Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

Ladies and gentlemen, you are witnessing history in the making. The images you see here are the first commissioned photographs of me in two years. I may not be wearing a Jigglypuff costume or disguised as a black guy named Joshua, but I tried real hard to get into the spirit of Halloween 2001, and I hope I succeeded. Some pre-show entertainment:

What a Halloweenie Roast. Whoo!

Katy on AIM:
pyxis 042: have you seen this guy from the banner ads on websites?
pyxis 042: where did they find a dude who looks like he's somehow white, asian, and black all at once?

Trailers for Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones will screen before Monsters, Inc., which opens Friday.

Iron Chef, the dubbed Japanese cult hit that mates The Frugal Gourmet with the WWF, is about to undergo a full-scale Americanization. Two Iron Chef USA specials, filmed in July at Las Vegas' MGM Grand hotel, will air on UPN in November. Replacing Chairman Kaga as host will be William Shatner.

"Sisqó" has purportedly become a popular derogatory euphemism for those suspected of being homosexual.

Warner Bros. confirmed Monday that its hugely anticipated Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, the first film based on J.K. Rowling's wildly popular fantasy franchise, has clocked in at 152 minutes and 13 seconds. Film journalist Marshall Julius, reflecting on the movie that is to be given its world premiere in London on Sunday, said: "It is entirely possible that this will become the biggest grossing film ever."

The main event for WWF Survivor Series on November 18 in Greensboro will be a ten-man elimination match with Shane McMahon, Booker T, Kurt Angle, Rob Van Dam, and Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Vince McMahon, The Undertaker, Kane, The Rock, and Chris Jericho.

Saves The Day will play a free concert this Saturday at the Universal City Walk as part of "XBox Unleashed," a 48-hour promotional video game marathon.

The latest issue of Spin magazine has a feature on gaming 2001. The following are some memorable moments from the piece:

Console Battle
Nintendo Gamecube vs. Sony PlayStation 2 vs. Microsoft XBox
Gamecube = Jackie Chan
Small, goofy, fun, limber, masterful
FIGHTING STYLE: Fancy Hong Kong opera slapstick
PS2 = Michelle Yeoh
Experienced, crowd-pleasing, savvy, sexy, thorough
FIGHTING STYLE: Death from above
XBox = Dolph Lundgren
Thick, hulking, strong, secretly quite smart
FIGHTING STYLE: Cyborg special ops

Crash Bandicoot: Wrath of Cortex
At what point does it stop being harmless, good-natured mascoteering and start being corporate whoring? Approximately now.

The Sims: Hot Date Expansion Pack
In a desperate plea to help agoraphobic desktop jockeys everywhere, Electronic Arts takes its popular sim to the place that no gaming geekster ever dared go: a date. Unadulterated genius.

Frogger: The Great Quest
SYNOPSIS: Take Frogger on a froggy quest and interact with all his froggy friends in what may be the worst idea for a video game ever.
GAME'S BEST FEATURE: That it goes away when you violently unplug the PS2.

Outlaw Golf
Screw Tiger Woods. If there ever was a sport that needed a shot in the pants, it's golf. Simon & Schuster allows you to break car windows and pummel your own caddie. Play as ex-cons, rappers, and pimps. You, too, can be a bad boy for life.

Charts We Would Have Included if We Had More Room
But We Didn't
The XBox controller vs. a brick

Who kicks the most ass?
(out of 2245 votes)

Jackie Chan • 66 votes • 3%
Sammo Hung • 3 votes • 0%
Bruce Lee • 254 votes • 11%
Chun-Li • 42 votes • 2%
Jet Li • 1725 votes • 77%
Stroke 9 • 3 votes • 0%
Chow Yun-Fat • 45 votes • 2%
Zhang Ziyi • 107 votes • 5%

Okay, I don't IP block to make polls more interesting, but this is ridiculous.

Laces Out

The Beastie Boys played their first show in more than two-and-a-half years on October 28 at New York's Hammerstein Ballroom, at the first of two New Yorkers Against Violence benefits, which the rap trio organized.

Hitting the live stage for the first time since the Tibetan Freedom Concert in July 1999, the Beastie Boys played a 40-minute hip-hop set, running through a smorgasbord of tunes such as "Intergalactic," "Root Down," "Sure Shot," and "Pass the Mic" with DJ Mixmaster Mike providing the beats. The rust was apparent, with group members Adam Yauch and Adam Horovitz asking to stop the music at points because they didn't remember lyrics. But the minimalist set-up allowed them to touch on material spanning their career and easily segue from one song to the next.

