the internet stops sucking January 6, 2002

Elvin Lee, I'm-a exchange your eyeballs with your testicles the next time I see you if you don't deliver on your promise to host my site on your server. I gave you and Nick $250 to buy shit for that fuckin' machine and I'd like to see my services rendered. Even if you guys did spend the money on pot, I know you have the server up. You said you'd give me access in September. It's December now and I'm pissed. Why don't you answer my instant messages? Just set me up, dammit! If not, then I want a pound of your flesh.

This picture always makes me laugh.

I'll be in Mountain View (the Bay Area, for you non-Californians) from December 15th to January 4th. It's about time I went on vacation. I've been in school for practically 16 consecutive months now. This year alone, I've spent about twenty-something days not at school. [sigh] Pathetic.

(650) 961-1727. Call me. Please. Jord's not visiting me. What am I gonna do for fun? I'll have a car, but what good is a car without a social life? Mountain View's a boring place, especially with no internet. Yes, my parents killed internet access at our home, even though my brother's in seventh grade. No computer – that's the final nail in the coffin. Somebody, anybody, everybody…help. will return on January 6, 2002 with a new direction and layout. What I'm gonna do is gonna be puzzled over…and studied…and followed…forever. I can't reveal any details, but in the words of Rob, it'll be "less E/N and more Jon Yu in your face."

Until then, re-enjoy six good posts of 2001:
Fact or Crucifixion?
The Day the Whole World Went Away
Official Chemical Visual Missile
Laces Out
My Only Friends Are Make Believe

I'm-a go away for a bit now.

Jonathan Yu's Anthology of Top 40 Literature 2001

welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the eighth wonder of the world
the flow of the century
oh it's timeless
Jonathan Yu's Anthology of Top 40 Literature 2001
never made it as a wise man
i couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
tired of living like a blind man
i'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
but i'm a survivor
i'm gonna make it baby, 'cause i'm a thug
i ain't…goin'
i ain't…goin' nowhere
i can't be stopped now
'cause it's bad boy for life
for the nigga who be talkin' loud and holdin' his dick talkin' shit
he better lay low
for the bitch that said I shot some shit up outta my dick now she sick
she better lay low
ya'll can't deny it
i'm a fuckin' rider
you don't wanna fuck with me
i…am…number one
9-1-6, 4-1-5, 7-0-4
shout out to the 2-0-6
i've got hoes
i've got ho-oh-oh-ah-oes
in different area codes
whatever tomorrow brings
i'll be there with open arms and open eyes
i'm like a bird
i ain't gotta job now
so for you this is just a good time
but for me this is what i call "life"
i…wish you were here
when you are with me
i'm free
i'm careless
i believe
nobody wants to be lonely
whenever, wherever
we'll learn to be together
so here's your holiday
hope you enjoy it this time
on an island in the sun
we'll be playing and having fun
ain't nobody dope as me
i'm dressed so fresh
so fresh and so clean clean
i'm comin' up
so you better get this party started
hey, where the party at?
girls is on the way
where the bacardi at?
i wrote a song for you
and all the things you do
and it was called "yellow"
now mr. dj
i've asked you three times
play my motherfuckin' song
one more time
music's got a feeling so free
we're gonna celebrate
celebrate and dance for free
don't need no hateration, holleratin' in this
let's get it percolatin' while you're waitin'
so just dance for me
don't fight that good shit in your ear
let me blow ya mind
i take a couple uppers
i down a couple downers
but nothing compares to these blue and yellow purple pills
if you wanna go and get high with me
smoke an "L" in the back with the benzene
i've got my hash pipe
it takes you on a ride
you feel it when your body starts to rock
and baby, you can't stop
and the music's all you got
baby, come on
now you're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
take your shirt off
twist it 'round your hand
spin it like a helicopter
i…i feel so alive
now i'm jacking off and i know why
because i got high
because i got high
because i got high

jon: who's that girl? la la la la la la la la.
everyman: i fell in love with the girl at the rock show. would you look at her? she looks at me. she's got me thinking about her constantly, but she don't know how i feel.
[everyman walks up to the girl]
everyman: girl, you're my angel. you're my darling angel. so baby girl, put it on me. i'm a slave for you.
girl: ugly!!!
everyman: inside you're ugly, ugly like me. [smiles] you're everything i know that makes me believe i'm not alone, and it's been awhile since i could hold my head up high. i'm real, hanging by a moment here with you.
girl: i don't think you're ready for this jelly. [smiles]
[sad everyman begins to walk away]
girl: it's all for you if you really want it. [smiles]
jon: hey! must be the money!
[everyman ignores jon]
everyman: [to the girl] voules-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?

in a private room…
jon: [through the door] what in the world is in that rooooom? what you got in that rooooom?
everyman: get out my business, my biznasssss! stay the fuck up out my biznassssah!
[everyman and the girl undress]
everyman: i'm useless, but not for long. the future is comin' on. yeah! this time i'm-a let it all come out.
girl: turn off the light! turn off the light!
[everyman turns off the light]
everyman: come, my lady. come, come, my lady. get ur freak on. to all my niggas who be livin' it up, i say, "let the bodies hit the floor!"
[everyman and the girl fuck like rabbits]
everyman: [to himself] i keep on fallin' in and out of the space between the wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from pain.
the girl: [to herself] craaaaaawling in my skin! these wounds they will not heal!
everyman: [to the girl] bang your head until you start to break ya neck, nigga!
the girl: [to everyman] wonderboy! what is the secret of your power?
everyman: [to the girl] abortion! abortion! abortion! abortion!
everyman: [to himself] i had to fall to lose it all…
[everyman stops in the middle of missionary sex and decides he wants anal instead]
everyman: [to himself] …but in the end, it doesn't even matter! peaches and cream! i need it 'cause you know that i'm a fiend!
everyman: [to the girl] get up! come on, get down with the sickness!

one week later…
everyman: [to the girl] wake up! grab a brush and put a little makeup!
[the girl doesn't respond]
everyman: annie, are you okay? are you okay, annie?
annie: [crying] abortion…
everyman: it wasn't me. this is me. we're as different as can be. he [her ex] and i are nothing alike. you're confusing day with night. you've been struck by a smooth criminal.
[annie continues crying]
everyman: i'm sorry, ms. jackson. i am for real!
[everyman tries to cheer annie up]
everyman: you rocked my world. you know you did. [smiles]
[annie continues crying]
everyman: [frustrated] mother, mother… there's too many of you crying. [pause followed by a sigh] i did it. do you think i've gone too far?
[annie goes crazy and says she wants to have the baby]
everyman: [angry] you're so jaded. hey, j-j-jaded, SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!
[everyman grabs annie]
everyman: you can go with this [points to a coat hanger] or you can go with that [points to the door]. i don't wanna waste my time…become another casualty of society. i'll never fall in line…become another victim of your conformity. back down! don't count on me, it's the point you're missing. don't count on me, 'cause i'm not listening!
[everyman leaves her]
everyman: [through the door] walk on! walk on! [pause] stay safe tonight!
[crying annie plays a record]
here's to the nights we felt alive
here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
here's to goodbye
tomorrow's gonna come too soon

all the boys say,
"hey baby, hey baby, hey"
girls say, girls say,
"when your man wanna get buck wild
just go back and hit 'em up style"
boys say, boys say,
"man, listen
these motherfuckers don't know who we are
they don't know
they couldn't possibly fuckin' know, dog
that's from the heart"

everyman: [voiceover] i want love, just a different kind. i want love…won't break me down, won't brick me up, won't fence me in. i want a love that don't mean a thing. that's the love i want. i wish that i could make her see she's just the flavor of the weak.
annie: [to everyman's voiceover] but the truth remains, you're gone
you're gone

Rock the Dreidel of Love

Happy Hanukkah from Rabbi Wienerschnitzel!

