Number Three Pencils

German schoolgirl Annika Irmler has licked her way into the Guinness Book of Records with her whopping seven centimeter tongue. "My friends always said I had an incredibly long tongue – I could make lots of money with it one day," said Annika. The twelve-year-old from Tangstedt, near Hamburg, can lick the ice cream from the bottom of a cone – while her friends have to use their fingers. "I'm just proud that now people everywhere can read about me and my tongue," she said.

This story is funny in so many ways.

Starting November 26, Jeopardy! will double the dollar amounts on its question and answer board, raising the minimum amount to $200 from the current $100 and the top amount to $2,000 from $1,000. The move marks the first time award amounts have been raised in the show's current 18-year run that dates back to 1984. "I have long said that the contestants are the real stars of our show," said Alex Trebek, the program's longtime host who has sported a new look of his own this season as he took to the air without his trademark mustache. "It is great to see that our players will be rewarded even more for their hard work and vast knowledge." Of course, if you really want to win money, be a contestant on Hollywood Squares. "I agree." "I disagree." "Correctamundo! Here's the state of Rhode Island! Retail value: $35,000!"

From the "excess information" department, I had a horrible bout of hair trigger erectile response today. Unless an invisible Britney Spears or pony was in my room, I don't have a good explanation as to why the damn thing would NOT go limp. I realize that nowadays it's important to be patriotic and everything, but there's a time and a place to "sieg heil," and it's not when I'm standing in front of the toilet dying to let piss out. All work and no play makes my hand a dull toy. Dammit! How does Bob Dole do it?

More than 28 years after Bruce Lee's death, computer technology will resurrect the kung-fu icon to star in the chopsocky actioner Dragon Warrior, the first time a dead actor will be re-created in a major movie role. The $50 million picture's South Korean financier, ShinCine Communications, acquired rights to Lee's likeness from Concord Moon, which represents the Bruce Lee estate and is overseen by Lee's widow, Linda Lee Cadwell, and his daughter, Shannon Lee. Now in its third draft by Korean and Japanese writers, Dragon will be translated and further refined for an English-language production. Shannon Lee said the family agreed to do this project, "because we believe in ShinCine's and Mr. Shin's enthusiasm and commitment to making a first-rate film."

Can you believe this shit? $50 million for a fuckin' video game! Let's face it – Bruce Lee movies are cool because it's actually Bruce Lee doing the martial arts, not…pixels. Did the producers not learn anything from Jar-Jar Binks? It's hard to care about people who try to present themselves as real but in actuality aren't. I mean, look at Demi Moore. [pause] Oh well. I guess you can't expect much from the motion picture industry. I'm sure there's already a Beverly Hills Ninja 2 in the works.

All right, I've been meaning to post something worthwhile on the site, something more than news pieces, but I always get sidetracked. I feel like my recent posts have been a total letdown both to me and my audience. I'm-a get my act together in due time and churn out some original material goodness. Whoo!

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