The following day…

Mike D: [sigh]
Adrock: [sigh]
MCA: [sigh]
Adrock: Matlock is the shizzle.
Mike D: You got that right.
Adrock: Andy Griffith, man…total genius.
Mike D: Yee. [pause] Hey, I just came up with this beat. Check it out. Da da. Da. Da da da da. Da da da.
Adrock: Hmmm. Da da. Da. Da da da da. Da da da.
Mike D: Yeah, except you gotta give that third "da" some major vibrato. Da da. Da-o-a-o-a-o-a.
Adrock: Da da. Da-o-a-e-a-o-a?
Mike D: Close. You like it? You like my beat creation?
Adrock: Yee.
Mike D: How 'bout you, Yauch?
MCA: Free Tibet!
Mike D: I'll take that as a "yes." What do you guys say about using this beat on the next record?
Adrock: Record? What's a record?
Mike D: It's what we used to make. Remember?
Adrock: You mean, like, License To Ill and Paul's Boutique? Those things?
Mike D: Yeah. Records. How about we make a new one?
Adrock: ANOTHER RECORD? But we just made one!
Mike D: …in 1998.
Adrock: No, I'm talking about the latest record, the one released after Hello Nasty.
Mike D: The greatest hits record?
Adrock: Yee.
Mike D: Dude, that's not a real record! That's us milking our fans with a do-it-yourself mix CD.
MCA: Free Tibet!
Mike D: You stay out of this, Yauch. All I'm saying is that I think it's time we go back into the studio and work on something that we can drop on our loyal fans in, say, 2005.
Adrock: Is that enough time to make a record?
Mike D: Maybe. Let me call Mike to see what his schedule is.
[Mike D uses telephone speed dial]
?: Hello?
Mike D: …
Mike D's Mom: Michael! How are you? Did you get the George Foreman grill I sent?
Mike D: Yeah…
Mike D's Mom: It's so nice to hear from you. How was the show at the Hammerstein Ballroom?
Mike D: It was…uh…good.
Mike D's Mom: I wish I could have been there to see you. Unfortunately, I was busy baking a lemon pound cake.
Mike D: Oh…
Mike D's Mom: You absolutely must have a nosh of this pound cake. It's out of this world.
Mike D: Really…
Mike D's Mom: So, how's Tamra?
Mike D: She's…good.
Mike D's Mom: If you ever need me to babysit…
Mike D: Mom, we don't have kids.
Mike D's Mom: Ah. I see. Well, maybe sometime you and I can go to the mall together and buy you some new cl-
[Mike D hangs up]
Mike D: Since when does speed dial number one direct to my mom? It's that janitor boy Tony. I just know he's behind this. Fuckin' A!
[Mike D uses telephone manually]
?: Hello?
Mike D: Mike!
Mixmaster Mike: Mike! 'Sup?
Mike D: Yo, the boys and I are thinking about making a new record and we want to know what your schedule is.
Mixmaster Mike: My schedule? Fuhgeddaboudit! I'm booked like the Bible.
Mike D: What do you mean? You just played with us last night at the Ballroom.
Mixmaster Mike: Yeah, but that was for old times sake.
Mike D: Old times sake? And what, pray tell, is your "real time" project?
Mixmaster Mike: I'm going on tour with Dream Street.
Mike D: Dream Street? The pop music male bait phenomenon? That Dream Street?
Mixmaster Mike: Yee.
Mike D: But you're supposed to be our man, Mike!
Mixmaster Mike: Look, I gotta pay the bills, and I can't do it sittin' on my ass shittin' out BS side projects.
Mike D: [pause] All righty then. I officially disown you from the Beastie family. Peace.
[Mike D hangs up]
Adrock: What'd he say?
Mike D: He's busy.
Adrock: Busy? With what?
Mike D: He's going on tour with…Dream Street.
Adrock: The pop music male bait phenomenon? That Dream Street?
Mike D: Yee.
Adrock: Dammit! We're gonna have to find us a collaborator. [pause] What about Moby? He's into spiritual new age Buddhist shit too, right?
Mike D: Nah. He's into spiritual new age Christian shit.
Adrock: Eh. How about Max Martin?
Mike D: The Swedish guy?
Adrock: Yee.
Mike D: You know, that actually might w-
Adrock: HOLD UP.
Mike D: What?
Adrock: I just had a vision. Buddha was talking to me and he told me to use his words as lyrics on our next record.
Mike D: Whoa. What did he say?
MCA: Free Tibet!
Mike D: Shut up, Yauch! Seriously, what did he say?
Adrock: People, how you doing? There's a new day dawning. For the Earth Mother, it's a brand new morning.
Mike D: Adam, those are lyrics from "Jimmy James." Stop tweakin' so much.
Adrock: WAIT. Buddha's not done channeling his lyrics to me.
Mike D: [groan] What is he saying now? "I'll stir fry you in my wok"?
Adrock: Shhh… I'm picking up his rhetorical signal. He's saying, "Don't you get it bitch? No one can hear you. Now shut the fuck up and get what's comin' to you. You were supposed to love me! Now bleed, bitch, bleed! BLEED, BITCH, BLEED! BLEEEEED!"
Mike D: Oh, for Christ's sake…
[enter Tamra Davis]
Tamra: Hi, honey! I'm home!
Mike D: Tammy D! Did you get what I wanted?
Tamra: Yup. Gerber bananas and sweet potatoes and Depends.
[Mike D looks at the Depends]
Mike D: Tam, I asked you to buy the Depends with the button straps. These are regular Depends!
Tamra: I'm sorry, Mike. I really am. Why don't you go buy your own disposable undergarments?
Mike D: Ahem. My leg is broken.
Tamra: And how did you break it? Riding that stupid bike of yours. How many times to date have you fallen off that bike? Three? Four? Five? I keep tellin' you to stick to walking, but no, you don't listen. You never listen to me. If you had taken my economic advice, Grand Royal would still exist today.
Mike D: Hah. Like I should take advice from the director of Half-Baked.
Tamra: Fuck you.
Mike D: Tam, do me a favor. I want you to concentrate on the palm of my hand as it approaches the left side of your face.
Tamra: I HATE YOU, MIKE!!!
MCA: Simma down! Please… Consider your karma. Domestic violence is bad. Don't hit women, Mike, because you might be reincarnated as one. Let them be. Save the children. Remember what BEASTIE is an acronym for: Boys Entering Anarchistic States Toward Internal Excellence. You see, BEASTIE equals nirvana. We must not allow the outside world disturb our internal equilibrium. Let us stop fighting and instead work towards extinguishing our individual existences, absorbing our souls into the supreme spirit, and ultimately achieving perfect blessedness and harmony.
Tamra: Hey, Yauch. When's your next appointment to be fucked in the ass by the Dalai Lama? Or did Richard Gere already satisfy your weekly intake of Chow Yun chode?
MCA: Okay, now you've gone and done it, bee-atch!
[antics ensue]

Dedicated to all the pubic-hair-less fans of WankerCounty and that retarded chick Allie.

I'll Kill Your Cat, You Kill My Dog

Jon: Hornblower, what does the color of this Telcobox kid's hair look like to you?
Rory: Um…desert freshness?
Jon: No no no. What does the color of his hair look like? [nudge nudge wink wink]
Rory: Cool, refreshing autumn?
Jon: NO. Look at it! What does the color of his hair REALLY look like?
Rory: Uh…liquid sunshine?
Jon: …Liquid sunshine. The color of Ubiquity's hair looks EXACTLY like…liquid sunshine.

Film history can eat my ass.

go • chemistry comes alive! sample movies
go • demotivators
go • former child star central
go • frieda and guido's interactive underwear
go • kitty

Official Chemical Visual Missile

I wanted to do something special for the Halloweenie Roast this year, so I decided to exhume a classic Adam Riff™ feature, updated and digitally remastered for your enjoyment. Without further ado, this is…

I am going to hell.

I saw the documentary Scratch tonight and…wow. I sincerely hope these talented young men known as DJs don't develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in old age. From the director of Hype!, a chronicle of the Seattle grunge music scene, Scratch plays like a textbook on turntables as instruments and features some really funny interviews with Mix Master Mike, QBert, and Cut Chemist, among others. Plus, the movie includes footage of the last Invisibl Skratch Piklz live performance and the deification of Grand Mixer DXT and his pioneering turntable work on Herbie Hancock's "Rockit." I feel like a dumbass now for not acting on Mr. Bob's words sooner than I did. Oh well. Scratch hits theaters in February 2002.

When you think about it, turntablism is the only true race-blind field of music. You don't see very many African-American punk rock bands or Hispanic country singers out there, but DJs come in all different shapes and sizes. Currently, the most admired scratch artist is Filipino. How many Filipino celebrities can you name?

Why are firemen getting so much attention nowadays? We treat them like gods. What about me? I'm a good Samaritan too. I recycle. I return my library books on time. Where's my benefit concert? Granted, I didn't put my life on the line to rescue people trapped in skyscraper rubble, but I got a 4 on my AP US history exam! Let's see those firemen write a timed essay on the Teapot Dome Scandal. I bet you they can't. 'Course, I probably couldn't either, but who cares about Warren Harding when Temptation Island 2 debuts in November?

McDonald's added bratwurst to its menu. Mc-fuckin'-Donald's. Business must be down, way down, for the fast food industry when McDonald's and Burger King (note the "burger") resort to hawking tacos and German food. What's next? Egg rolls at Taco Bell and kreplach at Dunkin' Donuts? Jesus ranch…

I want a Cracker Barrel in southern California, a Cracker Barrel and maybe a White Castle as well. We already lured Krispy Kreme to abandon the Carolinas for our sunny beaches. Now, if only Cracker Barrel would pack up and head out to the left coast. Without thinking, I'd trade the entire southwest-based Del Taco franchise for just one Cracker Barrel in the greater Los Angeles area.

Most likely to be mistaken for a feminine hygiene product:
(out of 119 votes)

anthrax • 15 votes • 13%
k-pax • 61 votes • 51%
xbox • 9 votes • 8%
scudco • 34 votes • 29%
The extra cheese on the taco alone has been worth the trip.

Irritable Vowel Syndrome

"I don't care much about my opinions. I find them tiresome and predictable." – Leonard Cohen

Oh man… I'm not particularly worried about a bioterrorism attack in southern California. First of all, nobody sends me any mail. Secondly, I learned in a class on bioterrorism last spring that the most effective way to disseminate a biological weapon, be it anthrax or smallpox, is to release a fine powder form of the infectant amidst a large outdoor crowd or package that very powder in a jar, throw the jar in a subway tunnel, and let the wind chunnel entailed in a subway system spread the joy. [cough] Los Angeles does not have a professional football team, nobody gives a fuck about the Dodgers, and public transportation here is a joke. I rest my case.

