More Mergers

New York, NY, April 20 (AP) – In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant conglomeration of felt that will move them into the number two spot, past Big Bird and just behind Barney. In recent years they had lost sponsorship from the letter P and the number 5, and analysts say the move will help solidify their market share. "This is a logical move for us," said Bert. "'Share' is our favorite word."

Concord, NH, May 14 (Reuters) – Continuing the wave of consolidation that saw Alabama, Mississippi, and Georgia join to form NationSouth, Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two into one state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever."
The deal involves a stock swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will be exchanged one-for-one.

Bangor, ME, Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) – Stephen King announced today that he had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase production by as much as 125 percent, upping his output to at least one novel per month.

The new author, who will do business as the firm of Stephen, Joyce, King, Carol, and Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically acclaimed novelists working today. Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the acquisition of the respected writer will help him make inroads into new markets, like college literature classes.

"It's a win-win situation," Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with the New York Daily Newsday Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few writers who can keep up with my production schedule."

An earlier deal in which King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell through when King was informed that the company was not John Updike.

Washington, D.C., Oct. 3 (UPI) – In a deal that resonated in homes across the country, Cats announced yesterday that it had completed a hostile takeover of Dogs.

The new company, which Cats said would be called OnePet, will supplant the recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest supplier of domestic companion services.

Paris, France, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) – In what is thought to be the biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into one sex, to be called Humanicorp.

The details of the arrangement are still being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women have agreed in principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up self-respect. Sources close to both parties say that genitalia remain a sticking point. There are also serious antitrust issues that will need to be resolved.

A spokesman for Men, Bob, said that Men have been trying for years to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream for Men. Women were unavailable for comment.

Rome, Italy, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) – After several eons of discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have decided to merge in a deal that will join no less than Heaven and Hell.

"Some say I've made a deal with the devil," said God, who appeared simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks, all radios and personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this as two former adversaries setting aside differences for the good of consumers."

Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the post of president.

Merger talks broke off several centuries ago in part because the executives could not decide who would run a combined company.

Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better reign in Hell than serve in Heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back."

Satan's old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs.

Thank you, Jay.


go • adult baby diaper club & store
go • hair removal advice for every area
go • lip balm anonymous
go • statue molesters
go • when i am king

More pathetic:
(out of 29 votes)

people who are looking forward to seeing Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone • 14 votes • 48%
people who are looking forward to seeing Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring • 6 votes • 21%
people who are looking forward to seeing The Matrix Reloaded • 3 votes • 10%
people who are looking forward to seeing Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones • 6 votes • 21%
Who are the six people that don't care to see Star Wars 2? I want the names of these losers.

Proverbial Crimson Mask

"The French phrase 'le petit mort' translated literally into English means 'the little death.' In French, however, 'le petit mort' means 'orgasm.' So, the next time somebody tells you that they want to die in your arms, watch out."

This opener was brought to you by my English TA.

Good news! I'm a fuckin' dumbass for believing that I could elude the curse of the Los Angeles sell-out. Yesterday, I checked and tickets were still available for this Sunday's Manipulated Sounds Seminar featuring DJ QBert, Money Mark, Kid Koala, Cut Chemist, and P-Trix. Today, I went to get tickets and heard my two favorite words in the world: sold out. Fuck! Why does there have to be so many people in Southern California? And why am I such a fuckin' dumbass for not buying tickets earlier? The same dumbassity suckered me into paying $164 to see Blink-182. I feel like I let Mr. Bob at WankerCounty down. Sorry, Bob. Pity me for being a fuckin' dumbass.

I guess I'll have more time to read Beowulf this weekend. Whoo!

DJ QBert may have slipped away from me, but Resfest shall not. Resfest, a digital film festival in its fifth year, will showcase 1,500 entries, including features, short films, music videos, animation and other examples of state-of-the-art technology. Doug Pray's acclaimed turntablist documentary Scratch will be among the films shown. In addition, the videos for Gorillaz' "19-2000" by Jamie Hewlett and Pete Candleland, Fatboy Slim's "Ya Mama" by Traktor (the Swiss creators of MTV's Jukka Brothers commercials) and Orbital's "Oi" by Paul Donnellan will premiere at the festival. Other video highlights include Radiohead's "Pyramid Song" by Shynola and Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice" by Spike Jonze. Yummy.

I had a job interview today for a front desk position at Dykstra (residence) Hall. It was…okay. A bit short, if you ask me. Either 10 minutes was enough for my interviewer to glean the man behind Jonathan Yu or I was prematurely dismissed like incompetent people at auditions.

I took an English class in the summer of 1996 at a local community college and on the first day of class, the teacher had us make personal information cards on which we had to, among other things, draw a self-portrait. For some reason, I drew myself and then wrote in parentheses that I kinda looked like Ben Stiller. Unfortunately, at the time, Ben Stiller wasn't a notable entertainer and nobody in my class knew who he was, including the teacher, who proceeded to jokingly refer to me as "Actor/Director Ben Stiller" instead of Jonathan for the remainder of the summer session. Why am I telling you this? Because I saw Zoolander tonight and boy, my little Ben has blowed up. What a funny movie. Now, male models are inherently amusing, but under the comic guidance of actor, director, AND writer Ben Stiller, the sheer hilarity of the modeling industry is turned up to 11 and then some. Adam Riff™, Jord, and Ben Stiller truly make life worth living for a Jew slut like me.

