frontier psychiatrist

"confessions of a kleptomaniac"

J.R. said that my site is his "freaking bible." Eh… After today's post, he might want to reconsider what he said.

I had to do an assignment on "times I broke the rules" for my screenwriting class, and I'd like to share it with the world. I'm not a bad person. Really. I just want to be honest about my sins. Like George W. Bush, I've made mistakes in my life, but I'm proud to tell you that I've learned from those mistakes. Oh and two of them are false. Can you guess which two?

• After taking a shit in a church (don't ask), I washed my hands with holy water.
• At a café in Germany, I asked my friend, "Hey, do you think there are any Nazis around here?" and the whole place froze. Inside voices, Jon! Inside voices…
• During rehearsal for a school musical, this girl Jennifer was dancing and singing and shit and totally not focusing on the task at hand, and I kinda blew up on her in front of the rest of the cast. "STOP IT! STOP THAT FUCKING BRITNEY SPEARS SHIT!!! [sigh and smile] Thank you." She dropped out of the musical the next day.
• I broke my brother's arm and exploited the incident for my benefit in several high school writing projects.
• I had unprotected sex with myself.
• I lied to get out of attending my last grandparent's funeral because it happened to coincide with the day the school paper came out and I really wanted to help distribute the paper.
• I made my vegetarian US History AP teacher eat meat-based dog food baked in a cake with potentially toxic pharmaceutical products.
• I plagiarized on college papers and received "A"s for it.
• I poured Pert Plus into a 7UP can and conned my friend into chugging it down.
• I religiously stole copies of Mad and TV Guide from a local supermarket for about five years.
• I shat in a urinal.
• I smacked a kindergartner in the face with a tape deck recorder because he was being too noisy.
• I smacked a kindergartner on the back with a remote control because he wouldn't stop whining.
• I threw a bag of pennies off the top of a skyscraper.
• I threw a screwdriver at my brother's face and hit him with the pointy side two centimeters away from his left eye.
• I took my brother (then six years old) to the movies and, upon realizing that I didn't have enough money to buy tickets for both of us, bought a ticket for myself and had him wait outside.
• I went to school in blackface.
• I went to school post-September 11 covered in fake blood with a t-shirt on that said "God Bless America."
• My parents told me to watch my brother for the night, so I handcuffed him, locked him in a closet, and went to the movies.
• On the PSAT, I bubbled in my nationality as "African-American" and ended up winning a scholarship.
• When I visited China, I flipped off the cops in Tienanmen Square.
• I was kicked out of high school five days before graduation on charges of sexual harassment and terrorism after publishing allegedly libelous comments under my name in the school paper and, as a result, pissing off a good majority of the faculty, many of whom still hate me to this day.

I need help.

Allegria 1 3: you seem to enjoy making people think you're completely amoral

8
the cabinet of dr. caligari
re: at a fair, dr. caligari exhibits cesare, a somnambulist who can predict the future. when a man asks how long he has to live, cesare says he has until dawn. the prophecy comes true, as alan is murdered, and cesare is a prime suspect
jon says: finally, a movie featuring a somnambulist! it's about damn time! haha. if tim burton made a b-movie in 1920, dr. caligari would be it
rory says: dude, i'm not in your german film history class! the fuck do i know about some gay arse squid m.d. movie?

7
nosferatu: a symphony of horror
re: count orlok expresses interest in a new residence and real estate agent hutter's wife
jon says: campy fun, as campy and fun as a silent movie made 80 years ago can possibly be. i kinda wanna see shadow of the vampire now, that movie about the filming of this particular nosferatu
rory says: you never see any vampires with aids. what's up with that?

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