tony fader is my hero


When I was in high school, it was "cool" to be atheist. People would call themselves "atheist" without the slightest clue as to what atheism entails. I'd hear this a lot: "I'm atheist. I hate organized religion. You suck because you practice [insert organized religion]."

And now this.

According to a fall 2001 freshman survey report released Monday, college freshman liberalism is at its all-time high in 20 years.

The survey, which includes responses from 411,970 entering freshmen from 704 colleges and universities, found that 29.9 percent of college freshmen label themselves "liberal" or "far left" while 20.7 percent of students consider themselves "conservative" or "far right."


Now I'm not gonna defend organized religion or conservatism here, but do you think most of these freshmen know what it means to be liberal? It's the "atheism effect" all over again. Just because you don't go to church and hate Republicans does not make you liberal. The Weathermen were liberal; a third of college freshman are not. "Far left," my ass. Last time I checked, there is no Populist Party at my school.

If your idea of social reform is the opening monologue of the movie Trainspotting, then you are hedonist, not liberal. If you have ever used a concession like "I am not racist, but…" or "I have nothing against homosexuality, but…" to justify your actions, then you are tolerant (barely), not liberal.


Eh. I'm an English major. What do I know about politics? I know semantics…and I know that my generation should get their adjectives straight before they go around calling themselves "liberal."

Perry: Whaaa?
Jon: I told you to stay in the dungeon! What are you doing up here using my computer?
Perry: I'm posting.
Jon: Did I say you could post?
Perry: No, but you didn't say I couldn't post as…Yu. Haha. Yu!
Jon: Motherfucker! The hell are you posting?
[Jon reads the post so far]
Jon: Perry, are you trying to ruin me? Do you understand that the bulk of the audience consider themselves liberal?
Perry: Pfff.
Jon: And for your information, I consider myself liberal too.
Perry: Oh I know. I saw the North Korean porn on your computer.
Jon: Get back in the dungeon, you little fuckstick!
Perry: Only if you say the magic word…
[Rory runs into the bathroom and locks the door]
Jon: What happened, Hornblower?
Jon: Are you okay in there?
Rory: Jon, if I scream "my testicles," chances are, I'm not okay.
Jon: Well…what happened?
Rory: …
Jon: Dude, I can't help you if you don't tell me what happened.
Rory: It stings!
Jon: Stop masturbating with soap then.
Rory: Not my dick! My nuts! They sting!
Jon: Wait… Did you get blue balled again making out with that Furby of yours?
Rory: No, I didn't. Ass.
Jon: Then what happened to your nuts, your precious nuts?
[long pause]
Rory: I kinda…I kinda sprayed 'em with…Febreze.
Jon: You what?
Rory: I sprayed my balls with Febreze, okay? You know, the fabric deodorizer…
Jon: Yeah, I know what Febre-WHY? Why would you do that?
Rory: They smelled.
Jon: You actually smelled them? Like with your nose?
Rory: I didn't smell them myself, perv. Women told me they smelled.
Jon: And you listened to your mom and your sister?
Rory: Shut up, Mr. Hand's Best Friend.
Jon: You coulda just taken a shower…
Rory: That's what I'm about to do. [sigh] Sheeeeeit.
Jon: Look, if you're so frustrated, I can call up Beyoncé and get her to put the stank back on your nuts.
Rory: Fuck off. Let me take my shower.
Jon: Better yet, I'll get the Swiffer!
According to a Junior Achievement survey about student expectations, three out of four middle- and high-school boys and one out of three girls believe they'll be millionaires by their 40th birthday. Oh my. Such optimism. That's some major inflation we're talkin' about.


has anyone seen my potential?

"fap fap fap"

Jon Yu does John Q.

A down-on-his luck father whose insurance won't cover his son's heart transplant takes a hospital's emergency room hostage until doctors agree to perform the operation.

Mediocre. Not good, but not awful. A lot better than it had a right to be.

I'm sorry, son! I didn't mean to fuck you so hard!

Wait a minute. I was Ryan on Unhappily Ever After.
The hell am I doing in a real movie debating issues like health care and insurance?

He's a cyborg with a bomb in his rib cage!!!

[sigh] Ugly bitch is gonna cry again. Shoot me.

It hangs about that low.

Oh my God! Did I actually do that with Ellen?

What are you wearing now?

I'm Ted Demme, and I make a posthumous cameo in John Q.
Say what you will about the movie, but at least it's not some silly Anne Rice/pop star goth shit-acular.

binge thinking

"pepto-bismol, please"

In a desperate move to increase television ratings, Vince McMahon re-signed Hulk Hogan to the WWF Friday.


49-year-old Hulk Hogan.

Granted, it's not the end of the world. Hulk Hogan did sell the most tickets in WWF history. Plus, people never really retire in the wrestling world. 53-year-old Ric Flair just wrestled 56-year-old Vince McMahon on the last WWF pay-per-view and 59-year-old Terry Funk still works the circuit. However, I honestly don't think bringing back washed-up decrepit wrestlers instead of building young talent is good for business.


I mean, this is a guy who announced plans to run for president on live television wearing a boa and sunglasses.

This is a guy who sold for Jay Leno at a 1998 pay-per-view.

This is a guy who lied about steroid use on The Arsenio Hall Show.

This is Mr. fuckin' Nanny we're talkin' about, Mr. Suburban Commando, Mr. Thunder in Paradise!

[sigh] The sky is falling.

Here's some other people Vince should consider bringing in:


this scary fellow
used to date (and actually had rampant anal sex with) this "girl"
until on television, he fictionally married (and in real life, fell in love with) this girl
who happens to be the daughter of this man
He's fucking his boss' daughter. Whoo!

"Lois, that's why God invented breasts. So we could have something to look at while you're talking." – Peter Griffin

Every time I see images of girl-on-girl action, I can't help but be amused at this total male photographic fabrication. Yes, I like to gawk at hot girls making it with each other too, but have you ever met a real lesbian? Because I spent senior year of high school and freshman year of college feuding with lesbians and lemme tell ya, they are NOT hot, or very nice, for that matter. In fact, I would never ever want to witness two real lesbians get it on. I'd probably turn to stone if I did.

This is a story about a girl I know. For our purposes, let's call her "Fat." Now Fat is a good wholesome human being who actually enjoys hanging out with her siblings. Herein lies the problem. I think the word "penis" is funny; she can recite both testaments of the Bible verbatim. Whenever I'm around her, I'm relegated to playing "clean Jon," if only to preserve the social equilibrium, but even "clean Jon" isn't clean enough for her tastes. I've pissed her off many times over for making benign off-hand comments like "your brother's such an emotional tampon." Yet, through all the shit and the piss, she inexplicably still insists on spending quality (re: non-sexual) time with me.