Confucious Say

Jon: Hello, everybody. My name is Jonathan. Welcome to comic strip anonymous.
Rory: H to the izz-O! V to the izz-A! Fo' shizzle my nizzle used to drib-
Jon: Hornblower! Do you mind?
Rory: What's goin' on here? Another one of your rehab study groups?
Jon: No, chodemaster. It's not rehab. For your information, this is a comic strip anonymous meeting.
Rory: Eh. Sounds like rehab to me.
Jon: Okay, that's enough out of you. Can you let us be?
Rory: Ten bucks.
Jon: One.
Rory: Seven.
Jon: Three.
Rory: Five.
Jon: Six.
Rory: Deal.
Jon: [pause] Jon, you fuckin' retard! [pause] You know what? Fuck it. Here's your money. Now scram. [exit Rory] Sorry about that. So now then. Why don't we go around the room and introduce ourselves. State your name and the reason you're here. Let's start with you, miss.
Cathy: Hello, my name is Cathy. I'm fat, overworked, and men think I'm a dyke.
Jon: Very good.
Jeffy: Yo. J-Money here.
Jon: You mean Jeffy.
Jeffy: Don't fuckin' call me Jeffy or I'll fuckin' rip you a new asshole. I fuckin' hate that fucker Bil Keane for fuckin' pigeonholin' me into this fuckin' role.
Jon: All right.
Luann: Hi, I'm Luann, and I'm still a virgin…at 17!
Charlie: My…I…my name is Charlie Brown, and I want to kill myself. United Media won't let me retire, even though Chuck Schulz is clearly dead. I've been at this for what? 60 years now? When will the hell that is my life end? If you want classic peanuts, go to the supermarket. Thank you.
Dogbert: Hola, me llamo Dogbert, and I'm a TALKING DOG! Aaaaaaaaaah!
Huey: 'Sup? I'm Huey, and I'm pissed off.
Jon: At what?
Huey: Everything! White people, school, white people……white people.
Jon: I see. Okay, thank you all for coming. I want to begin with Charlie Brown.
Charlie: I'm so miserable at my job.
Jon: Good grief! You're a good man, Charlie Brown. You just need to boost your self-esteem. Understand that America likes reading your unfunny adventures. We like not laughing. I suggest you seek counseling. Moving on… Dogbert!
Dogbert: Woof, I mean, yes?
Jon: Are you sure that you're a talking dog? Usually in comic strips, animals think their dialogue. Are you sure that thought bubbles don't appear when you talk?
Dogbert: Yes. Adams uses lines, not bubbles, for dialogue.
Jon: Oh. Well, I can't help you then. If the ability to talk stresses you out so much, there's always euthanasia. I suggest you seek counseling before doing anything rash though.
Cathy: What about me? What about me? Am I really skinny but think I'm overweight? Is it a matter of self-perception? Do I like the pussy?
Jon: Cathy, I'm gonna be honest with you. You're a fat, overworked dyke. I suggest you seek counseling.
Jeffy: Dude, this is fuckin' bullshit! Seek counseling. Seek counseling. Seek counseling. That's your fuckin' solution to everything. Who are you? Dr. Drew?
Jon: HEY! Watch it, J-Lo.
Jeffy: J-Money. It's J-Money.
Jon: Whatever. When did you become such a potty mouth?
Jeffy: I fuckin' told you! It's that cocksucker Keane and his fuckin' family values bullshit. Y'all think I'm naive and wholesome. Hells no! I've fuckin' been wantin' on Dolly since the day we launched, but no… Grammy's fuckin' watchin' from heaven. Well, fuck that! Say, Luann, how's about I stick my dick in that fine-ass cunt of yours?
Luann: Ewww! You perv! I'm not that insecure, you know. In fact, I'd rather do it with a girl than you, sicko.
Cathy: REALLY? You'd do it with a girl?
Luann: ……….No.
Cathy: But you said tha-
Jeffy: Shut the fuck up, carpet-muncher! The lady likes strudel, not pie. Fuckin' A! I'm fuckin' gettin' a stifferooni just thinkin' about feelin' on her boo-tay.
Huey: Nigga please! Why don't you act like a honky for a change? If I wasn't so civil, I'd have laid the smack down on your cracker ass already.
Jeffy: Tell me you did not just say that.
Huey: What? That the only thing black about you is the size of your hemorrhoids?
Jeffy: Oh, now you've gone and done it, bee-atch. You want a piece of me? Let's get it on.
[chaos ensues]
Jon: Huey…Jeffy……….HORNBLOWER!
Rory: I'm a…slaaaaave…for you… Yeah?
Jon: Bring out the gimp.
[everybody freezes]
Huey: The gimp?
Jeffy: The gimp?
Dogbert: Woof, er, the gimp?
Cathy: The gimp?
Luann: The gimp?
Charlie: Jim Davis?
[everybody except Jon and Rory run away in panic]
Jon: Damn. I've always wanted to use the gimp too. Oh well.

Police Academy 8

Jack: I've been doin' cock pushups.
Kyle: Cock pushups?
Jack: Yeah.
Kyle: What are those?
Jack: It's where you fuckin' lay down flat on the ground…
Kyle: Yeah…
Jack: …and then you let your boner lift you up off the ground.
Kyle: NO! No…that's…that'd be impossible. Your-your cock could support your whole weight?
Jack: Well, not at first.
Kyle: Yeah…
Jack: But over time.
Kyle: Hmmm. How-how many pushups can you do?
Jack: …Cock pushups?
Kyle: Yeah. [pause] I guess you could only do one, really.
Jack: Yeah, one is all you need.

Thursday is Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement. How sweet is that? I wish I could annually wipe my slate clean by fasting for a day too. Currently, I have enough skeletons in my closet that I might as well be nicknamed "Arlington National Cemetery."

Let's do something good. Plug = good. Meet Samn: resident of Orlando, master of Gator the dog, and geeky proprietor of Robotskull, a longtime pet website of mine. See, I'm a flaky practitioner of the lost art of keeping a secret. I wish I could have Robotskull as my own, but in the end, it's Samn's site, and more importantly, it's public property. I will trademark the name Adam Riff™ without qualms. I will not, however, stop Robotskull from infiltrating the masses. Witty material with a psycho sensibility. Why not? In fact, I'm gonna add Robotskull to the list of key elements for my special event post because I think Samn is fuckin' cool. He's so cool that he reads fashion magazines like they're warning labels telling him what not to do, so cool that Arthur Fonzarelli seems like a garden-variety dork in comparison. Robotskull is off the heazy, fo'sheazy! Did I just say that? Note to self – don't use slang.

How was school today? Well mother, it was unfortunately typical. The wheels on the school go round and round and brain rust builds with every therapeutic session of lecture. Not only do my professors have the charisma of luggage, for some reason, I can't bring myself to take notes. In class, I always have a notebook and pen out but never actually write anything down. I'm a terrible student. I should be reading for class, but I don't want to read. My 10A textbook is 2,974 pages long, WAY more than 40 oz. of old English. Beowulf? Chaucer? The Faerie Queene? Yuck. Early English literature is worse than the collective works of Ayn Rand. At least I don't have class on Tuesday or Thursday.

