Eat Brats: The Most Controversial Proposal of Our Time

I could be at a private Rolling Stone Ryan Adams show at the Troubadour right now, but I'm tired as fuck after basically staying up all last night shitting out a paper. And look, I have another paper due on Friday! Weeeee!

Man, I've yet to write a good paper in college. In fact, I don't think I've ever written a paper that I was satisfied with. Maybe it's the fact that with the disappearance of the rough draft and peer editing in college, one night papers obviously won't be very good. Or maybe it's that I'm just not good at supporting theses and dealing with formal English shit. Regardless, you read any one of my papers and I guarantee it'll become worse and worse with every page, devolving quicker than a rushed in-class essay. You can actually graph my writing motivation level by labeling the x-axis "paragraph number" and the y-axis "quality."

I had a Peter Gibbons moment today. I don't like school and I don't think I'll try anymore. I really don't like writing papers and, uh, I'm just not gonna try. I never really liked reading textbooks. I don't think I'm going to do that either. Save me some money.

my class schedule for winter quarter:
English Literature, 1660-1832
German Film History
Screenwriting Fundamentals

10 weeks of German movies at 9:00 in the morning. Whoo. I wanted to take a class on the Third Reich and the Jews, but it was full already, so I opted for the next best thing. I'll have Wednesdays off. I want more days though. [sigh] Oh well.

Why do sequels traditionally fail, yet World War II made much more money than World War I?

I saw The Godfather on the big screen in film class today and for the first time watching the movie, I jolted when Michael is in the hospital looking for his father and out of nowhere, a nurse pops in and says, "What are you doing?" Coppola plays so much better on the big screen.

Recently on AIM, I have noticed an increase in the use of the term "lates," which apparently means the same thing as "later." Now am I missing something here? When did my generation collectively decide to shift the last letter of "later" one letter over and establish a synonym that's also a non-existent part of speech? I guess I'm just slow to pick up on contemporary semantics. I mean, it took me a while to figure out that "pron" was a deliberate misspelling of "porn." I hear you laughing. Shuu thf fucl uq, prok eates.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone director Chris Columbus has made an apology to Michael Jackson. On a U.S. television show, Columbus commented that he wouldn't allow young actor Daniel Radcliffe, who stars as Potter, to accept any phone calls from Jackson. Columbus, who also directed Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, has since clarified his statement, saying, "I don't want Jackson to think I'm slamming him. What I meant by that is you don't want Daniel to get caught up in the cult of celebrity." It sounds like there's something else Columbus doesn't want young Radcliffe caught up in.

In what seems to be her continued effort to get the Spice Girls' wheels a-turning once more, Baby Spice Emma Bunton, whose solo album, A Girl Like Me, hasn't exactly been a chart-topper, now says she's been speaking with Spice Girls Mel B, Melanie C and Victoria Beckham about the possibility of touring in 2006. Don't hold your breath; you most certainly will die.

Nominees for the 28th annual People's Choice Awards have been announced. A nationwide Gallup poll nominated, among other things, Jason Alexander for his canceled ABC sitcom Bob Patterson. Tom Hanks and Mel Gibson are once again up for Favorite Movie Actor – even though neither of them appeared in a film this year. And Pearl Harbor and The Fast and the Furious are both nominated for Favorite Motion Picture. The category of Favorite Female Television Performer includes Jennifer Aniston, Calista Flockhart, and Oprah Winfrey (for her role as, um, Oprah). Music nominees include Britney Spears, *NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys and Garth Brooks. What…the…fuck. That's it. No more polling in the midwest.

kid rock exposed!

Life Gets in the Way of Living

Music news websites are buzzing with reports that the princess of pop, Britney Spears, has already set Valentine's Day, February 14th, as the date for her wedding to *NSYNC's Justin Timberlake. Details of the ceremony are being kept secret. The couple, who have been living together for sometime now, reportedly got engaged in August. Earlier this year, they moved into a $7 million mansion in the Hollywood Hills. The news of Britney's wedding plans come after the pop princess was quoted professing her undying love for Justin earlier this year when she said, "I love Justin and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to grow old with him. I couldn't have asked for a kinder and lovelier boyfriend."

After a four-year hiatus, pioneering music festival Lollapalooza will return to the summer concert calendar in 2002. Jane's Addiction frontman and solo artist Perry Farrell is leading the revival with fellow Lollapalooza founders William Morris Agency and his former manager Ted Gardner. Lemme guess…the headliner will be a reunited Jane's Addiction.

[bell rings] The main event!

Teenagers have for years stood at the vanguard in the dumbing down of America, and this era's crop are no exception. They can't even wear their baseball caps the right way.

And now, yet another global survey has dumped our nation's progeny near the bottom of the educational trough. Children in countries we've never even heard of, like "Denmark" and "New Zealand," are beating us in geography. Undernourished waifs three countries from the nearest web connection are proving more adept in the sciences. And should any young Americans ever acquire the math skills needed to understand the global survey, they would find their math skills sorely lacking.

Why? Theories proliferate, including one that suggests those aforementioned caps squeeze their brains until they literally pop and slip right out of the bottoms of their baggy pants. But perhaps – have a seat, please – perhaps things aren't nearly as bad as they seem. And perhaps, lest things become as bad as they seem, we must consider some radical changes in educational theory. After an illuminating reevaluation of our children's skills, a series of remedial actions are herein proffered, upon which, if we are to check any trend toward density, we must act immediately.

The reason today's children know less history than previous generations is painfully evident: There's more of it. As one youth explained, "[older Americans] didn't have to learn about things like that World War and colonies and the Emaciation [sic] Procla-thing and all that because they lived through it." To keep the workload fair, a cut-off mark should be chosen – perhaps 1698 – which moves with the current year and before which no history is taught. After all, history repeats itself anyway – there's no point in being redundant.

Those who argue that students in other countries have encountered no such difficulty are guilty of gross simplification. Certainly, Swedes know their nation's history better than our students know theirs, but what history does Sweden have? It gets cold; it get less cold. It gets cold; it gets less cold. It gets cold again; you commit suicide. Of course they have a better grasp.

The reputation of young people's vocabulary has been unfairly tarnished by an ageist, myopic definition of what constitutes slang. In years past, long, difficult words such as "extenuate" and "pugnacious" were the "hip lingo" of the times; these words now sound hopelessly dated, or "out." Today, really really short words (such as "cool" and "rad") are the speech pattern of choice. We can't reasonably expect them to use "lugubrious" or "obfuscate" any more than they do "groovy."

The size of youth's vocabulary has also been criticized, proving that any statistic can fall victim to a negative spin. The plain fact is that kids today do not have a smaller vocabulary, they have a more efficient vocabulary. Over 240 words, for example, ranging from "stylish" to "titillating," can now be expressed with the omni-word "phat."

Besides, English and its grammatical components will be rendered obsolete by the year 2010 anyway, at which point all communication will have been distilled into AIM abbreviations. A typical conversation:

webdemon: hi
netfudge: wr ("wr" will stand for witty remark)
webdemon: LOL
netfudge: ? ("?" will stand for any question)
webdemon: xxx ("xxx" will stand for a series of sexual comments)
netfudge: bye
webdemon: bye

The great irony of society is that the more and more powerful machines we create to do math for us, the more and more some people insist that math is essential for us to learn. Bull-SHIT!!! We have calculators, computers, ATMs, and CPAs: Math has never been less important to learn in the entire history of civilization. Kudos to the younger generation for recognizing this.

Moving Forward
And yet, one is still left with the nagging feeling that today's youth are a bunch of meandering dullwits. Again, we must act immediately to confront the greater problems of our current educational system; at least three additional improvements warrant our prompt consideration:

To illustrate one flaw, let us employ a simple analogy. Think of teenagers as a diverse infestation of roaches in a home, and education a highly toxic poison. Our current high schools, then, are a scattering of storebought traps: Occasionally a roach wanders in and picks up some chemical toxins, but many do not eat enough, and some stay away entirely. Much more effective would be the hiring of an exterminator, who cleverly takes the poison to the roaches. It follows that we should not simply wait for students to accidentally stumble into schools, but instead douse them with education wherever they already are. In newly designed mall schools, for example, learning will be subversively incorporated into the everyday activities of "hanging out" – math at the cash registers, social studies in the food court, and foreign languages at Au Bon Pain.

