My Only Friends Are Make Believe

The word "fuck" does not begin to describe how pissed off I am at Velcrocox for messing with my site yesterday, but I don't wanna talk about them today. This is a special post.

Last year, I came up with an idea for a big budget summer blockbuster, but in light of recent events (how many times have you heard that phrase?), it'll probably never be made. Oh well. I can dream, can't I? The following are the incomplete production notes for my take on a summer movie, originally entitled Santa Claus Takes Over The World, but later retitled…

Synopsis: Nick Clausen is the head of Dinsey, the world's leading toy manufacturer. Frustrated with his industry's egregious abuse of capitalist practices, Clausen goes crazy, adopts the persona of "Santa Claus," and plots to destroy capitalism on Christmas Day. He does so by producing and marketing the hot toy of the holiday season (Tickle Me Namblo) and feeding the demand of a greedy public unaware that inside each Namblo is a cartridge of weaponized smallpox waiting to blow via remote control.

Most summer movies strive for PG-13 rating in order to maximize profits, but I like sex, violence, and foul language, so my movie will be rated "R," lock, stock and barrel.

I also want my movie to hit theaters on the lucrative Independence Day weekend so I can market it with the tagline "this year, celebrate Christmas in July."

I cast a lot of internet people because I think they'll work for cheap and thus, I can lower the movie budget by eschewing the SAG minimum wage. Let's meet the featured players (leave your mouse cursor on a picture for the actor's name):

Ogre of Punogre

I wanted somebody who did NOT look heroic whatsoever in the lead protagonist role, an anti-hero, if you will.

Dennis Hopper

I want Santa to smoke, have a well-trimmed goatee instead of a froofy beard, and wear a slick red suit instead of the traditional Santa get-up.


Tony of Wanker CountyBob of Wanker County
Jon of Wanker CountyJ-Ram of Wanker County

I thought it would be amusing if there was a dead guy wearing a tutu just lying there in Santa's headquarters throughout the movie. Here's hoping that the other three guys are as short as they claim to be in real life.

Jord of Wanker County

Henchmen in movies never have seem to have any friends or relatives, so I decided to give Santa's elfmen a buddy not only to play against banality, but also to provide a peculiar second foil for Santa.

Robert of Wanker Nation Bea Arthur
Anthony Michael Hall Dan of Just Plain Dan

Can't have a movie without Anthony Michael Hall.

The Rock
Joe of Hoe Hater
Matt of Hoe Hater
Britney Spears
Andy Dick Matt of Wanker County

Yes, he's gonna put on a fat suit and lots of make-up.

Corporate Holiday was originally set in New York City, but I needed an mixed locale that was closer to the upper American midwest for logistical narrative purposes. Neither Minnesota nor Wisconsin have cities that balance ghetto and suburban areas well, so Detroit was selected. Geography is simply one of the many plotholes I have yet to work out.

Remember, this is a summer movie. I have other (quality) movie ideas, but Corporate Holiday is my summer movie and makes no pretense of being, well, good. It's designed to be fun throwaway entertainment.

Chapters:

1. Detroit What?
• December 23 | afternoon
• at a toy store, a man and a woman fight over the last Tickle Me Namblo in stock
• out of nowhere, the building explodes
• insert movie title card
• cut to a commercial for the Namblo, reminiscent of those kiddie doll commercials where girls delight in making a toy take a piss
• Juan's 6-year-old son Wesson marvels at this commercial that interrupted his afternoon cartoon viewing and proceeds to beg his mother Maria for a Namblo
• while Maria tries to shut Wesson up without giving in, the phone rings
• it's Maria's husband Juan calling from work to inform her that he's cutting out early for a romantic evening
• meanwhile, Detroit police chief Preston Wilder surveys the toy store ruins and notices that the only toy to get away relatively unharmed by the blast was the fought-over Namblo
• Preston orders an immediate interrogation with the head of Dinsey, Nick Clausen

2. Meet Santa Claus
• at the Dinsey offices, Santa revels in the success of the wake-up explosion with his little helper Tommy and readies for police questioning
• Tommy appears disturbed by something as yet unknown
• the interrogation is a bust, for Santa denies any involvement with the bombing
• before letting Santa be, Preston requests an unopened Namblo as evidence, and Santa happily grants his request
• Preston sends the brand new Namblo to a local government laboratory for examination