There are so many people at UCLA. If the admissions office could just reject more applicants, I wouldn't feel like I was in China.

Do any handicapped people smoke? I'm talkin' severely retarded folk who like Kools. I've never met one and I really want to. Gimme a call at (310) 267-6150 if you're in the know.

Spin magazine: In response to Limp Bizkit's recent Zoolander soundtrack cover of Frankie Goes to Hollywood's severely homoerotic classic "Relax" (does Fred even read those lyrics when he plunders the 80s?), legendary Frankie frontman Holly Johnson quips: "Sorry, to be so ignorant about American music, but who are Limp Bizkit? Does it mean limp dick?" Well…
Correction: Powerman 5000 covered "Relax," not Limp Bizkit

In light of recent events, the WWF is renaming the two hours of its flagship show Raw simply "Raw I" and "Raw II" and the name Raw is War has been dropped. The December PPV, formerly called Armageddon, is now called Payback. They are also dropping usage of the Drowning Pool song "Bodies" which has been used since the Invasion PPV for the Alliance.

Payback? What kind of name is that for the last PPV of the year? Vince McMahon needs to lay off the thesaurus. Backlash, Unforgiven, and now Payback? The December PPV should have been renamed A WWF Christmas. Think of the possibilities! Vince could come out as McMahonta Claus, whimsically booking matches for wrestlers who've been good all year. Oh the other hand, Mick Foley could return and deliver coal in the stocking (and mouth) of a naughty wrestler. "Candy" Kane could fight Al Snow in an inferno match to see whose chestnuts will end up roasting on an open fire. Shane McMahon could do a ridiculous high spot off the giant tree centerpiece of the set. Kurt Angle could supply milk while the Rock cooks up some People's Strudel in lieu of cookies. And for the main event, ragin' red-and-green-neck "Stone Cold" Steve Austin could fight special holiday guest Goldberg for the right to light either the tree or a menorah. Whoo!

Okay, I am really pathetic.

Enter Sandman

Breaking news: Tenacious D's self-titled debut record was semi-recalled yesterday, its release date, due to complaints by stores who found the "satanic" cover art objectionable. The offended sent their shipments of the record back. Expect a rereleased Tenacious D record with new cover art in the near future or purchase a copy of the original while it's still available.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

Shut the fuck up.

Wednesday, I begin month 13 of my college education. What's up for me this quarter?

English Literature To 1660
History Of The American Motion Picture

Only two classes, you ask? Yes, only two classes. 12 consecutive months of school can really do a number on your general education requirements. With those out of the way, I can concentrate on prepping for a potential film major and a backup major in English at the same time. Two classes, too much writing, 10 weeks, 11 units, one helluva bad time. I'm not even a full-time student! You need 12 units to qualify as full-time. Moreover, if you have a job on campus and you're not a full-time student, the University takes money from your paycheck to deposit in some Medicare sick fund. Well, fuck that. Gimme my money, bitch! Why don't I just enroll in another class? Because I don't want to max out units. The limit is 160 and I already have 82. [sigh] Sucks to be me.

What is the logic in making criminals serve two lifetime sentences without parole? Last time I checked, human beings don't meow.

I watched the series premiere of Undeclared tonight. Despite what critics say, I like the show. I think it's really funny, probably even more so because the show is filmed in part at UCLA. I've seen the cast up close and personal! How cool is that? I guess it takes a weird sensibility to enjoy the work of Judd Apatow. I'm the only guy I know who liked The Cable Guy and Freaks And Geeks. Oh well.

It's practically impossible to secure tickets for any major show in Los Angeles. The 2001 KROQ Weenie Roast sold out in 8 minutes, as did two Radiohead, four Depeche Mode, and seven U2 shows. Today, however, I beat the odds and managed to get tickets (orchestra seats!) for the SoCal date of Tenacious D's upcoming U.S. tour. I'm actually gonna see fuckin' Tenacious D! Whoo!

In other news, I was AIMing with Bob from WankerCounty last month and he convinced me to go see guys scratch records live, namely DJ QBert of Invisibl Skratch Piklz fame. As a result, Sunday Sunday Sunday I shall go see DJ QBert, Kid Koala, and Money Mark. Good line-up, if you ask me. I just hope Mr. Bob's right about this turntable-ism.

Okay, 9 o' clock class, 1 o' clock bedtime. Goodie goodie.

God Bless Us All…Right in the Mouth

D'oh! Tomorrow is Tuesday. What to do? Shall I watch the complete first season of The Simpsons on DVD? How about I watch Kurt Angle get DQed in his WWF Championship match against "Stone Cold" Steve Austin on the WWF Summer Slam 2001 DVD? Eh, I might watch the WWF Invasion DVD instead. Or maybe I should lose myself in the alt-country sounds of Ryan Adams' new record Gold? So much entertainment. Wait… There's something I'm forgetting. What is it? Ah, yes.

D, The. Because unlike Creed, they're intentionally funny.

It's sad. School hasn't even started and I'm already ready to get out. [sigh] We had a hall meeting tonight so that I could be lectured on hedonism. Drugs are bad, mmmkay. Alcohol is bad, mmmkay. It's the same lecture year after year. I suppose second graders might actually take information like this to heart, but we're talking about 18, 19-year-olds here. You could trigger a fire alarm and it would fall on deaf ears. I dunno. I just don't appreciate being lectured on activities that I never engage in. When am I ever gonna be caught in the elevator naked with quaaludes and a bottle of vodka in my hands? I don't have fun, remember.

Student leaders are always so fuckin' cheery and motivated. It's sickening. I don't understand the appeal of being on ASB or working as an RA. Does anybody in their right mind really care about improving school life? Let me tell you about a guy here at UCLA named Joe Manko. Joe has been a student leader since his sophomore year. He is now 22 years old and still lives in the dorms. If only euthanasia was legal.

I had lunch at Roscoe's House of Chicken 'N' Waffles today. Fried chicken and waffles. Delicious. I hadn't eaten a serious meal in a long time. I'm not dieting or anything. Fuck diets. I'm just too preoccupied to think about food. In fact, I've been at school for three days now and haven't stepped foot in a dining hall yet. The word "takeout" takes on a whole new meaning in college.

