Emo Stoichiometry

It's official. As of August 11, 2001, the URL of my website will be www.adamriff.com. I wanted a new URL and attackoftheclones.com was already taken. Please make note of the change. I will not be re-directing people from childofalessergod.com. Until further notice, this website will be accessible from now on through either www.adamriff.com or www.geocities.com/commiebastardgod. And no, I'm not crazy. Rory Brown is lucky he cut off all forms of communication with me a long time ago or I would've registered www.rorybrown.com too. Hmmm…

Some asshole in my residence hall triggered the fire alarm at 5:00 AM yesterday. I can't begin to tell you how much fun I had waiting outside in the cold barefoot and half-asleep while all the visiting Japanese students took photographs and the French ones smoked. French people always seem to be smoking.

I'm not against smoking or anything, but you'd think the tobacco industry would have enough sense to look out for all us non-smokers and manufacture scented cigarettes. I mean, wouldn't you rather breathe in the fumes of "Ocean Breeze" Marlboros than just plain ol' tar and formaldehyde?

My new roommate is named Chet. I'd never met a guy named Chet before until this Chet moved in. Who names their kid Chet? When I first heard that my new roommate was named Chet, I immediately associated his name with a Beat generation bohemian Greenwich Village idiot. I mean, that's what you typically think of when you hear the name Chet. Boy, I was wrong. Chet the roommate is from San Diego and (gasp!) he's a white short-haired clean-cut Abercrombie and Fitch surfer dude. Every guy from San Diego fits that profile. Oh, it's true. It's damn true.

Chet is a cool dude though. He likes wrestling. Whoo! He's also a CS major, so there'll be no Jeff Spicoli antics here. Oh well. I'm looking at his side of the room as I type this and I see that he just bought a six-pack of not Budweiser, but Diet Cherry Coke. I didn't know they made Diet Cherry Coke and that there was actually a market for it. I think Chet probably accounts for half the sales of Diet Cherry Coke.

Ahhh…Coke. I haven't had that shit in a long time. You see, UCLA is sponsored by Pepsi. Every beverage available on campus is a Pepsi product. Pepsi Pepsi Pepsi. Everything Pepsi. To all you prospective college students out there, be sure to take school sponsors into consideration when selecting a college, otherwise you might be stuck drinking Pepsi products for a while. Although, I do have to admit to really liking the new cherry Mountain Dew. Watch as my sperm count plummets.

I bet you all the people who bought XFL merchandise are feeling really stupid right about now.

The UCLA Bruin football team was ranked at No. 15 in the preseason ESPN / USA Today Top 25 coaches poll, despite finishing last season unranked with a 6-6 record and a bowl game loss and then losing Freddie Mitchell to the NFL in the interim. Number 15! We're ranked higher than a bunch of 8-4 teams (cough, Northwestern, cough). Suckers.

Wait, did I just make a semi-coherent statement about sports? Wow. Good for me. I don't know anything about sports. Seth put it best when he told me: "Jon, you don't know anything about sports." Thank you, Freedland.

Don't get me wrong. I like watching sports. I just don't appreciate sports as much as most people. I can't bring myself to follow a sports team through an entire season. Usually, I'll catch a few regular games and most of the biggies, but that's the extent of my involvement. Most sports are simply too long and boring to hold my attention. Take tennis, for example. Who wants to see the same guys play each other at every tournament? It's always Sampras vs. Agassi or Seles vs. Williams. At least in wrestling when re-matches are staged, they'll have different cool gimmicks each time. What's the coolest gimmick the golf world can think up? Hey, let's have an intergender doubles match and call it "the Battle of Bighorn." [sigh] The only sports I really get into are swimming, wrestling, and college basketball, because the matches are relatively short and fast-paced.

Unlike baseball.

There is no sport I hate more than baseball. Could it possibly get any less exciting? One or two "plays of the day" sandwiched between countless hours of back-and-forth easy outs and walks is not my idea of a good time. Unfortunately, for the rest of America, it is. I don't get it. Where's the action? I wanna see Barry Bonds hit some home runs and break that stupid record, but how is he ever gonna break that record if nobody will pitch to him? Baseball isn't fun anymore. The time has passed for this pasttime.

Fear not, however. I've decided to challenge Bud Selig for the MLB commissionership because I'm certain that I can make the game of baseball more exciting in four easy steps:

1 • I know that baseball players each have their own theme songs that blast on the speakers when they go to bat. Why not add video packages and pyrotechnics to the mix in order to rile up the crowd WWF style? Imagine the pop Ichiro Suzuki will get when he walks to home plate amidst a sea of organized fire while highlights of his career play on the jumbotron and the Vapors' "Turning Japanese" aurally permeates the stadium.

2 • All balls that touch the bat are fair game. Foul balls suck. I will have none of that nonsense.

3 • If a game goes into overtime, rain machines will be brought out and the game will continue in a simulated rain environment. Why? Because after nine time-consuming innings, you need something to keep the audience pumped, especially since overtime in baseball can go on forever. If anything, the audience needs to be even more pumped about overtime than they were about the actual game. Hence…rain. What can I say? It worked at Woodstock.

4 • Before each game, one player of the home team will be secretly selected by the opposing team's general manager to be a mole whose sole job is to sabotage the game for his teammates without getting caught. The first person in the crowd to identify the mole wins a Honda Civic and the privilege of having instigated a wildly entertaining fight on the field.

Under my four-point plan, baseball will never be the same again. I guarantee it.

In about six months, Sum 41 will be playing state fairs as:
(out of 25 votes)
Sum 41 Goes to Hollywood • 1 vote • 4%
Right, Said Sum 41 • 2 votes • 8%
Sum 41 Politti • 1 vote • 4%
Sum 41 and the Beaver Brown Band • 8 votes • 36%
Sum 4182 • 12 votes • 48%
Note to self: don't use 80s references in 2001.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.