Okay, I was gonna kick off today's special Hanukkah post with a news bit on the Beastie Boys readying a follow-up to Hello Nasty, but some little Massachu-SHIT (cough cough) beat me to it. No matter… I don't even like them anyway. [sticks out tongue] Besides, I have an even juicier news bit.

Three and half years after the release of their last post, the WankerCounty boys are finally getting to work on the follow-up. Along with their legal guardian, KeeJay, the boys (Tony, Matt, Jord, Bob, Jerry and Jon) have begun the writing process and expect to begin formal coding sessions early in 2002.

People often ask why I have so many WankerCounty buttons on my site. Well, I like buttons, and if I like a particular website, I'm-a put up all the buttons it offers. Recently, however, the wankin' that I love has stopped over in my favorite county, and it makes me sad. I understand that it's junior year in high school, but c'mon Jord! Posting a speech you wrote for class? That's just weak.

I've come up with a plan to save WankerCounty. It probably won't work because nobody ever gives a fuck about what I say, but it's worth a shot. There are sixteen WankerCounty buttons on my site. Beginning Tuesday December 11th, every day WankerCounty isn't updated, I will delete one of their buttons. This game'll continue until Christmas Day with the potential elimination of fifteen buttons total. Weeeee! I love you guys.

And now, Josh explains Hanukkah to Jon…

Josh: This Syrian King Antiochus takes over Israel
Jon: ok
Josh: Syria has this Hellenic/Grecian influence at the time
Josh: He orders all Jews to either convert or die
Josh: a standard threat
Jon: ok
Josh: a band of jews called the Maccabees says hells no
Josh: they are led by Judah the Maccabee
Josh: they run into the hills and attack the Syrians, using Geurilla Warfare
Josh: iin the meantime
Josh: …
Josh: hahaha a cutscene
Josh: (meanwhile, back in the city)
Jon: hehe
Josh: the Syrians enter the temple and fuck that shit up
Josh: we're talking burn the torahs, knock shit over, spread feces all around, the works
Josh: the Maccabees are pissed
Jon: hahahahaha
Jon: right
Jon: spreading feces = bad
Josh: i cant remember exactly how they get back into the city and defeat the Syrians, but they do
Jon: ok
Josh: the Maccabees enter the temple and are devestated by what they find
Josh: its getting dark outside and they need to light some lamps soon for warmth
Josh: oil lamps
Josh: all that was left was a half broken menorah
Josh: and one container of oil
Josh: certainly not enough to last even one day
Josh: miracuously, the oil lasts for eight entire days
Jon: oh
Jon: magic oil
Josh: yeah
Jon: i did not know that

Oil that lasts eight entire days. I wish I…STOP! Control yourself, Jon. DO NOT make any unnecessary masturbation jokes. NO! Don't do it. Move your hands away from the keyboard. Atta boy. Good job.

Last year, I staged Hanukkahthon, an eight-day online celebration of Judaism, anchored by a Jon Stewart piece. This year, while I'm too much of a slacker to stage another Hanukkahthon, I thought it'd be cool to resurrect the Stewart piece for everybody's enjoyment. No previous Judaic knowledge necessary. Without further ado, this is "The New Judaism" by Jon Stewart:

There is no doubt Judaism in America has reached an important crossroads. The figures are astonishing. Fifty percent of all currently single American Jews will intermarry, 10 percent will convert to another religion and half of the remaining 40 percent will help them convert or intermarry by watching their dogs. The Rabbinical Congress has estimated that by the year 2010, Jewish life in America will have deteriorated to the point where a Seinfeld reunion special will be a non-sweeps event, perhaps even buried in summer reruns. The certainty of this apocalyptic prediction was hotly contested by a small but vocal contingent of rabbis. They threatened to walk out of the proceedings unless the suffix ish was added to the predicted year 2010. Rabbi Tarfon punctuated the debate by shouting, "I mean, can we really be sure about the year?" before disrobing and setting fire to his caftan. Rabbi Benjamin Rosenzweig then sparked a near riot from the Orthodox contingent with his barbed query "if 'ish,' why not 'or so'?" while Rabbis Eliezer and Johnson exchanged blows over whether or not Fruit Smoothies were kosher. Calm was restored only after the elders' promise of a fall seminar on the grooming of long beards.

Cause for alarm? Judaism has a long and storied history of surviving threats of extinction.

The Spanish Inquisition
In 1492, led by Ferdinand and Isabella, the Christians conquered the last of then Muslim Spain. They immediately decreed all Jews must convert to Christianity or be expelled. Many Jews left. Many Jews, however, had already put money down for time-share condos in Majorca, and had no choice but to convert or lose their deposit. Those Jews who stayed in Spain converted to Christianity, only to be systematically hunted down during the Inquisition, accused of heresy against the church for being Jews. This prompted a direct descendant of the great Jewish intellectual Maimonides to protest the inquisition, saying, "Isn't that kind of a catch-22?"

Inquisitor: Are you a Jew?
Jew: No.
Inquisitor: Are you sure you're not a Jew?
Jew: Yes.
Inquisitor: Oh well, sorry to trouble you. Would you like to stay for cake?
Jew: Is it chocolate? I'm allergic to chocolate.
Inquisitor: It's an out-of-this-world lemon pound cake.
Jew: Well, maybe just a nosh…
The Inquisitor smiles a sinister smile.
Jew: Damn.

The Third Reich
The horrors of the Holocaust are well documented. Adolf Hitler's rise to power remains the greatest obstacle to survival Judaism has yet overcome. Hitler's systematic Final Solution was responsible for the death of six million. He was a monster, although it is said that early in his career he would end a particularly virulent anti-Semitic diatribe with the phrase "no offense." Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to view the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

The Burger King Bacon, Egg And Cheese Croissan'wich
A sinful combination of pork, cheese and egg. The Triple Crown of nonkosher living – why does it have to be so delicious?