There are those people who eat to live and those who live to eat. I eat when I have time. I also eat very quickly. Chewing doesn't interest me. Neither does talking during mealtime. My parents say that I eat like a vacuum machine. If it's any indication, I once swallowed a tortilla chip intact. Not fun. Naturally, my fast adventures in gluttony sometimes land me in trouble. You may have heard about the 40 Chicken McNugget spree in Washington D.C. or the infamous 15-minute barbecue. Food is food. Eat it and move on.

Why is it that when people go to a restaurant with an all-you-can-eat buffet, they are compelled to eat until their stomach (and most of their esophagus) is stuffed with food? This only happens at a buffet. Is it the "all-you-can-eat" factor? If that's so, we should build some "all-you-can-read" libraries, because there are simply too many fat fucks in America and not enough smart shits. I think I might rob a buffet one day just to prove a point – barely any security, lots of money in the cash register, and no one to stop me. Why? Asses and cramps.

You are what you eat. Wow. I guess I AM a pussy.

Big Green Monkey

Well, fuck. I think I installed Windows XP twice on my computer. This can't be good. I now have the privilege of choosing between the XP upgrade and the XP complete every time I turn on my computer. Whoo! At least installation worked. Howard mocks my moron interface, but it's so pretty and colorful. Oooh! Look at the animations!

During move-in last night, my brother dropped my printer in the Dykstra Hall parking lot. As a result, my printer is now retarded. I tried printing a five-word test sheet today and it took my printer a minute to do so. One minute. 60 seconds. A fucking orgasm! I don't understand. I was dropped on my head several times as a child and I think I'm perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. I am…right?

Quick thought: When a plane crashes into a building, it's a tragedy. When a snowboarder crashes into the chairlift line, it's "okay." Go figure.

Black Sunday is upon us here at UCLA, the last weekend day before school begins where students go and get "totally fucked up," as my roommate says. I don't think you've been formally introduced to my new roommate. His name is Matt and he's from Long Beach, but he might as well be Jae Min, seeing as how they're the exact same person with different skin colors. Yep, I get some quality roommates. Let's take a trip down memory lane.

First, there was Daniel, the pasty white transfer student from South San Francisco who thought he was black and looked seriously retarded. Then, there was Huntington Beach Ray, who had a hamster fetish and spent all his time (free and not) playing the same computer game. Next, there was Jason who, on the rare occasions he surfaced in the dorms, would watch Fear Factor and Friends avidly. And who can forget Chet, the unfortunately typical San Diego boy who absolutely couldn't live without air conditioning and always seemed to get caught masturbating? Dorm life, to me, is a neverending episode of Blind Date, except that I never score.

It can't be good when you're recognized on your floor first and foremost for the shape of your room.

I simply don't get this whole "being social" thing. I can only be social for so long before I start getting self-conscious about my acting abilities. In fact, I'm happier in my self-imposed solitary confinement. There's no pressure to deliver. Is that so wrong? I mean, is partying really that fun that it merits consecutive nights devoted to it? I suppose… Hey, something for everybody. Still, why be cool for the hell of it? All the "cool" people at UCLA and basically every respectable college and university out there had to have been nerds in high school in order to get into the institutions they attend, so why act all cool now?

When it comes to negative criticism, high school and college students rely on four phrases to express all their strong convictions: "is gay," "is overrated," "sucks," and "is fascist." The use of the latter description is the most amusing because I don't think many people today actually know the definition of the word "fascist." There are probably kids out there decrying both chicken quesadillas and Adolf Hitler as fascist. How anthropomorphic of Mexican food to believe in private economic enterprise under centralized governmental control. Moreover, a disillusioned teen once told me that "Keanu Reeves is SO gay and Charlize Theron sucks." In this case, the line between fact and opinion failed to define itself. Why can't the world be like me and just use the word "hate"? Yes, Tool is overrated, but saying "I hate Tool" is much more satisfying.

And no, I did not sell my soul to Best Buy. I sold it to Adam Riff™.

go • c-m watch
go • chengwin
go • cursing in swedish
go • eric conveys an emotion
go • slow porn
go • yossie's handcuff collection

Tone Deaf

I'm back in Los Angeles sitting in my trapezoid-shaped dorm room, tired and totally not ready for more school. I have some good news though.

Introductory Psychology • A

Woo who. Look, I'm so tired that I can't even muster a "whoo!" (yawn) Tomorrow, I shall try to install Windows XP on my computer. Here goes nothing.

You're in big trouble. Who you gonna call?
(out of 45 votes)

Captain America • 3 votes • 7%
Captain Corelli • 1 vote • 2%
Cap'n Crunch • 1 vote • 2%
Captain Jack • 1 vote • 2%
Captain Kangaroo • 2 votes • 4%
Captain Kirk • 0 votes • 0%
Captain Morgan • 3 votes • 7%
Captain N • 30 votes • 67%
Captain Planet • 4 votes • 9%

What? No Captain and Tennille?

Jonathan Yu: A Tribute to Me

God bless…movie theaters.

"On the Long Island Expressway there are lanes going east, lanes going west, and lanes going straight to hell."

I saw L.I.E. tonight. It was a solid, if faulty, coming-of-age movie that was sadly rated NC-17 simply for exploring relationships between man and boy. First of all, the movie features a pederast (attracted to adolescents), not a pedophile (who preys on children). Second, the movie in no way advocates NAMBLA, eschewing nudity and sex for basic storytelling. Third, the performances by Paul Franklin Dano as 15-year-old Howie Blitzer and Brian Cox as elder "Big" John Harrigan are simply amazing. Too bad almost nobody's gonna see L.I.E.

Plagiarism to the Flag

Notes on my short, unproductive autumn vacation:

I HATE Los Altos Hills, both the actual hills of Los Altos and the city of the same name. I don't know why anybody would want to live in the bourgeoisie boondocks of Northern California. For one thing, I like my roads to be easy to navigate, not the bastard children of San Vicente Boulevard. Plus, you'd think that the rich white hill inhabitants could at least buy some streetlamps. At night, it's like driving around in a constipated intestine up there. Howard made me do it.

NorCal (I know, I think it sounds like a phrase you'd find on a salad dressing bottle too) hippies who blast Los Angeles for its air quality should take a look at their skyline. The Bay Area isn't Rhode Island either.