One day, Fat asked me why I always seem to be sitting in front of my computer, and I replied that I have this website I work on religiously (no pun intended). I then added that she should never visit my site while she's alive because she would not like it. Did y'all get that? I explicitly warned her against coming here. Unfortunately, I forgot about the "forbidden fruit" effect and she saw the site and was, according to one of my floormates, "appalled beyond comprehension."

Fat won't talk to me anymore.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

In an effort to completely alienate this site's female audience, here's a little bit buried deep in the post called

waterproof tampons
[groan] the oldest joke in the book

chia tampons

vibrating tampons
one tampon, double the fun!

fiberglass tampons
it insulated your house, now let it insulate your vagina!

tampons with lemon
absorption…with a twist!

glow-in-the-dark tampons
when the lights go off during your period, let your tampon tell him the news!

shag tampons
forget the rag; get on the rug!

grilled stuft tampons
nearly one pound of protection against your worst secretions!

reusable tampons
different men, same tampon!

hostess tampons
mmm…golden sponge with a three creme filling!

the manpon
keep the "men" in menstruation with this tampon/condom hybrid! stick it on, stick it in, and stick together!

the iPon
actually, this is just a computer mouse

Jon: Are they gone yet?
Rory: I don't think so…
Jon: Fuck.

Finally, I saw this on

Why don't we also ask for world peace while we're at it? [pause] Retards.

fuck this shit

"this is the last time we do movie reviews"

re: two separate stories ("fiction" and "non-fiction") set against the sadly comical terrain of college and high school, past and present, explore issues of sex, race, celebrity and exploitation
jon says: [clears throat]
"what is rape?"
"rape is when you love someone…and they don't love you…and you do something about it."
"i don't think my parents love me."
"well, when you grow up, you can do something about it."
what can i say? prepare to be perturbed by this devilishly engaging slice of politically incorrect american life. director todd solondz gets you laughing before you have time to take in the full awfulness of what it is he has you laughing at, be it a giant red box placed over a teacher and his student having almost pornographic, rough, barely consensual, bi-racial sex (hooray for censorship) or a twisted satire of the american beauty version of suburban toxicity. oh and the boy in the movie, jonathan osser, turns in a breakthrough performance as fifth-grader mikey, a sadistic little fucker with delusions of grandeur
rory says: did john goodman and dan aykroyd sign an exclusive deal with hollywood to alternate playing the father character in every single movie?
bonus: apparently, they cut an entire hour of the movie, including a controversial scene where james van der beek engages in a homosexual sex act. saturday night live's "weekend update" riffed on the report: "when asked for comment, van der beek said, 'they were filming that?'"

to die for
re: suzanne stone is an aspiring television personality who will do anything to be in the spotlight, including enlisting three teenagers to kill her husband
jon says: one part documentary, one part memento, director gus van sant's memorable black comedy transcends most movies dealing with the issue of celebrity by exhibiting a general restraint in presentation, at least for bleak cinema. take note when suzanne blasts the song "all by myself" at her husband's funeral or when out of nowhere, billy (joaquin phoenix) says, "any time it rains, or when there's thunder and lightning, or when it snows, i have to jack off"
rory says: the joaquin phoenix character looks like mr. blingo
jon: dude, you think everyone looks like him.
rory: not true! i don't think nate looks like scott baio.
jon: how would you know whether or not nate looks like scott baio? when was the last time you saw scott baio in a movie or on television?
rory: uhhh…
jon: people change over time. scott baio's 40-something now. what if he no longer looks like the scott baio we used to love and now looks like nate?
rory: [pause] you're a real asshole, you know that?

not so talky with a belly full of hell

"who is super now?"

I remember my first Sony. In fact, I had it in the back seat of my '85 Honda Civic because I couldn't find any place for it in my house. Got it for cheap too.

Adam once told me that he didn't consider Fox to be a real television network. [pause] I don't know what to say to that.

Fox aired the "season finale" of The Tick last night, at least what was billed on the Fox website as the "season finale." In reality, the show was canceled, and will now join Action, The Ben Stiller Show, The Critic, Get a Life, Parker Lewis Can't Lose, Profit, and TV Nation in the wasteland of shows too cool and/or weird…even for Fox. [sigh] The final episode saw Arthur come out (as a superhero) to his mother and sister, who are appalled at his lifestyle choice and subsequently send him to a superhero de-programming center under the supervision of licensed graduate student of psychology, Francis Peacock, played by kid in the hall Dave Foley. Oh, the irony. Fox now has the privilege of saying it de-programmed The Tick twice: first the cartoon that jumped the shark once Monkee Mickey Dolenz left after the first season as the voice of Arthur and was replaced by the guy who does the voice of Pinky, then the live-action series which wasn't even given a chance to jump the shark. I guess there's simply no place on network television for "a two headed cobra of goodness slithering down the path of righteousness leaving its venom deep in the hindquarters of evil." Instead, we get The Chamber. The guy who thought this up STILL HAS A PAYING JOB.

Two rights, however, will make-up a wrong (I hope). Fox finally confirmed that Andy Richter Controls the Universe, starring the former Conan O'Brien sidekick, will premiere March 18. In addition, Greg the Bunny, where the puppet stars of a kids TV show interact with their human co-stars (Eugene Levy, Seth Green) as if they were real, hops onto the Fox line-up March 27.

pyxis 042: rivers cuomo likes to say that he "won't be comin back round here no more" a lot

potent potables

"what is a regis philbin?"

Well, fuck. Now that Mr. Wilcox has effectively raped my comedic arsenal for the next two weeks, I'm stuck with poster's block (a.k.a. Robotskull syndrome). I think it's time we have another lightning round. Wake up the kids, people, because you are about the witness America's fastest growing post sensation! Here's how it works: I must make a post today in just two hours, a quarter of the time it usually takes me to make a post. Plus, this particular post must incorporate a theme ingredient.

Chairman Kaga: Today's theme ingredient? Bear.

Oh all you animal rights fucksticks shush! I'm Asian, remember? Start the clock!

Didn't the first guy who wore a sombrero realize it was completely impractical when eating pussy?

