Howard the Bad Ass Motherfucker

Burger King is selling tacos now. Two tacos for 99 cents. You know that profits are down when a restaurant that bills itself as the Burger KING adds tacos to its menu. What's next? The double bacon chalupa?

Tenacious D, The Rock, and Kurt Angle will present at next week's MTV Video Music Awards, and for the first time ever, Jonathan Yu is going live on the internet. Join me next Thursday starting at 6:30 PM eastern time (3:30 PM pacific) for play-by-play commentary on all the VMA fun. Four-and-a-half hours of frequent updates with yours truly – better than sex.

I was at the pool today and I realized how much I hate people who use flippers. Like Elvin once said, "That's…CHEATING."

Okay, let's talk about Stile. Jay Stile is a guy who became famous for running the Stile Project, a website where he basically posts porn and other depraved digital goodies. Recently, he's come under fire for posting a video of a Korean man killing, cooking, and eating a kitten. Now, I'm gonna stay out of this whole Asian dietary practice controversy, but I want to say that you should know what you're getting into when you visit Stile. Unfortunately, some people who considered themselves desensitized really weren't. Here's where I come in with…

Jonathan Yu's Tough Enough Challenge

Are you tough enough for Stile? See how far you get in my test of personal moral standards. Caution: explicit content! Challenge is NOT intended for children and/or pious Christians.

Britney Spears adorns the cover of the latest Rolling Stone with the quote "Don't treat me like a little girl" printed in big bold letters next to her. Well then…

What should we treat Britney Spears like?
(out of 31 votes)

a little boy • 6 votes • 19%
meat • 19 votes • 61%
this and like that and like this and uh • 2 votes • 6%
a cancer patient • 0 votes • 0%
Christina Aguilera • 4 votes • 13%

So we should treat Britney Spears like meat. Is this the same meat you guys beat while fantasizing about a girl you want to treat like meat?

Howard the Murderer

It's the summer of 1998 and I'm in school fulfilling my high school Health class requirement. I have a Smashing Pumpkins song stuck in my head, but I don't know what it's called, so I ask a girl at my table.

"Hey, do you know the name of the Smashing Pumpkins song with a chorus that goes 'a killer in me is a killer in you'?"

She doesn't know and suggests that I go ask this little alternative girl sitting at the next table. So I go over and ask the little alternative girl.

"Hey, do you know the name of the Smashing Pumpkins song with a chorus that goes 'a killer in me is a killer in you'?"

"Yeah. 'Sodomy.'"

I think to myself: 'Sodomy'? What an awkward name for a song. I guess it makes sense…
Flash forward to October. I'm in yearbook class discussing rock music with somebody and the subject of the Smashing Pumpkins comes up.

"Oooh! I LOVE the Pumpkins! Billy Corgan is God. My favorite song is 'Tonight, Tonight.'"

"I like 'Sodomy'!"

I would later find out that the name of the song is actually "Disarm."

Whoo! I can't get enough of System Of A Down's new single "Chop Suey!" I'm such a fanboy.

Howard the Genius

If you need proof that Asian parents have no idea how to name their children, look no further. Living on my floor next year are two guys (neighbors, in fact) named Jonathan Wu and John Woo. A Yu, a Wu, and a Woo. Whoo!

I've been meaning to change my name for a while now. I don't know how many times I've been in public and heard my name called only to turn my head and realize that the name-caller was referring to another Jon. Also, why do people always assume that I spell my name with an "H"? For the last time, my Jonathan has no "H"! It's kosher, just the way I like it.

What does a boy like me choose for a new name? I've considered variations on Jonathan, names like Nathan, Jack, and Jonas, but everybody tells me that I'm not cool enough for those names. Moreover, the obvious fun ones are out by default. Damn, Fuck, Kill, Pee, Screw, Shit On, and Jizz Like A Volcano All Over don't exactly make good impressions on prospective employers. I don't know… I'm at the point in my life where I'll even consider predominantly female names in order to avoid slipping back into the flocks of anonymous Jonathans in the world. How does Hadassah Yu sound?

I was at Tower Records yesterday and as I walked out, I saw Afroman – the guy behind the "Because I Got High" song – standing right there on the sidewalk. At first, I thought he was one of those crazy black guys who roam the hallowed grounds of Westwood for a living. Upon closer examination, however, I discovered that this particular individual was…Afroman, a crazy black guy who sings about pot for a living.