Somebody built an In-N-Out Burger off El Camino Real. For those of you not from the west, In-N-Out Burger is a fast food restaurant chain best known for its drive-thru, hence the name "In-N-Out Burger." So, some genius decided to build an In-N-Out Burger off one of the busiest streets in Mountain View. Brilliant. You might as well build a movieplex off Highway 5 while you're at it.

I wanted to do a run-in at my high school, but apparently, it's an education code offense to disrupt school activity, and I don't need to be breaking any more education codes, especially high school ones. Thus, I had to coitus interruptus the brilliant three-step plan I had worked out. Oh well. 1) stumble into morning marching band practice and yell, "Hey! Could you turn it down a little? Some of us are trying to sleep here!" 2) return during afternoon marching band practice, run into the saxophone section, release a bunch of caged doves, and run away. 3) the following day, hire some actors to dress up as cops and stage a police chase on foot with me as the criminal, douse myself in fake blood, run into my old journalism stomping ground, loudly declare, "Oh, fuck me!" with eye contact emphasis on a particular adviser's face, create a panicky ruckus, have the fake cops enter the classroom and drag me away kicking and screaming, continue the act outside, letting the fake cops beat me with nightsticks and saying, "Detroit what?" repeatedly.

"Palo Alto residents are donating American flags to the city government after city officials said that they didn't put flags up downtown because they didn't have any." God, I love dispatches from the Palo Alto Daily News.

"An art teacher has been suspended for allowing second graders to express their feelings about last week's terrorist attacks through drawings and answering their questions about hijacking someone at knifepoint." Damn, this newspaper is quality.

"A Blockbuster Video clerk was stabbed to death in a robbery at 1040 Grant Road in Mountain View. The robbery took place in the same south Mountain View shopping center where a 13-year-old girl escaped an attempted kidnapping on Sept. 5." Okay, this story is not so funny. I used to frequent that shopping center! I used to be a preferred customer of that Blockbuster! What went wrong? When did my hometown become a suburban ghetto?

I finally got my hands on a rare documentary that I've wanted to see since I heard about it in 1997. It's called Sick: The Life And Death Of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist. Despite what you may infer from the title, Sick is a really fascinating story about a self-lacerating performance artist who suffered from cystic fibrosis and martyred his flesh in order to master his pain (and also because it turned him on). Granted, the movie is extremely graphic and borders on hardcore pornography at times, but if you can stomach scenes like the "hammer of love" and some totally un-homo penis mutilation shots, then this is some good shit right here. It's not often that you can witness the life AND DEATH of a person on film. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you might throw up. Sick: The Life And Death Of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist is my movie pick of the week. Want a copy? No problem. Just let me know.

"Perturbed" is the word.

Stephen Jay Gould and Luke

One night, a fat black homeless guy is rummaging through a dumpster when he finds a magic lamp. Naturally, he rubs it, "it" referring to the lamp. Out pops a genie.

"You have released me. I shall now grant you three wishes."

"Three wishes? Aight. I wanna be white, skinny, and surrounded by pussy all the time."

What is it about the latest M&Ms ads?

Ahem. It's becoming frustrating to write material for tomorrow today. I don't want to live for tomorrow anymore. That is, I don't like saying "yesterday" when I mean "today." A post may have today's date, but I always write yesterday, talking about yesterday. Okay, I've confused myself. Just know that as of today, the word "today" will refer to yesterday because of simple delay. Yippee-ky-yay.

So now then.

"Today," I had my teeth cleaned. My parents insist that a dentist professionally clean my teeth twice a year. Personally, I don't see any difference between the before and after shots, but whatever. Anything to make my parents happy. Every time I go in for a teeth cleaning though, the dentist finds a cavity or two. I don't understand. I brush my teeth. I floss. I chew Trident. I'm a good boy. The tooth fairy must have it out for me. "Tomorrow," I shall return to the dentist's office to have my new found cavities filled. Whoo!

As I was rollin' rollin' rollin' into the driveway "today," I saw them on the front windows of our house. Flags. Two of them. My dad cut them out of the Chinese newspaper and taped them up so we could be like every other house in the neighborhood. Look, I pledge allegiance to the flag and all, but this is ridiculous. In the land of the free, we have become bandwagon zombies. Funny, I don't recall it being 1984.

What bothers me even more than groupthink junkies is my family's sudden new age appetite. Our fridge is literally packed with shit that's either organic or fat-free. When did my family go yuppie? What happened to the junk food I grew up with? The worst is this light cream cheese with 50% less fat…than butter or margarine. A lot of things are 50% less fat than butter or margarine, except that they don't taste like Orson Welles' ass.

We also own the George Foreman grill. You know, I hear surprisingly good things about this sleek appliance. I'm skeptical to try it though, simply because my parents will buy anything advertised on television as long as the commercial can induce epileptic seizures in Japanese children. I'm still reeling from the paint shit that "magically" restores auto bodies, the flowbee, the ginsu knives, Ron Popeil, and this funnel-cake-making set that we just got. It may be lean and mean, but the Foreman grill is not what I need right now.

You know what I need? Alcohol. The only problem is that I'm lazy and getting drunk is too much work. All that liquid. It can't possibly be good for your bladder. You'd think that by this day and age, some pharmaceutical company would have come out with a pill that increases the activity of inhibitory nerve pathways for you. I mean, we fuckin' have a pill for erectile dysfunction. A pill for intoxication can't be that unreasonable. In fact, I would say that an intoxication pill is a damn good idea. It would save water and time and yet preserve the American way of life.

Pistachio ice cream is yummy, but is it kosher? See, nuts belong in the meat food group and cream is obviously dairy, so I figure that pistachio ice cream isn't kosher. Or is it? Somebody help me out here.

I saw the video for "In The End" by Linkin Park. Total waste of money on awful special effects. Oh, and singer Chester Bennington looks like a cross between Eminem and Justin Timberlake.

Live 105 played "Down By The Water" by PJ Harvey "tonight." I was shocked on all levels. Live 105, a new rock alternative station, actually played a PJ Harvey song from 1995 at the request of a listener. Wow. To hear a song like that sandwiched between Papa Roach and Sum 41 – it's an indescribable feeling. What's funny is that Live 105 used to play PJ Harvey music before it was taken over by heavy rotationists Infinity Broadcasting, the same company behind evil KROQ in Los Angeles. That-a-boy, DJ With No Name. Stick it to the man!

