut shop? How much money can a donut shop possibly have?
Rory: For the donuts! Let's go rob a Dunkin' Donuts FOR THE DONUTS…and maybe a medium decaf latte while we're at it.
Jon: Let me get this straight. You want to rob a Dunkin' Donuts for a bunch of fried goods and coffee?
Rory: Yee.
Jon: Aight. I'm in.
Rory: Excellent. I'm-a go buy some guns and we'll rob away.
Jon: Hold up. Guns?
Rory: Isn't that what robbers usually use?
Jon: I'm not sure, Hornblower. I've never robbed a donut shop before. Besides, there's a five-day waiting period on all gun purchases in California.
Rory: Shit. I guess we'll just have to make do with baseball bats.
Jon: Sweet! I've always wanted to feel like a Los Angeles cop.
Rory: Okay… Synchronize Swatches. It's go time.

minutes later

Jon: Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!
Rory: Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every last one of you!
[Jon quickly puts donuts into a bag]
Rory: Don't forget the maple bars!
[Jon snatches some maple bars]
Rory: Oh and get those pots of coffee too!
[Jon approaches the coffee pots]
Jon: They're hot!
Rory: Well, yeah. We're stealing them. Of course they're gonna be hot.
Jon: No no no! They're emitting heat and I don't want to burn myself again. I already second-degree burned my cock and balls with chicken soup once (true story). No more!
Rory: This isn't McDonald's, shithead! Get the fuckin' coffee!

latez

[Jon and Rory watch television]
Newscaster: Two unidentified men robbed a Dunkin' Donuts in Westwood today, taking everything but the cash register. Literally. Authorities say the duo, baseball bats in tow, made off with three pots of flavored coffee and a bagful of apple fritters, chocolate bear claws, vanilla frosted jelly filled coconut cake donuts, glazed crullers, maple bars, and powdered donut holes. When reached for comment, the franchise manager said, "Dios mio, man! El Chupacabra le gusta rosquillas y café, man!"
Rory: We made the local news. How cool is that?
[no response from Jon]
Rory: Jon?
[still no response from Jon]
Rory: JON?
[Jon gasps for air and coughs madly]
Jon: Sorry. Choked on a pretzel.
Rory: Ah. Hey, what do you say about robbing the Starbucks down the street tomorrow?
Jon: Which one? There are two Starbuckses (sp?) down the street from us a block away from each other.
Rory: Let's rob the one next to the Krispy Kreme.
Jon: Rory, going from robbing a Dunkin' Donuts to robbing a Starbucks is like following up a mass homicide by shooting a cat with a BB gun.
Rory: What do you suggest then?
Jon: The Falafel King.

The advertisement at the bottom returned Sunday with the full blessing of tha King. Weeeee.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.