Second, we must emphasize the positive, somehow take better advantage of the areas in which this generation excels, for it does excel at many things:

• Skateboard tricks
• Gunning down classmates
• Singing whiny pop songs

…Or, as an alternative, we can decide to not take advantage of those areas.

Third, and with only the slightest air of defeat, we must remember that youth have always been – well – kind of dumb. Romeo and Juliet thought that love was the greatest emotion. Ha! A young Michael Jackson sang that "people make the world go 'round." Ha! Ha! And in the sixties, students actually believed that life would be better without the massive economic might of the military-industrial machine. Ha ha! Ha! Time, we may note with relief, corrects this type of blatant naiveté on its own, crushing and conforming these puerile ideas of youth into our known and established – and right – societal standards.

With this in mind, then, perhaps our best course of action in addressing the stupidity of the young is not to act immediately at all, but instead to lean back and do nothing. Don't help them, don't encourage them, and please don't give them any hints. Eventually the real world will force smartness upon our children, just in time for them to grab hold the reins of the world and kick their elders screaming off the carriage.

Fourth, and failing all else, we can always just turn off the television.


fondly and firmly

The West Coast Has Been Traumatized

I'm back, and more unmotivated than ever.

Friday, I saw Weezer, Tenacious D, and Jimmy Eat World at the Long Beach Arena. JEW rocked, the D did not, and Weezer's predictably spectacular 75-minute set was what you'd expect from a band whose frontman hates a third of their musical output – full of well-received blue album and tepidly-received (in relation) green album songs. Highlights were the new material, "Say It Ain't So," and "Tired of Sex," the sole Pinkerton nod.

Audiences seem to take encores for granted nowadays. After a band leaves the stage, people usually just stand there in the dark waiting for them to return, completely oblivious to the fact that encores are meant to be requested through continued cheers and applause. Like driving, an encore is a privilege, not a right.

I saw an ad for the movie Black Knight and it said: "the funniest movie since Big Momma's House."

It's the year 2001. Why do we still have parades when there's television? I don't understand the appeal of waking up early in order to stand around in cold weather and watch a bunch of marching bands and gaudy moving wastes of natural resources pass you by on the street. How is that fun?

My sixth uncle bought me this watch that has a remarkably accurate time reading. In fact, the watch is so accurate that I didn't want to mess with it when Daylight Savings rolled around. As a result, I now have a watch that's one hour ahead, and it likes to fuck with me, oftentimes forcing me out of bed in a panic only to run to class and realize that it's 8:00, not 9:00 am, and that I'm actually sitting bleary-eyed in a roomful of physics students. Well, no more. I've decided to begin living on Mountain time. If I can't turn back time, then I'll live for the future. Carpe diem!

Michael Jackson's fans have been invited to sign an online petition calling on NBC to apologize for a comedy sketch on Saturday Night Live that fans say falsely depicted the gloved one as a child molester. The website also calls on MJ's fans to boycott the network until an apology is made. The petition reads: "We have all heard about the charges that were brought against Michael Jackson years ago, which were dropped by the people who filed the charges. NBC, however, felt the need to re-try Michael and find him guilty and depict him as a child molester in November 10th's episode of Saturday Night Live."

It's hell week for me. I have two papers due a day apart and so far I've done jack shit. Fear not though, I've backlogged enough kick ass material to keep the almost daily AR™ momentum going. Weeeeee!

Oh and I need to get a job.

how to dance properly
dancing properly: advanced seminar

A Prayer for Owen Meany

Friday from 7:00 am to noon at Best Buy, get the Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace 2-DVD for $14.99. Friday and Saturday only at Best Buy, get both Office Space and The Princess Bride on DVD for $11.99 each and save $5.

All day Friday at Circuit City, every CD is on sale for $9.99 each. Friday and Saturday only at Circuit City, get 10% off all XBox and Gamecube games. Oh and get Traffic on DVD for $10.99 and Spaceballs on DVD for $7.99.

Britney Spears, George Michael and Elton John are among those who won't get the chance to kiss the Pope's ring since the three have been snubbed from performing at next month's Christmas at the Vatican. According to one Vatican source, his Holiness considers the pop princess' image to be too sexy, while the public image of Michael and John is considered to be too gay. What century are we in again? Oh yeah – Ray Charles has been given the go-ahead to perform. The Pope, by the way, has nothing against blind people. Other artists who have been given the Papal nod to perform at the December 15th concert include The Cranberries, featuring the very unsexy and ungay singer Dolores O'Riordan and Dire Straits frontman Mark Knopfler.

One shot at fame just isn't enough for *NSYNC's Justin Timberlake, who's been cast as a young Elton John in John's new video for "This Train Don't Stop There Any More." The 70s-inspired clip focuses on Justin backstage at a concert venue while he performs the song on his way to the dressing room. Perhaps more interesting than the *NSYNC star's role is the fact that Paul Reubens, better known as the artist formerly known as Pee-Wee Herman, plays the young Elton's manager in the video. This is the second time that John has enlisted major celebs to portray himself in a video. For the "I Want Love" clip, Robert Downey Jr. lip-synched his way through the song's lyrics.

hairy cat soap

Jockin' Turkey to My Dismay

Last night, I dreamt I was being sodomized by two giant rabbits. Whoo!

1989 – Beijing, China
Chung Wang: Harry, go to supermarket and buy turkey.
Harry Wang: Ai ya! Not now, Chung. I am watch Chicago Bull play.
Chung Wang: HARRY! I say go to supermarket and buy turkey!
Harry Wang: Okay, okay…
[Harry go to supermarket, buy turkey, and start walk home]
Harry Wang: Go to supermarket! Buy turkey! Bitch ass chink… Hmmm. I think I take shortcut through Tiananmen Square.
[Harry start take shortcut through Tiananmen Square]
Harry Wang: AI YA! Tanks! I so scared, I cannot move!

2001 – Beijing, China
Chung Wang: Harry? Harreee? Where are you, Harry? I still wait for turkey!

Back in the mid-90s, when Bay Area hip-hop producer Dan "the Automator" Nakamura set out to help resurrect the lilting career of Bronx rapper Kool Keith, the result was 1996's eponymous Dr. Octagon, which was such a cult success for the rapper's alter ego that Dreamworks Records later picked up and repackaged the independently released album. Three years later, Nakamura's remix LP of Bollywood movie music, Bombay the Hard Way, added unexpected life to the dying world of abstract downtempo hip-hop. And this year, Nakamura did it again with the dub-heavy rock soundtrack to cartoon band Gorillaz, a major contender for album of the year. Well, the hardest working man in hip-hop is back with a new album, Lovage, a collaboration with Jennifer Charles (Elysian Fields) and Mike Patton (Faith No More). With Lovage, Nakamura re-creates his pivotal role as Nathaniel Merriweather, graduate of the Handsome Boy Modeling School. The album is basically a collection of hip-hop lounge tunes loosely tied together by a string of humorous skits, including "Herbs, Good Hygiene & Socks" in which electro legend Afrika Bambaataa has a surreal conversation with a 1950s health movie.

And now, Thanksgiving at the Yu house…

Jon: Mom, I finished making the salad.
Mrs. Yu: Good. Now go clean your room.
Jon: But I just cleaned it!
Mrs. Yu: Go clean it again.
Jon: What you talkin' 'bout, woman?
[doorbell rings]
Jon: I'll get it. It's probably Rory.
[Jon opens door]
Rory: [sigh] All right. I'm here. Let's get this bloody American holiday feast over with.
Jon: Come on… It'll be fun.
Rory: Yes yes. It'll be tryptophantastic!
Jon: Shut it, Hornblower. [pause] Hey mom! Meet Rory.
Mrs. Yu: So this is the white kid you always talk about.
Rory: [to Jon] The white kid?
Jon: [to Rory] It's an Asian thing. Just play along. [to Mrs. Yu] Yeah, mom. This is…the white kid, but you can call him "Rory."
Mrs. Yu: Nice to meet you, Rory.
Rory: Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Yu. I brought a pie.
Mrs. Yu: Oh? What kind? Is it an apple pie? I LOVE warm apple pie.
Rory: Ehhh… Actually, it's a meat pie. Chicken, to be exact.
Mrs. Yu: Chicken? In a pie? You so crazy!
Rory: Well, in my home country, we eat meat pies all the time.
Jon: Rory's British.
Mrs. Yu: …
Jon: He's from Europe.
Mrs. Yu: Oh! The white kid is from the white people continent. I see… You like Hitler?
Rory: Not particularly.
Mrs. Yu: You don't need to lie to me, son. [smiles at Rory] PETER!!! Come meet Jon's white friend!
[enter Mr. Yu]
Mr. Yu: Hello, Jon's white friend.
Rory: The name's Rory.
Mr. Yu: Nice to meet you, Jon's white friend. You like Hitler?
Rory: Oh for crying out loud!
Jon: Uhhh… Mom, Dad, I think Rory and I are gonna go play in my room.
Mrs. Yu: Use protection!
Jon: NO. Risk. We're gonna go play Risk in my room.
Mrs. Yu: Is that what kids call it these days? "Risk." Hahaha. How funny.