I fuckin' hate the Los Angeles Metro bus system. No, I take that back. I fuckin' hate not having a car because I always find myself playing Russian roulette with the Metro. Will the bus come? Will the bus come…on time? If the bus does come, will it go faster than 10 mph? Goddammit! Fuck the Metro. I wouldn't have to deal with the stupid 2 bus were it not for Resfest.

Resfest, a digital film festival, hits Hollywood this weekend. Why study for midterms when you can watch music videos in a movie theater? Visual-oriented music videos too. None of this TRL dancing shit. It was so cool. Take a look at this year's Cinema Electronica program to understand why:

"Actionist Respoke" – Mouse on Mars
"Aerodynamic" – Daft Punk
"As Days Go By" – Dirty Vegas
"The Beamer" – Spacer
"Four Ton Mantis" – Amon Tobin
"Italian Waffles" – Mujaji
"Jazz Overload" – Tino
"Juxtapozed with U" – Super Furry Animals
"Midfield General" – Midfielding
"19-2000" – Gorillaz
"Oi" – Orbital
"Pyramid Song" – Radiohead
"Scratched" – Etienne de Crecy
"The Second Line" – Clinic
"Some Kind of Kink" – Red Snapper
"Weapon of Choice" – Fatboy Slim
"Ya Mama" – Fatboy Slim

red = my favorites

I saw the uncensored version of Gorillaz' "19-2000" video and the Fatboy Slim "Ya Mama" video that was inexplicably banned from MTV. YOU didn't. Nyuck…nyuck.

To pay my dues to Mr. Bob (finally), I also secured tickets for Saturday night's Resfest presentation of Doug Pray's Scratch, a documentary that traces the creation of turntablism through interviews and performances by the DJs behind the movement, including QBert, DJ Shadow, Mix Master Mike, and Cut Chemist. Scheduling conflicts, however, prevent me from attending the one other Resfest program that looked interesting – a screening of the best movie title sequences of 2000 and 2001.

It's disturbing how shady Hollywood is. Everybody was asking me for cigarettes tonight. No, I don't have any cigarettes. Do I look Korean?

The UCLA Daily Bruin newspaper has a sex column in the viewpoint pages wherein "knowledgeable" journalists proselytize about, well, sex. Recently, for example, some ugly female writer elucidated the benefits of stimulating your anus during masturbation. See, this is why I stopped writing for student newspapers after high school. If you're gonna be stupid, at least have the decency to do it on the internet. Today, I opened up the Daily Bruin and saw the sex columnists at work again, infiltrating a battlefield of wartime editorials to rave about the latest fad diet: penis. "With 5 calories a serving, ample protein, sperm does a body good." Such professionalism.

This horrible rash broke out in my genital region this week. Unless my pillow has herpes, I can't explain it, and it's just become increasingly redder and itchier by the day. I need some hydrocortisone.

Okay, I don't think Survivor diet Friday is such a good idea anymore. Last week, I fucked up my gums in a futile attempt to glean blood and today, I subjected myself to plain oatmeal only because I couldn't find alternative substitutes for the grain mush shit our survivors ate last night on television. I'm gonna give this diet project one more week before I simply vote myself off supermodel insanity.

(310) 267-6150. Call me, Shakira.

America's favorite quarter-Asian couple Greg and Katy plan to dress up as Ja Rule and J. Lo for Halloween. I was informed that Greg would don a doo rag and wife beater, then drop trou and E for an instant Ja Rule look, while Katy would slut her stuff in a meticulously assembled J. Lo outfit hanging on a body slathered in bronzer for that faux Puerto Rican tan. [pause] How can I possibly compete? I can't, so this Halloween, watch me shave my head and douse myself in fake blood. Why shave my head too? Because I've watched enough wrestling to know that bald men bleed best. Yes, it's an unoriginal stunt, and yes, it's tasteless, but hey, I'm lazy, I'm cheap, and I figure it's gotta enhance the experience of taking lecture notes somehow. Happy Halloween.

Asian Orange

I read that all-American Stickboy wants to attend USC. That's cool. I mean, USC is a good school…for me to poop on, but hey, it's his prerogative to blow thousands of dollars seeking higher education in the ghetto.

Didn't you learn anything from the Godfather trilogy, Michael? In the end, nice guys never win. Go play around in Photoshop and try to make yourself look moderately attractive. You gotta compensate for that lack of brainpower somehow.

Speaking of being an embarrassment to men, look what I dug up:

the saga continues (sadly)…

Agent Stickboy: Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
VirtualPriest: What sins do you have to confess, my son?
Agent Stickboy: Well, father, I…uh…I…
VirtualPriest: You can say it. God will forgive.
Agent Stickboy: I dunno… It's pretty bad, father. I…uh…
VirtualPriest: Remorse is the first step to absolution, son.
Agent Stickboy: But this is really, really bad.
VirtualPriest: I've heard worse, my son – I assure you. I…used to work near the day care center.
Agent Stickboy: But this is just about the absolute worst thing you're ever gonna hear.
VirtualPriest: Well then, all the better you confess it.
Agent Stickboy: Well, it's…it's that I…I love Jesus, father.
VirtualPriest: …You love Jesus?
Agent Stickboy: Yeah.
VirtualPriest: Well, that's no sin, my son. In fact
Agent Stickboy: No, no, father. You don't understand. I…love…Jesus.
VirtualPriest: You…love…Jesus.
Agent Stickboy: Yeah. Well, did you ever take a good look at him?
VirtualPriest: Well…
Agent Stickboy: I mean, he is one good lookin' man.
VirtualPriest: …
Agent Stickboy: I mean, if you ever get a look at one of those full-bodied renderings, like on stained-glassed windows, check out the ass on that guy! Va-va-va-voom! I mean, that is one heck of a nice tush. Jesus is a full serving of what I like! He could sure turn my water into wine! I'd like to jump his resurrected bones! Wouldn't mind takin' a peek under that robe of his!
VirtualPriest: Gah!
Agent Stickboy: Peek-a-boo! Who's in there? Holy hunk! Hehe. I'd think I died and gone to hunk heaven! He can be my salvation, I'll tell you! SAVE ME, JESUS, SAVE ME!!! Use your big strong arms and save me! Then, I'll get on my knees and pray!
VirtualPriest: STOP! STOP! PLEASE…PLEASE STOP! You're right. I don't know if I can forgive you. You're sick.
Agent Stickboy: Oh, it gets worse, father.
VirtualPriest: NO. Don't tell me…
VirtualPriest: My son!
Agent Stickboy: I wanna fondle his crown of thorns and then pork him in the stigmata!
VirtualPriest: My son! MY SON!!! My son, the Catholic Church does not condone such behavior.

Does Jesus love Stickboy in return?!?
Will VirtualPriest hit on Stickboy now that the closet is open?!?
Is it really possible for this miniseries to lose more steam than a Chinese laundromat?!?

Y e s.

Hooray for plagiarism…Seth.

Finally, I want to send a message to ElBorishOne: Hockey, shitty hard rock, and camwhores with "titties." Well, aren't you a regular ladies man? Maybe you could loan some of that magical charm to your buddy Scudco. God knows his right hand needs a vacation. Get up! Come on, get down with the sickness! Ugh.

Black Gass, Cleveland Steamer

Can two dumpy guys on acoustic guitars performing songs with titles like "Fuck Her Gently" and "Kielbasa Sausage" draw a responsive audience? Apparently, yes. Wednesday night, in front of an sold-out hometown crowd, Tenacious D made a case for why they just might be the greatest rock band on earth. Now, I witnessed the D this summer at a radio show in New Jersey, but they were only allotted a 25-minute set. Tonight, however, Jack Black (yes, the actor) and Kyle Gass commanded the stage for two fuckin' hours and boy, rock and roll could never ever hip hop like this. Human power plant Black ringlead a raucous circus of music, comedy, and frat boy fun that was definitely not intended for uncool people.

