"approval rating = 35%"
Ocean had eleven. Frodo had nine. I have…mono.
Ladies and gentlemen, E/N is dead. Behold…the next evolution in internet entertainment – F/O! Fuck. Off. No expectations, no organization, just whatever the fuck I feel like posting when I post, and right now, I feel like posting this:
I'm the Tolkien black guy.
I'm just supposed to grunt and say things like "find the halfling."
Since 1983, the Adam Riff Media Empire has been committed to excellence, and we're spending all our free time working to make this website fully ADD-compliant. I'll be at the Black Hawk Down Producers Guild screening in Westwood on Sunday and the Lovage (Dan "the Automator," Kid Koala) show at the House of Blues Sunset on Monday and I have school on Tuesday, but believe me, I'm spending the rest of my free time working on the site.
Howard: Stop trying to make this phony fucking utopia through your tyrannical duck-speak control freak motherfucking asswipe control bureaucrat-in-training style!
Jon: I don't understand all these people who gather in Times Square every December 31 to watch this ball drop. How is watching a ball drop for 10 seconds fun? And the ball doesn't even drop that fast! The ball drops like old people fuck – slow and sloppy. Wanna see a ball really drop? Kick me in the nuts. Honestly, standing outside in the bitter cold all day long behind barricades waiting for 10 uneventful seconds that you can watch on television with a better view isn't my idea of fun.
Jon: I hate young people who complain about not having plans for New Year's Eve. So what? It's one secular day. If you absolutely must get piss drunk, party like fuck, and ball two women while high all in one night, there's something we have here at school called "Thursday."
[laughter and applause]
Jon: Folks, we've got a great show for you tonight. From the movie The Royal Tenenbaums, Bill Murray is here. Bill Murray! Also, from the movies (note the plural) The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring and Black Hawk Down, Orlando Bloom is here. And performing their latest single "Nice to Know You"…Incubus! Now say "hello" to Jimmy James and the Adam Riff Orchestra.
[music and applause]
Jon: Hello, Mr. Hornblower.
Jon: How was your vacation?
Jon: Did you get any cool holiday presents?
Rory: I was circumcised.
Jon: Oh. That's a cool present…I guess. You could say that your present unwrapped itself for you. Haha.
Rory: Yee. That's not all though.
Rory: After I had my foreskin removed, I got it pierced.
Jon: Your dick?
Rory: No, the foreskin.
Jon: Hold up. You got your foreskin pierced AFTER it was removed from your penis?
Rory: Yah. I got a big black plug put in it.
Jon: What are you gonna do with foreskin that has a plug in it?
Rory: I attached it to some string and made a necklace. Wanna see?
Jon: NO! No… Keep-keep your foreskin to yourself…around your neck.
Rory: [to his foreskin] It's mine. My own. My precious…
Jon: Yes yes. Let's talk about my vacation.
Rory: Okie. How was your vacation, Jon?
Jon: Hella good. Haha. I had a car. [looks at camera] Attention certain women: transporting children is not a license to drive slowly. [pause] So now then. On my first day back in Mountain View, my mom woke me up at 7:00 a.m. to go see a chiropractor. Not only did I have to take my clothes off in front of my mom, tired and bleary-eyed on a Saturday morning, I also found out that my body is stiff in all the wrong places. Fast forward to Friday at the airport, where I was singled out in the boarding line to be searched and forced to take off my belt, jacket, and shoes. ME! Uncool dork loser Jon!
Rory: Wow. Hey, what's your going rate?
Jon: My…going rate?
Rory: For stripping, you hot sexy man-beast you!
Jon: Shut it.
Rory: What about holiday presents? What'd you get?
Jon: Nothing much. I got this book of "horrible, horrible cartoons" and boy, these cartoons are pretty horrible. That is, if you're easily offended.
Rory: Try me.
Jon: All righty… There's a picture of a man talking to his wife who's holding their newborn baby and the caption reads, "Let's name him 'Faggot.'"
Jon: Yeah. In addition, I got a copy of Paul's Boutique by the Beastie Boys. Why didn't anybody ever tell me about this record?
Rory: Oh stop sucking WankerCounty dick!
Jon: Dude, this has nothing to do with them! I don't enjoy everything the Beasties record. Personally, I think Ill Communication is a horrible record for the most part. However, me gusta mucho PB and its pastiche sound, regardless of whether some white kids in Michigan, Arizona, and/or Massachusetts agree with me or not.
Rory: Blah blah blah. In other news, did you see The Lord of the Rings?
Jon: Four times, in fact.
Rory: FOUR TIMES?
Jon: To quote Fred Durst, J.R.'s (Jord) mouth wrote a check that his ass couldn't cash.
Jon: You like the colloquialism? I-I can use more if you want.
Rory: Nah. I just got the cartoon. They wanna name their kid "Faggot"! Hahahahaha! Oh man… I'm going to hell…
Jon: I'd point out that we live in Los Angeles, but mmmkay. Back to what I was saying, J.R. challenged me to see who could watch The Fellowship of the Ring the most times in a movie theater. He was all talking shit about how he was gonna spend a whole day in a theater and watch LOTR five times in a row. Bull-SHIT! It's currently 4-2 in my favor, and I'm not about to let him win.
Jon: Four times – once on opening day, twice on the following Friday, and once on New Year's Day. All this on top of seeing The Royal Tenenbaums four times as well. Can you dig it, sucka?
Rory: You must seriously have no friends.
Jon: No, I have one. Well, I HAD one while waiting in line for my sophomore screening of LOTR.
Rory: Let's see…zero plus one minus one equals…uhhh…ZERO.
Jon: Look, you start slow and work your way up. Anyway, my "buddy" and I had a weird conversation. I remember it like it was just yesterday…
Temporary Friend: Have you seen the movie yet?
Temporary Friend: Excellent. How big is the Balrog?
Jon: The what?
Temporary Friend: The fire monster in the mines. How big is he?
Jon: How big? Uhhh…I dunno… He's big though.
Temporary Friend: Can you give me an estimate?
Jon: He's…800 feet tall?
Temporary Friend: Oh great! See, this is exactly what I was worried about. This just ruins the whole movie for me. The Balrog's only supposed to be eight times the height of a human being, and they made him a giant! Great… Can you imagine an 800-foot tall person walking around in the parking lot outside? It's ridiculous!
[end flashback sequence]
Rory: Much like your social life.
Jon: Eat chode, Hornblower. We'll be right back with Bill Murray.