Mrs. Yu: Dinner time!
Rory: Fookin' A. I'm starving. Well, what have we got here?
Jon: A turkey, egg rolls, pot stickers, steamed rice, and a salad made by yours truly.
Rory: Interesting…
Jon: Yee. I mean, I didn't know I could even make a salad. :D
Rory: No no. I'm talking about the turkey. Doesn't it look a bit odd?
Jon: You're right. Hey mom, what's up with the turkey? It looks like arse.
Mrs. Yu: That's because it's not a turkey. It's a turducken.
Jon: Come again?
Mrs. Yu: A turducken: a chicken in a duck in a turkey. See, last year I made a tofu turkey and everybody complained about how much they wanted to eat meat. So this year, I'm-a give y'all all the fuckin' meat you can eat.
Rory: Gah! That's just nasty.
Mrs. Yu: Hey, I thought you liked meat.
Rory: IN A PIE! Not in another animal!
Mrs. Yu: Go brush your teeth. As long as you're in my house, you will eat whatever I tell you to. [pause] All righty then. Let's eat!
Winston: Hold on! We forgot to give thanks.
Jon: Awww jeez, Winston. Could it wait?
Winston: No, poo poo head. Ms. Penman says that you must give thanks to the Lord BEFORE eating.
Mr. Yu: [to Mrs. Yu] Remember, it was your idea to send him to that private school.
Mrs. Yu: [to Mr. Yu] Suck my metaphorical dick. [to Winston] Okay, Winston. Why don't you lead us in giving thanks?
Winston: [clears throat] Dear God, everyday is a new day. I'm thankful for every breath I take. I won't take it for granted, so I learn from my mistakes. It's beyond my control. Sometimes it's best to let go. Whatever happens in this lifetime, so I trust in love. You have given me peace of mind.
Rory: [to Jon] Wait a minute… Aren't these the lyrics to P-
Jon: [to Rory] Shhh. At least it's not Creed.
Winston: I…I feel so alive for the very first time. I can't deny you; I feel so alive. I…I feel so alive for the very first time. And I think I can fly! Amen.
Mr. Yu: Word. Let's eat!
[everybody eats…except Rory]
Rory: Jon, I don't think I can eat this turdpile your mom made. Look at it. Sausage stuffing in a chicken in a duck in a turkey. It's a sinful farm orgy, the Holy Grail of nonkosher living.
Jon: But it's sooooo delicious! Why you gotta be so Jewey, Hornblower?
Rory: Jewey? Dude, I'm merely taking precaution with my health.
Jon: Bah! What's a life without meat?
Rory: Longer. Don't get me wrong. I love meat, but I'd simply prefer not to consume the entire butcher shop at once.
Jon: If you want, I'll let you eat my dog…
Rory: Ugh. You disgust me sometimes. Is there a Boston Market around here? Or a KFC?
Mrs. Yu: JON!!!
Jon: Yes, ma'am?
Mrs. Yu: The salad!
Jon: You like it?
Mrs. Yu: I would, if it wasn't made with cabbage!
Jon: Fuck.
Mrs. Yu: I was saving that cabbage too for a corned beef dish!
Jon: I'm sorry! Lettuce, cabbage – it all looks the same to me. For God's sake, I eat dorm food every night! How am I supposed to have a keen eye for real vegetables? [sigh] I'll just add some vinegar and mayonnaise to the "salad" and make cole slaw.
Mrs. Yu: No. I don't want cole slaw. Do I look white?
Jon: Hmmm. Why don't I use Rory as a reference?
Mr. Yu: Honey, let's just eat.
Mrs. Yu: Can't you see that I'm currently a little preoccupied? Our oldest son's an insolent retard! I shoulda had people kick me in the stomach more while I was bearing him!
Jon: Don't go there!
Rory: I think I'm-a step outside and have a fag…
Mrs. Yu: I knew it! I knew the white kid was gay! Risk, my ass!
Jon: They refer to cigarettes as "fags" in some parts of England, you stupid cunt!
Mrs. Yu: What did you call me? Get outta my house. NOW!!! And take your homo cancer buddy with you!
Jon: Are you kicking me out?
Mrs. Yu: Yessir.
Jon: But I don't even live here anymore! You can't kick me out if I'm not a full-time resident! It says so in chapter 11 of Parenting for Dummies!
Mrs. Yu: …
Winston: Jon bought a Gamecube.
Mrs. Yu: Whaaa?
Jon: Winston…
Winston: [giddily] JON BOUGHT A GAMECUBE!!! I saw it in his room!
Mrs. Yu: YOU WHAT?
Jon: Winston, you fuckin' butt munch!
Mrs. Yu: Don't call your brother a butt munch!
Jon: Shut the fuck up!
Mrs. Yu: What's that? I didn't hear you…
Jon: Shut the fuck up!
Mrs. Yu: Come on! A little louder…
Mrs. Yu: Everybody N 2 gether now…
Everybody: Shut the fuck up! What? What?
Jon: …and scene! Happy Thanksgiving, everybody, from my dysfunctional family to yours.

C2K, a top Vegas nightclub, has been slammed by the Las Vegas Liquor Commission for serving alcohol to underage pop princess Britney Spears, during a private party last month. The club owner denies that 19-year-old Spears was drinking at the soiree. In other Britney news, the singer's been accused by critics of lip syncing on her live HBO TV special, which was broadcast live on Sunday from Vegas' MGM Grand. Apparently, she mimed at least three songs. Are we really surprised? Lastly, Spears is set to star as herself in the Austin Powers: Goldmember movie. The film is expected to be released in the U.S. next summer.

Ahem. Time to give thanks.

Thanks to the UCLA football team for royally fucking up.

Thanks to "B-Money" Bob for keeping hip-hop elite and unleashing a can of QBert on my ass. All I want for Christmas (now) is a DVD copy of Wave Twisters: the movie.

Thanks to MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice for not calling it a comeback. Vanilla Ice and friends (he still has friends?) play the Knitting Factory in Hollywood on December 12. MC Hammer's new album Active Duty hit stores this week. Good times.

Can't touch this, baby, 'cause I'm a thug.

Thanks to Hoe Hater for updating regularly again. It's Hunter S. Thompson heeelarious.

Finally, thanks to Robert (NOT Bob) for the link of the day:
feedback induced monitor photography – beta test

I'm Not a Boy, Not Yet a Man

William Regal kisses Vince McMahon's ass and "Nature Boy" Ric Flair returns on Raw. God, I love wrestling. Whoo!

The main event for WWF Vengeance December 9 in San Diego will be a title unification match between the winners of The Rock vs. Chris Jericho and Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Kurt Angle.

Cake's latest video, a clip for "Love You Madly," off Comfort Eagle, spoofs the cult Japanese cooking show Iron Chef and features Cake drummer Pete McNeal and trumpeter/keyboardist Vince Di Fiore facing off over a pumpkin dish. McNeal and Di Fiore really cooked the dishes and were not acting when they watched carefully as judges critiqued their finished products. Only one of the judges, however, is an actual food expert: the Frugal Gourmet Jeff Smith. The others were actress Phyllis Diller and "Super Freak" singer Rick James.

"MTV sucks." How many times have you heard that?