3. The Smell of Science
• the lab in question turns out to be the lab Juan works at
• Juan's colleagues dissect the Namblo and discover a photo-canister-shaped cartridge hidden inside
• several attempts at opening the cartridge fail
• after much frustration on the part of the scientists, the cartridge finally pops open, and a mysterious opaque powder permeates the room
• reactionary lab work leads a computer to quickly identify the substance as variola major, or smallpox
• news breaks

4. Rockefeller Stank
• a phone call interrupts Juan and Maria having hot hot sex
• police inform Juan of the news and instruct him to meet Preston downtown as soon as possible
• Preston demands a follow-up interrogation with Santa, this time with a microbiologist in tow
• Santa and Tommy bail the Dinsey offices as Preston and Juan near, splitting up to escape
• still inexplicably funny in the head, Tommy departs alone in a Chevy Surburban
• heading for his getaway vehicle, Santa exchanges brief eye contact with Juan in the open, and a foot and air chase through the state of Michigan and then some set to either "Never Gonna Come Back Down" by BT featuring M. Doughty or "Genius" by Pitchshifter ensues
• Santa flees in a jet-powered titanium sleigh featuring eight metal reindeer, including a Rudolph, whose nose doubles as a laser gun
• with Preston unable to keep up due to years of extreme donut consumption, Juan steps up, hijacks a police helicopter, and trails Santa close behind
• in the end, Santa escapes (surprise surprise)

5. Snowman's Land
• Santa and Tommy enter Santa's headquarters to find the incompetent elfmen playing video games with a stranger while "get your dreidel on" by pudie tadow plays in the background

Santa: [cough] Who the fuck is he?
Bobo: [preoccupied with playing video games] Oh. That's Jake.
[long pause]
Santa: Well, is that all you're gonna tell me? He's just…Jake?
Mr. X: Yee.
Santa: Thank you, Hero and Leander. Please, enlighten me some more. Who the FUCK is Jake?
Habib: Uh, he's our buddy from high school.
Santa: But you guys dropped outta high school. How can you have friends from high school if you never went?
Mr. X: CS.
Santa: Oh. I see. Regardless, you can't just invite friends over because you feel like it. This place is top secret!
Habib: Jake was bored. His family's out of town, and now that Hanukkah's over, he's kinda lonely.
Santa: Hold on. A JEW? You invited a JEW to Santa's headquarters? Terrific, just terrific.
Bobo: Hey, I'm Jewish.
Mr. X: A little bit. A little bit…
Santa: Shut up, you two! Shit. I can't believe this. I'm trying to avenge the flagrant exploitation of Christianity here and you invite fuckin' Hanukkah Harry over to play Atari!
Jake: It's Nintendo.
Santa: [points at Jake] YOU! You say another word and I'll eat your face and spit it out all over your dick. [sigh] How's this gonna look if the press gets a hold of it? I can see the headline now – Santa and the Jew!
Jake: Word. Santa and the bad ass motherfuckin' Jew!
[Santa stares down Jake]
Santa: I don't like you…
Jake: I don't believe in you…

later…
Santa: Bobo, Mr. X, Habib, get in here.
[the elfmen enter Santa's den]
Mr. X: What the dilly, yo?
Santa: I want a Mrs. Claus.
Habib: Well, what are you telling us for? The whorehouse is right down the street.
Santa: No no no. I want you boys to get me the wife of the guy who was chasing me in the helicopter today. I don't like him.
Bobo: You don't like anybody though.
Santa: Hey, you wanna go back to working at Starbucks, Bobo?
Bobo: Not particularly…
Santa: Then be quiet and keep your mouth on my cock. The camera on Blitzen took some photographs of our mystery man during the escape today and I had Tommy dig up a whole file of information on him. His name is Juan…Juan Smith, and here, look at that piece of ass he's married to. Whoo. I want you to get this woman for me. Oh, and while you're at it, get rid of your buddy Jake.
Habib: Do we have to?
Santa: No, you don't. If you don't, however, I will jam a swizzlestick down your urethras. [pauses to smile condescendingly] All righty then. I'll be expecting a Mary Christmas tomorrow. Hehehe.
Habib: Come again?
Santa: You know…Mary Christmas. Hahaha.
[the elfmen give Santa a blank stare]
Santa: Remember? On the Charlie Brown Christmas special, Sally refers to Mrs. Claus as "Mary Christmas." Haha.
[the elfmen continue to give Santa a blank stare]
Santa: Fuck it. Go play with your tamagotchis and get me a wife.
Bobo: Can we use the blingin' sleigh?
Santa: No. I don't trust you guys with the "blingin'" sleigh, especially with that Jew on board. Take the Yugo.
Mr. X: THE YUGO?
Santa: Yes, the Yugo.
Mr. X: [mumbles] Here's an idea – why don't Yugo screw yourself? Hehehe.
Santa: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Mr. X: Oh…uh…I said, "Why don't Yugo………….girl?"
Santa: Get outta here.