Judaism has shown remarkable resilience in the face of great external threat. But these threats have been nearly eliminated in America. Total assimilation is the new threat to American Judaism and is more sinister because it goes to the core problem. Judaism is no longer able to compete in a free market religious environment. Although pizzazz sounds like it could be Yiddish word, it's something Judaism is sorely lacking. We must present a new Judaism. To understand what is necessary, we must first understand the fundamentals as they exist now.

Modern American Judaism can be broken down into three simple categories.

Orthodox Jews, or, as they are known in the Talmud, the Really Chosen Ones, are committed to the idea that the entire Torah was dictated by God verbatim to Moses at Mount Sinai. Therefore all the original Torah's laws must be obeyed as written. Other forms of Judaism dispute this claim, although it does explain certain passages in the first Torah, such as "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" and "What do you like better, Moses, Lord Almighty or Big Hoohah?" Orthodox Jews observe a strict Sabbath, the separation of sexes during worship and believe Jackie Mason is the funniest man alive. They are also rumored to engage in sex only through a hole in their bedsheets, a falsehood that spread after a particularly wild Halloween party at the Mendelsohns'.

Conservative Jews are Orthodox Jews who went coed, reportedly after one of their more influential members attended a mixer at Barnard. They generally believe the Torah was passed down from God to Moses, but was edited or at least spell-checked first. The main difference between Conservative and Orthodox Jews is summed up beautifully in Conservative Rabbi Mishner's seminal work titled Hey Fellas, How 'Bout We Take It Down a Notch? Conservatives believe Woody Allen is the funniest man alive.

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair. They believe the Torah is very long and hard to read because it's written in a foreign language. They are not required to adhere to any strict religious doctrine but are still able to take off work on at least 75 percent of all Jewish Holidays. They believe Carrot Top is the funniest man alive.

A Comparative Chart

DREAM JOB Rabbi Doctor VJ
DIETARY CODE Strict Kosher Zabar's Liposuction
MUSIC Klezmer Streisand Gospel
MOVIE Shoah Schindler's List Anything with Steve Guttenberg
DREAM WIFE Mom Amy Irving Kate Capshaw
SABBATH A day of worship A day of reflection Saturday
FAVORITE BASEBALL PLAYER Hank Greenberg Sandy Koufax Ken Griffey Jr.
HOMOSEXUALITY A sin A sin…but oh, what they've done for
Broadway theater
Something that happened at camp
GUILT Total Total Total

No present form of American Judaism currently has the appeal to sustain us as a people through the next millennium. A new Judaism must be created to battle the erosion of our population caused by defection, apathy and blondes. If we don't watch out, the Hare Krishnas will soon be kicking our ass.

The Children. There is a fable in Deuteronomy: A poor farmer from the Tribe of Levi came one day to King Solomon, the wisest of kings and the only one who could juggle. The farmer begged Solomon for his wisdom. "My only son has lost a baby tooth. All day and night he cries for reparation. He suffers loudly…even the cattle have complained." Solomon looked up from his crossword puzzle, pondered the farmer's dilemma and spoke. "Cut this child in half. Each family can have one half. This will end the dispute." The farmer looked stricken. "Gotcha!" said Solomon. "I'm sorry, sometimes I can't help myself." The farmer sighed. "How old's the boy?" asked Solomon. "Four plantings and half a harvest," replied the farmer. "Okay, here's what you do," continued the wise king, "Tell the boy to put the tooth under his pillow tonight. When he sleeps, replace the tooth with a piece of candy or a quarter. Tell him the…I don't know, the Angel of Teeth came down to reclaim his property. This will solve your problem." "Who would believe that?" the farmer asked skeptically. "What is lightning?" asked Solomon. "God testing batteries," the farmer replied. Solomon looked at the farmer knowingly. "Oh…I see what you mean," said the farmer. Solomon smiled, "Want to see me juggle two olives and a pomegranate?"

What is the point? People will believe anything if you catch them early enough.

Our God
The Jewish concept of God is too difficult to fathom. An omniscient, omnipotent Peeping Tom who loves us and smites our enemies. Although recent history suggests he's a little slow on the smiting. We were created in his image, but you can't see him or describe him. And why did he give us so much back hair?

The Christians had it right. Want to worship Jesus? Here's a picture of him on the wall next to the refrigerator. There's even one on black velvet. Not enough? Look at these movies he did. Long hair, sad eyes, trim…not a bad-looking fellow. Put him on your dashboard and go! He's even got his own musicals. As Nietzsche wrote, "God is dead. But he lives on at the Brooks Atkinson Theater in a spectacular revival of Godspell."

If Judaism wants to compete, we need to personify our vision of God. In the new Judaism, God will now be referred to as Uncle Pete. A friendly gentleman in his forties, Uncle Pete is still all-powerful but he's also tangible. He's about five feet ten, although his license says six feet, 170 pounds, and smells like a freshly baked pie. Wondering how God could let his children die? Well, let's get ol' Uncle Pete in here and find out. I'm sure he has a reasonable explanation!

Our History
The history of the Jewish people has been described in many scholarly manuscripts as "the shit end of the stick." Even the recently translated Dead Sea Scrolls end with the phrase "Watch your back." The threat of persecution has not been offset by the promise of an occasional nice brisket. The New Judaism will deemphasize historical trouble for a more positive outlook. Up to now being the Chosen Ones has brought nothing but trouble. In the New Judaism, all Chosen Ones will receive a value pack worth hundreds of dollars in discounts at participating vendors (for example, 10 percent off any dinner at Friendly's, with purchase of Fishamajig sandwich).

Child: Why on this night do we eat bitter herbs?
Adult: To remind us of the pain our ancestors felt while enslaved in Egypt.

Child: Why on this night do we eat hot fudge sundaes?
Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they're delicious!

Our Laws
The key word here is simplify. The Torah and Old Testament are all over the place. Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. Not only do some rules seem arbitrary, the language is very B.C. The New Judaism simplifies the rules of conduct into a concise, hip, jargon the young people will really go for. The new rules are: Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free; and Be cool.

Our Mascot
"Jews have a mascot?" you ask. No. This is a problem. Any new idea that expects to have legs in the marketplace needs a lovable mascot to represent and brand the product with the populace. Just ask Santa. How many Jews have felt the pain of trying to compete during the Christmas season by concocting a mascot, the personification of their own gift-giving holiday? A Hanukkah Harry, the swarthy man in charge of Jewish kids' presents who waits until the Christmas rush has ended to try and get some decent bargains only to find the good toys gone. The New Judaism takes a page from the playbook of successful ventures like Christianity and R.J. Reynolds with the unveiling of our new character, Jewey. Jewey's a cool, camel-like character (actually Joe Camel with some slight retooling) who brings laughter and joy to all the Kinder. Imagine a Bar Mitzvah boy's excitement at knowing he just became a man, and that Jewey's on his way with money and cigarettes. And here's the best part…He can fly!!