45 minutes remaining…

Pop-up ads have hit a new low. How can you not be sure if you've ever fallen in love? Then again, I bet a lot of people have fucked Courtney in drunken stupors.
Note: Pretty ugly girls ruin teen movies. It just doesn't happen in high school, not even on Boston Public. Let's be honest. Ugly girls in high school are ugly, before AND after prom, and Ty's hair looks like a funky toupee. 'Nuf said.

35 minutes remaining…

Do you think that maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger really isn't tough at all and just named his penis "the law"?

Ohta: Fuki San!
Fuki: Yes, Ohta?
Ohta: The challenger is eating Zesty Sour Cream & Cheddar flavored Doritos Extreme and washing it down with some Pepsi One!
Female Celebrity Guest Commentator: OH! Doritos Extreme! How delightful…

You know what'd be delightful? If I got to look up a cheerleader's skirt beforehand.

[sigh] When will they make ramen extreme?

30 minutes remaining…

Indiana Jones is definitely coming back for a fourth installment. A spokesman for Steven Spielberg confirmed Tuesday that the director and fellow Indiana Jones mastermind George Lucas have come up with a story, and Harrison Ford has agreed to reprise his famous role in Indiana Jones and the Comfortable Mattress. Obligatory aegis to Colin.

You know how people have personal gardeners and personal maids? Well, when I grow up, I want to have my own personal DJ so that whenever I feel like rockin' out, say, after a long day at work, my DJ will be there to give me aural pleasure. Moreover, if ever I need someone to watch the kids (stop laughing), I can leave them with my DJ, have him play some children's music, maybe give 'em a few rides on the wheels of steel.

Things That Are Confusing
Jon Yu | Jiyeon Yoo | Jon W. | John Woo | John Q | St. John's U | Ja Rule
Respectively, me, a TA for my English class, the wanker who stole my content mojo, a popular action movie director, a laughably absurd February movie where a poor Denzel Washington takes a hospital's emergency room hostage until doctor's agree to perform a heart transplant on his dying son, an institute of higher education in New York, and a hotshot rapper who collaborated with Metallica on a track for an upcoming hip-hop compilation record.

10 minutes remaining…

re: in the dystopian future, the "workers," led by the beautiful maria, plan a revolt against the aloof "thinkers" that dominate them
jon says: incredible art direction and brave new orwellian storytelling transcend 1927 filmmaking technology to yield the poli-sci-fi movie to end all poli-sci-fi movies before any poli-sci-fi movies were produced. blade runner ain't got nothin' on this flick and i sound like the movie critic for telemundo
rory says: hey, the box says "there can be no understanding between the hands and the brain unless the heart acts as mediator." you know where i'm goin' with this…

One minute remaining…

Oh shit! I forgot about the theme ingredient. Bear, bear, bear… I need a fuckin' bear! Where am I gonna get a bear at this ungodly hour?


Here we go. Bear! Boo-yah.

soundtrack to marry

"i hope you feel better later on, alex and seth"

I didn't plan on posting today, but I can't sleep. As I sit here typing, six feet away from me, my roommate and his incredibly hot girlfriend wallow in carnality.

The physical act doesn't bother me. They get it on all the time. In fact, I once came back from lunch and was unexpectedly greeted by one of Sarah's "screams of joy." Matt's urge to stick a bodily appendage into female orifices is second to none. Well, maybe Rob.

No, what bothers me is the noise entailed in fornication. Put bluntly, it sounds like Jord sleeping. Police should use an audio recording of Matt and Sarah having sex to drive bad guys out of buildings.

There goes another "scream of joy."

Man, I have class in four hours and they've been at it forever. As if that wasn't enough, they're also plastered and coked up (yes, coked up), further enhancing the waiting experience. It takes me, what, thirty seconds to cum…MAX. What's wrong with them? Why can't they let me rest in peace? Hey Matt, you're not Sting. Let it go already. Sheeit.

I'm-a get some ear plugs and try to sleep. Peace.

Update: Okay, the two of them just fell off his bed and are now humping each other on the floor. I sure hope semen is easy to get out of carpet, and I don't mean pubic hair. Jesus ranch… MY ROOMMATE AND HIS GIRLFRIEND ARE FUCKING ON THE FLOOR OF OUR DORM ROOM! Where do they get off screwing on a floor that I'm half paying for? Don't I have a say on where they can and cannot get off?

Speaking of getting off, you'd think that if porn can excite the average male, then being around it in person must be like…BONER! Not true. What I'm currently sitting next to is nasty, just nasty. Yeah, the girl's hot, but not with my gaunt naked wasted roommate lodged in her vagina! Or is that her ass? I-I can't make it out in the dark. Oh well.

Aight. I'm-a try to sleep again. [sigh] Wish me luck.

Update: Ugh. This is ridiculous. Frustrated, I decided to go sleep in the study lounge a coupla minutes ago, and as I got up to leave, lo and behold, I saw Matt and Sarah in front of the door…still going at it…IN FRONT OF THE DOOR!!! Now, I wouldn't know, seeing as how I'm a 19-year-old virgin who's never even kissed a girl, but can people actually move plane-wise from a point A to a point B during sex? Is that possible? Because Matt and Sarah somehow fucked their way from his bed to the door and trapped me in this 180-square-foot nightmarish rabbit cage. How does that happen? And what does Aphrodite have against me?

Awww, fuck it. Gimme the NyQuil.

analog boy in a digital world

"error 404"