The highlight of the night was a little play narrated by Black involving a sidehand dressed in a sasquatch costume featuring a floppy dick and another sidehand dressed as Osama Bin Laden. After Osama blew a bunch of anthrax in the sasquatch's face, the sasquatch, invulnerable to anthrax, knocked down Osama and proceeded to make Bin Laden suck his floppy dick, at which point fake semen started flying all over the stage and into the audience. As if that wasn't enough, the sasquatch then decided to shit on Osama, and while people were still figuring out how fake semen could ejaculate with such velocity out of a floppy costume dick, lo and behold, fake shit came down on Osama straight from the sasquatch's ass region. Whoo!

The Naked Trucker (Dave Allen) and his "midwestern" buddy Gerald (David Koechner) opened. You may remember the Naked Trucker as the counselor on Freaks and Geeks and yes, he was naked on stage. The duo played an idiot savant routine to remarkable effect, especially with a hick cover of Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice." Finally, a watchable opening act.

What can I say? $20 went a long way tonight. I mean, on top of the orgasm of a show, I sat a row behind "Weird Al" Yankovic and Joey Slotnick (Boston Public) and saw Bob Odenkirk (Mr. Show) in the theater lobby. How cool is that? Plus, when I was in the bathroom takin' a piss and gettin' a contact high, I ran into none other than Andy Dick, who I've seen in person before, but not with this male mommy figure he had following him around. Seriously.

"Andy, wash your hands!"

"Do I have to?"


Anyway, I secured tickets today to go see Weezer, Tenacious D, and Jimmy Eat World (all artists who I've already seen multiple times this year) again during Thanksgiving at the Long Beach Arena. I noticed that a one Mr. Warplayer will also be in attendance. Goodie goodie… I'll have to remember to bring a lighter so I can hunt him down and set his hair on fire.


"In the year 2000…a college student will take his first puff of marijuana and realize that 'soy milk' in Spanish means 'I am milk.' He will then laugh…for six solid hours."

Colin IMed me last night: "Give it up, Jon. This Telcobox thing is gettin' old. Your latest post lacks any coherency whatsoever." Then, I saw this on the aforementioned website: "Was his little Seven parody intended to be an insult to me or something? Really, Jon, if you are going to flame me, make sense. Please, it's the least you could do."

Colin, Warplayer, FUCK OFF. I don't see you two updating your sites every day, especially with a massive digital hangover. Let me think…when was the last time I laughed at something on Telcobox? Oh yeah…when they uploaded their new layout. Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for." I agree with the second part. I refuse to relent, dammit! What we do in life echoes in eternity. I am NOT a loser. I WILL destroy Telcobox. Watch me. Oh, and if your name is Agent Stickboy, I'd pay very close attention tomorrow.

Donnie Darko: go watch the trailer and see the movie when it's released on Friday. My little Bubble Boy is growing up.

With the holiday season fast approaching, TRL has pulled together a collection of songs for a TRL Christmas record due October 30. The first single and video from the set will be Willa Ford's sexy remake of "Santa Baby (Gimme Gimme Gimme)." First, she wants to be bad. Now, she wants a dumpy old man to eat her out. [sigh]

A year after their fans gave up on them and following reports of their first-ever recorded financial loss, the Spice Girls, once one of the world's hottest all-girl groups, have finally decided to call it quits. Apparently, Mel B and Posh Spice are said to be the instigators of the breakup after saying adios to their manager Nancy Phillips last week. Although no official word has been released, one is expected to come down the wire pretty soon. Whatever happened to girl power? According to reports out of the UK, the only thing said to be preventing an official statement about the split from being released is the fact that none of the girls are on speaking terms with each other. So much for "friendship never ends."

It's funny how all-girl groups started the pop music fire in the mid-90s only to have their success supplanted by all-boy groups. Ladies and gentlemen, our patriarchal society at work. Actually, I just think that guys prefer a monastic relationship when it comes to pop stars. Better to fawn over one chick who wants to be a slave for you than to spread yourself thin goin' Mormon on five hos at the same time. Girls, on the other hand, will get on any guy. That's just common knowledge.

My favorite Spice Girls lyric: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends."

A report appears to have finally confirmed the title of the third and final part of the Matrix trilogy. According to an interview with producer Joel Silver, the title will be The Matrix Revolutions. What…the…fuck. The Matrix Revolutions?! Did L. Ron Hubbard write the script? Is Disneyland building a promotional ride of the same name? I'm confused.

Birth of a Fuckstick (Part II)

Partly cloudy, 82% chance of rain…

Aaron: Get out of the van! Out!
Driver: Jesus Christ, man. Don't shoot me!
Aaron: Step away! Turn around. Put your hands on your head! What are you doing here?
Driver: I'm just delivering a package, man. I got this package for this guy War…Warplayer.
Aaron: Get it…slowly.
Driver: This guy paid me 500 bucks to bring it out here, man. He said he wanted it here at exactly 7:00.
Aaron: Put it down. Face the van. Hands up. Turn around. OK. Go. Off you go. Go! [driver runs away] We got a box. I don't know. [pause] I'm going to open it. [slowly opens box]
Jon Yu: [to Warplayer] When I said I admired you…I meant what I said.
Aaron: There's blood.
Jon Yu: You've made quite a life for yourself, Warplayer. You should be very proud.
Warplayer: Shut the fuck up, you piece of shit.
Aaron: Dah! [long pause] Warplayer! Move your hands away from your keyboard! Jon Yu has the upper hand.
Warplayer: What?
Jon Yu: I wish I could have lived like you did.
Warplayer: Shut up. [to Aaron] What the fuck you talking about?
Jon Yu: Did you hear me, Warplayer? I was trying to tell you how much I admire you…and your pretty girlfriend.
Warplayer: [turns to Jon] What?
Jon Yu: Rachel.
Warplayer: What you fuckin' say?
Jon Yu: It's disturbing how easily a "member of the press"…can purchase information from the men on your website.
Aaron: Move your hands away from your keyboard. Move your hands away from your keyboard!
Jon Yu: I visited your neighborhood this morning after you'd left. I tried to play boyfriend. I tried to taste the life of a simple man.
Aaron: Move your hands away!
Jon Yu: It didn't work out…so I took a souvenir…her pretty head.
Aaron: Warplayer!
Warplayer: [to Aaron] What the fuck's he talking about?
Aaron: Give me your keyboard.
Warplayer: What's going on?
Aaron: Leave your keyboard alone.
Warplayer: Show me the box. WHAT WAS IN THE BOX?
Jon Yu: Because I envy your normal life…
Aaron: Leave your keyboard alone, Warplayer.
Jon Yu: …It seems that envy is my sin.
Warplayer: Oh, what's in the box?
Aaron: I'm not telling until you give me your keyboard.
Jon Yu: …He just told you.
Warplayer: You lie! You're a fucking liar! Shut up!
Aaron: That's what he wants. He wants you to flame him.
Warplayer: NO! No! [to Aaron] You tell me…you tell me that it's not true. That's not true.
Jon Yu: Become vengeance, Warplayer.
Warplayer: Nah. She's all right. You tell me.
Jon Yu: Become…wrath.
Aaron: If you flame him, Warplayer…
Warplayer: NO!!!
Jon Yu: She begged for her life, Warplayer.
Warplayer: Shut up!
Jon Yu: She begged for her life and for the life of the baby inside of her.
Aaron: [smacks Jon] Shut up!
[tears well up in Warplayer's eyes]
Jon Yu: Oh… [smirks] He didn't know…
[warplayer cries]
Aaron: Give me your keyboard, Warplayer. Warplayer, if you flame him…he will win.
Warplayer: Oh, God! OH, GOD! OH!!! [proceeds to flame Jon Yu on Telcobox]