• meanwhile, Tommy sneaks off to freebase (oh no! he's a coke addict)

6. Christmas Evil
• December 24 | early morning
• FBI director Ben Dover and his team take over operations at "ground zero" in Detroit
• having jammed FBI radar, Santa phones "ground zero" and in a righteous monologue, presents a searing indictment of capitalism as justification for his behavior

Santa: Am I worried about flushing my career down the toilet? Nah. Just like Juice Newton used to say, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Time marches on, but my career, well, that's another story." How can I worry about job security when a spectre is haunting America, the spectre of capitalism. I am not a destroyer of corporate America! I am a LIBERATOR of it! The point is, ladies and gentleman, that Greed, for lack of a better word, is bad. Greed is wrong. Greed doesn't work. Greed obscures and distorts the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms – greed for life, for money, for love, for knowledge – has marked the downward surge of mankind. And Greed, you mark my words, will not only destroy Dinsey but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Merry Christmas.
[pause]
Ben: Great… Santa Claus is a communist.

• during the phone call, Santa also confirms the fixture of the Namblo in households across America and announces that he had Tommy program a computer at his headquarters to authorize the detonation of every Namblo on Christmas afternoon
• Ben asks what Santa wants
• Santa replies that he doesn't want anything but justice and hangs up
• Ben orders the confidentiality of the news and vows to find and disarm the computer trigger before total chaos breaks out

7. Deck the Halls
• the elfmen plus Jake arrive at Juan's house in a calm Detroit suburb
• the elfmen tell Jake to stay in the car, storm into the house, bag a lady, and exit to find that the Yugo is gone
• cut to a scene of Jake ordering food at Taco Bell
• the miffed elfmen don't know what to do, stranded in the middle of suburbia with an unconscious woman in a large red sack
• a mail lady approaches and the elfmen scramble to hide the sack, throwing it around without caution
• Jake eventually returns

Jake: Yo.
Bobo: Dude, where the fuck did you go?
Jake: Taco Bell. I was hungry.
Habib: You went to Taco Bell without us? Couldn't you have at least waited until after the theft? I mean, it only took ten minutes!
Mr. X: Yee.
Habib: Besides, what are you, Jewey Jewbert, gonna eat at Taco Bell?
Jake: Tacos, maybe? Come on, you just order food without cheese on it.
Habib: What's a chicken quesadilla without cheese?
Jake: Deeelicious.
Bobo: Just get in the back of the car, stupid ass.

• at "ground zero," Juan receives a phone call: his mom has been kidnapped

8. Some Other Bullshit
Juan: Gimme back my mom! Who does that? Who steals another person's mom? You sick fuck.
Santa: You want your mom?
Juan: I think I'm entitled to her.
Santa: You want her?
Juan: Yeah, I want my mom!
Santa: You can't handle your mom! Not that I want to either. Look, my elfmen fucked up. It wasn't your mom I was after. I wanted your wife.
Juan: Wait a minute. First, you wanna carry out a live-action diatribe against capitalism and now you're stealing wives? You fuckin' megalomaniac. In fact, I don't think you have any real objective at all. Poor little Santa Claus doesn't get enough attention at home so he has to go and spread smallpox and kidnap moms and shit. Look at me! I'm so cool! [pause] Are you a virgin? Is that it? Is the Tickle Me Namblo merely an outlet through which a 60-year-old virgin with repressed homosexual tendencies can take out his sexual frustration on the world? If you're not gettin' laid, the size of your ego is the last thing you need to worry about increasing. Lock and load, douche bag, 'cause you just made yourself a new friend.