As Karl Marx wrote, "Religion is the opiate of the people, and who couldn't use a little opiate every now and again." People want religion. They like it. It makes them feel secure and confident in a world of uncertainty, besides giving them a place to go on weekends. You just have to make sure your religion is appealing enough. If we are to reduce Portnoy's Complaint to a suggestion, we must leave behind the bounds of the old Judaism and retool. The New Judaism will ensure the continuation and flourishing of the Jewish people well into the twenty-first century. Mazel Tov and All Praise to Uncle Pete.

random steven wright joke

put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brains

Fall quarter ended today. You know what that means? No more Cameron. There was a guy named Cameron in my English 10A discussion section and he absolutely pissed the fuck outta me. I'm sure you've all had a Cameron-type in a class before. He's the pretentiously good student, usually with facial hair, who's always the only person to talk and spews out all this "profound" shit that the teacher eats up. Plus, all the chicks love him because he's Italian and speaks Italian and exudes Italian charm. Ugh. Today, we had to recite selected pieces of English prose and poetry in class. Everybody basically half-assed their recitation just to receive credit, but Cameron got up in front of the class and proceeded to act out Doctor Faustus with dramatic pauses, exaggerated body gestures, and voices. HE EVEN CRIED!!! I hate him. Good riddance.

The National Board of Review released its list of the top ten domestic movies of 2001 on Wednesday:

1. Moulin Rouge
2. In the Bedroom
3. Ocean's Eleven
4. Memento
5. Monster's Ball
6. Black Hawk Down
7. The Man Who Wasn't There
8. A.I. (Artificial Intelligence)
9. The Pledge
10. Mulholland Drive

It's that time of the year again when the media launches a "best of" list blitzkrieg. Take a look at the National Board of Review's list though. In the Bedroom? Monster's Ball? What the fuck? Have you heard of these movies? My point exactly. The media seems to have forgotten that the motion picture industry isn't in the business of making good movies anymore. If anything, it's time the media starts compiling "worst of" movie lists. I'll lead the way. Excluding sequels and B movies, both of which are designed to suck, here's my list of the worst ten domestic movies of 2001:

1. Glitter
"There is good. There is bad. There is worse and terrible and pathetic and painful. Then, there is Glitter."

2. Freddy Got Fingered
"If ever a movie testified to the utter creative bankruptcy of the Hollywood film industry, it is the abomination known as Freddy Got Fingered."

3. Head Over Heels + Summer Catch
"As long as Freddie Prinze Jr. continues to make films, critics around the country will continue to wonder exactly what it is they did to deserve this abuse."

4. Texas Rangers
"Makes American Outlaws look like a John Ford picture."

5. Tomcats
"Let's leave Tomcats in the gutter where it belongs, and re-adjust the levels of cinematic hell, because Porky's just got bumped up a notch."

6. On the Line
"On the Line could have had a future as a gay camp favorite if only it had tried a bit harder. But On the Line isn't even so bad it's funny, like Glitter. It's just bad."

7. The Animal + Corky Romano + Joe Dirt
"Why do you suppose Saturday Night Live stars seem to be no more discriminating when picking movie scripts than zoo monkeys are when they eat their own feces?"

8. 3000 Miles to Graceland
"3000 Miles to Graceland shouldn't be reviewed in an arts section but rather in that portion of the newspaper dedicated to atrocities, environmental disasters and hate crimes."

9. A Knight's Tale
"It will rock you…straight to sleep."

10. Pearl Harbor
"There's no other way to say it: Pearl Harbor is a fucking disgraceful excuse for a movie."

Let's classify Ocean's Eleven in the good-bad-guy-carries-out-elaborate-heist movie genre somewhere behind The Thomas Crown Affair and in front of Out of Sight, another Soderbergh good-bad-guy-carries-out-elaborate-heist movie. It was fun though. Nothing special, but fun.

I updated the ADD Movie Critic archive. I added reviews of Raging Bull and Hannah and Her Sisters. Also, I adjusted grade inflation for a lot of movies. I realized that I was way too tolerant.

A man who allegedly bullied the one and only Slim Shady at school is now suing Eminem to the tune of $1 million for damaging his reputation. The big bully in question, DeAngelo Bailey, denies having bullied Eminem while at school and claims in his lawsuit that lyrics on The Slim Shady LP have damaged his own chances of launching a music career. Hmmm, perhaps this lawsuit was sparked more by jealousy than anything else. In Eminem's song, "Brain Damage," a school bully smashes him against urinals and shoves him into lockers while choking him. Bailey is the alleged bully. In the suit, Bailey's lawyers say, "In his music lyrics, Eminem falsely portrayed himself as the victim of a pattern of outrageous and grotesque physical abuse from his childhood friend Bailey. Eminem publicized lyrics that were intended to damage bailey in order to improve Eminem's reputation as a rap artist."

visible human project

Half Swedish and Half Asian

"We may lose the battle, but we'll win the war." – Alec Baldwin on Pearl Harbor

Did you know that you cannot buy rye bread in Phoenix?

Did you know that the five letter-number combination printed on the plane on the cover of the Beastie Boys' Licensed to Ill record says "eat me" when read in a mirror?

Did you know that you should get your tickets now for The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring if you want to see it opening day?

God, it's easy to laugh at Vanilla Ice.

I mean, come on. He's Vanilla Ice, for chrissakes. The hair? The pants? That wretched song he stole outright from Queen? You remember: Kid came from the mean streets of Miami – or at least that was his story, until someone actually checked and found out he was Rob Van Winkle, of the Dallas Van Winkles. No, really. It's too easy – way too easy – to laugh at this guy.

Yeah, well, it just got even easier. Yep: The Great White Dope is back.

Calling himself V-Ice and collaborating, amazingly, with rap luminaries Chuck D and the Wu-Tang Clan's LA the Darkman (as well as not-so-luminaries Insane Clown Posse), Van Winkle released Bi-Polar in October. He calls the album "a double-CD released on one disc" (that sound you hear is Spinal Tap kicking themselves), and he urges fans to listen with an open mind: "Listen to the music," he says. "If you like the song, like the song, man. I guarantee you if you just lend me an ear and check out the new music, you'll dig the music."

Well, no, that's not true either. Bi-Polar is, in fact, every bit as bad as you'd expect. Skabz, the "first disc," features eight tracks of artless rap-metal sung in a clichéd Cookie Monster growl and highlighted (barely) by guitarwork from Josh Brainard, late of Slipknot. "Bloody master psycho creature / Beware of the freak of nature," goes a sample lyric from "Mudd Munster," a nightmare narrative about some kind of yeti who trolls the killing fields "outside of New Orleans" (no, really). "Screams of pain coming from the mud / Streams of rain to cover up the blood / Half-human, half-gorilla / Saskatchewan, cannibal killer."