We discussed anorexia nervosa in psych class and it got my thinking. Call me an insensitive asshole, but I simply cannot respect anorexic males. For some reason, in my mind, they are weak. The same goes for men who are raped by women. WEAK. I'm sorry. Shoot me for not being all touchy feely.

Howard the Geek

It's my daddy's birthday. Whoo!

I was at work today and this guy called in. "My roommate's a faggot and I don't want to live with him." Such subtlety.

Win Ben Stein's Money is at UCLA this week, taping 10 episodes for its two-week-long "back to school challenge" in front of Royce Hall. Ex-host Jimmy Kimmel returns just for this particular series. Another reason why my school is better than yours.

I want to get my hair cut like the singer of Alien Ant Farm. You know, a shaved head with a thin wedge perpendicular to the eyebrows cut out, or what Jord calls "the Ad Rock." [sigh] I'm so unfortunately typical.

Howard the Dork

Why bother?
It's gonna hurt me
It's gonna kill when you desert me
This happened to me twice before
It won't happen to me anymore

I write one post talking about how nobody ever visits my website and suddenly everybody's messaging me with the question "are you shutting down your site?"

No, I am not shutting down my website and never planned to. After seeking psychiatric help though, I HAVE decided to continue running my site…for me. Feel free to join the party if you want, but other people are gonna be the least of my worries from now on. It's absurd to care, really. Even my horoscope this week says so:

"It's not terrible to lose your mind (at least temporarily). What's bad is not capitalizing on it, like by escaping the stunted realities that caused you to lose your mind in the first place; or by exploring surprising emotions that may lead you to the roots of your future superpowers; or by narrating your life story into a beat-up tape recorder as you sprawl on the floor in a pool of your own tears and then selling the whole beautiful mess to a Hollywood screenwriter."

On with the show…

I guess Romeo wasn't the only person who had to die. You could say that "we need a resolution" on safe modes of transportation. Creed should invest in a private jet.

I know, I know. I'm going to hell.

The United States Olympic committee was here at UCLA on Friday touring the dormitories. If you don't know, during the 1984 Summer Olympics in Los Angeles, the athletes stayed in the UCLA dormitories, and now that Los Angeles is bidding for the Olympics again, it's back to the dormitories. First off, Sydney built a fuckin' biodegradable village for its Olympians and the best that Los Angeles can do is the UCLA dormitories? And secondly, why is Los Angeles bidding for the Olympics again? Where are they gonna build all the brand new sporting facilities that the IOC demands? I don't understand why American megalopolises think it'd be a good idea to play host to billions of people on top of the billions of people they already play host to. I heard that New York City and San Francisco were bidding for the Olympics too. Brilliant.

I saw Bubble Boy Friday night and afterward, as I walked out of the theater, some cameraman stopped me and asked if he could videotape my honest reaction to the movie. I agreed and what followed was basically me lying to the camera for a minute-and-a-half. You just don't want to get on Disney's bad side.

Class, turn to page 32 of Entertainment Weekly's fall movie preview issue. "Third Eye Blind singer Stephan Jenkins cameos [in the movie Rock Star] as an extraordinarily untalented musician." What a stretch.

I fuckin' hate automatic hand dryers. They may be eco-friendly, but it takes forever to dry anything with those machines. Gimme a paper towel and stop wasting my time.

I also hate toilet seat covers. Why don't they punch out the hole for you? When I need to take a shit, I need to take a shit, and the time required to punch the hole out brings me one step closer to shittin' in my pants.

There are some things in this world that simply don't need to be ugly, and money is one of 'em. Am I the only person who finds the "new and improved" dollar bills to be really ugly? Lame fonts, white space, and gigantic off-center dead President heads don't exactly capture the capitalist effectiveness of AMERICA. No, the new dollar bills capture the capitalist effectiveness of MONOPOLY.

Bob Dylan is hitting the road in support of his forthcoming album Love and Theft, due in stores September 11. America's favorite born-again Christian plays San Jose (Compaq Center) on October 12, San Francisco (Bill Graham Civic Center) on October 13, and Los Angeles (Staples Center) on October 19.

My brother enters 7th grade tomorrow. Can you believe it? Here in California, we can thank our wonderful Governor Gray Davis for extending the K-12 school year and eliminating teacher-in-service days. Amen. We can also thank he with the perfect hair for rolling blackouts, philandering state representatives, and a Republican winning the California governorship in 2002.

go • childcare action project
go • fetapets
go • kill your friends
go • orgasmatron
go • pop nots!
go • uncelebrity
go • unloading windows
go • weeeeeeeeee!
go • y2khai
go • youth cocktail


I'm tired.

