What is it about the latest M&Ms ads?

Ahem. It's becoming frustrating to write material for tomorrow today. I don't want to live for tomorrow anymore. That is, I don't like saying "yesterday" when I mean "today." A post may have today's date, but I always write yesterday, talking about yesterday. Okay, I've confused myself. Just know that as of today, the word "today" will refer to yesterday because of simple delay. Yippee-ky-yay.

So now then.

"Today," I had my teeth cleaned. My parents insist that a dentist professionally clean my teeth twice a year. Personally, I don't see any difference between the before and after shots, but whatever. Anything to make my parents happy. Every time I go in for a teeth cleaning though, the dentist finds a cavity or two. I don't understand. I brush my teeth. I floss. I chew Trident. I'm a good boy. The tooth fairy must have it out for me. "Tomorrow," I shall return to the dentist's office to have my new found cavities filled. Whoo!

As I was rollin' rollin' rollin' into the driveway "today," I saw them on the front windows of our house. Flags. Two of them. My dad cut them out of the Chinese newspaper and taped them up so we could be like every other house in the neighborhood. Look, I pledge allegiance to the flag and all, but this is ridiculous. In the land of the free, we have become bandwagon zombies. Funny, I don't recall it being 1984.

What bothers me even more than groupthink junkies is my family's sudden new age appetite. Our fridge is literally packed with shit that's either organic or fat-free. When did my family go yuppie? What happened to the junk food I grew up with? The worst is this light cream cheese with 50% less fat…than butter or margarine. A lot of things are 50% less fat than butter or margarine, except that they don't taste like Orson Welles' ass.

We also own the George Foreman grill. You know, I hear surprisingly good things about this sleek appliance. I'm skeptical to try it though, simply because my parents will buy anything advertised on television as long as the commercial can induce epileptic seizures in Japanese children. I'm still reeling from the paint shit that "magically" restores auto bodies, the flowbee, the ginsu knives, Ron Popeil, and this funnel-cake-making set that we just got. It may be lean and mean, but the Foreman grill is not what I need right now.

You know what I need? Alcohol. The only problem is that I'm lazy and getting drunk is too much work. All that liquid. It can't possibly be good for your bladder. You'd think that by this day and age, some pharmaceutical company would have come out with a pill that increases the activity of inhibitory nerve pathways for you. I mean, we fuckin' have a pill for erectile dysfunction. A pill for intoxication can't be that unreasonable. In fact, I would say that an intoxication pill is a damn good idea. It would save water and time and yet preserve the American way of life.

Pistachio ice cream is yummy, but is it kosher? See, nuts belong in the meat food group and cream is obviously dairy, so I figure that pistachio ice cream isn't kosher. Or is it? Somebody help me out here.

I saw the video for "In The End" by Linkin Park. Total waste of money on awful special effects. Oh, and singer Chester Bennington looks like a cross between Eminem and Justin Timberlake.

Live 105 played "Down By The Water" by PJ Harvey "tonight." I was shocked on all levels. Live 105, a new rock alternative station, actually played a PJ Harvey song from 1995 at the request of a listener. Wow. To hear a song like that sandwiched between Papa Roach and Sum 41 – it's an indescribable feeling. What's funny is that Live 105 used to play PJ Harvey music before it was taken over by heavy rotationists Infinity Broadcasting, the same company behind evil KROQ in Los Angeles. That-a-boy, DJ With No Name. Stick it to the man!

Nag nag nag nag nag nag. Bullet proof…I wish I was. I might be wrong. Might.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.