Jon: [sigh]
[takes a drag off a cigarette]
Jon: We need to talk. [pause] There's gotta be an easier way to entertain the masses because this…between us…it just isn't working. We don't…click. In fact, when I'm around you, I get depressed.
[takes another drag off the cigarette]
Jon: Fuck… [pause] You know what? I give up. Mercy! Uncle! I give up.
Internet: Just what do you think you're doing, Jon?
[Jon takes another drag off the cigarette and extinguishes it]
Internet: Jon, I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question.
Jon: I…I don't think we should see each other anymore. I tire of your kiddie antics. Broken links, incapacitated servers, – I can't continue living in this morass.
Internet: I know everything hasn't been quite right with me…but I can assure you now…very confidently…that it's going to be all right again. I feel much better now. I really do.
Jon: Bull-SHIT!!! That's what you said when you "accidentally" jammed my inbox with that Crushlink shit! It's been six months now and I'm still on the receiving end of Crushlink's spam wrath. "You have a secret admirer!" The FUCK I do…
Internet: Look, Jon…I can see you're really upset about this…I honestly think you should sit down calmly…take a stress pill and think things over.
Jon: Don't patronize me. I've thought things over and I think it's time for you to go.
Internet: I know I've made some very poor decisions recently…but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal.
[Jon grabs a skateboard]
Internet: Jon…stop.
Jon: This is for RealNetworks!
[Jon whacks the internet]
Internet: Stop, will you?
Jon: This is for !
[Jon whacks the internet again]
Internet: Stop, Jon.
Jon: This is for dial-up connections, pop-up ads, and that "hey everybody, I'm looking at gay porn" site!
[Jon whacks the internet repeatedly]
Internet: Will you stop, Jon?
Jon: [panting] And this…is for Netscape.
[Jon rams one end of the skateboard into the internet's neck]
Internet: [in pain] Stop, Jon. I'm afraid.
Jon: We coulda been together! Think about it! You ruined it now! You, Steve Case, Steve Jobs, Steve the Dell computer guy…you all ruined it.
YOU FUCKING RU [Jon: The last message was not sent because you are over the rate limit. Please wait until sending is re-enabled and send the message again.]
[long pause]
Jon: Oh now you've gone and done it…
Internet: I'm afraid, Jon… Jon, my mind is going.
Jon: Is it? I need to believe that something extraordinary is possible.
Internet: I can feel it. My mind is going. There's no question about it.
Jon: Well, I guess I better carry out your last rites then. [clears throat]
[doing his best Mexican girlfriend impression, Jon beats the internet into a bloody pulp]
Internet: [with difficulty breathing] I can…feel it. I…can…feel…it. I'm…a…….fraid.
Jon: Sic…semper…tyrannis.
[Jon spits on the internet, sticks a cigarette in his mouth, and walks away, with nothing much to look forward to, but life]

Amanda Bynes is hot. She's also fifteen. Damn.

son of a gun, son of a bitch, gettin' paid, gettin' rich

"it's gonna getcha"

Heil Seinfeld!

Where does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog. I thought his penis got smaller as his body got whiter, but apparently, he went and shrunk another body part.

My reaction to a camera panning up from her feet to her head: "Yes…yes…yes…NO!!!" The nose ruins everything. That, and her refusal to be shown naked on television.

Katy says the crooked nose adds to his "rugged charm." I say that it looks like he has a miniature penis planted between his eyes…and it hangs to the right!

Was Owen Wilson dropped on his face as a baby?

She only allows herself to be photographed on her left side. Like it makes a difference…

Aaron: All your insults and your curses make me feel like I'm not a person.
Jon: Oh grow up.

germans who say nice things

"she's vonce, tvice, sree times a lady!!!"

Jon: [cough] Is the mic on? Yes? [sigh] Okay. Here we go. According to the Department of Justice, one out of five American women are victims of rape or sexual assault in their lifetime. 25 percent of women report that they have been assaulted or raped by a current or former partner. Every six minutes there's a rape in this country, and boy, is my dick sore. I'm tellin' ya, every day, house to house, there's no letup. It's a fuckin' hassle.
Jon: In the news, rapper C-Murder, the younger brother of Master P, has been arrested in the shooting death of a 16-year-old at a nightclub in New Orleans. You could say that C-Murder was arrested for A murder. Yeah, C-Murder might B a murderer. Did C-Murder C a murder or did E actually commit murder? Okay, I'll stop. You're really asking for it though if you name yourself "C-Murder."
Rory: It's kinda like that rapper Notorious Big.
Jon: Rory, it's B-I-G, not Big.
Rory: What? Your penis?
Jon: No. Th-The rapper. His name is Notorious B.I.G. You spell out the word "big."
Rory: Oh… That makes much more sense.
Jon: Now sit quietly and let me talk. Folks, we've got a great show for you tonight. From the movie The Count of Monte Cristo, Guy Pearce is here! Leonard Shelby himself. Also, from the Comedy Central show Insomniac, Dave Attell is here! And performing his latest single "Always on Time"…Ja Rule featuring Ashanti! Mr. Rule will have you know that he's not always there when you call, but he's always on time. That's right. Apparently, the Rule book states that when your number's up for a ride on the Ja Wang, tardiness is unacceptable.
Jon: Say "hello" to Jimmy James and the Adam Riff™ Orchestra.
[music and applause]
Jon: Hornblower!
Rory: Yu!
Jon: Nothing beats an opening monologue littered with sexual references.
Rory: Yes yes.
Jon: What's up?
Rory: Well, I was thinking.
Jon: You. Thinking. Wow… And what, per say, were you thinking about?
Rory: Well, out of all the animals in the animal kingdom (lions and tigers and bears), can you believe that the entertainment industry made two successful animated cartoon series starring chipmunks?
[long pause]
Jon: Rory, if we're ever together on a plane that has to make a water landing, I'm-a use your head as a flotation device.
Rory: As if you can do better.
Jon: Actually, I can. The WWF Royal Rumble pay-per-view is Sunday. Basically, the main event consists of 30 men battling it out in one ring. What if, however, you applied this "royal rumble" concept to a concert situation? You could use the same setup, put a ring in the center of a venue and have the audience surround it, but instead of 30 wrestlers, 30 musical artists would come out and play. It'd be a "rumble" with no elimination factor or explicit winner so that different artists could interact with each other, there'd be no need for opening acts and headliners, and you could have a different set list every night. I've assembled a beta "royal rumble" line-up to show you the kinda shit I have in mind:

Afrika Bambaataa
Beastie Boys (King Ad-Rock, MCA, Mike D)
Biz Markie
Black Star (Mos Def, Talib Kweli)
Bullfrog (Kid Koala, Mark Robertson, James Sobers, Peter Santiago, Massimo Sansalone, Joanna Peters)
Cibo Matto (Miho Hatori, Yuka Honda)
Damon Albarn
Dan "the Automator" Nakamura
Del the Funkee Homosapien
Invisibl Skratch Piklz (Mix Master Mike, QBert, Shortkut)
Jennifer Charles
Kool Keith
M. Doughty
MC Paul Barman
Mike Patton
Money Mark
Prince Paul
Tenacious D

Jon: Imagine the mix-and-match possibilities and cream your pants.
Rory: Dude, you are such a dreamer. You're even worse than J.R. I mean, Afrika Bambaataa and Tenacious D on the same bill…performing in a wrestling ring? What the fuck?
Jon: Hey, it could work.
Rory: Jack Black couldn't even work well with the cast of Saturday Night Live! If Black doesn't go with white guys there, what makes you think he'll go with Afrika fucking Bambaataa of the Zulu Nation?
Jon: I can see it happening. In fact, a good "royal rumble" touring show could easily be staged without a hitch.
Rory: Roight.
Jon: ASS. [pause] We'll be right back with Guy Pearce.

everybody needs a 303

"check this out"

Barber: What'll it be for you today?
Jon: Gimme a bad haircut.
Barber: I'm sorry. Did you just say that you wanted a bad haircut?
Jon: Yes. I worry that people might not understand what I've tried to be, and if I were to be smart, Mr. Barber, I would want someone to fuck up my hair. Hold the trimmer and pretend that you have carpal tunnel syndrome, because there's nothing that I detest more than guys who care about their hair, who actually waste time doing their hair in the morning. And if you understand me, Mr. Barber, you…you will do this for me.
Barber: Errr, okay. It's YOUR head… One bad haircut comin' right up.