Look, MTV is no more mainstream than Rolling Stone, and people buy up that "music" magazine (I wonder why). Where's the love for MTV? Let's be honest. As much as you hate MTV, you still watch it, because there's always something on. It may not be particularly good, but hey, it's something. What other television channel specifically caters to the ENTIRE 12-24 demographic? BET, Cartoon Network, Comedy Central, and ESPN are acquired tastes. MTV, on the other hand, goes with anything. For every TRL, there's a Jackass to compensate. Okay, so MTV's not exactly "music television" anymore, but its target audience still comes back time and again. It must be doing something right. I like to think of MTV as a horrible accident on the side of a road that you just have to slow down and check out.

The classic complaint is that MTV doesn't play videos anymore. Bull-SHIT!!! Not to sound crass, but ever since the 9-11 attacks, MTV has been playing more videos than ever, and not just the popular ones. Hell, I saw a Pinehurst Kids video on MTV the other day. How cool is that? Wait. Maybe it was MTV2… No matter. Yeah, MTV has its faults (censors!), but I think my generation (myself included) has a noxious tendency to write off the channel without first accepting it for what it is – the mass entertainment equivalent of a paperback novel on sale in an airport.

Fuck. I hate when I write in the passive voice.

I've been meaning to plug a site that Elvin showed me back in high school. Somewhere in Missourah, a dumpy white guy and his friends review music videos on eMpTyV. For example, here's what one reviewer has to say about the video for "Forever" by Kid Rock:

"Just what the world needs, a patriotic Kid Rock to assure us everything's alright in America, that we can go back to our malt liquor and trailer parks and anonymous sex with tattooed bitches. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, if that's your lifestyle. Many millions of Americans enjoy anonymous sex with tattooed bitches.) And, to help us all out, Kid Rock is throwing a party in downtown Detroit, where – the screen tells us – it's 30 degrees Fahrenheit. The citizens of Motown U.S.A. are only too happy to brave the cold for a look at Kid Rock's off-white navel and a few dancing strippers. 'I make hard rock / And I mix it with the hip-hop,' goes the chorus to 'Forever,' and it's about as original as the dozens of American flags bouncing around the video."

Don't be deceived by the site's outdated interface; it's usually updated every week. Oh and the archive is peachy keen. Enjoy.

Seann William Scott is set to star opposite Chow Yun-Fat in the Paul Hunter-directed Bulletproof Monk. The story, based on the cult comic of the same name, centers on a Tibetan martial arts master (Yun-Fat) who becomes mentor to an urban kid (Scott). Since when is Seann William Scott urban? He's from Minnesota. Nobody from Minnesota is urban. They like baseball. I rest my case.

According to a report out of the UK, Courtney Love is planning to sue Eminem over his DVD cartoon The Slim Shady Show. Love is apparently upset over a cartoon that shows her late husband Kurt Cobain with half his face missing. Cobain died from a self-inflicted gunshot to the head in 1994.

P. Diddy has admitted that he's a fan of Brit band Coldplay. Apparently, the Puffster was hooked after listening to Coldplay's debut album, Parachutes. Here's what Puffy had to say about the band: "The whole melancholy, emotional vibe, [singer Chris Martin's] wearing his heart right out there. It's unmanlike. It's so strong. It made me feel like how people really feel, and they hide their feelings. It was brave."

In other news, Eminem has admitted that he's a big fan of Hole.

From the "did you see Freddy Got Fingered?" department, Tom Green is developing a half-hour variety series for the WB Network set in the world of skateboarding. The program will include reality-based comedy bits featuring professional skateboarders "getting into all sorts of crazy and wacky adventures in different parts of the world," as well as studio segments before a live audience, Green said. Phil Giroux, one of Green's sidekicks on The Tom Green Show, will write for the WB show and be an on-camera presenter and studio co-host. A different skateboarder will partner with Giroux every week as guest co-host. Green also will appear in studio as a guest. Oh man… Poor professional skateboarders…

I'm not going home for Thanksgiving because of the Extended Midget Tour in Long Beach on Friday, so home decided to coming down here. Yes, my family is driving down from the Bay Area today in order to spend Thanksgiving with me at my cousin's house. Weeeeee! I can't wait until they find out about the Gamecube. I've been getting a lot of shit over my impulsive Gamecube purchase, and I don't know who to believe: Jord or the rest of the world. I think in the end, I'm-a hold onto my game-less Gamecube, and not because I'm Jord's little bitch. I kinda wanna play Super Smash Bros. Melee and Dinosaur Planet. I might be wrong, I might even be the world's easiest pushover, but I'll be damned if the Gamecube doesn't look real good sitting next to my Game Boy Advance, Game Boy Color, Nintendo 64, Super Nintendo, Game Boy, and Nintendo Entertainment System. For an infrequent gamer, it's pathetic that I own all this shit. Eh. Sucks to be Yu.

double feature!
home built chastity belts and devices
just for fun

Pure Drivel

Gorillaz' collaboration with D-12 is now available online through the Gorillaz website. The track, inspired by the events of September 11th in the U.S., also features former Specials frontman Terry Hall. The song was recorded after the D-12 crew were stranded in the U.K. only two days after the tragic events, and also describes the day's actual events as well as their aftermath. Here's a taste of the lyrics: "Put the knife away, missiles always strike and blaze/So much smoke you can't tell the difference between night and day."

Bill Cosby has finished co-writing the script for the Fat Albert movie, based on the 1970s cartoon show he created. Forest Whitaker will direct the movie, which will be part animation and part live action. It's scheduled for release in summer 2003.

Fred Durst is one of eight hidden characters waiting to be "unlocked" in SmackDown! Just Bring It, the third installment of the popular wrestling video game series. Once the technological mystery to freeing Fred is unraveled (by choosing a certain grappler and winning a series of bouts), players can use him, or lock-up collar and elbow against him, in more than 60 different squared-circle matches.

The Walt Disney Company has optioned Tony's Hawk's autobiography Hawk – Occupation: Skateboarder as well as his life rights for a biopic feature. The project aims to be in the vein of a Rocky for youths set against a Fast Times at Ridgemont High backdrop. It will focus on Hawk's life as a teenager during the 1980s, when he was a gawky outcast ridiculed by his peers for his undersized frame and a passion for a sport deemed uncool. Hawk went on to become a pro skateboarder at 14 and remained virtually unmatched in his field until he retired a few years ago at age 32.


Jonathan and the Terrible, Horrible, Very Good Day

Oh man… My parents are gonna kill me.

Jord made me do it. It's all his fault. I never wanted to wake up at 8:00 am on a Sunday morning to go wait outside a Best Buy for two hours with a bunch of thirty-year-old virgins in order to buy a video game console. Like Spooner, I'm just an unemployed college student masturbating my way through sophomore year. What the fuck am I doing spending $200 on a Gamecube? Do you know what I could buy with $200? A DVD and 12 blow jobs in North Hollywood. How's this for money management? I chose a machine over 12 blow jobs from nasty ass hookers and a personal copy of Chill Factor. Shee-it. I'm such a fanboy consumer, and an impulsive one at that. Why couldn't I have waited like I did with the Game Boy Advance? Hell, I got a free Game Boy Advance from my cousin's kid this summer. A free Gamecube from him too couldn't have been that unreasonable, right? RIGHT? Awww, jeez. I'm not even a hardcore gamer. The last time I seriously played video games was this past spring when Conker's Bad Fur Day came out. Goddammit. I can't believe I blew $200 on something that'll probably be used less than my stockpile of condoms. [sigh] But it's so cute and sexy…

NO! It's not…no…it's……NO! Jon has no desire to play Super Smash Bros. Melee. Yes, he does. No, he doesn't. Yes, he no. No, he yes yes he yes NO. [pause] Fuckin' A! For the record, buying the Gamecube was wroooooiiiiightWRONG! It was wrong of me, and I blame Jord for my fall from grace. I think we all know that I've kinda devolved into Jord's personal bitch, but this time he's gone too far. Why you gotta go around warping people's fragile little minds with your campy rhetoric, Roberts? "Simply holding the Gamecube controller will make you orgasm." Ugh. What can I say? His relentless one-man marketing campaign slowly wore down my self-control and I caved in to perceptual temptation. Oh and here's the best part:


None. No accessories either. I chickened out. What's more, I still haven't opened the console box yet. I'm pretty much voluntarily stuck right now with a heavy box that has the entertainment value of a dead dog. The Gamecube has just been sitting in my room since I bought it, taunting me from inside the box. Touch me, baby! Pop my cherry! Fuck. Sometimes, I feel I've got to run away. I've got to get away from the pain it drives into the heart of me. To make things right, it needs someone to hold it tight. And it thinks love is to play, but I'm sorry, I don't play that way. Help…

Jesus ranch! Americans shelled out $93.5 million this weekend to see she-boy here.

the sexual fantasies of gummy bears

Minnesota Pop

I was at lunch today when I noticed that the Rieber dining hall had these:

Does anybody else find red- and green-colored tortilla chips just a tad disconcerting? I mean, blue chips make sense, because blue corn actually exists. I can't say the same about saturated red and green chips. Never seen any bright green corn in my life. I guess I just don't understand the appeal of colored food. I'm sorry, but soul food tastes like shit. Plus, the increasing dependency on the use of unnatural dyes to sell pre-processed food products kinda scares me. Take Gatorade, for example.

