put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brains

Fall quarter ended today. You know what that means? No more Cameron. There was a guy named Cameron in my English 10A discussion section and he absolutely pissed the fuck outta me. I'm sure you've all had a Cameron-type in a class before. He's the pretentiously good student, usually with facial hair, who's always the only person to talk and spews out all this "profound" shit that the teacher eats up. Plus, all the chicks love him because he's Italian and speaks Italian and exudes Italian charm. Ugh. Today, we had to recite selected pieces of English prose and poetry in class. Everybody basically half-assed their recitation just to receive credit, but Cameron got up in front of the class and proceeded to act out Doctor Faustus with dramatic pauses, exaggerated body gestures, and voices. HE EVEN CRIED!!! I hate him. Good riddance.

The National Board of Review released its list of the top ten domestic movies of 2001 on Wednesday:

1. Moulin Rouge
2. In the Bedroom
3. Ocean's Eleven
4. Memento
5. Monster's Ball
6. Black Hawk Down
7. The Man Who Wasn't There
8. A.I. (Artificial Intelligence)
9. The Pledge
10. Mulholland Drive

It's that time of the year again when the media launches a "best of" list blitzkrieg. Take a look at the National Board of Review's list though. In the Bedroom? Monster's Ball? What the fuck? Have you heard of these movies? My point exactly. The media seems to have forgotten that the motion picture industry isn't in the business of making good movies anymore. If anything, it's time the media starts compiling "worst of" movie lists. I'll lead the way. Excluding sequels and B movies, both of which are designed to suck, here's my list of the worst ten domestic movies of 2001:

1. Glitter
"There is good. There is bad. There is worse and terrible and pathetic and painful. Then, there is Glitter."

2. Freddy Got Fingered
"If ever a movie testified to the utter creative bankruptcy of the Hollywood film industry, it is the abomination known as Freddy Got Fingered."

3. Head Over Heels + Summer Catch
"As long as Freddie Prinze Jr. continues to make films, critics around the country will continue to wonder exactly what it is they did to deserve this abuse."

4. Texas Rangers
"Makes American Outlaws look like a John Ford picture."

5. Tomcats
"Let's leave Tomcats in the gutter where it belongs, and re-adjust the levels of cinematic hell, because Porky's just got bumped up a notch."

6. On the Line
"On the Line could have had a future as a gay camp favorite if only it had tried a bit harder. But On the Line isn't even so bad it's funny, like Glitter. It's just bad."

7. The Animal + Corky Romano + Joe Dirt
"Why do you suppose Saturday Night Live stars seem to be no more discriminating when picking movie scripts than zoo monkeys are when they eat their own feces?"

8. 3000 Miles to Graceland
"3000 Miles to Graceland shouldn't be reviewed in an arts section but rather in that portion of the newspaper dedicated to atrocities, environmental disasters and hate crimes."

9. A Knight's Tale
"It will rock you…straight to sleep."

10. Pearl Harbor
"There's no other way to say it: Pearl Harbor is a fucking disgraceful excuse for a movie."

Let's classify Ocean's Eleven in the good-bad-guy-carries-out-elaborate-heist movie genre somewhere behind The Thomas Crown Affair and in front of Out of Sight, another Soderbergh good-bad-guy-carries-out-elaborate-heist movie. It was fun though. Nothing special, but fun.

I updated the ADD Movie Critic archive. I added reviews of Raging Bull and Hannah and Her Sisters. Also, I adjusted grade inflation for a lot of movies. I realized that I was way too tolerant.

A man who allegedly bullied the one and only Slim Shady at school is now suing Eminem to the tune of $1 million for damaging his reputation. The big bully in question, DeAngelo Bailey, denies having bullied Eminem while at school and claims in his lawsuit that lyrics on The Slim Shady LP have damaged his own chances of launching a music career. Hmmm, perhaps this lawsuit was sparked more by jealousy than anything else. In Eminem's song, "Brain Damage," a school bully smashes him against urinals and shoves him into lockers while choking him. Bailey is the alleged bully. In the suit, Bailey's lawyers say, "In his music lyrics, Eminem falsely portrayed himself as the victim of a pattern of outrageous and grotesque physical abuse from his childhood friend Bailey. Eminem publicized lyrics that were intended to damage bailey in order to improve Eminem's reputation as a rap artist."

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