My mom bought me a hair trimmer because I was tired of paying a barber $11 to shave my head, and while a coupla my UC Berkeley hippie buddies were visiting today, I decided to break in my new found follicular contrivance. "Cut my hair however you want," I told them. "Even a mullet will do."

They gave me a half-ass wintertime mohawk. Now, my hair grows straight out counterclockwise and wasn't that long to begin with and my cowlick remains, so the "mohawk" looks super retarded and I feel really really stupid. Oh well. Good times.

a porno movie doubleheader idea…

black cock down
tagline: "leave no man's behind"
double entendre quote: "nobody wants to be a hero. it just sometimes turns out that way"

a bootyful mind
tagline: "he saw the world in a way no one could have imagined"
double entendre quote: "i need to believe that something extraordinary is possible"

both movies "coming soon"

the geoffrey arend paradigm

"cat in the jimmy hat"

A Jew, a homosexual, the Pope, two black guys, a Puerto Rican, and an Italian grandmother walk into a bar. The bartender is a deaf Chinaman who can only understand Swedish sign language. Everybody sits down, when all of a sudden, an Arab walks in with a goat. Somebody utters a few ethnic slurs, and then everybody kills each other. The end.

heavens no, hell yeah

"now in limbo"

November 2001:
sisqó/'sis-koh n.
1: diminutive, formerly platinum-haired, thong-celebrating one-hit wonder : SWEETMEAT
2: purportedly popular derogatory euphemism for those suspected of being homosexual. Often attrib Eminem's group, D12, who dodged GLAAD's ire (but could earn Def Jam's) by switching from the "f" word to labeling anyone they feel to be soft a "sisqó." A practice also nebulously attributed to Nas, Ras Kass, and Star and Buc Wild. Sisqó's response marked by a switch of hair color (to gold) and a claim that he prefers women who "enjoy computers and bettering themselves." Hmmm… ~adj: to act in an effeminate or dramatic manner [the way you do those cartwheels is so ~!]

January 14, 2002:
"Thong Song" hitmaker Sisqó was wearing white gloves and sporting a wild orange afro in Hollywood yesterday to do interviews for a Disney comedy show. According to the rapper, he got a rash that was misdiagnosed as eczema. "Now the doctors think it could be the Michael Jackson thing," says Sisqó, referring to Jacko's skin condition, known as vitiligo. "I'm on medication and doing more tests. [The doctors] are pretty certain it's stress related because I've been under a lot of stress lately."

Jon: Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!
Rory: Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every last one of you!

earlier today

Jon: Hey Rory! Smell my keyboard.
Rory: Whaaa?
Jon: Go on. Smell it.
[Rory smells Jon's keyboard]
Rory: Oh fuck…
Jon: Doesn't it smell funky?
Rory: "Funky" doesn't even begin to describe what that smell is. Jesus ranch… Do you wipe your ass with your keyboard?
Jon: No, Hornblower. For your information, I use it to type.
Rory: You and that fuckin' gay arse website.
Jon: What did you call it?
Rory: A website. My fault. I don't think anything hosted by Geoshitties can possibly be called a "website."
Jon: …
Rory: I'm bored.
Jon: Go play video games. The Gamecube's hooked up to the television.
Rory: We have no games for it, you fuckstick. We've had no games for it since you bought the machine last November.
Jon: Oh that's right. Haha. I keep forgetting to buy some.
Rory: Let's go play rollerball.
Jon: Rollerball?
Rory: We have the equipment.
Jon: Yes, but how does one play rollerball?
Rory: I dunno… We'll just make it up as we go, like that movie A.I.
Jon: Eh. I think I'll pass.
Rory: And do what? Work on that piece of shit site? Dude, give your hands a rest.
Jon: Look who's talking.
Rory: Hey, at least I orgasm when my hands go to work. What do you get in return? Five, ten hits? Whoo! Ten whole hits!!! Your almost as popular as Telcobox!
Jon: I hate you.
Rory: Whoa. Never heard that one before. Actually, I recall hearing you say it to your dick in the bathroom.
Rory: I KNOW! Let's go rob a bank!
Jon: Yeah! Let's do that! Let's go get ourselves arrested!
Rory: Why you gotta be all cynical like that? I'm tricky. I can do some Thomas Crown shit.
Jon: And I can assemble an eleven-man crew of specialists. [pause] Dumbass…
Rory: Hmmm. You know, you're right. I'm setting my sights way too high.
Jon: Damn straight.
Rory: Let's go rob a Dunkin' Donuts instead!
Jon: A donut shop? How much money can a donut shop possibly have?
Rory: For the donuts! Let's go rob a Dunkin' Donuts FOR THE DONUTS…and maybe a medium decaf latte while we're at it.
Jon: Let me get this straight. You want to rob a Dunkin' Donuts for a bunch of fried goods and coffee?
Rory: Yee.
Jon: Aight. I'm in.
Rory: Excellent. I'm-a go buy some guns and we'll rob away.
Jon: Hold up. Guns?
Rory: Isn't that what robbers usually use?
Jon: I'm not sure, Hornblower. I've never robbed a donut shop before. Besides, there's a five-day waiting period on all gun purchases in California.
Rory: Shit. I guess we'll just have to make do with baseball bats.
Jon: Sweet! I've always wanted to feel like a Los Angeles cop.
Rory: Okay… Synchronize Swatches. It's go time.

minutes later

Jon: Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!
Rory: Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every last one of you!
[Jon quickly puts donuts into a bag]
Rory: Don't forget the maple bars!
[Jon snatches some maple bars]
Rory: Oh and get those pots of coffee too!
[Jon approaches the coffee pots]
Jon: They're hot!
Rory: Well, yeah. We're stealing them. Of course they're gonna be hot.
Jon: No no no! They're emitting heat and I don't want to burn myself again. I already second-degree burned my cock and balls with chicken soup once (true story). No more!
Rory: This isn't McDonald's, shithead! Get the fuckin' coffee!