Now that is one odd shade of blue. Is it cool? Yes. Would I drink it? No. Why? Because it's blue water. Contrary to popular belief, water is not blue. Likewise, real grape juice is not dark purple. Whoever decided that everything flavored grape should be tinted dark purple deserves to be shot. Seriously. It's embarrassing for me to show women my dark purple dick! Oh and what about this?

Mmm…green ketchup. You know what that be good on? My dark purple dick. Yee. Add a black light and I have me my own personal rave. [pause] All this talk about dicks food makes me hungry. What is there to eat?

PURPLE FUCKIN' COOKIES! I rest my case. Next time, gimme my food au natural. Please.

I dropped my CD player off the theater balcony today and it broke. :D

Paul: I enjoyed it.
Paul: It was delightful.
Paul: You need to have read the book to appreciate it.
Paul: It's funny how they teased romance between Harry and Hermione because Harry goes for Cho Chang instead in book four and Ron and Hermione end up together. Yes, Ron and Hermione!!!
Paul: Judging by the first one, I'm not gonna like Attack of the Clones.
Jon: …

Okay, so I didn't read the book. Fuck off. The mark of a good movie is its ability to stand on its own, and while Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone isn't particularly awful, I felt like I was watching Fast Times at Hogwarts Castle. The movie's strange chronological procession debauches any semblance of an absorbing storyline, resulting in numerous plotholes and the most underwhelming climax this side of my masturbatory sessions. I figure that Warner Bros. has seven movies (ugh) to explain it all, but I never expected Sorcerer's Stone to be such a half-assed effort. For God's sake, director Chris Columbus rips off a Marines commercial for the ending sequence. How's that for cheating?

What's more, in an effort to release the movie while the product was still hot, Warner Bros. contracted seemingly every visual effects studio in the world to work on Sorcerer's Stone when they shoulda spent their money on glaucoma treatment. Might as well of had the Japanese Godzilla filmmakers in charge of visual effects – that's how cheesy-looking the movie was to my eyes. The Quidditch match looks like a home movie compared to the Phantom Menace pod race, which it shamelessly rips off, by the way. Not only does the Quidditch stadium barely pass for substandard computer generated imagery, I also didn't see kids flying around on broomsticks. No, I saw kids pretending to fly around on broomsticks in front of a green screen while a wind machine blows wind in their hair. Oh well. With George Lucas' Industrial Light and Magic signed on as the sole visual effects studio for the second movie due out next Thanksgiving (whoo), let's hope that Chamber of Secrets doesn't suffer the fate of its predecessor and come off visually as the retarded half-brother of The Mummy Returns.

Speaking of Lucas, did I mention that I saw the second trailer for Attack of the Clones? My pulse skyrocketed to levels that can't possibly be good for my blood pressure during those two euphoric minutes. In fact, I created quite a scene on that balcony. Good thing restraining orders take at least a week to put into effect. Goddamn, I wanna see this movie. Goddamn, I wanna see Natalie Portman in my room in five minutes. Say what you will, but I'm proud to be an uncool Star Wars dork loser. Tell 'em, R2. *beep beep beep-beep; beep beep beep*

Look for appearances in Sorcerer's Stone by John Cleese, Haley Joel Osment, Trent Reznor, and…Shrek.

The latter characters, called "gringotts," operate a bank, and are depicted as smart, irritable, hairy, large-nosed midgets. Yet, the Jews love Harry Potter.

Alas, nothing I say will prevent Sorcerer's Stone from making a shitload of money. The lamest movies always make the most money. Why is that? I think I'm-a film paint drying for two-and-a-half hours, title it The Bible, release it in theaters, and then go buy me a platinum Millennium Falcon. Bling bling. Maybe I'll have it painted hot pink too.

j.c. 4:20 wear

It's Levitation, Holmes

yea so i was bored and for anyone who knows who they are, i was talking to this guy i know in a band called gwar:

rory hornblower: are you going to see spy game?
gwar: maybe
rory hornblower: im going to see it at seven three oh tonight with my friend elizabeth.
gwar: sweet deal
(thats not his real aim name you stalkers)
yea thats it, he probably is too busy being famous to see spy game.

it is now AFTER the movie and it wasn't bad. The director of Enemy of the State basically made a companion piece to Enemy of the State. Spy Game features an old and young star pairing like Enemy of the State, a plot involving spies like Enemy of the State, and camera work and music stolen straight out of Enemy of the State, but the movie is definitely not Enemy of the State. Oh no. By no means is Spy Game, well, kinetic enough to fully absorb our ritalin-dependent generation. I've seen worse though. Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet, anybody?

I never liked Brad Pitt, but my friend did and she said and i quote "blah blah blah blah", in fact she says that a lot to me. I haven't posted anything worthwhile lately cause i am sick, and have been for the past week. If i was a martial arts guru I would want to be Master Bation. Bye.

the turd twister

Number Three Pencils

German schoolgirl Annika Irmler has licked her way into the Guinness Book of Records with her whopping seven centimeter tongue. "My friends always said I had an incredibly long tongue – I could make lots of money with it one day," said Annika. The twelve-year-old from Tangstedt, near Hamburg, can lick the ice cream from the bottom of a cone – while her friends have to use their fingers. "I'm just proud that now people everywhere can read about me and my tongue," she said.

This story is funny in so many ways.

Starting November 26, Jeopardy! will double the dollar amounts on its question and answer board, raising the minimum amount to $200 from the current $100 and the top amount to $2,000 from $1,000. The move marks the first time award amounts have been raised in the show's current 18-year run that dates back to 1984. "I have long said that the contestants are the real stars of our show," said Alex Trebek, the program's longtime host who has sported a new look of his own this season as he took to the air without his trademark mustache. "It is great to see that our players will be rewarded even more for their hard work and vast knowledge." Of course, if you really want to win money, be a contestant on Hollywood Squares. "I agree." "I disagree." "Correctamundo! Here's the state of Rhode Island! Retail value: $35,000!"

From the "excess information" department, I had a horrible bout of hair trigger erectile response today. Unless an invisible Britney Spears or pony was in my room, I don't have a good explanation as to why the damn thing would NOT go limp. I realize that nowadays it's important to be patriotic and everything, but there's a time and a place to "sieg heil," and it's not when I'm standing in front of the toilet dying to let piss out. All work and no play makes my hand a dull toy. Dammit! How does Bob Dole do it?

More than 28 years after Bruce Lee's death, computer technology will resurrect the kung-fu icon to star in the chopsocky actioner Dragon Warrior, the first time a dead actor will be re-created in a major movie role. The $50 million picture's South Korean financier, ShinCine Communications, acquired rights to Lee's likeness from Concord Moon, which represents the Bruce Lee estate and is overseen by Lee's widow, Linda Lee Cadwell, and his daughter, Shannon Lee. Now in its third draft by Korean and Japanese writers, Dragon will be translated and further refined for an English-language production. Shannon Lee said the family agreed to do this project, "because we believe in ShinCine's and Mr. Shin's enthusiasm and commitment to making a first-rate film."

Can you believe this shit? $50 million for a fuckin' video game! Let's face it – Bruce Lee movies are cool because it's actually Bruce Lee doing the martial arts, not…pixels. Did the producers not learn anything from Jar-Jar Binks? It's hard to care about people who try to present themselves as real but in actuality aren't. I mean, look at Demi Moore. [pause] Oh well. I guess you can't expect much from the motion picture industry. I'm sure there's already a Beverly Hills Ninja 2 in the works.