Yes. Not Sasquatch. Saskatchewan.

Not that things get any better on Tha System, the album's 16-track "second disc" (did I mention that it's all on one disc?). Making like Marvin Gaye on "Hot Sex," Ice raps, "Me and you baby, doin' the sex / All night, make it so hot, so nice / I like just the way you make me feel alright tonite / Time for the candle wax and Ice, on the fly carpet ride of life." Oh baby.

Honestly, by any critical standard, Bi-Polar is a train wreck. And Vanilla Ice couldn't care less. "It's just about doing what I want to do," he says. "I just want to keep people interested and cater to the ones who appreciate what I'm doing. And the other ones who don't appreciate, who are player hatin'? Fuck 'em. I don't care if they buy my record or not. I'm not trying to win somebody over who's player-hatin' on a stupid image, or a name. I purposely didn't change my name, because I faced my adversities. I'm not running from anything, I'm not trying to hide anything."

So "V-Ice" – that's not a name change?

"Fuck no, that's not a name change! Vanilla Ice, that's who I am. You know, you think of people who change their name, like Prince? Everybody knows that's fucking Prince. How'm I gonna hide? I ain't trying to hide."

Besides, he says, he has good reason to hang on to his identity. After all, he argues, Vanilla Ice changed the history of hip-hop.

No, seriously.

"Dude, just open your eyes," he says. "Nobody before me sold that many records in hip-hop. I put hip-hop in front of people's ears who never considered listening to it. And now, you go to a DMX concert, or a Redman concert, and there's 85 percent white kids there, man. And the [hip-hop] record sales are all out in suburban areas. So I don't need to say it – it's kind of obvious – but people just overlook it. They don't want to give me credit for anything."

Van Winkle laughs. But for once, you'd have to agree that he has a point. Yes, To the Extreme sucked. To the extreme. But somehow (national insanity?), it sucked to the tune of more than 7 million copies in four months. Sure, you never owned it. But someone you know did, probably a few people, and this at a time when hip-hop just didn't sell like that.

Vanilla Ice's success led to inevitable comparisons with Elvis Presley, another white guy who made it big singing what had been predominantly black music. Of course, Vanilla Ice is no Elvis, so the comparison doesn't really hold up. But let's compromise. Maybe he wasn't the Elvis of rap. Maybe he was the Bill Haley of rap. Either way, he helped open up the world of hip-hop to a whole new audience. There's something to be said for that.

And anyway, Rob Van Winkle says he doesn't worry about his place in hip-hop history. After all, he made his fortune a decade ago (and actually held on to it, making him a rarity). He doesn't need your recognition any more than you need his.

"I'm gonna live my life regardless," he says. "Ain't nothing you can do to me. Hate on me? I've been hated on. You think it affects me? If it did, I wouldn't be doing this, you know? I don't have to do any of this shit. I don't have to go out and face my critics, I don't have to do shit. I could sit home, and build my homes, and mow my lawn."

So yeah, go ahead, laugh at Vanilla Ice. That shit is easy. But give him credit – at least the guy knows enough to laugh back. [obligatory aegis to Dan Reines]


Pogo Pogo Pogo Pogo Pogo Pogo Pogo

Shit! I got my fucking period!

I'm not whoring myself to Ty; I just have to bring this up:

Doesn't he look like a young Thom Yorke? The similarity is uncanny.

One class down, one class to go. I took my Film and TV 106A 90-minute blue book final examination today. I've never written in such sloppy handwriting before. I hate sloppy handwriting. I said last week that I don't like school and I don't think I'll try anymore and I kept my word. How did I do on my 106A final? About as good as a person who never read the textbook and relied solely on self-taught knowledge could do on a four essay test. My philosophy? Aim low. As long as I get a B, I'll be happy. Nowadays, Bs make me content. If I get an A…even better, but hell if I'm gonna actually try for an A – it's too much work.

paper 1 (20%) = A-
paper 2 (20%) = A-
midterm (20%) = A+
final exam (20%) = ?
participation (20%) = ?

I'm-a pass the class. Unless something goes horribly wrong with my participation grade, I'm-a pass. I talk a lot in class. It may be to myself, but talking is like masturbating without the mess. Try it sometime.

What is it with classes and participation grades? It's such a bullshit grade, because students'll just participate for the sake of the grade, despite having nothing worthwhile to say. Moreover, I seriously doubt a teacher will dock the grade of a student who aces every test and paper simply because he or she didn't open their mouth in class. It's psychological torture for shy kids, basically.

In other news, I almost saw The Royal Tenenbaums tonight. Almost. Scheduled to play for free at the James Bridges Theater on campus tonight, I waited for an hour-and-a-half only to be told that the lady who was supposed to bring a print of the movie could not be contacted all day and never showed up. And for this, she's going to hell.

MGM has captured Steve Irwin, fearless star of the Animal Planet series The Crocodile Hunter's Croc Files, for his own feature movie. Crocodile Hunter – Collision Course has begun shooting in and around the northern Australian city of Brisbane. Details of the shoot are being kept tightly under wraps, but the film is said to portray elements of Irwin's unconventional life.

Jord told me to do it. "DO IT," he said. "DOOOOO IT!!!" Well, I did it. I finally bought a game for my Gamecube. What can I say? I'm hooked on Super Smash Bros. Melee. It's an inexplicably fun game.

Because I bought a game, I finally opened the Gamecube box and set up the hardware. However, the Gamecube itself appeared as if it had been tampered with. There were smudges and scratches all over it.

It seems that no matter what I do, I can't help but buy merchandise that appears as if it's been tampered with. I'm cursed. Previously, it was just the DVDs I bought that appeared to have been tampered with. [sigh] Add the Gamecube to the list. This can't possibly be good for my OCD. When I noticed a little scratch on the side of my Office Space DVD case, I proceeded to scratch up the entire case so that that particular scratch could not be seen. I'm tempted to do the same with my Gamecube, but that's a lot of scratching. I dunno… For now, I'll reluctantly let it be.

I talked to Lee (the unofficial third member of Tenacious D, has a song written about him on the D record) today and along with spilling the secrets of how to make a guy in a sasquatch costume realistically shit, he confirmed that on January 19, 2002, Jack Black will host Saturday Night Live with musical guest The Strokes.

Rap groups Wu-Tang Clan and Mobb Deep said on Wednesday they were releasing songs from upcoming albums for use on cell phones before releasing them to stores. The unusual move comes as a result of an agreement between the bands' label, Loud Records, and mobile entertainment company Zingy, which provides thousands of downloadable ringtones. More and more companies and artists are beginning to take note of the growing market for jingles that play on cell phones, which is expected to grow into a multibillion dollar market. The singles "Hey Luv" and "Burn" from Mobb Deep's upcoming album Infamy in stores on December 11 are available now at Before the album is available in stores on December 18, Wu-Tang's ringtones for "(Uzi) Pinky Ring," "Rules" and "Ya'll Been Warned" from the album Iron Flag will be available for free from the Zingy web site.