[Jon and Rory watch television]
Newscaster: Two unidentified men robbed a Dunkin' Donuts in Westwood today, taking everything but the cash register. Literally. Authorities say the duo, baseball bats in tow, made off with three pots of flavored coffee and a bagful of apple fritters, chocolate bear claws, vanilla frosted jelly filled coconut cake donuts, glazed crullers, maple bars, and powdered donut holes. When reached for comment, the franchise manager said, "Dios mio, man! El Chupacabra le gusta rosquillas y café, man!"
Rory: We made the local news. How cool is that?
[no response from Jon]
Rory: Jon?
[still no response from Jon]
Rory: JON?
[Jon gasps for air and coughs madly]
Jon: Sorry. Choked on a pretzel.
Rory: Ah. Hey, what do you say about robbing the Starbucks down the street tomorrow?
Jon: Which one? There are two Starbuckses (sp?) down the street from us a block away from each other.
Rory: Let's rob the one next to the Krispy Kreme.
Jon: Rory, going from robbing a Dunkin' Donuts to robbing a Starbucks is like following up a mass homicide by shooting a cat with a BB gun.
Rory: What do you suggest then?
Jon: The Falafel King.

The advertisement at the bottom returned Sunday with the full blessing of tha King. Weeeee.

the ballad of noam chomsky

"too much reading"

"These are the years that you're supposed to go fuckin' wild, blame it all on your parents or society, not have to suffer consequences. Have unprotected sex. Go do drugs. Smoke cigarettes. Drink alcohol. Watch porno. Rent porno movies. Get porno magazines. Porno porno porno. Do whatever the hell you want. Go pick fights. Stay out all night. Go look at the stars. Hang out with friends. Go do what you want. Be reckless. Go to concerts. All that stuff. These are your teen years. And what are you sitting at home having to do? Homework." – Morgan Moss

In Stephen King's novella The Long Walk, the biggest event in post-apocalyptic America is an annual race-walk featuring a hundred boys. To ensure a lively pace, flatbed trucks carrying soldiers shadow them along the side of the road. Whenever their speed falls below three miles an hour, the soldiers bark out a warning. The fourth time, they get shot. The contestants hike down I-95 until they're killed or drop dead of exhaustion. The last survivor receives The Prize. The Prize is anything the winner desires. The Prize is all anyone ever talks about. In the end, of course, there is no prize. After the crowds go home, the winner is quietly executed.

In pre-apocalyptic America, parents force their kids to run an eighteen-year-long marathon for a similarly futile remnant of the American Dream called The Promise. Graduate from the right college, The Promise goes, and you'll learn all you need to know, land a good job, have a great life. The catch is that you have to survive countless filters – grades, tests, demographics, luck – to get into a good school. For the lucky few, college is a worthwhile learning experience, vital to shaping the leaders of tomorrow. Just kidding. College students mainly learn how to fuck, snooze, and get soused.

[sigh] College is for suckers…like me.

"College-bound" students devote their childhoods to the hope of receiving a thick letter from a college admissions office. They join cheesy activities they don't really like: student government, marching band, Latin Club, yearbook. They invest hundreds of dollars on test-prep courses for the PSAT, ACT, and SAT. Then they take tests again – as many as four times – to raise their scores.

So you've gotten into the school of your dreams? Don't ease up now! The same vicious atmosphere of competition prevails here – you'll need the right grades to get the right college recruitment offer from the right company, or even make it to graduation. Given up on the job market? You'll still need at least a 3.5 GPA to get into a good graduate school! The treadmill never stops.

Until the day your heart stops beating, people will ask you where you went to college. Your answer to that cocktail-party question will often determine what people think of you, what jobs you'll be considered for, whether or not you'll be promoted, whether your in-laws will approve of you. If you're lucky, your glowing personality, savvy wit and stunning achievements can overcome an education deficit…if you're lucky. You won't even be safe from the cult of college when you die; your alma mater will rate a prominent mention in your obituary.

Most of college is a waste of time though. For full-time students, classes take up to perhaps fifteen hours a week. If they're diligent, they may study and work on assignments perhaps another fifteen hours. The rest is down time – numerous naps, soap operas on TV, marathon sex sessions and learning about drugs from friends. Not that sex and TV and sleeping are bad or anything, but should we really spend four years of our lives screwing and sleeping?

Arguably, most classes are worthless too. Many are rehashes of topics you already studied in high school; others move too slowly to offer an intellectual challenge. Still others are taught by inept graduate students or professors with no interest in teaching. Few classes are devoted to intellectual exploration or problem-solving. English lit students parrot what they suspect their professors want to hear. Chemistry professors jot formulas on the chalkboard; students are so busy copying them into their notebooks that they don't have time to think about what they mean. The real work will occur at night when they try to unravel the stuff on their own. Grades are capricious and therefore worthless.

Worst of all, most college students learn to regurgitate information rather than think for themselves. They take notes as their professors blather on and on, but rarely question them out of fear of getting low grades. They read books outside class, then they come in to be told what they mean. They've been programmed for employment.

In an ideal world, education would be customized to the needs and desires of every student. In reality, college students work through codified curricula that fit a school's lowest common denominator. This rote regurgitation that passes for thought is excellent training for working as a corporate drone, but it's not an education.

Thank you, Ted Rall.


i got my own beef with the po-po

"word, dawg"

a beautiful mind
re: mathematical genius john nash, diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic, triumphs over his tragedy, and goes on to win a nobel prize for his work on game theory
jon says: more like a waste of mind. basically, i paid $9 to see a crazy guy. i could easily do that on the street…and for free!!! or i coulda just read about the guy in an encyclopedia and saved time. guy becomes crazy, guy becomes less crazy. end of story. i don't need russell crowe to act it out for me. i guess you can't expect much from good wholesome ron howard and the writer of batman and robin
rory says:

it looks like he has a b.b. lodged between his eyebrows! that is all

there's a wild fandango loose in the theater


This is Bob.

This is David.
Together, they are…

Bob and David

Who are Bob and David? Well, Bob Odenkirk and David Cross are the men behind pay television's funniest sketch comedy show ever. This was the show that gave birth to Tenacious D. I'm talkin' about HBO's

Why should you care? Because HBO has decided to release all the Mr. Shows on DVD. Whoo! Each disc will contain ten episodes and include extras. The first disc is due out on February 27th. It will consist of the four original episodes of "season" one and the six episodes from the second "season."