Nag nag nag nag nag nag. Bullet proof…I wish I was. I might be wrong. Might.

Numan Gives Me Funny Looks

I'm so bored at home. Everybody's in school already. UCLA just has to be fashionably late. [sigh] In fact, I was so bored yesterday that I watched Raw Is War twice, first the east coast live feed on DirecTV and then the west coast delay at Greg's house. Added up, that's four hours of wrestling. Good show though.

Television-wise, living on the west coast sucks. Barely anything ever airs in real time, and the television networks love to rub it in the viewers' faces by noting that shows were "recorded earlier." I hate having to wait three hours to find out the answer to who shot Mr. Burns and other of life's greatest questions. The only benefits of west coast television are the Super Bowl and the Academy Awards, both of which are broadcast live everywhere, so I can watch in them in their entirety here in California at a reasonable hour.

You know who has it best? People who live in the central time zone. They get to watch the east coast feed…an hour early! Yes yes. I'm jealous.

After last night's episode, David Letterman will go down in history as a late night god, second only to Johnny Carson. It was classy, smart, and funny, with poignant moments from a typically hard ass Letterman and his guests, Dan Rather and Regis Philbin. Simply amazing television. To see Rather break down in tears TWICE… Wow.

Dude, I'm so bored that I don't know what else to write. Hmmm. Let's talk about computers. I seriously don't know how my family can exist with the technology we have at home. If you discount the satellite television, our house is stuck in 1985. I have to use two computers to update my website. It's truly the bollocks. The one computer that can 56K access the internet is my dad's laptop which has a slow-as-fuck processor and uses Windows 95 and Netscape 4.6. Shoot me. Who uses Netscape anymore? It's all about the Internet Explorer 5+, and all you anti-establishdementos know it. Alas, only my brother's computer has IE 5+ for me to work with. It's a frustrating game of back and forth I play. Oh well. I can deal for a week. I want to say that "I do it for the fans," but I don't have any fans.

Killer boredom and no friends, er, fans. This is the life.

Standing in the Middle of Yesterday

i'm not waiting for the answers on a sunday afternoon
i'm just too drunk to remember why i always slip through
the drugs and fake ambition have been helping me to hide
but it's the endless television that has kept me inside

where does it stop?
where does it end?
where do we go?
why am i always complaining?

i'm not looking for forgiveness for the things that i don't know
i'm really not that different, you just made me think so

I'm ready for normalcy. Take your time if you need to, but the magical misery tour has done its damage on me, and like my high school graduation, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I leave you with some final thoughts. War is not the road back to normalcy. Controlled retaliation measures, maybe, but flat-out war will only perpetuate chaos in America. See: Vietnam. Also, the 9-1-1 crashes do not help our crippling economy. I suggest we put the flags away and support our country by spending more dinero instead. If we're so proud of capitalism, then let's put our money where our mouths are and buy lots of shit to resuscitate the economy. Finally, concerning the death toll, I refer you to writer Ray Kurzwell:

"A great deal of our effort goes into avoiding [death]. We make extraordinary efforts to delay it and often consider its intrusion a tragic event, yet we'd find it hard to live without it. Death gives meaning to our lives. It gives importance and value to time. Time would become meaningless if there were too much of it. If death were indefinitely put off, the human psyche would end up, well, like the gambler in the Twilight Zone episode."

Okay, no more from me. I shall be quiet on the issue from now on and watch the sins of our forefingers play out.

Happy new year to those whom I direct my slut tendencies! Don't let Rosh hour traffic stop you from visiting though. Oi!

My brother asked me to help him with his homework today, his homework for…PE. Apparently, nowadays in junior high school, kids have to think in PE. What's up with that? PE was meant to be a mindless class, like marching band, a sabbatical from the actual brainpower (or not) involved in academia. Here I was, however, looking at a study sheet for a PE volleyball skills test. This is so wrong. When are they ever gonna use these "skills" anyway?

God, I love having a car. In Los Angeles, no car. In Mountain View, car. It's like getting your dick re-attached. I LOVE IT! For some reason, three months of not being able to drive has made me a better driver. I mean, I can park straight now. How cool is that? Oh, I miss driving so much. I miss speeding up to block the intended exit ramps of cars who pass me on the freeway, as if my driving isn't good enough for them. I miss getting pulled over for driving without my headlights on and getting pulled over for driving with my foglights on. But above all, I miss driving with no hands. That's right. I'm a frequent Tyler Durden driver. The rush you get from driving on the 101 safe empty suburban streets "sin manos" is simply incredible. Sex while driving can't even compare. So, the next time you see a shitty beat-up '85 Thunderbird with the license plate WINIWIN (win, I win) on the road, take cover. Whoo!

(out of 254 votes)

greatest band in the world • 237 votes • 93%
eh • 8 votes • 3%
greatest band in the world…for me to poop on! • 9 votes • 4%

Thank you, Alex Roome.

I Believe I Can Fly

Well, my attempt to exploit the "9-1-1 crashes" was a total flop. How am I supposed to win the Pulitzer Prize for investigative cynicism now? I've taken shits more eventful than what happened yesterday. Added security measures, my ass. I don't think having the scary black man responsible for "male check" molest me slightly more with a metal detector is much of a crackdown on terrorism, especially at a major market airport. It was basically just like every other airport experience I've had, except that check-in took longer. One hour and fifteen minutes! My actual flight was shorter than the check-in wait. Sheesh. Everything, for the most part, went so smoothly yesterday that at one point, I began to panic that September 15 (at LAX, of all places!) might end up being one of my top five airport experiences. That's when I heard the word I wanted to hear: DELAYED. Hooray for delays. It may have been a mere 45-minute delay, but it was a delay nonetheless. I wish I could be one of those people at times like these shown on the local news spending a night at the airport though. Oh well.

There's a famous Saturday Night Live sketch where John Belushi plays the cook in a diner that only serves cheeseburgers and Pepsi. Antics ensue when customers try to order other food. "No [insert other food]! Only cheeseburger and Pepsi!"

If you can believe it, the McDonald's in my terminal yesterday was worse than that diner. There was NO soda, and the limited menu gradually became more limited as the day went on. I had a hamburger and orange juice for lunch. Yummy.

Mineta better re-evaluate his strategy.


Let's go to the airport! Whoo!