I'm tired of running a website that nobody visits. I'm tired of exhausting my creative energy for the amusement of none. I've tired of this generic layout. I'm tired of having to pay Geocities to host the North Dakota of the internet.

I'm tired of coming off as a fucking idiot online. I'm tired of putting my foot in my mouth every time I type. I'm tired of unintentionally saying all the wrong things on AIM and getting blocked for doing so. I'm tired of alienating people in this horribly impersonal medium. I'm tired of trying so hard to be liked and failing miserably.

I'm tired of feeling like shit.

Yes, I'm a prude. Yes, I'm no fun. There'll be no hedonism for me, because I feel like shit when I engage in such behavior, and I don't need to feel shittier than I already am on a daily basis. Sorry about the inconvenience.

I'm tired of my body. I'm tired of the chicken legs. I'm tired of the Dumbo ears. I'm tired of the hairy nipples. I'm tired of the birthmark on my left armpit.

I'm tired of me.

I'm tired of dealing with my past. I'm even more tired of dealing with my future. I'm tired of growing up. I'm tired of self-respect. I'm tired of insecurity. I'm tired of girls. I'm tired of being their therapist. I'm tired of having nothing to say to Ashley Sasaki when I see her at a dining hall.

I'm tired of being associated with "freedom of speech." I'm tired of people who play the "freedom of speech" card. To me, "freedom of speech" is a lie. Everything I say and do is carefully calculated in order to avoid the consequences of too much "freedom of speech."

I'm tired of fighting religion. I'm tired of how fashionable it is nowadays to be atheist or agnostic in high school. I'm tired of losing faith in humanity. I used to care, but things have changed.

I'm tired of school. I'm tired of not having a car. I'm tired of Los Angeles. I'm tired of California.

I'm tired of the environment. I'm tired of activism. I'm tired of boycotts. I'm tired of protests. I'm especially tired of anarchists. If you don't like America…move! I hear they have plenty of vacancies in the Middle East.

I'm tired of the internet. I'm tired of extended periods of boredom. I'm tired of sex with your mom.

I'm tired of gay pride parades. I'm tired of women's basketball. I'm tired of Koreans always thinking they're black. I'm tired of people blasting bands for "selling out." What band, in their right mind, doesn't want to become rich and famous?

I'm tired of never hearing my name and the word "friend" in the same sentence. I'm tired of never hearing from anybody at all. I'm tired of friendship. I'm tired of philanthropy with no payoff. I'm tired of being this tired.

I'm tired of disconnecting myself from my family.

I'm tired of writing. Goodbye.

Waiting for a Hard Drive

The internet is like a penis.


It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species.

Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful about what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions are, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself, "Why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it; some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day long if they didn't have work to do.

Thanks, Andy.


Goonies Never Say "Die"