Great… Now all my classes can be interrupted by Wu-Tang Clan songs! The cell phone jingle has to be the single most annoying generation excess ever invented. I can't sit through a single lecture class without hearing a phone go off and subsequently, a stupid ass jingle. You'd think by now that people would have enough sense to turn off their fuckin' phones in class.

It's always the same scenario:
1 – jingle goes off while teacher lectures
2 – teacher pretends to ignore annoying jingle and lectures through interruption
3 – sound of rustling through backpack permeates classroom (sometimes, rustling noise extended when phone is well-hidden)
4 – owner of phone finds phone, fuckin' LOOKS AT IT, and then turns the ringer off

For my Bay Area brethren, WWF superstar Rob Van Dam will be doing an autograph signing at Pro Star Sports at the Great Mall of the Bay Area in Milpitas on Friday at 6 P.M. For more info you can call 408-945-9400.

Apparently Marilyn Manson can't keep his crotch to himself – for the second time in four months he's been accused of rubbing his crotch on a security guard's head. David M. Diaz of Anoka County, Minnesota, filed a $75,000 civil suit against Manson on Tuesday in a Minneapolis federal court, according to a court spokesperson. Diaz, a security guard working the front barricade at Minneapolis' Orpheum Theatre, said the controversial rocker grabbed his head, held his hips against it and gyrated. The incident allegedly took place October 27, 2000, during the first show of Manson's Guns, God and Government tour. Diaz is claiming battery and emotional distress, ridicule and shame, mental anguish, embarrassment, and humiliation as a result of Manson's actions, the court spokesperson said. Manson is involved in a similar legal tangle stemming from a July Ozzfest stop in Clarkston, Michigan. A security guard there filed criminal charges of felony fourth-degree criminal sexual conduct and misdemeanor assault and battery against Manson in August. The complaint claims Manson spat on the guard's head and then, while clad only in a G-string, rubbed his genital area on the man's head and neck.

buffy's swearing keyboard

Dresden Firestorm

Sadness is a cold machete.

After starting the season with six victories and hopes of a national title, UCLA will skip any bowl game following a late-season collapse.

Gary Beck, executive director of the Humanitarian Bowl in Boise, Idaho, confirmed Tuesday that the 7-4 Bruins won't be one of the participants. The Bruins said going to the New Year's Eve game would have resulted in a $300,000 loss.

Since the Bruins finished sixth in the Pac-10 with a 4-4 record, they didn't get an automatic bowl bid, extended to the top five finishers. That left the Silicon Valley Bowl in San Jose and the Humanitarian Bowl as the only possibilities.

Michigan State was selected Sunday to face No. 19 Fresno State in the Silicon Valley Bowl, leaving the Humanitarian Bowl as the only possibility. [obligatory aegis to Mr. Josh]

Happy 20th birthday, Greg. Here's your FUCKIN' birthday plug. Happy now?

Rage Against The Machine's first studio album since the departure of singer Zack de la Rocha is tentatively set for a February 26 release. The as-yet-untitled album will mark the debut of new vocalist Chris Cornell, formerly of Soundgarden, whose long-rumored membership in the group was confirmed in May.

Irish vocalist Ronan Keating and U.S. teen vocalist Mandy Moore will co-host the inaugural MTV Asia Awards February 2 at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. World Wrestling Federation star The Rock will serve as a guest host along with other Asian hosts and presenters yet to be announced. MTV is billing the event as Asia's biggest music awards show ever.

Kid Rock's feelings about his new single for "Forever": It is kind of a continuation of old videos, it's nothing really new. It wasn't my first pick actually to do, but with the powers that be, there it is. I can't wait 'til we move on and get a bit deeper into the record 'cause there's a lot more substance to it than just the old "Kid Rock, here I come with my American flags and strippers and middle finger in the air".


Tim Allen Is Not Very Funny

Ar ar ar ar explosions ar ar ar.

Hell: where is it? I'm sure everybody has been told to go to hell at least once in their lives. Some people even tell themselves that they're going to hell. Personally, I'd prefer to go to Vegas, but hell sounds good too. Where the hell is hell though? I live in Los Angeles. I've been to New Jersey. I haven't seen any signs for hell yet. I've seen a sign for Hell's Kitchen, but that's Hell's…Kitchen. I don't wanna go to Hell's fuckin' Kitchen; I wanna go to hell!!! Maybe hell doesn't exist. Maybe it's one of those things that you're conditioned to believe actually exists, like justice and the midwest. I believe in hell though. I plan, no I WILL, go to hell before I die. Mark my words. Also, I hope airlines offer "get out of hell free" cards, because if I'm-a spend a shitload of money on travel expenses, I want insurance that hell will be a fun ass place to visit.

Fox has announced a January 23 8:00 pm airdate for That 80s Show, the new comedy from the creators of That 70s Show. Isn't it a bit pre-nostalgic to be making a show about the 80s? I mean, I'm not even finished with puberty yet and Hollywood already wants me to relive it all over again.

Jon: Can I have the chicken and some pasta?
Lunchlady: If you smile…
Jon's Interior Monologue: "If you smile…" What the fuck is that bullshit? You're a fuckin' lunchlady! Shut the fuck up and give me my fuckin' food! Bitch.
[Jon smiles]

On February 3, U2 will headline the E*Trade Super Bowl XXXVI halftime show at the Superdome in New Orleans. "This year's show will take on new meaning in light of recent world events," NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue said in a statement. "We are pleased that the spectacular talent of U2 will become part of our Super Bowl halftime tradition." Whoo.

Paul: What'd you think of the Destiny's Child Christmas record I gave you?
Jon: Whaaa? Oh that! I thought the coaster, er, record you gave me was…good.
Jon's Interior Monologue: Bull-SHIT!!! Does the world really need to hear every single fuckin' pop star sing "Jingle Bells"? Just because this record has Beyoncé's stank on it doesn't make it not suck. And what kind of affirmative action record title is 8 Days of Christmas? Either Christmas inexplicably lost four days or the members of Destiny's Child are secretly Jews for Jesus.
Jon: Yeah. I think I'm-a get a copy for my friend.
Jon's Interior Monologue: Yeah. I think I'm-a give this piece of shit away.

System of a Down vocalist Serj Tankian is currently working on an LP with Armenian multi-instrumentalist Arto Tuncboyaciyan. Tankian plans to release the as-yet-untitled disc next summer on his label Serjical Strike. Tankian first met Tuncboyaciyan at last year's Armenian Music Awards, where the multi-instrumentalist was creating flute sounds with a Coke bottle while banging polyrhythmically on a tambourine. Tankian was so impressed by Tuncboyaciyan's performance he invited him to work on SOAD's sophomore record Toxicity. Tuncboyaciyan recorded an outro after "Aerials" and a mid-section in "Science," and during the recording sessions, he and Tankian became friends.