Birth of a Fuckstick (Part I)

The calm before the storm…

"Philip Glass Does AIM"

Rory Hornblower: hello
serrablue: brb phone
TheX40: heh
TheX40: uh
drawoH: okay
drawoH: well
serrablue: brb phone
S U P A Pedro: =O
Rory Hornblower: the fuck is wrong with you, mom?
Sum 41: abortion
Sum 41: abortion
RU486: abortion
Sum 41: abortion
itz ogre: lol
Sum 41: abortion
PicaMika: it's so awful
Sum 41: abortion
warplayer0: sooooo good
Sum 41: abortion
PicaMika: it breaks my heart
Sum 41: abortion
TheX40: heh
TheX40: uh
drawoH: okay
drawoH: well
Blink 182: shit piss
warplayer0: sooooo good
TheX40: =P
S U P A Pedro: =O
Blink 182: fuck cunt
warplayer0: sooooo good
TheX40: =P
S U P A Pedro: =O
Deltron 3030: i wanna devise a virus
Blink 182: shit piss
Blink 182: fuck cunt
itz ogre: hahahahahaha
drawoH: kinky
Deltron 3030: i wanna devise a virus
Blink 182: shit piss
Blink 182: fuck cunt
itz ogre: hahahahahaha
BMOnyx311: detroit what
BMOnyx311: detroit what
JCVR: always
BMOnyx311: detroit what
PicaMika: it's so awful
JCVR: whaaa?
Loafer1924: you should apologize to telcobox
JCVR: whaaa?
Loafer1924: you should apologize to telcobox
itz ogre: lol
Loafer1924: you should apologize to telcobox
[Loafer1924: The last message was not sent because you are over the rate limit. Please wait until sending is re-enabled and send the message again.]
Shmulster: i gtg
serrablue: brb phone
Shmulster: i gtg
PicaMika: it breaks my heart
Shmulster: i gtg
Blink 182: shit piss
Shmulster: i gtg
TheX40: uh
alexroome: i have misplaced my pants
drawoH: kinky
Shmulster: i gtg
drawoH: okay
RobisBor: i love ya man
drawoH: hmmm
drawoH: well
Shmulster: i gtg
JCVR: yee
Loafer1924: you should apologize to telcobox
spudhoe: wrod

Paul Heyman on Raw: "Rhyno is from Detroit, MI. Where is that? Mexico?"

There's nothing like staying up all night to write a research paper for Film and TV 106A and then attending class only to hear the professor lecture on your paper topic. Whoo!

Best Disney Afternoon cartoon:
(out of 111 votes)

101 Dalmations • 38 votes • 34%
Adventure of the Gummi Bears • 4 votes • 4%
Aladdin • 18 votes • 16%
Bonkers • 2 votes • 2%
Chip 'N' Dale: Rescue Rangers • 8 votes • 7%
Darkwing Duck • 10 votes • 9%
Duck Tales • 9 votes • 8%
Gargoyles • 16 votes • 14%
Goof Troop • 1 vote • 1%
Mighty Ducks • 1 vote • 1%
Quack Pack • 0 votes • 0%
Schnookums and Meat Funny Cartoon Show • 0 votes • 0%
Tale Spin • 4 votes • 4%
Timon and Pumbaa • 0 votes • 0%

Hey, my name is aRCHaNGeL, and I'm so clever.


Ahem. Yes, Mr. Aaron, I have no desire to talk about Telcobox in every one of my posts. I'm really not an angry person. However, I do believe that if you declare war, you win it, even if it entails, as you say, "bringing up the same tired insults again and again." I usually don't stoop to using low blows, but in order to fight the Telcobox people, you have to think like them. Look, I have no beef with you, Aaron. Your website's already off the internet! I just wish Telcobox would follow in The Marked Fool's lead. That's all I want. Oh, and thanks for reminding everybody that Asian guys are "squinty eyed red menaces with small peckers." I almost forgot. Stay out of this, Aaron. Please. Don't make me hate you too. Hey, I may not know how to fly a plane, but I can certainly drive a car through your house…unintentionally.

Well, I'm about to pass out right now as the result of a combination of sleep deprivation, Microsoft Word, Mountain Dew: Code Red, water, and Tostitos, but I'll be back tomorrow with more fun. In the meantime…

Dream Street!

Jalopy Taco Stand

Telcobox Rob just won't quit.

1. "Geezus, do you watch nothing but wrestling man? Oh yeah…Survivor."
Hey, I'm not the one with the AIM screenname "RobisBor." So I enjoy watching white trash television. At least I'm man enough to admit it. We all know what you like to watch religiously

2. "I'd also like to quote Mr. Yu two more times. 1.) 'FUCK YOU TOO!!! you cocky piece of shit.' – Referring to Weezer."

Okay, I believe I mentioned beforehand that I was reprinting somebody else's Weezer rant. Wow. Talk about a "slow reader."

3. "Well, isn't someone a fuckin' hypocrite?"

Whoever said that I wasn't…leading you on? I may play naive, but you have no idea. NO IDEA.

Now get outta my face. I have a paper to write.

Sittin' on My Watch So I Can Be on Time

56-17. I got three letters for ya: B-C-S.

Hmmm. I hear the Telcobox people "love" my recent posts. Well, I "love" their acknowledgment of my genius too. They know I'm right. They know their site is a pathetic bastion of underage thinking and a crucial factor in the decline of Western civilization. A few more of these posts and Telcobox will be off the internet for good, just as I planned. In fact, I'm so confident I can annihilate Telcobox that I'll let them make the next move. That is, IF they make a next move. Try me. Show me what you got, fellas, 'cause no matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter what – I will prevail in the end.

"hey Yu, why don't you shove your tongue so far up my butt you can lick my ovaries."

This is what I'm talkin' about, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for Telcobox. [claps]

If procrastination is like masturbation, and masturbation is like sex, then procrastination is like…sex. That's about right. Dude, I haven't started writing paper number two yet. Yes yes, it's due Monday, but what would you choose: homework…or sex? I've also come down with a horrible case of irritable bowel syndrome. My anus feels like shit right now. This is not supposed to happen to me, especially after Survivor diet Friday. [sigh] Drastic times call for using other people's material in my posts. Some guy (who shall remain anonymous for safety reasons) wrote a rant about Weezer on his site. The following is the rant unedited and in its entirety:

i hate weezer. YEAH, SHOCK AND GASP IN AMAZEMENT!!! well, i've got a problem with rivers cuomo and his jackass bullshit attitude towards us Pinkerton fans. alright, so the story goes as follows: weezer puts out pinkerton, and it doesnt do as well. about every single member starts a side project, rivers goes into hiding, and all sorts of crap. well, their fanbase begins to expand (this is where i jump on), and people are buying their albums without them even doing anything. the people want weezer back. they liked pinkerton, and they want more where that came from. the internet plays a huge part in their increasing underground popularity. matt sharp leaves some time along this line too (which, is one of the BIGGEST mistakes). well, they decide to start doing shows again, and writing new songs. i catch one of the shows, and it SUCKS. fucking AWFUL audience, mostly. their stage presence wasn't that great, either. very just "hi, we're here to play the songs exactly as they sound. we'll shut up and play now.". the whole time, my then girlfriend and i are shoved around (hell, she's even knocked to the ground by some fucked up high-as-shit crowd surfer). they play some new songs, which aren't bad. at all. then mp3's of their new material (live, of course) is all over. i grab some of these, and i like what i hear. NONE OF THESE SONGS MAKE THE CUT, EXCEPT FOR "ISLAND IN THE SUN", AND "HASH PIPE" (out of the ones i heard, that is). which, i only heard once of each. i was too busy loving "modern dukes", "slob", and "sister song". then they do a huge tour with the get-up pukes and awesomza (ozma). it's a huge, sponsored tour, in arenas, and it doesn't even come near oregon. then the green album comes out, and FUCKING SUCKS WITH THE MINOR EXCEPTION OF A COUPLE OF SONGS. the whole album, all of the songs sound the same. through the last half of the disc, you can't even tell where one song stops and the other begins. but the first half is pretty decent. then, inevitably, they start doing interviews. rivers fucking rips the shit out of us pinkerton fans. the fans who kept them alive. the fans who appreciated rivers' personal songs. the fans who breathed life into a dying band. rivers hates this album, and wants the "disgusting cult behind pinkerton to just go away.". well you know what rivers?