Jon: Hi everybody! Hornblower's at band camp this week, so taking his place today is Ignorant Dave from down the street.
Dave: 'Sup, faggots?
Jon: We have a lot to cover in today's post. First off, my friend and I went to Canter's Deli last Friday where I ate the largest matzah ball I've ever seen.
Dave: Fuckin' Jews. Always makin' money off the world's matzah balls.
Jon: Hey now! There's nothing wrong with matzah balls.
Dave: You're just sayin' that 'cause you're a fuckin' matzah ball slut. Always symphathizin' with the matzah balls. What has a matzah ball ever done for you, Yu?
Jon: Filled my tummy with matzah meal goodness. Moving on… I went to Best Buy yesterday to buy the Goonies DVD and it was SOLD OUT. Apparently, not only do concert tickets sell out quickly in Los Angeles, so do mass-produced children's movies. I visited a bunch of entertainment media stores before stumbling upon a copy at Tower Records in Westwood.
Dave: Fuckin' Goonies. Always takin' jobs from us hardworkin' Americans.
Jon: Dave, the Goonies are a fictional group of kids. Besides, what are you complaining about? You have tenure.
Dave: Fuck off, gook! No wait. Fuck off, gookie! Hahaha.
Jon: Clever…
Dave: I know you are, but what am I? Hahaha.
Jon: Ignorant Dave, ladies and gentlemen. [pause] I have a question. Why is it that when I don't have a car, gas prices go down?
Dave: 'Cause you're a bad driver.
Jon: What does that have to do with lower gas prices?
Dave: I dunno. But you're a bad driver, you eat your dog, and you have a small dick.
Jon: Yes yes. You know what else is wrong with me? I'm an insect magnet. At work on Monday, I noticed that I had itchy red spots all over my arms and head. My co-workers speculated that it might be chicken pox or poison oak. I decided to consult a physician. The red spots turned out to be insect bites. Now that's a lot of insect bites. What do insects see in my blood? Is it really that delicious? I've tasted my blood before and personally, I don't think it's all that tasty. In fact, it's rather salty.
Dave: That Mexican lasagna they have in the dining halls is salty too. Fuckin' 'spics. Always fuckin' up the Mexican lasagna.
Jon: Dude, Mexican lasagna is not authentic Mexican food. I don't think anybody really knows how to make Mexican lasagna. Anyway, back to me. I think I have hemorrhoids. Sometimes, it hurts to sit down and when I wipe my ass, there'll be blood on the toilet paper.
Dave: I guess you have a small dick in the front AND in the back. Hahaha.
Jon: Shut the fuck up! Hemorrhoids are no laughing matter. Remind me to go buy some ass creme tomorrow.
Dave: Mmmm. Ass creme. My momma used to buy me chacolut ass creme with spankles every Sunday after church.
Jon: Get a hold of yourself, man! You're disintegrating into a bad southern stereotype.
Dave: Yes, massa.
Jon: In other news, the 100 album covers for Jonathan Yu's Money, Cash & Hoes Game are up. To play, e-mail me ( a list of album covers you've identified, making sure to include the artist and the album title for each cover. The deadline is September 1.
Dave: Nigga please! Nobody visits your website, you stupid chink, and nobody's gonna play your lame ass game. Who do you know that's actually playing? WHO? Greg and……Greg. How's that for competition? It's so exciting, I can't control myself.
Jon: Well, more money for me then, pending that Greg's a total schmuck when it comes to music.
Dave: Don't worry. Mutts aren't too bright.
Jon: True. Yet, the force is strong in this one. He managed to snag Katy, didn't he?
Dave: He likes wrestling though!
Jon: Hey, don't talk shit about wrestling! Summer Slam was awesome!
Dave: It's fake! It's…not real!
Jon: So is Narnia, but nobody has a problem with that.
Dave: I have a problem with Narnia…
Jon: Dave, you have a problem with a lot of things – the French, Canadians, Tara Reid, controlling your bladder, crack…
Dave: You wanna DIE, honky?
Jon: Ummm, I'm not a…"honky." You're the "honky." I'm what you would refer to as a "slant-eyed midget."
Dave: Okay… You wanna DIE, slant-eyed midget?
Jon: Bring it on.

Coffee and Cigarettes

On the morning of August 17, 1971 in Palo Alto, California, nine young men were arrested in their homes by local police.

The arrestees were among about 70 young men, mostly college students eager to earn $15 a day for two weeks, who volunteered as subjects for an experiment on prison life that had been advertised in the Palo Alto Times. After interviews and a battery of psychological tests, the two dozen judged to be the most normal, average, and healthy were selected to participate, assigned randomly either to be guards or prisoners.

Those who would be prisoners were booked at a real jail, then blindfolded and driven to Stanford University where they were led into a makeshift prison in the basement of Jordan Hall.

Those assigned to be guards were given uniforms and instructed that they were not to use violence but that their job was to maintain control of the prison.

The planned two-week investigation into the psychology of prison life had to be ended prematurely after only six days because of what the situation was doing to the college students who participated. In only a few days, the guards became sadistic and the prisoners became depressed and showed signs of extreme stress.

Today, the Stanford Prison Experiment is accepted as a classic psychological study, right up there with the work of Stanley Milgram. What you probably don't know though is that Stanford wasn't the only college to conduct a controversial experiment involving real people. Many other higher educational institutions have carried out experiments of their own in order to better understand human nature. Take a look:

The UCLA Experiment
students are studied when they realize that of all the places to not have parking spaces in sprawling Los Angeles, their school is public enemy #1

The UC Berkeley Experiment
students are studied when they realize that all the hippies sleeping on the streets around campus are just students who couldn't afford housing

The UC Davis Experiment
students are studied when they realize that cows are only fun to eat

The UC Santa Cruz Experiment
students are studied when they realize that they attend UC Santa Cruz

The BU Experiment
students are studied when they realize that a communications degree doesn't mean jack shit anymore

The MIT Experiment
students are studied when they realize that they will never ever have sex

The Harvard Experiment
students are studied when they realize that they worked their asses off in high school only to have people constantly harass them with the statement "Oh, you go to Haaaaaarvard."