• Ben orders FBI agents Apple and Orange to watch over Juan's wife and child
• in the headquarters kitchen, Santa tries to make cookies with J.K., but the two obviously don't get along well, clashing on every issue
• Santa says something that drives J.K. over the edge and she takes a swing at him
• Santa stops J.K.'s pathetic attempt to hit him by catching her wrist, then pulls her to him by the wrist for a passionate kiss with tongue
• cue a nasty sex scene set to "Christmas Time for My Penis" by the Vandals
• meanwhile, still loitering at Santa's headquarters, Jake invites some chicks over for karaoke fun

Jake: Hey hey hey. Check this out, ladies. This song is dedicated to everybody who ever got picked last in gym class. Er, wait. Wrong song. It's track six. [cough] Ready? This song is dedicated to Mr. Clausen, the worst Santa impersonator I've ever met. I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how miserable life is while you're in the world.
[instrumental version of Eminem's "Stan" plays]
Jake: A lump of coal I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
I can't believe it's Christmas morning and there's no gift at all
I thought that this was supposed to be the day to deck the halls
But he forgot them and I'm so mad I'm so mad

Dear Santa, I can't believe you forgot me again
Ain't shit sitting underneath the tree in my den
You didn't bring Legos, or Play-Doh, or Sony
How am I supposed to get to school with no skates or a pony?
I saw you at the mall, sang about you in choir
When my friend called you fake, yo I called him a liar
Now I'd like to grab your neck and set your beard on fire
You know that song about that grandma who got run over by a reindeer who came down and landed right on her?
She got crushed on Christmas eve, now me and grandpa we believe
That's kinda how this is, you coulda made me believe too
Now it's too late, I'm about to convert to a Jew
And all I wanted was a lousy gift under the tree
But now I'm fucked up 'cause you forgot me
I loved you Santa, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream, I hope you dream about elves kicking you in the nuts
And Frosty the snowman icing you up the butt
Santa, I'll explain this real simple
I'm going to see the Rabbi, he's waiting down at the temple
Even circumcision can't be much worse than what I've been through
So next year at this time, send gefilte fish
Happy Hanukkah, St. Dick, 'cause Stan's turning Jewish
[obligatory aegis to Jimmy Kimmel]

• Santa walks by in his underwear smoking a cigarette, not flattered by Jake's mockery of him, but not really caring either because he just had sex, albeit with Bea Arthur
• Tommy… Okay, I don't have a clear blueprint of Tommy's fate. Somewhere along the way though, he gets caught freebasing by Santa and is sent to rehab, a hippie rehab clinic, where he meets Donovan. Donovan then good-willingly handcuffs himself to Tommy in a practice he calls "big brother self-empowerment." Tommy rapidly grows weary of the bullshit hippie rehab, says "fuck it," and bails. A depressing montage set to "My December" by Linkin Park ensues, in which Tommy freebases some more, drinks himself into a stupor, and resolves to kill Santa, all the while handcuffed to a scared shitless Donovan. Tommy returns to Santa's headquarters with a gun to find Jake there by himself. A tense confrontation mediated by cool hand Jake begets a cheesy Dr. Phil-ish therapy session wherein a sobbing Tommy fesses up to seeking solace in cocaine as a result of not feeling loved by Santa.

9. The Volta
Ben: What do you mean we can't locate where Santa's headquarters are? How much land can there be on Earth to search? The guy thinks he's Santa Claus! Have we checked the North Pole?
FBI operative: Yessir. No sign of a Santa complex up there. Besides, logistically, nobody can base an operation like this in Antarctica. The continent is practically uninhabitable. We suspect that he's somewhere in the continental United States. He probably just jammed our radar.
Ben: Oh? WE ARE THE FBI! Our surveillance technology is supposed to be unparalleled in the world! Who sold us this equipment? Ron Popeil? Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
[an angry Ben picks up a nearby FBI operative and "rock bottoms" him through a table]
Ben: [looks around a frozen room] What? [pause followed by a sigh] Does anybody have a lead? What about you, fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut? Help push the movie along with a stunning revelation.
the fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut: Yes, well, it's apparent that we're dealing with a half-ass Santa.
Ben: [raises one eyebrow] …he has one butt cheek?
the fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut: No, um, well, our Santa half-asses everything he does. He has a beard, but not a Santa beard. He wears a red suit, but not a Santa suit. He always seems to do just enough to pass for Santa and nothing more, so you've gotta think from a half-asser's point of view. If you were a half-ass Santa, where would you build your half-ass North Pole? Where in America would you find a desolate snowy locale to set up shop, a place that nobody would visit on their own free will?
[the entire "ground zero" team stops to think]
the entire "ground zero" team: [in unison] North Dakota.

