Cannibal Holocaust

Okay, whoever keeps sending me these beautiful Photoshop pieces involving Telcobox Mike, I appreciate your input, but if you wanna bash Mike, be civil about it and do it on a WankerCounty comments board.

What the hell happened to WankerCounty? It used to be so wholesome. Back in the day, the WC boys would chastise Jord for using the word "shit." Nowadays, I don't know whether I'm looking at WankerCounty or Dr. Seuss' Stile Project. I mean, the WC boys aren't old enough to legally watch an R-rated movie yet, let alone besmirch the internet with their brand of vile language and heterosexual pornography. WankerCounty coulda been something. It coulda been a contender, instead of a dirty dirty website, which is what it is. Goddamn you, puberty! GODDAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

In the interest of fairness, here's how to make a WankerCounty post:

If your name is Jord…
1. smoke crack
2. assemble several random journal entries together
3. supplement with lots of images of yourself
4. basically, build a digital shrine to yourself
5. repeat frequently
6. (optional) announce that you are taking a break from the site only to return shortly and expect much praise
7. (also optional) good spelling, grammar, and punctuation

If you name is Jon…
1. posts? what posts?
If your name is Bob…
1. be sure to write in ebonics
2. adopt a nickname for yourself and declare that "you are here"
3. insert a short humorous piece revolving around the school you currently attend
4. declare that "you are leaving"

If your name is Matt…
1-10. ask for fanpics
11. show off the few fanpics received
12-20. ask for more fanpics

If you name is Tony…
1. post images of yourself with crazy-funny facial expressions (wide open eyes a plus!)
2. post images of yourself playing with shit in your room
3. post images of yourself with crazy-funny facial expressions playing with shit in your room
4. plug your article

If your name is J-Ram…
1. do everything in your power to come off as a complete fuckin' moron

The UCLA men's basketball season kicks off tonight. Whoo! Ever since my school's football team decided to suck B-C-ass, I've been awaiting the day I could rub FOUR RETURNING STARTERS in people's faces. I've said it before and I'll say it again: college basketball is the best spectator sport ever. Short games, tall men, one helluva good time. Krzyzewski still must die though.

*NSYNC, Bon Jovi, and Christina Aguilera have signed on to perform at the closing ceremonies of the 2002 Olympic Winter Games on February 24. The question is: will any of them still be relevant come next February?

I grew up spending my afternoons watching shows like Tiny Toon Adventures and Fun House, so it's sad to hear that Fox is getting out of the weekday kids television business and will hand the two-hour afternoon block back to affiliates. Fox Kids will still exist as a four-hour block on Saturdays, but affiliates will be allowed to start programming the 2-4 p.m. time period themselves starting December 31. [sigh]

It's that time again. Grades! I got an A- on my first film paper and an A+ on the film midterm. On the other hand, I got a C on my first English paper. The TA said it was "arbitrary" and "cursory." Whatever, dude.

Now, I'm no stranger to receiving Cs, Ds, and even Fs in school and honestly, I don't particularly care that I got a C on this paper. Like any college paper, it was, after all, churned out in one night. What bothers me, however, is that the road to a successful career in America today plays like a game of Jenga, where one bad move can topple the whole tower. If this is how it's gonna be, then why is my immediate fate in the hands of unattractive incompetent prick TAs?

Unlike my peers, I was slow to pick up on the fact that school sucks, but after 14 consecutive months of seeking higher education, I've grown to loathe the painfully incessant cycle of reading boring texts, writing shitty papers, and regurgitating the boring texts in a blue book under time constraints twice a quarter. Plus, thanks to the undergraduate liberal arts policy of the University of California, I'm forced to subject myself to the latter cycle in classes that I have absolutely no interest in. Stupid general education requirements. Why must I explicate Baldassare Castiglione's The Courtier when all I really wanna do in life is get chokeslammed off the top of a steel cage and direct music videos for Linkin Park?

You know what we need to bring back? Apprenticeships.

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