The Yale Experiment
students are studied when they realize that they worked their asses off in high school only to have people constantly harass them with the statement "Oh, you go to Yaaaaaale."

The UC Riverside Experiment
students are studied when they realize that they worked their asses off in high school only to have people constantly harass them with the statement "Oh, you must have slacked off biiiiiig time during second semester of senior year."

The Dartmouth Experiment
students are studied when they realize that their school is nothing like National Lampoon's Animal House

The Penn Experiment
students are studied when they realize that they pay roughly $10,000 more a year so people will not confuse their school with Penn State

The Northwestern Experiment
students are studied when they realize that their school colors are PURPLE and GOLD

The Northeastern Experiment
students are studied when they realize that they accidentally applied to the wrong school

The BYU Experiment
students are studied when they realize that polygamy ain't worth all the other shit being Mormon entails

The USC Experiment
also known as "admission"

Weezer tickets are now on sale for the September 11th show at the Event Center Arena in San Jose (through and the September 12th show at the Henry J. Kaiser Arena in Oakland (through

This October, witness the "D" on the west coast. Tenacious D plays Los Angeles (Wiltern Theatre) on October 24 and San Francisco (the Warfield) on Halloween.

Why do hurricanes and tropical storms always have such gay names? Am I honestly supposed to be scared of a tropical storm named Chantal? I might be weirded out a little if Chantal was a transvestite in North Hollywood, but this is a tropical storm we're talking about! If you're gonna name a bad weather system, at least call it something macho like Bruno or Matt Griffin, because nobody's really threatened by anything named Chantal.

Which of the following would you rather watch?
(out of 18 votes)

American Outlaws • 8 votes • 44%
Captain Corelli's Mandolin • 0 votes • 0%
Rat Race • 2 votes • 11%
Summer Catch • 2 votes • 11%
a fire in a trash can • 6 votes • 33%

I hate it when people don't "get" my polls. Retards.

Chernobyl Man

My parents got me a credit card. Bad move. Mommy and Daddy should've known better. You see, Jonathan Yu blows money quicker than a whore fellating Eddie Money. It's like giving a mouse a cookie, except the cookie is a Visa with a high credit limit and the mouse is a capitalist sympathizer who gets off on buying on impulse. I have the credit card locked in my desk right now for fear that when and if I do use it, my lack of materialist restraint could be taken…to the extreme! Case in point: last May, I walked into Tower Records to buy Weezer's new album and walked out with five albums and an empty wallet. Now, imagine what would've happened if I had a credit card on hand that day and shudder. I also bought a ticket to the KROQ Inland Invasion (re: Weezer) show in Riverside next week without thinking and realizing that I have no means of transportation to the Inland Empire. That's $45 for naught, $36 if you deduct the stupid fuckin' Ticketmaster "convenience" charges. Oh well. Sucks to be me, with or without a credit card.

My eyes are burning. I guess that means I should get some sleep.

If your life depended on fucking a baked good, which of the following baked goods would you fuck?
(out of 27 votes)

girls and homosexual guys:
baguette • 1 vote • 4%
bear claw • 1 vote • 4%
cannoli • 2 votes • 7%
churro • 5 votes • 19%
twinkie • 8 votes • 30%

heterosexual guys:
bagel • 3 votes • 11%
cupcake • 3 votes • 11%
flan • 1 vote • 4%
fruitcake • 3 votes • 11%
bob dylan • 0 votes • 0%

It's really sad when the majority of your website's tiny visitor population would fuck a twinkie.

Naked Lunchbox

I use the word "fuck" a lot, so today I thought I'd try something different and not use the word "fuck" at all. And now, ten times in history when using the word "fuck" was appropriate:

"What the fuck was that?"
– mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
– General Custer

"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
– Albert Einstein

"It does SO fucking look like her!"
– Pablo Picasso

"How the fuck did you work that out?"
– Pythagoras

"You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?"
– Michelangelo

"I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain."
– Joan of Arc

"Scattered fucking showers, my ass!"
– Noah

"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!"
– John F. Kennedy

"We're all fucked."
– Dick Cheney


NBC has tapped Carson Daly to host its late-night interview show Later, which will return to the peacock's late-night lineup early next year. Daly's new gig on Later is part of a three-year deal with NBC Studios that will allow Daly to host or appear on a range of NBC programs. He'll also continue to host TRL and his two syndicated radio countdown shows. Does the world really need more of Carson Daly? A 28-year-old Catholic golfer who paints his fingernails does not deserve this much exposure.