• taking the law into his own hands, Ben leaves for North Dakota immediately, accompanied solely by the fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut
• Juan stays back at "ground zero" to work on potential disease control strategies

10. Consumption Junction
• December 25 | morning
• with a computer in charge of automatically unleashing the joy of smallpox, Santa and the elfmen set out to swap J.K. for Maria
• Wesson, not happy with the kiddie chemistry set he receives from his parents, whines until Maria gives in and agrees to take him to the mall and exchange the chemistry set for a Namblo
• Santa and the elfmen follow Maria, Wesson, and the two FBI agents to a local mall
• observing that Wesson wants to have his picture taken with Santa, corporate Santa pulls a bait-and-switch on the mall Santa
• in a van stationed outside in the parking lot, the elfmen remain on standby, awaiting Santa's word to cut the mall power supply once he nabs Maria, thus ensuring a safe getaway
• in addition, Santa has the elfmen monitoring J.K., who is handcuffed to the van steering wheel
• just as Wesson is about to sit on Santa's lap, the FBI agents realize that corporate Santa has come to town and a short chase through the food court ensues
• while running away, Santa orders the elfmen to cut the mall power by way of a hidden microphone on his chest
• the elfmen, preoccupied with watching haha funny 80s sitcoms in the van, experience a delay in reaction time
• cornered by the FBI agents, Santa dashes into an elevator
• as the elevator moves on up, the elfmen cut the power in the mall, and Santa is trapped in the crowded elevator

Santa: [to the people in the elevator] Excuse me…
[Santa turns around and yells into the hidden microphone on his chest]
Santa: Bobo, you fuckhead! Turn the power back on! Turn the power back on this instant!
Bobo: I thought you wanted us to cut the power.
Santa: Not when I'm in a fuckin' elevator!
Bobo: Oh. You're in an elevator right now? Hahahahaha.
Santa: I swear to God, I'm gonna rip you a new assmouthdickhole if you don't turn the power back on right now, you shit-eating cracker fuck!
[potty mouth Santa shocks the people in the elevator]
Bobo: Okay, okay… Jeez. Somebody's on the rag. By the way, I wasn't the one who cut the power. Mr. X did.
Santa: Whatever. Just turn the power back on!
Mr. X: Yo Santa.
Santa: The fuck do you want, Mr. X?
Mr. X: You stuck in an elevator?
Santa: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I AM currently stuck in an elevator beca-
Mr. X: Coo. If you could just take off your panties, I'm-a make your ass famous. Bwahahaha!
Santa: Argh! When I get out of this elevator, Mr. X, I'm gonna force feed you cookies and five gallons of milk and then sew your mouth shut so that when it all comes back up your esophagus, your head explodes!
Mr. X: That is, IF you get out… Bwahahahahaha!
Santa: TURN THE FUCKIN' POW-
[Santa farts and blushes in embarrassment]
Santa: [to the people in elevator] …it wasn't me.

• the FBI agents notify "ground zero" and Juan, backed by a bunch of FBI operatives, heads for the mall

11. Powder Puff
• Ben and the fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut locate and descend upon Santa's headquarters, knocking down the main entrance to interrupt the ongoing therapy session

Ben: Freeze! Put your hands and the air!
[Jake, Tommy/Donovan freeze and put their hands in the air]
Jake: [annoyed] Would you like me to wave them around like I just don't care? 'Cause I don't. Really.
Ben: …
[Jake waves his hands]
Jake: Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho!
[Ben slaps Jake]
Ben: Where's Santa? Who the fuck are you?
Jake: I'm Jake. I'm just visiting.
Ben: Oh… Nice to meet you, Jake. Ben Dover.
Jake: No, you perv.

• Ben smacks Tommy/Donovan around to glean information as to the whereabouts of the computer trigger
• once found, Ben ties Jake and Tommy/Donovan up and orders the fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut to get to work disarming the computer trigger

12. Action Figure Party
• like Star Wars, the movie climax consists of three different fights edited together
• as the elfmen reinstate power in the mall, the FBI agents infiltrate their van to free J.K., and what results is a three-on-three fight in a parking lot set to a Tenacious D cover of "We Three Kings"
Face/Off holds the record for the most bullets used in a movie, but I intend to break that record with this parking lot action sequence that shall exploit every Hong Kong action motif ever conceived
• inside the mall, Juan confronts Santa as he exits the elevator and the two brawl Street Fighter style, with power bars at the top of the screen and ridiculous animated maneuvers and finishing moves
• at Santa's headquarters, Juan and Tommy/Donovan attempt to escape and Ben takes them down, leading to a three-on-one hardcore wrestling-ish fight
• the Hong Kong melee spreads into the mall and Santa uses the influx of activity to make a run for it by physically picking up the elfmen and throwing them at Juan as projectiles
• Juan dodges the flying elfmen and hotly pursues Santa until they both wind up on a bleak playground in the ghetto and have a final confrontation set to "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby
• children surround the two, shocked that this strange man is fighting Santa (note that Santa changed into a traditional Santa suit earlier to snag Maria)
• during the fight, a lighter falls out of Santa's pocket, and Juan picks it up
• Santa later hurls Juan into an ancient wooden play structure, splintering it, and giving Juan something manageable to set afire
• back in North Dakota, Ben topples Jake and Tommy/Donovan by whacking them with a Christmas tree
• after doing so, Ben turns his attention towards helping the fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut decide on which wire to cut with time ticking away
• Jake and Tommy/Donovan secretly slip out under Ben's nose and flee in the Yugo

