Underage Against the Machine

What can I say? I like older women.

Hell week is over. Two all-nighters a day apart really do a number on you. I can't remember the last time I woke up and my eyes didn't hurt. Oh well. I shitted out my papers (without having to ask for any extensions!) and I won't have to write another one for at least a month-and-a-half. Whoo!

You'd think with all this talk about George Harrison that somebody important had died. Cry if you want to, but let us not forget that he was always the lame Beatle, especially when he became all spiritual and shit. Best wishes though to Mr. Harrison in the afterlife. Maybe he can form a musical supergroup with Joey Ramone, John Lee Hooker, and Aaliyah. Call it the Traveling Wilburied.

It's weird. No matter how undeveloped their pop culture radars may be, every Jew I've ever met knows their Beatles songs.

Look who else kicked the bucket! John Knowles, author of A Separate Peace, died Thursday at the age of 75. Yeah, he fell off a tree.

Ty: "im talking hot, like 70°." If that's considered hot in Massachusetts, then Los Angeles must be hell. Wait…

Am I the only person who disliked the movie Behind Enemy Lines? I mean, I enjoy dumbfuck blow shit up action movies just as much as the average guy, and I thought Behind Enemy Lines featured some kickass attention deficit cinematography and editing (straight outta the school of Baz Lurhmann), but the movie came off as total military propaganda (bad propaganda at that) and capitalized on September 11 even more shamelessly than those photomontages of the disaster area put together with Creed songs that you saw on television. I can't believe some people in the audience actually applauded this cheap marketable patriotism. It hurt to see Gene Hackman basically rehash Alec Baldwin's ridiculous role in Pearl Harbor, laughable dialogue in tow.

In fact, so much of Behind Enemy Lines is derivative of other movies: the heavenly choir music juxtaposed with tragic scenes of war, the computer-generated shot of a satellite whooshing around the earth, the premature death of the good guy that always fools his partners, the hard ass military commander who's not so hard ass after all and puts his job on the line to save one of his men, the smile-ridden happy ending set to classic rock music.

Behind Enemy Lines also has no plot. That could be a problem. Bad guys attack Owen Wilson; Owen Wilson escapes. Bad guys attack Owen Wilson; Owen Wilson escapes. Bad guys attack Owen Wilson; Gene Hackman saves the day…and Owen Wilson escapes!!! I felt like I was watching a comedy. At times, Owen Wilson is pursued by the entire Serbian army, which fires at him with machine guns, rifles, tanks – hundreds of rounds of ammo – and they still completely miss him, while all he has to do is aim and fire, and another bad guy dies.

Roger Ebert: "This guy is a piece of work. Consider the scene where Burnett [Owen Wilson] substitutes uniforms with a Serbian fighter. He even wears a black ski mask covering his entire face. He walks past a truck of enemy troops, and then what does he do? Why, he REMOVES THE SKI MASK, revealing his distinctive blond hair, and then he TURNS BACK TOWARD THE TRUCK so we can see his face, in case we didn't know who he was."

Tenacious D will headline a December 20th benefit for the United Mitochondrial Disease Foundation (UMDF) at the House of Blues in Los Angeles. The bill will also feature as-yet-unannounced special guests. The $100 VIP tickets will allow fans to see the show and to attend an after-party with the D, with hors d'oeuvres and a free commemorative poster; $50 tickets are for the show only. Goddammit. I don't wanna go home for the holidays. The Bay Area sucks ass.

"Stanford student wanted for sperm donor. $15k offered. Intelligent, good looking, over 6 ft. tall. No history of self or family addictions." This is not the sort of advertisement readers usually expect to find in the Palo Alto Daily News classified section, but the ad has appeared there for the past two weeks, placed by a Burlingame woman who hopes to find a sperm donor. The 33-year-old woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, said she specifically wants a Stanford University student because she assumes the donor will have a high level of intelligence. "Intellect is a given if they go to Stanford," she said. "And if I meet them and I like them, I'll choose them." Hahahahaha. This lady has obviously never been to Stanford. If you impregnate yourself with the sperm of a Stanford student, your kid won't be smart – he or she'll be alcoholic.

Well, the December movie blitzkrieg begins Friday with Ocean's Eleven, and if you're anything like me, you're gonna lose lots of money to Hollywood this winter. Fear not though, my friends. I am here to help y'all save a buck or two. Behold…

Jonathan Yu's Guide to Cheating at the Movies

You really wanna save money? Go watch matinees. Oh and the following information applies to megamovieplexes in particular. It's hard to cheat a single-screen theater.