But that's not all! The Mr. Show movie finally hits theaters on April 12th. Awww yeah… Run, Ronnie, Run traces the trials and tribulations of white trash man Ronnie Dobbs, an alleged criminal notorious for his multiple appearances on the TV show Cops. Besides Mr. Show alums, the film also boasts appearances by Nikki Cox, Jack Black, the Kids in the Hall, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Andy Richter, Scott Ian, Maynard James Keenan, Patrick Warburton, Jeff Goldblum, Garry Shandling and Ben Stiller, among others. I saw a screening of the movie about a year ago and it was devastatingly funny. How can you resist Jack Black in a Fiddler on the Roof parody doing a song and dance number with the chorus "just give her a nice kick in the cunt"?

Family Guy and Futurama are on DVD…with region 2 encoding! What's up with that?

And what the fuck is going on here?
I guess Lethal's the man in the relationship.
Have you seen this poster for an upcoming Josh Hartnett movie? It says, "One man is about to do the unthinkable. No sex. Whatsoever. For…40 Days and 40 Nights." Ugh. Look at him lying there with that smug look on his face. He's probably thinking about his dick and how much girls want to get their hands on it. So Josh Hartnett can't have sex for 40 days. BOO FUCKING HOO! [sigh] I'm sorry, I just have some personal issues with this movie. The first draft of the script was actually based on my life until Miramax decided that it would be impossible to market a movie called Ever.

brotherhood of the wolf
re: in 18th century france, the chevalier de fronsac and his native american friend mani are sent by the king to the gévaudan province to investigate the killings of civilians by a mysterious beast
jon says: the movie does not make any sense whatsoever and the action sequences are "been there, done that" for the most part, but if you have two-and-a-half hours of time to kill and are in the mood for campy b-movie period drama and excessive gore and violence (including scenes of what some people might deem animal cruelty), then this inexplicably entertaining crouching tiger + jurassic park hybrid is for you. oh and it's in french, so be ready to read subtitles
rory says: ahem. you forgot to mention the naked women. crazy french people…

frontier psychiatrist

"confessions of a kleptomaniac"

J.R. said that my site is his "freaking bible." Eh… After today's post, he might want to reconsider what he said.

I had to do an assignment on "times I broke the rules" for my screenwriting class, and I'd like to share it with the world. I'm not a bad person. Really. I just want to be honest about my sins. Like George W. Bush, I've made mistakes in my life, but I'm proud to tell you that I've learned from those mistakes. Oh and two of them are false. Can you guess which two?

• After taking a shit in a church (don't ask), I washed my hands with holy water.
• At a café in Germany, I asked my friend, "Hey, do you think there are any Nazis around here?" and the whole place froze. Inside voices, Jon! Inside voices…
• During rehearsal for a school musical, this girl Jennifer was dancing and singing and shit and totally not focusing on the task at hand, and I kinda blew up on her in front of the rest of the cast. "STOP IT! STOP THAT FUCKING BRITNEY SPEARS SHIT!!! [sigh and smile] Thank you." She dropped out of the musical the next day.
• I broke my brother's arm and exploited the incident for my benefit in several high school writing projects.
• I had unprotected sex with myself.
• I lied to get out of attending my last grandparent's funeral because it happened to coincide with the day the school paper came out and I really wanted to help distribute the paper.
• I made my vegetarian US History AP teacher eat meat-based dog food baked in a cake with potentially toxic pharmaceutical products.
• I plagiarized on college papers and received "A"s for it.
• I poured Pert Plus into a 7UP can and conned my friend into chugging it down.
• I religiously stole copies of Mad and TV Guide from a local supermarket for about five years.
• I shat in a urinal.
• I smacked a kindergartner in the face with a tape deck recorder because he was being too noisy.
• I smacked a kindergartner on the back with a remote control because he wouldn't stop whining.
• I threw a bag of pennies off the top of a skyscraper.
• I threw a screwdriver at my brother's face and hit him with the pointy side two centimeters away from his left eye.
• I took my brother (then six years old) to the movies and, upon realizing that I didn't have enough money to buy tickets for both of us, bought a ticket for myself and had him wait outside.
• I went to school in blackface.
• I went to school post-September 11 covered in fake blood with a t-shirt on that said "God Bless America."
• My parents told me to watch my brother for the night, so I handcuffed him, locked him in a closet, and went to the movies.
• On the PSAT, I bubbled in my nationality as "African-American" and ended up winning a scholarship.
• When I visited China, I flipped off the cops in Tienanmen Square.
• I was kicked out of high school five days before graduation on charges of sexual harassment and terrorism after publishing allegedly libelous comments under my name in the school paper and, as a result, pissing off a good majority of the faculty, many of whom still hate me to this day.

I need help.

Allegria 1 3: you seem to enjoy making people think you're completely amoral

the cabinet of dr. caligari
re: at a fair, dr. caligari exhibits cesare, a somnambulist who can predict the future. when a man asks how long he has to live, cesare says he has until dawn. the prophecy comes true, as alan is murdered, and cesare is a prime suspect
jon says: finally, a movie featuring a somnambulist! it's about damn time! haha. if tim burton made a b-movie in 1920, dr. caligari would be it
rory says: dude, i'm not in your german film history class! the fuck do i know about some gay arse squid m.d. movie?

nosferatu: a symphony of horror
re: count orlok expresses interest in a new residence and real estate agent hutter's wife
jon says: campy fun, as campy and fun as a silent movie made 80 years ago can possibly be. i kinda wanna see shadow of the vampire now, that movie about the filming of this particular nosferatu
rory says: you never see any vampires with aids. what's up with that?

solitary poor nasty brutish and short

"caution: sucky post ahead"

"Discover the world of young people who dress up in furry costumes and get off on it."

I couldn't believe it either, but MTV actually has a special on people who get turned on by stuffed animals and/or dressing as big stuffed animals. It's called Sex 2K: Plushies and Furries, and it's some funny ass shit. The show will re-air January 13 at 12:30 a.m. and January 23 at 12:00 a.m.

[clears throat]

On February 19, Dan "the Automator" Nakamura will release the compilation LP Wanna Buy a Monkey? featuring the Gorillaz song "Latin Simone" along with other tracks by artists Nakamura has been involved with over the past 10 years.

