Burger King is selling tacos now. Two tacos for 99 cents. You know that profits are down when a restaurant that bills itself as the Burger KING adds tacos to its menu. What's next? The double bacon chalupa? Tenacious D, The Rock, and Kurt Angle…
Date Archives August 2001
Howard the Murderer
It's the summer of 1998 and I'm in school fulfilling my high school Health class requirement. I have a Smashing Pumpkins song stuck in my head, but I don't know what it's called, so I ask a girl at my table. "Hey, do you know…
Howard the Genius
If you need proof that Asian parents have no idea how to name their children, look no further. Living on my floor next year are two guys (neighbors, in fact) named Jonathan Wu and John Woo. A Yu, a Wu, and a Woo. Whoo! I've…
Howard the Geek
It's my daddy's birthday. Whoo! I was at work today and this guy called in. "My roommate's a faggot and I don't want to live with him." Such subtlety. Win Ben Stein's Money is at UCLA this week, taping 10 episodes for its two-week-long "back…
Howard the Dork
Why bother? It's gonna hurt me It's gonna kill when you desert me This happened to me twice before It won't happen to me anymore I write one post talking about how nobody ever visits my website and suddenly everybody's messaging me with the question…
Waiting for a Hard Drive
The internet is like a penis. How? It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival…
Goonies Never Say "Die"
Jon: Hi everybody! Hornblower's at band camp this week, so taking his place today is Ignorant Dave from down the street. Dave: 'Sup, faggots? Jon: We have a lot to cover in today's post. First off, my friend and I went to Canter's Deli last…
Coffee and Cigarettes
On the morning of August 17, 1971 in Palo Alto, California, nine young men were arrested in their homes by local police. The arrestees were among about 70 young men, mostly college students eager to earn $15 a day for two weeks, who volunteered as…
Chernobyl Man
My parents got me a credit card. Bad move. Mommy and Daddy should've known better. You see, Jonathan Yu blows money quicker than a whore fellating Eddie Money. It's like giving a mouse a cookie, except the cookie is a Visa with a high credit…