For the entertainment of my audience, I'm gonna run the gauntlet of post-apocalyptic air travel and hopefully, live to tell about it.

Death can eat my ass. In my life, I've choked on a hamburger, stabbed myself in the neck with an envelope opener, and second-degree burned my dick with chicken soup. Death ain't got nothin' on me. And if any of these Falwellian idiots wants to hijack my plane, they will feel the wrath of Jonathan Yu. I may not have metal dining knives to use, but I'll have plastic sporks! Go ahead. Crash my flight. Just understand though that if I have to die, I WILL go out a bloody fuckin' mess. Mark my words.

Look who's in the news again. Jerry Falwell said Thursday on Pat Robertson's religious TV program The 700 Club that he blames the attacks on pagans, abortionists, feminists, homosexuals, the American Civil Liberties Union and the People for the American Way. Yes, Jerry, America was attacked because some women don't shave their pits and some guys like cock in their ass. Shut the fuck up and go back to hell.

Happy trails.

Superman's Dead

It appears that my childhood wish that people would stop laughing at me finally came true.

Offensive… Tasteless… Here we go again.

[sigh] I just can't win.

I don't know what to say. I stand by what I wrote this week because I don't know any better. Humor, timely or not, is just how I deal with tragedy. Yes, I know it's a terrible defense mechanism and don't think I get off on being an asshole. A boy bereft of emotion, anything I write is unfortunately gonna come off as insincere.

OF COURSE mass deaths aren't funny!

What we fail to realize though is that people die every day. It may not be in a horrific plane crash or as a result of its aftermath, but tragedy doesn't sleep. Where was the popular sympathy for the mounting casualties of the Palestinian-Israeli war, the dead children we saw and heard day in and day out on the news for the past coupla years? Why didn't Americans unite in outrage over the murder of James Byrd Jr., the black man dragged to death behind a pick-up truck by a white racist? Why don't we, as a nation, decry the existence of AIDS, instead of naively dismissing those who succumb to the virus as merely "faggots" and "drug addicts"?

Because Americans are selfish. I'm actually quite surprised at the sudden national "go America" sentiment. It was just a few days ago that being American meant sitting on your fat ass eating genetically-modified food watching athletes wearing sweatshop-produced uniforms play football.

I've gone on record many times saying that I love living in America and I will respect however Bush chooses to handle the situation. People died. Families grieved. Rescue workers put their lives on the line. We have every right to be selfish right now, and revenge is best served cold.

You know what we're gonna do? Bomb the culprits with missiles. Bombing – the cause of, and solution to, all of America's problems. I wish we'd just step back for a second, away from the flags, and take a look around.

Something like this was bound to happen sooner or later. It's basic existentialism. As long as America continues to be the world's mommy, nurturing and punishing in the name of selfish pursuits, foreigners are gonna hate us. If we really want this kind of shit to stop, then we gotta stop forcefeeding our shit to the world. You can't have it both ways. It's funny how "we are all human beings" only when America is attacked.

Do not underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. "Terminate with extreme prejudice." TERMINATE WHO? Ummm…Osama Bin Laden? Afghanistan? Who are these politicians? 16-year-old girls? It's not like if we blow up Bin Laden, everything will be flowers and puppy dogs and happy happy joy joy. Others will step up to take his place. The cycle continues. Blame is the cure-cure anything. Throw the rudder down. Throw the rudder down.

We call it a "cowardly act," yet there was nothing cowardly about what happened on Tuesday. Let's face it. They got us good. Now we know what it's like in Israel every…single…day. You know, I'm proud to be an American and all, but I just don't understand why we think we're superhuman, why we think that the name "America" is somehow indicative of sheer faultlessness. Last time I checked the history books, America has done some pretty awful things. I say go ahead and believe what you want to believe. However, next time you kiss the ass of the red, white, and blue, remember everything that you're proud of: Native American genocide, slavery, Hiroshima, Birmingham, Vietnam, and Ronald Reagan. Whoo!

I agree that the people behind the terrorism should be held accountable, but irrational vengeance on our part at this point will simply perpetuate America's military-industrial complex. Dwight was right, and he still is. That's all I have to say about that.

In other news, summer school is over. I have a week off and then it's time for more school. Hooray for me. I must say that planning my trip home this time was a nightmare. With air traffic up in the air (har har), I thought about playing Russian roulette with Southwest Airlines, but decided on hitching a ride back to my hometown. I feel like the mom in Home Alone.

I refer to Mountain View as "my hometown" like I haven't been there in ages. Silly me.

More from the current-top-terms-visitors-use-to-find-my-page-in-a-Google-search file: "first time i fuck a teen boy asshole" and "pennywise car accident september 9."

You know, if Nader was President, all the passengers on those ill-fated flights would be wearing seatbelts and the planes would be built with that mysterious black box material.

Did you know that black boxes are actually orange?

God bless Vince McMahon.

kill what we found, hate what they fear, make it go away, make it disappear

Consider the fact that
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Many will tell you otherwise
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
I bet you trust your bank
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Just wait until it tanks
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Your parents had it planned
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
We're almost just like them?
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Fun, racist professional sports
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Management gets the real rewards
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Multinational-owned evening news
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
If we believe we're fools
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
You watch 4.5 hours of TV a day
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
And we should listen to what you have to say?
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Opinions of life and the world
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
You eat at the Hard Rock abroad and disrespect your girl
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Sexism so ingrained
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
That women get the blame
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Is it smug middle class satisfaction you peddle?
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Better hope your car don't break down in the ghetto
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Rich companies lobby best
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Use their products, prepare to lose a breast
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Why your sick mother's health insurance got "accidentally" canceled is no mystery
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Somebody's paying the government a lot to have access to everybody's medical history
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Greedy banks bought all the farms
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Chemical food, aren't our lives charmed?
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Teenagers baited, their money spent
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
With credit cards at 20%
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Too broke to worry about the loan
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
They're fuckin' turning off your phone
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
And politics, a fuckin' joke
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Right and left – they're both a hoax
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Just hope the "international" markets don't crash!
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Rock 'n' roll! Some truth? Alas!
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Careerist cowards sucking ass
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Is real investigative reporting dead?
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Of course, but keeping watching your CNN
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
The glitz, the glamour, all jokes aside
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
If a sponsor pays enough, they'd turn a blind eye on third world genocide
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
"Bro, don't get heavy, the bills are paid!"
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Twice a week (missionary style) we all get laid
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Middle management goes first, you're out on your ass
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Most ignorance is bred at home
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Good Christian families? Then why condone
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Petty hatred of anything different or new
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
The fat girl hung herself in June
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
No love at home, they thought she was strong
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Her classmates made her up her own song
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
"Piggy Peggy ate everyone's pie"
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
The kids moved on, one teacher cried
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
The kids switched targets the week after she died
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Well, human nature won't change much
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Unless we make a shameful bunch
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Of those we see so glaringly
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Who show hate, ignorance, and hypocrisy
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Don't be a coward – make a stand!
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Get in their face – act like a ham
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Let people know it's not PC
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
To be greedy and judgmental under the guise of religion and democracy
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Get loud and stand up every time
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
If you even give a fuck about mankind
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Cuz if human nature don't evolve soon
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Don't kid yourself, you're fucking doomed
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Don't run away from change and growth
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
Let's start right now: "I take the oath!"
Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too
But first accept one simple truth
That maybe we've been brainwashed too.