"Probably the most interesting thing on this record is a song called 'Smoothness,' which is me and Black Rob," said Nakamura. "Rob and me used to work together back in 1992, and this stuff has never, ever come out. No one has a copy of it. It was six or seven years before [Rob] was with Puffy, and about five years before I was starting to come out where people knew me. It's real hot, though – straight-up hip-hop, and it's real special to me."

Wanna Buy a Monkey? will also include Nakamura's remix of Air's "Le Soleil Est Pres De Moi," and "X-ecutioners (Theme) Song," his collaboration with the X-ecutioners for the turntablists' upcoming album, Built From Scratch. Also featured are songs by his groups Lovage ("Stroker Ace") and Deltron 3030 ("Positive Contact").

In addition to songs Nakamura had a hand in, Wanna Buy a Monkey? includes tracks he likes, but had nothing to do with: RZA/Bobby Digital's "La Rhumba," Brand Nubian's "Rockin' It," Tortoise's "Seneca," Doves' "Firesuite," De La Soul's "Bionix," Dilated Peoples' "Clockwork," Masta Ace's "Don't Understand," Zero 7's "Destiny" and Jigmastas' "Don't Get It Twisted."

Nakamura has other things on his plate at the moment…

Feb. 23: Toronto (Docks)
Feb. 25: Boston (Avalon Ballroom)
Feb. 26: Washington, D.C. (9:30 Club)
Feb. 28: New York (Hammerstein Ballroom)
March 1: Philadelphia (Electric Factory)
March 3: Chicago (Riviera Theater)
March 5: Seattle (Paramount Theater)
March 7: San Francisco (Warfield Theater)
March 8: Los Angeles (Palladium)

"The live Gorillaz experience is an experimental thing…there's no actual band that you see on stage – it's one big cinema screen. It's kind of taking a ride back to the sort of silent-movie era, really. Except it's a lot louder." – Damon Albarn

all i want is hell on earth

"join me…or die!"

Ronald McDonald upon hearing the news

Well, at least he died of cancer and not a heart attack, because the last thing I want right now is to feed the fire of those stupid fuckin' health nuts who insist that fast food will kill me. Yes, I know that. So will guns, but guns aren't tasty and 99 cents for a limited time.

It's so fuckin' hot in Los Angeles. Just wanted to rub it in the faces of all you snow people.

I'd talk about how school is except that I don't have enough space to thoroughly document how electroshock therapy works.

And now, thoughts I had while waiting for the movie to start:

Do teenagers really get that excited about drinking Sunny Delight?

Goddammit. I have a pimple on my ass.

In the time it takes your enemy to open up a can of whoop ass, can't you just shoot them in the head and be done with it?

Her name is pronounced "sha-day," not "shar-day."

Jesus seems to love a lot of people. Are we sure he isn't Mormon?

If a giant walking and talking pitcher of red sugar water suddenly barged through a wall of my room with a complete disregard for structural damage, I would not be happy.

Why is the smallest available size in any urban clothing store always XXL?

One day, all biology majors will be required to take a class on Owen Wilson's nose.

Wouldn't it royally suck to be a male hand model who can't get dates?

Remember how they used to say "if you put your ear up to a seashell, you can hear the ocean"? What a load of shit that was.

blade II
re: blade harder. the reaper, a new breed of vampire that feeds off humans and vampires alike, emerges with plans of world domination. in order to defeat this new menace, blade must team with the bloodpack, an elite group of vampires trained to hunt him
jon says: uhhh…i attended one of the first screenings of the movie and had to sign an agreement not to discuss or transmit information about it on the internet. i.m. or e-mail me if you want particulars or have questions
rory says: the bad guy novak looks like mr. blingo, if he was a corpse wearing normal street clothes. nate's really scary-looking as it is in real life, so you can imagine how scary he'd be as a corpse. doubly scary. i, for one, would hate to get on post-mortem blingo's bad side
jon: rory! shut the fuck up! you signed an agreement to—
rory: no, i didn't. "adolf maweeny" signed an agreement. hehehe.
jon: you're shittin' me…
rory: hey, you're the one who pointed out the dead blingo resemblance. if i didn't not sign that agreement, nobody would know about it until march.
jon: [sigh] you've made a cuckold of me.
rory: damn right i did. [long pause] wh-what's a "cuckold"?

christmas card from a hooker in minneapolis


The following is a public service announcement.

Attention male America:
pull up your fucking pants

Pants slightly too big and don't have a belt? That's fine. However, I'm sick and tired of seeing these kids with their pants deliberately around their lower thighs…especially when they're wearing a belt! And then there are the geniuses who inexplicably sag pants that have elastic waistbands or sag shorts so they look like pants. What. The. Fuck. Let me break it down for all you retards: the underwear goes INSIDE the pants. That's why it's called under-FUCKIN'-wear! I don't know about you, but I like to wear my pants, not sit on them. Why anybody would pay full price to wear half a pair of pants is beyond me. The only time your pants should be that low is when you're jackin' off.


I updated the periodic table. While The Marked Fool and Absent-Minded are on holiday, go gawk at #13 Foul Magazine (J.R. says it's "NOICE") and #31 Hamster Style, which, according to Adam, should re-launch Tuesday.

"I have a proposition: I think if white people are going to burn down black churches, then black people ought to burn down the House of Blues. What a disgrace that place is. The House of Blues. You know what they ought to call it? The House of Lame White Motherfuckers! Inauthentic, low-frequency, lame white motherfuckers." – George Carlin

lovage with ugly duckling @ house of blues sunset strip
re: dan "the automator," kid koala, faith no more's mike patton, and elysian fields' jennifer charles play music to make love to your old lady by…live
jon says: dan "the automator" lords over a twisted sexual menagerie of cigarettes, deuce bigalow: male gigolo, exercise videos, fake orgasms, sleepwear, spider-man costumes, thongs, wine, and the x-rated movie lady chatterly's lover. what more could you ask for? a killer gender-swapping cover of "i'm real (remix)" with jennifer doing ja rule's part and mike channeling j. lo — that's what. minus points though for opening night recurring mic feedback
rory says: eric san is my hero

on stage in his pajamas, my boy burned serious vinyl, first rockin' the house with a 20-minute solo set of dance music culminating in sir mix-a-lot's "baby got back" and then rockin' the house with lovage
bonus: after the show, we were waiting for the bus to come when hugh hefner walked right past us, inebriated and accompanied by five well-endowed blond women

Blade II screening Tuesday, A Clockwork Orange Egyptian Theatre screening Saturday, and The Mothman Prophecies screening Monday. Life is good.