All right, I've been meaning to post something worthwhile on the site, something more than news pieces, but I always get sidetracked. I feel like my recent posts have been a total letdown both to me and my audience. I'm-a get my act together in due time and churn out some original material goodness. Whoo!

samuel l. jackson soundboard

If Only Duct Tape Could Fix Everything

I don't know if this is what you'd call a layout change. I'd like to think of it as more of an ongoing project, part of twelve-step program towards digital rehabilitation. Muchas gracias, Tony, Ogre, and Dobi, for letting me steal code and inspiration without given consent. Ah, fuck. Again, with the WankerCounty references. I'm such a W seee-lut.

20th Century Fox and Lucasfilm have confirmed that Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones will open Thursday May 16 in the United States and Canada. Yes, Thursday. Moreover, for those of you who thought the one-minute "breathing" teaser sucked ass, a full trailer for Attack of the Clones, featuring unseen footage, will play before Warner Bros.' Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone beginning Friday. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Today, I spent $28 on records, continuing my history of being a letdown to my generation. Luckily, the records I picked up make my ears bleed cells of joy. By "records," of course, I mean "compact discs." It just sounds cooler when you say "records." Anyway, I bought Adam Riff™'s item of the week, The Movielife…Has a Gambling Problem, as well as the latest releases from Saves the Day and Dilated Peoples. Emo, punk, and poor man's hip-hop. Good shit.

Britney Spears adorns the cover of the latest Rolling Stone and my, how she's grown as an artist. In her fourth appearance on the cover of RS, Britney decided to have her photo taken, apparently, midway through falling out of her top. IT'S GREAT!!! Hell, I grew as a fan just gawking, er, glancing at the picture. I know the camera adds ten pounds, but I didn't realize you could concentrate unwarranted bulkiness in a particular location on the body. Stephanie McMahon better watch her chest.

The Tennis Channel has announced initial programming plans for its launch in third quarter 2002. The company, funded by an investment group led by former Universal Studios and Viacom chief Frank Biondi, has secured rights to more than 1,000 hours of U.S. tournaments from the ATP, WTA and Champions tours. Matches from World Team Tennis, the Intercollegiate Tennis Association and the national junior tour, as well as a number of classic matches, also will be broadcast. The schedule will consist of about 40% tournament play, 40% instruction and 20% news and personalities. The channel has enlisted several well-known coaches to host instructional shows. Original shows include Tennis News Daily, The Player's Lounge, Beyond the Lines, Gearheads and Destination Tennis.

Wow. That's a lot of tennis. Is tennis really that interesting that it merits its own cable channel? I mean, just because there's a Tennis Channel doesn't mean that the rich white people target demographic will automatically tune in, especially with formidable competition from the likes of the Golf Channel and BBC America.

To help teenagers make informed decisions, we need to provide them with good reasons not to have sex on a first date:

Number One: If you need immediate gratification on a first date, order dessert. Always remember: It's easier to not finish a piece of cake than it is to not finish a blow job. If you feel guilty after eating a piece of mud pie, you can always work it off on the StairMaster – which is much cheaper and easier than trying to burn off your sexual guilt with your therapist, the StareMaster.

Number Two: Before sleeping with someone, consider trying to find out if you're sexually compatible by thinking about them while masturbating. Remember: If you can't make a relationship work in a fantasy, then it will never work in reality.

gorilla suit (20 clicks to the right)

No Sleep 'Til…

Wow. Something's not right. Weeeeee! I had another pre-life crisis yesterday night. Old-schoolers may remember the occasional posts where I was all moody and shit. Yeah, I need help. Help…and drugs. I'd been okay since my last wordy breakdown in August, but Tony over at WankerCounty* gone and done it again with his little post plugging an underage milk drinking movie he made. And I quote: "I've been wanting to do a new site recently, something other than WC." Oh man… You push the right buttons and the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round until your whole world falls apart. Whoo! After reading that post, I had a revelation. It was like the voices in my head were actually talking to me. I came to realize that websites grow stale quickly, and if not regularly innovated graphically and content-wise, a site can easily devolve into a boring morass for both the people behind it and the people visiting it (cough, CrackerJap, cough). See, this is why I wanna work in movies and not television. It's tough to come up with original entertaining material on a weekly, if not daily, basis. I mean, there's no farmer's market for ideas, and plagiarism doesn't work past college. [sigh]** I'm not sure what exactly compelled me to IM Howard at 11:00 pm last night and ask him to help me with an impromptu re-configuration of my site, but it's 5:00 am PST as I write this, and I guess you could say that the first joker's card is up. Hey, it's a start. What's more, once the seventh card appears, the world shall bear witness to the apocalyptical coming of the Dark Carnival!!! Eh. Who writes this shit? Donna, fire whoever writes my posts. Anyway, I'm-a go to sleep now. If you want brand new material, I acquired a new ad. Enjoy. Broadband forever!

* Can I write a post without mentioning WankerCounty? Jesus ranch…

** I sigh a lot. It can't be good for my karma.


"you must DIE! i alone am best!"

+ 3 Doors Down
+ AIM rate limits
+ anti-smoking commercials made by tobacco companies
+ any 1-800-CALL-ATT commercial
+ calling your friend a "foo"
+ Calvin peeing decals
+ Cartoon Network anime
+ Celebrity Jeopardy! sketches on Saturday Night Live
+ cell phones
+ custom cell phone rings
+ custom cell phone rings you hear while watching a movie
+ clotheslines from hell
+ :P
+ comb-overs
+ commercials for NBC shows that spoil the surprises
+ country music award shows
+ Creed
+ diet soda
+ dotting "i"s with a heart or a star
+ E!
+ Eminem's dancing
+ ending everything you say with the phrase "you know what i'm sayin'?"
+ Enrique Iglesias
+ film students
+ graduate film students
+ Freddie Prinze Jr. movies
+ Friends
+ girls who write letters to their buddies in class
+ Glen Helen Blockbuster Pavilion
+ guys who bleach their hair when they really shouldn't
+ guys who like to dance…and actually dance good
+ half-dollar coins
+ hand dryers
+ homeless people with funny signs
+ Hurley clothing
+ IMing somebody only to immediately receive an incoherent piece of another conversation as a response
+ internet pre-sales
+ Jay Leno
+ labrets
+ laughing acronyms
+ live albums
+ Lunchables
+ mail-in rebates
+ male cheerleaders
+ Miss Cleo
+ na-na-na choruses
+ the "new" TRL
+ nose piercings
+ "obey" Andre the Giant stickers
+ passive voice
+ people who applaud after a movie, like the actors can hear it
+ people who order from the healthy menu at a fast food restaurant
+ people who push crosswalk buttons repeatedly, like it's gonna make the traffic light change any quicker
+ people who say "guess what?" and actually make you guess
+ people who snicker when they hear or see the number "69"
+ people who stand on a moving walkway
+ people who stroll
+ people who take the elevator to the second floor of a building
+ Planet Hollywood
+ police synonyms for "yes"
+ pop-up ads
+ rap videos that tease another song at the end
+ Sanrio
+ The Scarlet Letter
+ the shot in a television newsmagazine interview segment where the interviewer and the interviewee stroll through a peaceful locale together and pretend to chat casually
+ "straight-edge"
+ t-shirts with marijuana-related parodies of corporate logos
+ the band Live
+ the midget from Austin Powers 2
+ the "vegetables" in a cup o' noodles
+ Ticketmaster
+ Ticketmaster wristbands
+ the two or three near-misses before a character in a movie actually drinks a bodily fluid they mistake for a delicious beverage
+ using numbers in place of letters
+ warm soda
+ when a vending machine vends you warm soda
+ Wheel of Fortune
+ white kids who wear Fubu clothing
+ Windows messenger
+ weird-flavored potato chips

Capitalism Stole My Virginity

Comedy Central is making a host of original programming changes. Among them: the cable channel has cancelled The Chris Wylde Show and hired radio comic Sal Iacano, Jimmy Kimmel's "Cousin Sal" on KROQ, to replace Nancy Pimental as co-host of Win Ben Stein's Money. It has also added Carmen Electra and comedians Brad Wollack and Arj Barker to Battle Bots. Out with the trash, in with the…trash.