Howard's gonna hate me for posting this.

The Day the Whole World Went Away

I suppose now isn't the best time to talk stocks.

Well, well, well. What can I say?

Michael Jordan should NOT return to professional basketball.

Oh and we got reamed yesterday.

It was the worst attack on American soil since the release of Pearl Harbor and gave the country a new date to live in 'famy. It was also the day I scammed a cheap sushi restaurant and went shopping for a new TV.

Three planes commandeered by unknown hijackers slammed into the Pentagon and New York's landmark World Trade Center, demolishing the twin 110-story towers that were once the tallest buildings in the world and possibly burying thousands of people in now geographically-incorrect New York City tourist merchandise. A fourth hijacked plane crashed in a wooded area near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, scaring the shit out of local Amish.

Not knowing if more attacks were on the way, authorities evacuated key television stations of all entertaining programming.

You know why Osama Bin Laden is such an angry guy? 'Cause Osama ain't been laid in a long, long time. Ha ha ha.

All kidding aside, watching people fall to their doom while our President runs away is not my idea of a good time. What troubles me the most – more than how clever the hijackers were, more than the pervasive Curtis LeMay rhetoric – is the lack of regard for the victims. What should have been a wake-up call for America only exacerbated our jingoist erection. Here in Los Angeles, the primary concern was shutting down Disneyland and shopping malls, lest another symbol of U.S. financial clout be attacked. So Aaliyah is eulogized to death (no pun intended) while collateral damage in the thousands goes unnoticed, lost and gone forever as the requiem of Dan Rather drones on in the background, at least for now. Command and Conquer was right: "A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic."

Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger told CNN: "This is comparable to Pearl Harbor and we must have the same response and the people who did it must have the same end as the people who attacked Pearl Harbor." Terrific. In response to Pearl Harbor, the U.S. built homegrown internment camps and dropped the atomic bomb for the first and only time in history. How will we top ourselves this time?

I know! In a day and age when nuclear weapons are more or less banned from civilized warfare, I have masterminded a plan to once and for all send a message to the world that tolerism will not be terrorated, er, you know what I mean.

step one: Find out who did this and extradite them to the U.S. I'm sure we can do this. We're always extraditing foreign war criminals to the U.S.

step two: If we find a pony, we can train it, train it to bite of their wieners.

step three: On an episode of Fear Factor, videotape the pony biting off the wieners of the bad guys while that tool who hosts the show taunts them. "Are you scared? What are you thinking right now? Scary, huh?"

step four: Feed the wieners to starving children in Africa.

step five: Back in America, have White House chefs cook the wienerless. President Bush is to then eat them in front of a worldwide television audience and throw up moments later on the Japanese Prime Minister. Don't think we've forgotten about that.

step six: Have Bush get on a mic and cut a searing promo.

"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and fuuurious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I eat you and feed your wieners to starving African children. Go America!"

Maybe I'm giving Bush too much credit. The guy can't even read a teleprompter correctly, let alone cut a good promo. Knowing Bush, he'll probably opt for a more conservative line of action, and yes, I have also masterminded a conservative plan. I call it "Plan B."

step one: Accumulate as many explosives as humanly possible.

step two: Sink the country that bred the bastards who did this. That's right. Sink the whole country, like Atlantis. Make the world a better place. That's one less country for us to deal with, one less place for evil to breed.


When I first heard the news, my initial reaction was "Dammit! I wanted to watch Love Cruise tonight! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Am I a cold heartless robot? Maybe… Bless me, father, for I have sinned, and you…you have just unleashed an anti-mideasterner monster in the minds of "most Americans."

October 11, 2001 – Las Vegas

Unknown hijackers commandeered the Manhattan Express roller coaster at the New York-New York Hotel & Casino today, derailed it and slammed into guest rooms behind the World Trade Center facade, demolishing the one-third actual size replica twin towers and possibly burying thousands of people alive.

While no group has claimed responsibility for the attack, suspicions centered on an implacable L.V. foe – exiled Donald Trump, who is being sheltered in Atlantic City by his money.

Explosions lit up the night sky at the Aladdin Hotel & Casino across the street, and reports said there were missiles flying across the Desert Passage. But a Trump spokesperson denied involvement and said the attack appeared to come from a Vegas opposition group.

What should be the next timeless classic to be completely re-imagined with fight choreography by Hong Kong legend Xin-Xin Xiong?
(out of 67 votes)

The Autobiography of Malcolm X • 0 votes • 0%
The Bible • 5 votes • 7%
Charlotte's Web • 1 vote • 1%
The Kama Sutra • 4 votes • 6%
A Separate Peace • 46 votes • 69%
Walden • 11 votes • 16%

Kung fu blitzball! Whoo!


Okay, I had a terrific insightful post written up and then my computer crashed. Fuck that. Here's what I remember from my original post:

I discovered today that the current top terms visitors use to find my page in a Google search are "fuck yu men," "toronto sluts," and "fucking wives." Whoo. My site has become an internet whorehouse.

Want more? Get me XP or OS X so I don't have to deal with this ME bullshit anymore. Fuck fuck fuck!

Linkin pork:
go • easymate
go • "feels like" forecast
go • first twins
go • international center for bathroom etiquette
go • international trepanation advocacy group