Ben: Pop quiz, hot shot! You narrowed the fate of humanity down to a red wire and a green wire. Now, you gotta cut one to beat the clock before all hell breaks loose. What do you do? What DO you do?
the fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut: [sweating like mad] I-I don't know.
Ben: Well, pick one! In fact, pick the right one!
the fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut: They look the same to me.
Ben: What do you mean? One's red and one's fuckin' green!
the fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut: Yes, but… [sigh] I'm sorry. It's just that I'm kinda…colorblind.
Ben: You timing is impeccable. The world's on the brink of pandemonium and NOW you tell me that you're fuckin' colorblind? Wonderful.
[the computer trigger clock counts down its final minute before automatic Namblo cartridge detonation]
the fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut: [panicking] Thirty seconds left. What are we gonna do?
Ben: [also panicking] Ah, fuck it.
[Ben impulsively yanks out all the wires…and amazingly stops the clock with one second remaining!]
the fat guy with a bad comb-over and glasses who sweats like mad when forced to decide on which wire to cut: …that works.

• meanwhile, a bloody Juan attacks a bloody Santa with burning lumber

Juan: Have you been naughty or nice this year, Santa? HUH? Let's find out!
[Juan smashes Santa's left foot with a burning piece of wood. Santa screams]
Juan: Must be coal in your sock, 'cause I've never seen a foot smolder like that!
[Santa stumbles around in pain]
Juan: Oh, and what would Christmas be without some chestnuts roasting on an open fire?
[Juan rams the burning piece of wood into Santa's crotch, sending him down for the count. Juan grabs a handgun from one of the inner city kiddie bystanders and walks over to the incapacitated Santa, towering above the former toy manufacturer with a gun pointed straight at his head]
Juan: [panting] Ho…ho…ho.
[Juan fires off a round of bullets and Santa dies]

• the bystander kids can't believe they just witnessed this strange guy shoot and kill Santa and respond by ganging up on Juan and beating him into a bloody pulp, effectively muddling the moral of the story and leaving lots of room for interpretation
• as for the elfmen, they somehow get away clean [I haven't figured out how yet]

13. The Saga Continues
• February 5 | daytime
• Juan lies in the hospital, still recovering from the beating he took
• Maria comes bearing a gift – an Amorabbit – the hot new Valentine's Day/Easter hybrid stuffed animal toy ("building a bridge between your sex life and the resurrection of Christ")
• Juan isn't too keen on the Amorabbit and chooses to focus on a more pressing issue instead

Juan: All right Maria, let's begin where we left off. Spread your legs.
Maria: [outraged] Here? In the hospital? What if somebody sees? I'm head of the Detroit PTA! I can't be caught gettin' fucked in a public place! It'll destroy my reputation!
Juan: Fine. How 'bout just a blow job then?
Maria: Okie.

• the expression on Juan's face mid-fellatio surpasses that of Jason Biggs mid-pie
• cut to a shot of Juan's mid-fellatio face…on a television monitor
• it appears that the Amorabbit has a hidden camera tucked inside
• cut to a shot of Jake, Tommy/Donovan, and the elfmen gathered around a television monitor gawking at Juan's facial expressions
• apparently, like Michael in the Godfather, Jake repossessed Santa's derelict headquarters and assumed the position of Mr. Radical thanks to the unrequited abuse from Ben Dover and some help from Tommy/Donovan, who knew all of Santa's dirty little secrets

Jake: [doing his best Mr. Burns impression] Excellent…

• maniacal laughter fills the whole room until suddenly, the dead guy in a tutu wakes up and scares the shit outta everybody
• fade to black
• credits set to "The Christmas Song" by Weezer

The end.

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