A special screening of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone Sunday was greeted by a small band of protesters from a U.S. interest group accusing Coca-Cola Co. of using its sponsorship of the movie to peddle junk food to children. In other news, the November 16 afternoon screening of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone at the Mann Village will be greeted by a small band of protesters from a U.S. "interest group" accusing J.K. Rowling, Scholastic, and Warner Bros. of peddling stupid fuckin' gay kiddie magic shit to children.

Nine bare-breasted women briefly halted logging work near California's contested Headwaters Forest on Friday in a protest against what they said was unconscionable logging of redwood trees. "To log the hole in the Headwaters is like raping a virgin, because the Headwaters Forest Preserve is supposed to be kept intact and virginal," said Dona Nieto, a California activist who has staged several "Strip Tease for the Trees" protests. Hmmm. Note to self: if ever faced with a life-or-death situation involving castration, be sure to have some of these girls around.

Malcolm in the Middle has made the cut for Super Bowl XXXVI. Fox will run a special hourlong episode of the Emmy-winning family comedy following its February 3 telecast of the NFL's championship game. Malcolm creator/executive producer Linwood Boomer declined to reveal many specifics about the episode, but said it will revolve around a family excursion to Hal's company picnic. Moreover, Boomer said the show is hard at work lining up high-wattage guest stars for the episode.

NBC has been plugging the fuck outta its Jennifer Lopez concert special on November 20th, going so far as to have Al Roker tie the special to Shakespeare in Love the other night during its telecast of the Academy Award winning movie (note the "award winning" part) and then world premiering Ms. Lo's new video "Ain't it Funny" on network television.

"Jennifer journeys to the sultry island of Puerto Rico to perform with her trademark energy and distinct voice before sold out crowds of exuberant fans. Her first concert! Her first network special! Don't miss a beat of this exclusive NBC event!"

I can't believe NBC actually paid for a Jennifer Lopez concert special. CBS has Michael Jackson, HBO has Britney Spears, NBC has a former fly girl who used to suck Puff Daddy P. Diddy's cock. Eh. I'm sure many people will still tune in, just with the mute button on.

Speaking of people with upcoming concert specials, here's a coupla blurbs I found in Spin magazine:

Jennifer Lopez featuring Ja Rule – "I'm Real (Remix)"
But she's totally not. There's a realer version of this song out there, in the form of Mya's "Free" – matching melody, same sentiment, but with actual singing! J. Lo's just doing the hustle, intent on reciting every pop homily in scribbed grammar before they deport her back to Cinemascope, leaving behind nothing but transcendental sex appeal and a vacant party atmosphere.

Britney Spears – "I'm a Slave 4 U"
But she's totally not! Why would she say that?

What's up with Shakira's voice? It sounds like a cross between Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera recorded at a turkey-calling contest.

I think I'm-a explicate the buttons on the sidebar. I take great pride in trying to branch out beyond the sick Ogre-Jansson-Wanker link orgy. First, we have Airtoons, the only non E/N site featured. God, I hate the term "E/N." Everything/Nothing. What the fuck? Why not just reclassify this genre of sites as "digital egos," because that's what an E/N site really is – Joe Bloggs' 15 MB of fame. Whoo! Airtoons was, strangely enough, the site that actually drew me into the world of slick binary dicks. Airtoons linked me to Robotskull which linked me to Lameking which linked me to Punogre which linked me to WankerCounty which was in Footloose with…Kevin Bacon! If I link WankerCounty, I guess I should also link WankerCounty's bitch, Funky Fresh. Likewise, if I link Punogre, I guess I should also link TheHoowa, the Indian version of Punogre (the guy even looks like Ogre!). Next, we have Absent-Minded, the latest project by a kid named Mek, who used to run Kunfusion, one of the first Me sites that I visited religiously. Granted, Absent-Minded is not for everybody (Slipknot fan in the house), but I enjoy Mek's work. Then again, I also enjoy TV dinners and Kid Rock. [pause] Hoe Hater hasn't updated in ages. It's become the Nick-at-Nite of the internet. Oh well. Get your kicks at Just Plain Dan instead. Not to brag or anything, but I once met Dan in person! How cool is that? Yeah, he and I went to high school together. Nowadays, Dan masquerades as a hippie college student. Don't hate him 'cause he likes Macs though. He's funnah. Finally, there's a button for [cough] Telcobox. Why, you ask? Well, I wanted to have easy access to a shitty site so that I have a place to go and feel better about myself whenever I have an off post. Plus, it's such a pathetic immature little button that I couldn't resist. This doesn't mean that the TB fuckers are off the hook for jamming the fax machine at my home in MOUNTAIN VIEW last week. What were you guys thinking? My dad called me up in LOS ANGELES asking me if I knew why a bunch of blank pages were being sent to him. Heeeeeelarious. [sigh] Arizona, California, Florida, Georgia, Maine, Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. Wow. Screw the President. My buttons unite the country!

Attention! Jord has NOT left the internet! He is still alive and sends his best wishes:

XBox. Sounds like a term for former girlfriends. That would make current girlfriends…Gamecubes.


It's 11-11. Do you know where your airplanes are?

I hate it when I spend a whole day doing absolutely squat. It's such a waste of mind, made worse by the fact that everybody else seems to have things to do and people to see. A good measure of the patheticity of your life is your AIM buddy list. The more buddies you have who are either offline or away, the more your self-esteem plummets. Somebody play with me. Please. [sigh] I pray that Sunday fares better, especially with the season premieres of The Simpsons and Malcolm in the Middle there to boost morale.

What's up for The Simpsons this season? Well, Comic Book Guy is set to have a life-shattering encounter with Marvel comics mastermind Stan Lee (providing his own voice). Another episode will introduce the family of the action hero McBain; his daughter, voiced by Reese Witherspoon, will develop a crush on Bart. Meanwhile, veteran actor Dennis Weaver (star of Gunsmoke) will play a former cowboy actor who befriends Bart. Other episodes will include Homer's experimentation with medical marijuana (that's when the members of Phish show up) as well as voice appearances from, among others, Richard Gere, Ben Stiller, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Paul Newman, Jane Kaczmarek, and Jon Lovitz.

Ken Kesey, who railed against authority in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and orchestrated an LSD-fueled bus ride that helped immortalize the psychedelic 1960s, died Saturday. He was 66. Let's all be like Fonzie and go read One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, one of the greatest books ever.

Okay, I made the mistake of updating under the influence of nighttime cold medicine. Muy drowsy I am. Weeeeeeeeee! [passes out]

We Are Building a Religion

pyxis 042: oh my god, i can't believe jord actually drove to this guy's house and ambushed him with a water gun
pyxis 042: you guys are so retarded!!!
pyxis 042: it's like the sharks and the jets…and just as lame as their dance-fighting
pyxis 042: you know, jord's kinda hot
pyxis 042: i like the way he pulls his socks up with his shorts
pyxis 042: it's cute

later… (on the KFC Twister reviews)
pyxis 042: it's not a pita, it's a tortilla
pyxis 042: you would think a mexican would know that
pyxis 042: hey, tony used the word 'sammiches'
pyxis 042: cool

My friend Katy, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, my plan to go see Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with a bunch of goths fell through. Apparently, very few goths attend UCLA. Oh well. Time for plan B. My friends and I (yes, REAL friends) have decided to get really drunk at lunch on opening day and then go watch the afternoon showing, which I guarantee will be packed with children. What's more, we plan to sit at the front of the theater balcony and during the climax of the movie, take our shirts off, twist them around our heads, and spin them like a helicopter. W00t. It'll be fun.

I do a lot of stupid shit (re: yesterday's post) and while it's fun, in the end, I don't come away any more of a better person. The costs always outweigh the benefits. Take the now infamous jar of saliva, for example…

Yes, it's real, and yes, I diligently brought it to fruition over a fortnight last November. It was fun while it lasted, but now I don't know what to do with this jar of my saliva. To this day, it sits in my closet, unopened since the last drop of saliva was gleaned. I thought about giving it to somebody for Christmas. Eh. If you want it, give me a call at (310) 267-6150.