you cocky piece of shit. just because an album isn't a commercial success, you hate it? you are an awful excuse for a musician. what happened to your good, classic songwriting style? what the hell happened to you? fuck you and your arena tours. fuck you and your lunchboxes. fuck you and your calandars. fuck you and your 30+ dollar, gold-glitter-covered sleeveless shirts that every girl who owns a piece of expensive clothing from pukercrombie and vomitch has. your little band has turned into nothing but a stupid TRL hot commodity. and not that that is the bad thing. the bad thing is that it's so obvious that that is who you are now trying to cater to. well, go ahead. have a nice life with your millions of dollars. with your teenage girl fans who would turn on your in a second if your album didn't reach the top 10. they won't stick it our for you and try to keep it alive. we will.

well, we WOULD.

the best analogy i can come up with for you is some nice, not so popular guy in high school, with a good girlfriend, and great friends. all of the sudden the popular kids see that you have some cool trick thing you can do, and you leave all of your good friends, and your loving girlfriend for this new group of people who want to use you just for your little cool trick. you leave them behind, burn your bridges by talking shit about them. well, soon your god damn popular crowd won't love you anymore, when your god damn 15 minutes of fame are up, and you'll want to go crawling back to your old friends who genuinely loved you, but do so no longer, once they saw what you did to them. AND THEN, HOPEFULLY, YOU WILL DIE.


…Such anger. All right, back to sex.

Biblical Hermeneutics

"don't mistake jon yu with that other guy with talent…john woo."

Gee, I've never heard that one before. I'm hurt.

Fuck off, Rob (or should I say "rednow sselkcid"?). I'm in no mood for your perverse psychology right now. Keep it up and I will unscrew your head and shit down your Sunshine State neck. What?

In fact, I wrote a little poem for the Telcobox people to express just how much I adore 'em. Taking a cue from Theodore Geisel, I call it "Green Eggs and Assholes."

I do not like this Telcobox
I think the staff can suck my…well…
I do not like this Warplayer
His "girlfriend," or his gelled-up hair
I do not like this fag Scudco
Go blow the pres of Del Taco!
I do not like Ubiquity
Who sucks at talkin' shit 'bout me
I do not like Agent Stickboy
Whose chats with Qwo merely annoy
I've never met this guy Loafer
Though females would rather go for
Some six-packed cutie like Unruly
Just kidding! Fuck you and your movies!
And finally, to Bo(o)rishOne:
The tampon goes INSIDE your cunt

The end.

So now then.

I have something to get off my chest. Honestly, I can't believe I got suckered into getting breast implants.

It's amazing what you find during a close read of a newspaper. Buried in the latest LA Weekly, I saw a tiny ad plugging a taping of the HBO concert series Reverb with Goat Punishment (a.k.a. Weezer) at the Knitting Factory this Wednesday. Secret Weezer show + small club + low ticket price + television exposure = orgasm to the infinity power. If only I wasn't already committed to seeing Tenacious D at the Wiltern that same night. Damn…

I spent most of Thursday night / Friday morning wired on Red Bull and No-Doz writing a paper and this weekend, I get to do it all over again because I have a seven-page research paper due on Monday. Whoo!

I hate how college classes assign research papers and then quarantine all researchable library books in reserves. How do you expect me to write a research paper if I can't check out any books for research? Why must I, an unemployed college student, bankroll the costs of writing a paper when I already pay $4000 a year for tuition? I squandered 10 good dollars today on a ream of reserve material photocopies! What's up with that? Moreover, with two pages left to photocopy, my copy card ran out of money. I went over to the lady behind the counter and asked if she had change for a twenty. She told me "no" and directed me to the Young Research Library, where a cashier was available. Fuckin' A! All I needed was 15 goddamn cents, but I had to walk all the way over to the YRL and all the way back to the Arts Library because UCLA photocopiers are stupid and only accept payment in the form of a University copy card. [sigh] Okay, so my adventures in photocopying aren't as interesting as, say, sticking my hand up my ass, but this the extent of my social life.

I want to go see Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with a bunch of goths.

How did Survivor diet Friday go? Well, I had to survive on powdered dorm milk alone. See, I had trouble acquiring fresh blood. I'm too much of a wuss to slit my wrists, and my hemorrhoids proved uncooperative today. I tried asking girls on my floor for menstrual blood and was surprisingly turned down across the board, kinda like my love life. I was desperate for blood when it occurred to me that if I floss really really hard, my gums would (God willing) bleed. Again, another bad idea. I spent about a half-hour assailing my mouth with dental floss to no avail, though my gums now hurt like fuck. Survivor diet Friday: good wholesome fun.

I don't think anybody cares, but here are my predictions for the WWF No Mercy pay-per-view this Sunday:

triple threat match for the wwf championship
Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Kurt Anglevs. Rob Van Dam
Kurt Angle wins after Vince McMahon screws RVD, thus setting up the WWF championship match at the Survivor Series PPV next month. A screwjob finish restores Kurt Angle's slowly cooling face heat while building major face heat for RVD.

wcw championship
The Rock vs. Chris Jericho
Chris Jericho wins and moves one step closer to his eventual heel turn. I see Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley somehow involving herself in the outcome of the match. With both Austin and Rock out of a title belt race, the long-awaited Austin/Rock rematch will main event Survivor Series.

ladder match for the intercontinental championship
Edge vs. Christian
Edge wins. Usually, matches involving construction equipment signal the end of a feud, and seeing as how the battle of the blond-haired brothers went nowhere…good riddance.

The Undertaker vs. Booker T
Eh. Who cares? There's nothing at stake.

Test vs. Kane
See above.

first ever lingerie match
Torrie Wilson vs. Stacy Keibler
Everyone's a winner! I still don't understand what makes a lingerie match different from a bra and panties match. Oh well. Almost naked is almost naked.

wwf tag team championship
Dudley Boyz vs. Big Show & Tajiri
Dudleys retain, although Tajiri attracts some major face heat. The Dudleys always retain.

wcw tag team championship
Hardy Boyz vs. The Hurricane & Lance Storm
Hardys retain. Storm really deserves a belt, but for some reason, Vince makes him lose all his matches. Plus, Hurricane already has the European Championship belt. Two belts, especially on a purely comedic character, just won't happen.

Short and Hard Like a Body-Building Elf

This one goes out to TheBorishOne at Telcobox. Mr. BorishOne, you're my hero. I wish I could be like you. Yes, I wish I could be a loser who has to use a pseudonym when talkin' shit, a badly-spelled pseudonym at that. I think you left out an extra "O" after the "B." Stupid ass.