[knocking on door]
Jon's Interior Monologue: Goddammit. Go away! I'm trying to masturbate here!
Jon's Interior Monologue's Interior Monologue: But your dick's limp…
Jon's Interior Monologue: A boy can try, can't he? [sigh] Ah, fuck it.
[Jon opens door]
Jon: Hello.
Jon's Interior Monologue: Well, fuckin' A! It's none other than fascist cracker wonderboy!
Kyle the RA: Hey Jon. Listen, have you filled out a residential life survey yet?
Jon's Interior Monologue: Hell no! Why bother?
Jon: No, not yet.
Kyle the RA: Well, if you stop by the D2 lounge and fill out a survey, we have cookies! Plus, the floor that fills out the most surveys in our building gets a pizza party!
Jon's Interior Monologue: Cookies and a pizza party? What am I? Six years old? What kind of incentives are those? I can get cookies and pizza at a dining hall…and without having to do jack shit! Look, if it doesn't make me throw up, pass out, or cum, it's not worth the trouble.
Jon: Oh? Cookies? All right. I'll stop by later.
Kyle the RA: Great…
Jon's Interior Monologue: Fuck that! Wrestling's on.

"Now is the time to give it all up. To give up hatred, give up grudges, give up differences because it's not worth it. To spend our lives disliking someone or something, or have grudges…I've had my problems with whoever I've had them with, and whoever had their problem with me or Limp Bizkit. [But] I'm a human, and I'm prepared to step up to that. All of my differences are gone now." – Fred Durst on September 11

After coming under fire from the coroner at the inquest into the death of 16-year-old Jessica Michalik, Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst has now decided he will testify at the inquest. Jessica died as a result of being crushed during Limp Bizkit's set at Australia's Big Day Out festival earlier this year. Durst issued a statement through his lawyers saying he's ready to co-operate with the inquest. It's currently unclear whether he will testify in-person or via video link when the inquest re-opens early next year. According to Bizkit manager Peter Katsis, the band has been deeply affected by the teen's death. "The band will never look at an audience the same way," he said. "This is something that will affect them for the rest of their lives."

Man, what happened to the Fred Durst we loved to hate? It used to be derogatory to call him a pussy. Let me get this straight. First, Fred wants to be a card-carrying member of the Wu-Tang Clan. Now, he wants to be the lead singer of Creed. What's goin' on? Gimme back the Fred Durst who liked to throw bologna on strippers' asses and say things like "swinging on my nuts is a fucked up game."



A Palestinian suicide bomber detonated nail-studded explosives on a bus full of Israelis in the port city of Haifa Sunday, killing 15 people, just hours after Islamic militants set off deadly explosions in downtown Jerusalem. The two suicide attacks and a Gaza shooting killed 26 people – many of them teens – and injured nearly 200.


How long has war been going on in the mideast and why don't more Americans care? Is it because these people live way across the sea? Is that it? When Columbine happened, I never heard the end of it in the news and that was one incident. People die in the mideast every day due to causes worse than mere shootings. Where's the outrage? Where's the sensational 24 hour news coverage? There is none. We feel bad for the people involved for a coupla seconds and then go watch Friends. Let's face it – Americans are selfish. God forbid we put away the flags for a minute and treat human beings like human beings. Oh and I refuse to believe that American apathy stems from a desensitization to violence. I still see people squirm at the movies when nails impale a character's head.

In the early 90s, the Singapore government caned American Michael Fay for tagging. Basically, he broke Singaporean law. If a Singaporean tagged a bunch of places, he or she woulda been caned too. Yet, America was up in arms. "Pardon Michael Fay!" For what? Being American? What makes us better than every other country in the world? What makes American lives inherently more important and more valuable than anyone else's? I guess the luxury of going to Starbucks and not having to worry about suddenly being blown to pieces. Fuck. I hate to support Amnesty International, but Americans really do suck. We're spoiled ignorant brats with no right to be as cynical as we are. And that's all I have to say about that.

Mariah Carey plans to fly to Kosovo to give US troops a Christmas lift. Carey is currently in Europe promoting her latest album Glitter and her forthcoming greatest hits compilation. Following the completion of her promotional duties, the singer will fly out to the Balkans where she will "bring holiday cheer to the thousands of soldiers on the frontline," according to a statement issued on behalf of the star. Start masturbating now, squaddies.

irony plug-ins

Underage Against the Machine

What can I say? I like older women.

Hell week is over. Two all-nighters a day apart really do a number on you. I can't remember the last time I woke up and my eyes didn't hurt. Oh well. I shitted out my papers (without having to ask for any extensions!) and I won't have to write another one for at least a month-and-a-half. Whoo!

You'd think with all this talk about George Harrison that somebody important had died. Cry if you want to, but let us not forget that he was always the lame Beatle, especially when he became all spiritual and shit. Best wishes though to Mr. Harrison in the afterlife. Maybe he can form a musical supergroup with Joey Ramone, John Lee Hooker, and Aaliyah. Call it the Traveling Wilburied.

It's weird. No matter how undeveloped their pop culture radars may be, every Jew I've ever met knows their Beatles songs.

Look who else kicked the bucket! John Knowles, author of A Separate Peace, died Thursday at the age of 75. Yeah, he fell off a tree.

Ty: "im talking hot, like 70°." If that's considered hot in Massachusetts, then Los Angeles must be hell. Wait…

Am I the only person who disliked the movie Behind Enemy Lines? I mean, I enjoy dumbfuck blow shit up action movies just as much as the average guy, and I thought Behind Enemy Lines featured some kickass attention deficit cinematography and editing (straight outta the school of Baz Lurhmann), but the movie came off as total military propaganda (bad propaganda at that) and capitalized on September 11 even more shamelessly than those photomontages of the disaster area put together with Creed songs that you saw on television. I can't believe some people in the audience actually applauded this cheap marketable patriotism. It hurt to see Gene Hackman basically rehash Alec Baldwin's ridiculous role in Pearl Harbor, laughable dialogue in tow.

In fact, so much of Behind Enemy Lines is derivative of other movies: the heavenly choir music juxtaposed with tragic scenes of war, the computer-generated shot of a satellite whooshing around the earth, the premature death of the good guy that always fools his partners, the hard ass military commander who's not so hard ass after all and puts his job on the line to save one of his men, the smile-ridden happy ending set to classic rock music.