I wanna be able to capitalize on my limited engagements of mindless fun. I spent $15 putting together the Halloweenie Roast bloody patriot stunt this year, $15 of fame that I'm never gonna get back. Why bother if financially, I'm-a end up on the shit end of the stick? I ought to make one of those profitable CKY videos, which just about every teenage boy has seen in some form by now. I mean, if Bam Margera (a skateboarder!) can be immortalized for assembling badly shot footage of him and his buddies goofing around, so can I. The following are a few workable pieces that I wanna capture on tape:

• 100-gallon milk bath in the middle of Harlem
• backyard wrestling…with animals!
• high dive belly flop contest
• naked paintballing
• Robert makes Jon give Howard a blow job
• salad shooter shootout
• secretly secure cell phones underneath every seat in a large movie theater and program them to go off one after the other during a sold-out movie
• shitting in urinals
• vomiting on household pets
• vomiting into the mouths of household pets

In its early years, Fox had a Candid Camera-ish show called Totally Hidden Video, and on one episode, quite possibly the meanest stunt ever was aired. Producers found a high school gymnasium where the basketball court opened up to reveal an indoor swimming pool underneath, and they convinced high school alumni to hold their 50th reunion inside this particular gym on that very basketball court. Cut to a shot of all these old people enjoying themselves when suddenly, the floor starts splitting into two pieces, and the fun begins. I'll never forget this one shot of a helpless old lady just sitting there at the bottom of the pool surrounded by sunken furniture without the slightest clue as to what's going on. Get a hold of yourself, woman!

The mother of former football star O.J. Simpson, 80-year-old Eunice Simpson, died Friday. Insert your own joke here.

More grades! I got an A- on my English midterm but botched a pop quiz today in discussion section. Weeeeee. There goes my English class grade.

The Most Offensive Post Ever


Whoo! I got a fanpic!

Wait. That kinda looks like my room at home. Jesus ranch! MOM? Oh, for crying out loud! That's just wrong. And who is that man? Is that Winston's piano teacher? Good lord…

I guess it's true what they say: "Women are like dog doo here me through don't interrupt. It's just the older that they are the easier they get to pick-up."

When you have writer's block, resort to posting the lowest common denominator.

Mike Smith screams as he is pierced with his 87th needle by 3rd Dimension Tattoos and Piercing co-owner Burt Terrien as Smith goes for an unofficial record for the most piercings in one sitting. Smith surpassed the world record with a total of 132 piercings.

Known to friends as "Freak Show Mikey," the 19-year-old has 15 permanent piercings, including "flesh tunnels" in each ear that hold discs about an inch in diameter, and a so-called "Prince Albert" in a very delicate part of the male anatomy.

Prior to his ordeal, Smith estimates his body had been pierced between 55 and 60 times, with most holes allowed to heal over.

"After a while, normal piercings didn't do anything to me," he said. "I'm taking it to the next level."

Smith also bears 13 tattoos, including on his face, and a brand burned into his chest that reads: "Tribal." full story

Dude, he's 19 years old. I'm 19 years old. Why am I going nowhere slow in school while he's making news for being a dumbass? It's not fair. I'm a perfectly good dumbass too! Somebody write about me!

I forgot to note in yesterday's post how frustrated I am with Sum 41. The band members are barely older than me, but thanks to MTV and one blatant Beastie Boys/Blink-182 hybrid fluke, suddenly they're bona fide rock stars. Hey, I can write three note songs about being a rebel loser in love, rap, and suck live. Where are my teenybopper fans? Why am I not getting wasted every night and acting like a lovable retard on television?

Would you fuck this man? Apparently, lots of people would, so many that somebody actually made a documentary about him.

"Ron Jeremy isn't really what you'd call easy on the eyes. Some would even go so far as to say he's unattractive. Yet he's one of the most popular stars in the history of adult film. His fans call him the 'Hedgehog.' He's short, fat, and hairy. And he's paid very well to have sex with thousands of beautiful women. Some people would call him the luckiest man in the world."

Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy opens a limited Los Angeles engagement November 30 at the Landmark Nuart Theatre and Ron Jeremy will be making a personal appearance. Donna, cancel my appointments for that night. Oh, and get me something to write home about.

Fuck me! It's a three day weekend! I've never loved veterans this much. One, two, three. Can you smell what I'm cookin'?

Yo mama's so fat…
(out of 185 votes)

god created her, and on the seventh day, he rested • 103 votes • 56%
her nickname is "damn" • 64 votes • 35%
i had to take a train and two buses to get on her good side • 3 votes • 2%
physics textbooks were changed to say, "what goes up, must come down…except yo mama" • 6 votes • 3%
whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in • 9 votes • 5%

This poll is for all the fat chicks! Woooooo!

Cannibal Holocaust

Okay, whoever keeps sending me these beautiful Photoshop pieces involving Telcobox Mike, I appreciate your input, but if you wanna bash Mike, be civil about it and do it on a WankerCounty comments board.

What the hell happened to WankerCounty? It used to be so wholesome. Back in the day, the WC boys would chastise Jord for using the word "shit." Nowadays, I don't know whether I'm looking at WankerCounty or Dr. Seuss' Stile Project. I mean, the WC boys aren't old enough to legally watch an R-rated movie yet, let alone besmirch the internet with their brand of vile language and heterosexual pornography. WankerCounty coulda been something. It coulda been a contender, instead of a dirty dirty website, which is what it is. Goddamn you, puberty! GODDAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

In the interest of fairness, here's how to make a WankerCounty post:

If your name is Jord…
1. smoke crack
2. assemble several random journal entries together
3. supplement with lots of images of yourself
4. basically, build a digital shrine to yourself
5. repeat frequently
6. (optional) announce that you are taking a break from the site only to return shortly and expect much praise
7. (also optional) good spelling, grammar, and punctuation

If you name is Jon…
1. posts? what posts?
If your name is Bob…
1. be sure to write in ebonics
2. adopt a nickname for yourself and declare that "you are here"
3. insert a short humorous piece revolving around the school you currently attend
4. declare that "you are leaving"

If your name is Matt…
1-10. ask for fanpics
11. show off the few fanpics received
12-20. ask for more fanpics

If you name is Tony…
1. post images of yourself with crazy-funny facial expressions (wide open eyes a plus!)
2. post images of yourself playing with shit in your room
3. post images of yourself with crazy-funny facial expressions playing with shit in your room
4. plug your article

If your name is J-Ram…
1. do everything in your power to come off as a complete fuckin' moron

The UCLA men's basketball season kicks off tonight. Whoo! Ever since my school's football team decided to suck B-C-ass, I've been awaiting the day I could rub FOUR RETURNING STARTERS in people's faces. I've said it before and I'll say it again: college basketball is the best spectator sport ever. Short games, tall men, one helluva good time. Krzyzewski still must die though.

*NSYNC, Bon Jovi, and Christina Aguilera have signed on to perform at the closing ceremonies of the 2002 Olympic Winter Games on February 24. The question is: will any of them still be relevant come next February?

I grew up spending my afternoons watching shows like Tiny Toon Adventures and Fun House, so it's sad to hear that Fox is getting out of the weekday kids television business and will hand the two-hour afternoon block back to affiliates. Fox Kids will still exist as a four-hour block on Saturdays, but affiliates will be allowed to start programming the 2-4 p.m. time period themselves starting December 31. [sigh]

It's that time again. Grades! I got an A- on my first film paper and an A+ on the film midterm. On the other hand, I got a C on my first English paper. The TA said it was "arbitrary" and "cursory." Whatever, dude.

Now, I'm no stranger to receiving Cs, Ds, and even Fs in school and honestly, I don't particularly care that I got a C on this paper. Like any college paper, it was, after all, churned out in one night. What bothers me, however, is that the road to a successful career in America today plays like a game of Jenga, where one bad move can topple the whole tower. If this is how it's gonna be, then why is my immediate fate in the hands of unattractive incompetent prick TAs?

Unlike my peers, I was slow to pick up on the fact that school sucks, but after 14 consecutive months of seeking higher education, I've grown to loathe the painfully incessant cycle of reading boring texts, writing shitty papers, and regurgitating the boring texts in a blue book under time constraints twice a quarter. Plus, thanks to the undergraduate liberal arts policy of the University of California, I'm forced to subject myself to the latter cycle in classes that I have absolutely no interest in. Stupid general education requirements. Why must I explicate Baldassare Castiglione's The Courtier when all I really wanna do in life is get chokeslammed off the top of a steel cage and direct music videos for Linkin Park?

You know what we need to bring back? Apprenticeships.