I personally don't believe in eating at the movies because it increases your chance of having a bowel movement. Who goes to a theatre to take a shit? I nauseate myself watching people buy tubs of buttered popcorn for the free refills. Mmmm…atherosclerosis. Drinks, on the other hand, I can stand, because everybody pisses at the movies. To avoid paying too much for soda, here's what you do: most theatres will allow you to bring in outside food, even if it's policy not to. Before the movie, visit a Taco Bell and ask for water. The people behind the counter will give you a cup, which you naturally fill with soda at the beverage counter. The manageable size of the Taco Bell water cups makes it so that you can refresh yourself without having to pee DURING the movie. If necessary, feed your hunger at the Bell while you're at it.

Unless you're me, you probably go to the movies with other people…at night. Who the fuck wants to gamble $9 on a movie? Student rates aren't that much cheaper either nowadays. Here's what you do: have one person from your party go up to the ticket window and buy tickets for the whole group. Have this designated ticket buyer ask for one general admission ticket (at a student rate, if possible) and then buy the rest of the tickets at the low low children's rate. Bonus points if the person buying the tickets looks like a liberal Mormon. Once the tickets have been purchased, put all of them in one stack with the adult ticket on top, and make your way into the theatre as a group, with the person in front holding this stack of tickets. The ticket taker (usually an apathetic minority, handicapped person, or teenager) will most likely just tear all of the tickets at the same time, and you're in. Repeat if the theatre double-checks tickets at the auditorium door.

Almost No Tickets
No money? No problem! You can still get into a theatre without paying, although it is a bit trickier. First, make sure that the target theatre isn't double-checking tickets at the auditorium door for the screening you wish to attend. Peek through the glass doors or something. Usually, theatres only double-check tickets for major movies and during the summer. Second, make sure that the target theatre has side exits away from the main entrance. If the prerequisites are satisfied, here's what you do: sucker somebody into buying a ticket, entering the theatre, and discreetly letting you and whoever else in from a side exit.

No Tickets
Wait outside a side exit for somebody to leave the theatre and capitalize on the moment.

Theatre hopping is as American as Yakov Smirnoff. Although it's easier to theatre hop on a typical weekday, with some work, weekend theatre hopping can be carried out successfully. My record is five movies in one Saturday. Weeeee! Here's what you do: get ahold of the movie schedule for the target theatre and plan out your day. Take note of movie running lengths (easily accessible online), and for each movie you want to see, factor in 22 minutes buffer time for pre-show entertainment and potential bathroom breaks. For example, Behind Enemy Lines is an hour and 45 minutes. Add 22 minutes to that and it's two hours and seven minutes. Therefore, if you see the 11:30 am showing of Behind Enemy Lines, schedule the second movie no earlier than 2:37 pm. Moreover, if you happen to visit a theatre where the ushers shoo everybody out of the building after the movie, here's what you do: upon exiting the auditorium, proceed to the nearest bathroom, because the ushers'll usually let you go to the bathroom before kicking you out. Inside the bathroom, find a toilet stall, lock yourself inside, and wait there for a good 10-15 minutes. Then, safely exit and hop away. This strategy, however, requires an adjustment to your allotted buffer time. No big deal. It's also advisable to wear interchangeable articles of clothing – a sweater or a hat, maybe – so that none of the theatre employees recognize you by the end of the day.

Have fun at the movies this holiday season!

Jesus ranch. Mary-Kate and Ashley have boy trouble: they don't know who their secret admirers are. Help the teen twins piece together a secret note by completing fun challenges. More than 30 levels have you saving whales as a marine biologist, captaining the cheerleading squad, exploring the physics of mini golf, and joining the yearbook staff as photo editor. Along the way, you can pick your outfit and perform with the dance squad. Just who is the mystery admirer? Multiple endings will keep you guessing.

More Fast and Furious, the second soundtrack from the summer blockbuster The Fast and the Furious, will make history when it hits stores December 18 as the first major-label release with built-in copy-protection technology. The technology is hardly perfect, and some consumers are concerned the industry is jumping the gun to protect copyrighted music and releasing CDs with flawed devices that diminish sound quality and prohibit CDs from playing on some components. Universal is including disclaimer stickers on the More Fast and Furious packaging notifying consumers of possible playback difficulties on DVD players, game consoles and Macintosh computers. They have also asked retailers to offer a full refund to those who have trouble playing the CD and have added inserts in the CDs that direct the consumer to a customer care center or website for assistance. [groan] Didn't the record industry learn anything from medieval times? Chastity belts are a hassle and don't fuckin' work.

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