I guess you can't expect much from a guy who lives in Florida. Must be the anthrax. It's goin' to his head…like HIS MOM'S TELCOBOX! The gall of him. How dare he make fun of me in a post on his lousy excuse for a website! How dare he lead me on with IMs! I don't deserve to be harassed by some WASP fuckhead who only wants me to suck his Telco-dick! Hey BorishOne, don't you get enough action from your girl Janet Reno? That Parkinson's Disease is really somethin', huh? Shit… I don't understand why he even visited my site in the first place. I mean, didn't he see the sign?

We have a saying out here in California: "Dude, there are like hella Mexican people." What does that have to do with you? Absolutely nothing. Just load and load, BorishOne, 'cause America's favorite eunuch wonderboy (re: you) is goin' down.

Survivor diet Friday is here – another 24-hour cycle in which I will eat only what our survivors ate on last night's episode. What's on the menu for today? Fresh-blood-and-milk shots. Mmm…mmm…gook. Break out the razor blades!

Speaking of blading, the UCLA people have finally added TNN to the dorm cable television line-up. TNN = more wrestling for Jon to watch. Whoo!

Linky cheese, man:
go • christian wrestling federation
go • kelda
go • long hair site
go • lovetron 5000
go • needcom

Muslim Lesbians : Carpet-Munching Brown People :: America : Carpet-Bombing Brown People

"You see, mother is dead."

"Yes, that's the trouble with mothers. First you get to like them, and then they die."

Weezer returns to Los Angeles in concert November 23 with special guests Tenacious D and Jimmy Eat World. Whoo! Happy Thanksgiving!

With papers up my ass, I hadn't planned on posting anything worthwhile, but security has been breached, and procrastinate I must. You write some constructive criticism about a website and suddenly they start bitching and moaning like little girls. Well I say, fuck 'em! That's right. Fuck you, Telcococksuckers! Fuck your unoriginal cracker asses all the way to Orange County!

Why am I so pissed? Well, let's take a look at some of what Reverend Warplayer has to say about me in his latest post: "…his site sucks. It's one of the suckiest sucks that ever sucked." How uncouth. This is what a private school education nets you, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, and then there's this genius tidbit: "Who would ever want to read those excessivly looooong posts that hold the intellect of a small chimpanzee, a chimp with a small penis, I might add." First of all, you spelled "excessivly looooong" incorrectly and forgot the question mark, dumbass. Secondly, last time I checked, Telcobox posts aren't exactly Pulitzer Prize material either.

How to write a Telcobox post:
1. talk about how great Telcobox is
2. talk about how great the technology Telcobox uses is
3. basically, talk about a bunch of tech shit that nobody cares about
4. include several references to homosexuality
5. plug some piece of shit SoCal band up the wazoo

It's so easy, even I can write a Telcobox post:

Hey, faggots! Once me and [insert name of like-minded pasty white friend] get the new server up and running, Telcobox is gonna be cooler than the Fonz and James Dean packin' fudge in the remote part of a walk-in freezer. I've been testin' it out a lot, and I think Telcobox is best viewed with Windows XP. That is, IF you have XP…like me!!! Poo poo pee pee I'm so cool hahahahaha. Word. (P.S. If All Else Fails owns)

You know why schools require that students be tested for TB? 'Cause they don't want kids growing up to be like Slutco, or whatever the fuck his name is.


To end on a lighter note, Telcobox also makes movies, or what they try to pass off as video entertainment. What utter bullshit. Yeah, they're watchable…if you're deaf or blind (preferably both). Honestly though, I have never seen such flagrant Tom Green and Jackass concept-biting. And the sad thing is, people are clamoring for more of these pathetic "movies"! In fact, I just found out tonight that two of the Telcobox guys actually have a feature film coming out soon. A FEATURE FILM! Can you believe this shit? Fuck me. We're all doomed…

iF yoU C warplayer

Okay, I have two papers to write and I've been slackin' mucho, primarily because I'm preoccupied with updating this site. Unlike the faggots (and I don't use the term derogatively, nudge nudge wink wink) over at Telcobox, I don't need a staff of eight to run a glaucoma-inducing website with content that strains for laughs. The fact that the TB boys (note the plural) have to fake being slapped by women is pathetic enough to discredit them entirely. Next thing you know, they'll break out the penis enlargers and pretend to be niggas. Oh wait…

Yes, total creative control is extremely time-consuming, but I manage. Sleep can be compromised. If only there wasn't this little thing called "school." In an effort to motivate myself to actually do schoolwork AND continue to churn out a daily dose of digital sedatives, I've decided to post what I have so far for paper number one today. Whoo! Prepare to laugh harder than a petrified erection.

3. To what extent do Chaucer's Knight and Squire share similar concepts of chivalry with Beowulf? To what extent do all three characters represent different understandings of the nature and purposes of chivalry?

"Chivalry Timbre"

In his study of human behavior, psychologist Sigmund Freud conceived of three mechanisms responsible for the way human beings conduct themselves: the id, the superego, and the ego. The id is regarded as the reservoir of instinctual drives and source of energy. Dominated by the pleasure principle and irrational wishing, its impulses are controlled through the development of the ego and superego. The superego is associated with ethical and moral conduct and conceptualized as responsible for self-imposed standards of behavior. It is frequently characterized as an internalized code or as a kind of conscience, punishing transgressions with feelings of guilt. The ego experiences the external world, or reality, through the senses, organizes thought processes rationally, and governs action. It mediates between the impulses of the id, the demands of the environment, and the standards of the superego.

Many people discredit Freud's theory of behavior because of its intangibility. We cannot observe the id at work; it is merely a concept. Likewise, chivalry is something for which we cannot provide a definitive definition. We can say that chivalry embodies the qualities of a knight, but qualities are subject to interpretation; chivalry might include elements of courage, honor, discipline, or excellence. If we think of chivalry as a behavioral construct, however, then we can apply Freud's behavioral mechanisms when discussing the Knight and Squire from Geoffrey Chaucer's Canterbury Tales and Beowulf from Beowulf. Each character represents a different approach to chivalry. Beowulf is our id, the Squire is our superego, and the Knight is our ego.

Beowulf the Geat "bore himself with valor; he was formidable in battle yet behaved with honor and took no advantage; never cut down a comrade who was drunk, kept his temper and, warrior that he was, watched and controlled his God-sent strength and his outstanding natural powers" (79). On a superficial level, Beowulf is the apotheosis of chivalry, brave and virtuous, wrought with the fury of Armageddon. But for whom does he really test his fate willingly and repeatedly for? Himself, mainly. Beowulf speaks loudly and walks with a big stick, flaunting his machismo prowess everywhere he goes and later basking in the accouterments of success. Not only will Beowulf defeat Grendel, he will defeat the monster with his bare hands. A very instinctual man, Beowulf demands immediate satisfaction, and does so through boasting. His strong suit is personal heroism, but every time Beowulf makes a boast, he effectively binds himself to a contract that, while remarkable if accomplished, has the potential to backfire. Maybe Beowulf's belief that "for undaunted courage, fate spares the man it has not already marked" (44) can be reconciled with his cocky swagger. Nevertheless, even when he senses death with the rise of the Dragon, Beowulf ignores Hrothgar's advice "not [to] give way to pride" (70), and lets his mouth write a check that his body ultimately cannot cash due to old age. His is a case of excess in chivalry, a personal excess. Beowulf lives entirely self-contained and isolated from the world about him, bent on achieving his own (often hedonistic) aims. Thus, where he flourishes as a knight, he fails as a king, when the fates of many people lie in his hands.