Behind Enemy Lines also has no plot. That could be a problem. Bad guys attack Owen Wilson; Owen Wilson escapes. Bad guys attack Owen Wilson; Owen Wilson escapes. Bad guys attack Owen Wilson; Gene Hackman saves the day…and Owen Wilson escapes!!! I felt like I was watching a comedy. At times, Owen Wilson is pursued by the entire Serbian army, which fires at him with machine guns, rifles, tanks – hundreds of rounds of ammo – and they still completely miss him, while all he has to do is aim and fire, and another bad guy dies.

Roger Ebert: "This guy is a piece of work. Consider the scene where Burnett [Owen Wilson] substitutes uniforms with a Serbian fighter. He even wears a black ski mask covering his entire face. He walks past a truck of enemy troops, and then what does he do? Why, he REMOVES THE SKI MASK, revealing his distinctive blond hair, and then he TURNS BACK TOWARD THE TRUCK so we can see his face, in case we didn't know who he was."

Tenacious D will headline a December 20th benefit for the United Mitochondrial Disease Foundation (UMDF) at the House of Blues in Los Angeles. The bill will also feature as-yet-unannounced special guests. The $100 VIP tickets will allow fans to see the show and to attend an after-party with the D, with hors d'oeuvres and a free commemorative poster; $50 tickets are for the show only. Goddammit. I don't wanna go home for the holidays. The Bay Area sucks ass.

"Stanford student wanted for sperm donor. $15k offered. Intelligent, good looking, over 6 ft. tall. No history of self or family addictions." This is not the sort of advertisement readers usually expect to find in the Palo Alto Daily News classified section, but the ad has appeared there for the past two weeks, placed by a Burlingame woman who hopes to find a sperm donor. The 33-year-old woman, who wishes to remain anonymous, said she specifically wants a Stanford University student because she assumes the donor will have a high level of intelligence. "Intellect is a given if they go to Stanford," she said. "And if I meet them and I like them, I'll choose them." Hahahahaha. This lady has obviously never been to Stanford. If you impregnate yourself with the sperm of a Stanford student, your kid won't be smart – he or she'll be alcoholic.

Well, the December movie blitzkrieg begins Friday with Ocean's Eleven, and if you're anything like me, you're gonna lose lots of money to Hollywood this winter. Fear not though, my friends. I am here to help y'all save a buck or two. Behold…

Jonathan Yu's Guide to Cheating at the Movies

You really wanna save money? Go watch matinees. Oh and the following information applies to megamovieplexes in particular. It's hard to cheat a single-screen theater.

I personally don't believe in eating at the movies because it increases your chance of having a bowel movement. Who goes to a theatre to take a shit? I nauseate myself watching people buy tubs of buttered popcorn for the free refills. Mmmm…atherosclerosis. Drinks, on the other hand, I can stand, because everybody pisses at the movies. To avoid paying too much for soda, here's what you do: most theatres will allow you to bring in outside food, even if it's policy not to. Before the movie, visit a Taco Bell and ask for water. The people behind the counter will give you a cup, which you naturally fill with soda at the beverage counter. The manageable size of the Taco Bell water cups makes it so that you can refresh yourself without having to pee DURING the movie. If necessary, feed your hunger at the Bell while you're at it.

Unless you're me, you probably go to the movies with other people…at night. Who the fuck wants to gamble $9 on a movie? Student rates aren't that much cheaper either nowadays. Here's what you do: have one person from your party go up to the ticket window and buy tickets for the whole group. Have this designated ticket buyer ask for one general admission ticket (at a student rate, if possible) and then buy the rest of the tickets at the low low children's rate. Bonus points if the person buying the tickets looks like a liberal Mormon. Once the tickets have been purchased, put all of them in one stack with the adult ticket on top, and make your way into the theatre as a group, with the person in front holding this stack of tickets. The ticket taker (usually an apathetic minority, handicapped person, or teenager) will most likely just tear all of the tickets at the same time, and you're in. Repeat if the theatre double-checks tickets at the auditorium door.

Almost No Tickets
No money? No problem! You can still get into a theatre without paying, although it is a bit trickier. First, make sure that the target theatre isn't double-checking tickets at the auditorium door for the screening you wish to attend. Peek through the glass doors or something. Usually, theatres only double-check tickets for major movies and during the summer. Second, make sure that the target theatre has side exits away from the main entrance. If the prerequisites are satisfied, here's what you do: sucker somebody into buying a ticket, entering the theatre, and discreetly letting you and whoever else in from a side exit.

No Tickets
Wait outside a side exit for somebody to leave the theatre and capitalize on the moment.

Theatre hopping is as American as Yakov Smirnoff. Although it's easier to theatre hop on a typical weekday, with some work, weekend theatre hopping can be carried out successfully. My record is five movies in one Saturday. Weeeee! Here's what you do: get ahold of the movie schedule for the target theatre and plan out your day. Take note of movie running lengths (easily accessible online), and for each movie you want to see, factor in 22 minutes buffer time for pre-show entertainment and potential bathroom breaks. For example, Behind Enemy Lines is an hour and 45 minutes. Add 22 minutes to that and it's two hours and seven minutes. Therefore, if you see the 11:30 am showing of Behind Enemy Lines, schedule the second movie no earlier than 2:37 pm. Moreover, if you happen to visit a theatre where the ushers shoo everybody out of the building after the movie, here's what you do: upon exiting the auditorium, proceed to the nearest bathroom, because the ushers'll usually let you go to the bathroom before kicking you out. Inside the bathroom, find a toilet stall, lock yourself inside, and wait there for a good 10-15 minutes. Then, safely exit and hop away. This strategy, however, requires an adjustment to your allotted buffer time. No big deal. It's also advisable to wear interchangeable articles of clothing – a sweater or a hat, maybe – so that none of the theatre employees recognize you by the end of the day.

Have fun at the movies this holiday season!

Jesus ranch. Mary-Kate and Ashley have boy trouble: they don't know who their secret admirers are. Help the teen twins piece together a secret note by completing fun challenges. More than 30 levels have you saving whales as a marine biologist, captaining the cheerleading squad, exploring the physics of mini golf, and joining the yearbook staff as photo editor. Along the way, you can pick your outfit and perform with the dance squad. Just who is the mystery admirer? Multiple endings will keep you guessing.

More Fast and Furious, the second soundtrack from the summer blockbuster The Fast and the Furious, will make history when it hits stores December 18 as the first major-label release with built-in copy-protection technology. The technology is hardly perfect, and some consumers are concerned the industry is jumping the gun to protect copyrighted music and releasing CDs with flawed devices that diminish sound quality and prohibit CDs from playing on some components. Universal is including disclaimer stickers on the More Fast and Furious packaging notifying consumers of possible playback difficulties on DVD players, game consoles and Macintosh computers. They have also asked retailers to offer a full refund to those who have trouble playing the CD and have added inserts in the CDs that direct the consumer to a customer care center or website for assistance. [groan] Didn't the record industry learn anything from medieval times? Chastity belts are a hassle and don't fuckin' work.

virtual sex machine