God Bless Us All…Right in the Mouth

D'oh! Tomorrow is Tuesday. What to do? Shall I watch the complete first season of The Simpsons on DVD? How about I watch Kurt Angle get DQed in his WWF Championship match against "Stone Cold" Steve Austin on the WWF Summer Slam 2001 DVD? Eh, I might watch the WWF Invasion DVD instead. Or maybe I should lose myself in the alt-country sounds of Ryan Adams' new record Gold? So much entertainment. Wait… There's something I'm forgetting. What is it? Ah, yes.

D, The. Because unlike Creed, they're intentionally funny.

It's sad. School hasn't even started and I'm already ready to get out. [sigh] We had a hall meeting tonight so that I could be lectured on hedonism. Drugs are bad, mmmkay. Alcohol is bad, mmmkay. It's the same lecture year after year. I suppose second graders might actually take information like this to heart, but we're talking about 18, 19-year-olds here. You could trigger a fire alarm and it would fall on deaf ears. I dunno. I just don't appreciate being lectured on activities that I never engage in. When am I ever gonna be caught in the elevator naked with quaaludes and a bottle of vodka in my hands? I don't have fun, remember.

Student leaders are always so fuckin' cheery and motivated. It's sickening. I don't understand the appeal of being on ASB or working as an RA. Does anybody in their right mind really care about improving school life? Let me tell you about a guy here at UCLA named Joe Manko. Joe has been a student leader since his sophomore year. He is now 22 years old and still lives in the dorms. If only euthanasia was legal.

I had lunch at Roscoe's House of Chicken 'N' Waffles today. Fried chicken and waffles. Delicious. I hadn't eaten a serious meal in a long time. I'm not dieting or anything. Fuck diets. I'm just too preoccupied to think about food. In fact, I've been at school for three days now and haven't stepped foot in a dining hall yet. The word "takeout" takes on a whole new meaning in college.

There are those people who eat to live and those who live to eat. I eat when I have time. I also eat very quickly. Chewing doesn't interest me. Neither does talking during mealtime. My parents say that I eat like a vacuum machine. If it's any indication, I once swallowed a tortilla chip intact. Not fun. Naturally, my fast adventures in gluttony sometimes land me in trouble. You may have heard about the 40 Chicken McNugget spree in Washington D.C. or the infamous 15-minute barbecue. Food is food. Eat it and move on.

Why is it that when people go to a restaurant with an all-you-can-eat buffet, they are compelled to eat until their stomach (and most of their esophagus) is stuffed with food? This only happens at a buffet. Is it the "all-you-can-eat" factor? If that's so, we should build some "all-you-can-read" libraries, because there are simply too many fat fucks in America and not enough smart shits. I think I might rob a buffet one day just to prove a point – barely any security, lots of money in the cash register, and no one to stop me. Why? Asses and cramps.

You are what you eat. Wow. I guess I AM a pussy.

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