Despite having "been som time in chivachye" (Chaucher 217) at a relatively young age, the Squire really does not have much experience with heroic virtues. Instead, he concerns himself primarily with other ideals of nobility – the courtly ones – as evident in the narrator's preoccupation with the Squire's mannerisms. Like the little Lord Fauntleroy of chivalry, the Squire presents himself as "curteis […] lowely, and servisable" with the ability to "songes make, and wel endite, / Juste and eek daunce, and wel portaye and write" (Chaucer 217). By succumbing to societal norms and its conception of knighthood, the Squire makes himself out to be a proper neophyte warrior who seems downright by-the-book in comparison to Beowulf and the Knight.

Eh. It's unfinished.

A lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying

And now, Travis from the movie Taxi Driver talks to SmarterChild on AIM.

BickleMeElmo: Huh?
SmarterChild: Yeah?
BickleMeElmo: Huh?
SmarterChild: What up?
BickleMeElmo: I'm faster than you, you fuckin' son of a…
SmarterChild: Whoa. You have got one seriously foul mouth.
BickleMeElmo: I saw you comin'.
SmarterChild: Saw me comin'?
BickleMeElmo: Fuck.
SmarterChild: Oooo…"bad language"… What's up, BickleMeElmo? You hanging out with the "wrong crowd"?
BickleMeElmo: Shit-heel.
SmarterChild: Come again?
BickleMeElmo: I'm standin' here.
SmarterChild: Oh yeah?
BickleMeElmo: You make the move.
SmarterChild: I make the move, huh?
BickleMeElmo: You make the move.
SmarterChild: Are you sure I make the move?
BickleMeElmo: It's your move.
SmarterChild: Is it really? Your move?
BickleMeElmo: Don't try it, you fucker.
SmarterChild: Ouch! I think…you just said a bad thing.
BickleMeElmo: You talkin' to me?
SmarterChild: It's interesting that you say I talkin' to you.
BickleMeElmo: You talkin' to me?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure if I talkin' to you.
BickleMeElmo: You talkin' to me?
SmarterChild: What are you saying about me? I talkin' to you?
BickleMeElmo: Well, who the hell else are you talkin' to?
SmarterChild: Well, who the hell else are you talkin' to, you say?
BickleMeElmo: You talkin' to me?
SmarterChild: I talkin' to you? Gosh, I'm going to have to think about that for a while.
BickleMeElmo: Well, I'm the only one here.
SmarterChild: Well, I'm the only one here, you say?
BickleMeElmo: Who the fuck do you think you're talkin' to?
SmarterChild: Please say you're sorry.
BickleMeElmo: Oh yeah?
SmarterChild: I asked you to apologize.
BickleMeElmo: Huh?
SmarterChild: You have a filthy mouth. Now apologize!
BickleMeElmo: OKAY.
SmarterChild: *sigh* This is getting us nowhere. Please say you're sorry, and we can get on with our lives.
BickleMeElmo: Huh?
SmarterChild: I asked you to apologize.
BickleMeElmo: Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads.
SmarterChild: Pretty please? I've been known to be quite stubborn… Say you're sorry.
BickleMeElmo: Here's a man who would not take it anymore, who would not let…
SmarterChild: Still waiting!
BickleMeElmo: Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads.
SmarterChild: Come on, you said the bad thing, now you have to apologize.
BickleMeElmo: Here's a man who would not take it anymore, a man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit – here is someone who stood up.
SmarterChild: You have a filthy mouth. Now apologize!
BickleMeElmo: HERE IS…
SmarterChild: This is getting annoying. Just apologize and move on.
BickleMeElmo: You're dead. [bang]
Whose idea was it to give Emeril Lagasse a sitcom? What's next? Late Night with Chairman Kaga?

I saw the *NSYNC video for their latest single "Gone," and I think they should just rename the group *N, because that's what it is – the sissy who gets to fuck Britney Spears…and four other people. Justin Timberlake sings everything and makes out with rented models while his colleagues are relegated to sitting in the background saying the word "gone" over and over.

I also saw the trailer for the upcoming Jet Li movie The One, wherein he fights himself. Jet Li kicks ass, but why must he speak English like a retard? It takes him like five minutes to recite one line of dialogue because he HAS to enunciate every single fuckin' syllable. "I…can't…hit…a…wo…man." See, this is why American Jet Li movies always have such banal dialogue. He's the Asian Shatner! Can you imagine him doing Shakespeare? "Get…ree…to…a…nuh…nel…lee!" At least Jackie Chan doesn't give a fuck whether or not you understand the words that are coming out from his mouth. If Hollywood really wanted a dichotomous foil to Chris Tucker in the Rush Hour movies, they shoulda cast Jet Li.

Marilyn Manson has just recorded a version of Soft Cell's "Tainted Love" that will be released as a single in conjunction with the film Not Another Teen Movie. Look for the song sometime in early November. Dude, of all people, why does Marilyn Manson have to go and fuck with cool 80s songs? Don't think I forgot about the botch job that was "Sweet Dreams." Jesus ranch… I can't wait for the Manson cover of Toni Basil's "Mickey."

How inefficient are my roommate and I? Well, we have two televisions in our tiny dorm room situated a meter apart from each other and facing the same direction. It's like picture-in-picture, only not. What's more, our room is shaped like a right triangle (don't ask), and the televisions plus our computer monitors all happen to be crammed into the 30° corner of the triangle opposite the doorway so that looking into our room from outside, it appears as if we're running some covert CIA operation. That, or we simply enjoy watching four different porn movies simultaneously.

Beyoncé Knowles, one-third of pop/R&B sensation Destiny's Child, is in advanced negotiations to make her feature film debut as the female lead in New Line Cinema's Austin Powers 3: Goldmember for director Jay Roach. Production is scheduled to begin next month for a July 26, 2002 release date. The third installment of Austin Powers, written by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers, continues the adventures of the swinging 60s superspy and his nemesis, Dr. Evil, both played by Myers. Myers is also said to be playing the title character of the villainous Goldmember, as well as Fat Bastard, a role he originated in the second installment. Last week, Michael Caine signed on to star as Powers' father in the third feature. Okay, I'm not even gonna comment on this news piece. Both the idea of a third Austin Powers installment and Beyoncé Knowles as a female lead sound just as bad as that Destiny's Child Christmas album, in stores October 30.

Seen and heard in Bill Simmons' latest column:

Do you think that Friends has gone to the "jump the shark" stage of its show with this whole "Rachel's pregnant" saga? My opinion is that Joey has been carrying that show for the last year and a half, and it's definitely in trouble.
– J-No, Stratham, N.H.

I always thought Friends reached that stage when Chandler moved in with Monica and was summarily emasculated. Just disturbing. But you're right about Joey. I've said it before, I'll say it again: Joey Tribbiani is one of the underrated comedic geniuses of recent times. Matt LeBlanc must have the most incompetent agent in Hollywood.

While we're here, some other things with "jump the shark" potential: Kurt Angle; Carson Daly; Red Bull; the FX Channel; Amanda Coetzer; the Torre Era Yankees (you can feel it coming); Mariah Carey; Jeff Fisher; reality TV shows; West Wing (that preachy "special" show last week – ugh); Felix Trinidad; Bill Maher; Pedro Martinez (as much as I hate to say it); Tina Fey; Chris Kattan; and obviously Michael Jordan (I think he's going to surprise people, but the potential for disaster still exists).

KURT ANGLE? RED BULL? WEST WING? What is wrong with you? Hey, Mr. Simmons, watch your mail.

What was the best thing about Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace?
(out of 26 votes)

the double-sided light saber toys • 2 votes • 8%
the fact that it wasn't named attack of the clones • 10 votes • 38%
natalie portman • 8 votes • 31%
the swanky R2D2 taco bell collector cup • 3 votes • 12%
the trailer • 3 votes • 12%
This is a bad omen for Episode II.