Ja Rule, Staind, and Jennifer Lopez have been added to the performance roster for the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. Wait…Jennifer Lopez? Who wants to hear her lip sync? People like her ass, not her music.

In addition, Britney Spears will debut "I'm A Slave 4 U," the first single off her upcoming third album, on the show. Scheduled for release November 6, Spears' as-yet-untitled record will also feature such pop gems as "Give It 2 Me In D Ass," "Mouth For Rent," and "Talking Vagina."

Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

If I can be serious for a minute, I want to address the mideast peace crisis. It's stupid. It really is. When you check the news and it reports on a different death in the mideast every day, I don't think you can call the situation anything but "stupid." Will this back-and-forth vengeance ever stop? And what, exactly, are they fighting over? Land. A fuckin' piece of land. [sigh] It seems that whenever human beings engage in war, we lose track of what we're fighting for early on, and it all ends up disintegrating into this silly game of kill-the-enemy. Look at Vietnam. For most of our men in southeast Asia, it was a case of "shoot the gook," not "protect the world from the domino effect." Now, I am by no means one of those Amnesty International freaks – manslaughter with a purpose is okay by me – but this whole mideast peace crisis is just…stupid.

Let's put the soapbox away.

I'm currently taking Psych 10 (Introduction To Psychology) to kill off my final general education requirement, and every Psych 10 student needs to be a psychology experiment guinea pig for six hours in order to pass the class. So on Monday, I participated in a study on the influence of attention and stress on how adults process sounds for three hours of credit. In theory, it sounded cool: sit in a semi-darkened room and have measurements taken of my brain wave activity and eye blinks by small recording disks attached to the surface of my scalp and taped to my forehead and earlobes while I listen to brief clicks through headphones and look at pictures of firearms, victims of violence, and people fighting. It turns out that I was part of the control group for this particular experiment, so instead of looking at cool pictures, I stared at pictures of office supplies for 30 minutes and then at a blank screen for another 30 minutes. That's right. I was secluded in a dark room hooked up to a machine listening to clicking sounds and gawking at a blank screen for HALF AN HOUR. Now I know what hell is like. What's more, I was later told that this experiment was not so much an investigation on how adults process sound but rather a study on why some people tend to develop schizophrenic symptoms. Whoo!

I was also really tired during the experiment and had difficulty keeping my eyes open. Thing is, the recording disks attached to my head were monitoring brain and eye activity, so the experimenter conductor guy could tell I was falling asleep and kept yelling at me through the loudspeaker to "keep alert!" I'm such a bad guinea pig.

As I was on my way to the Jimmy Eat World show Monday night, I saw a couple lying on the sidewalk making out. Hooray for them. Then, at the show, this couple standing right next to me forgot that this was a show and not a whorehouse and started making out. The show was sold out, so I was awfully close to all the "action." In fact, I was so close, I could smell the condom bursting. They just wouldn't stop, and to make matters worse, the girl was blond. Here I was trying to enjoy JEW while these two lovebirds, way too drunk for their own good, got it on five centimeters away from me. I think at one point, the guy accidentally felt me up. Ugh. I wanted to shoot them.

I wish I had a gun. You read that correctly. I wish I had a gun, not to go all Columbine or anything like that. There are just some times when I want to shoot people, like when I'm standing in the express line at the supermarket and the old lady in front of me insists on paying for a pack a gum with a check. Am I the only person who feels this way? Am I the only person who sat in journalism class imagining what it'd be like to pull a gun out and shut Robert Witmeyer up once and for all in cold blood? If I am, then shoot me.

Bored? Go to Google and type in "jonathan shit." Guess who's website pops up first (and second)? Search for "scapegoat wax jew" too. What do you find?

I guess one of the requirements of being a millionaire is that you have to take a failed balloon ride around the world. I don't get it. You have more money than Jesus, and what do you do? Risk your life to unsuccessfully circumnavigate Earth in a fuckin' balloon. I'll take the Concorde, thank you very much.

In Weezer news, the group will be filming a second video for "Island In The Sun," the sophomore single from their new album. The initial video for the song, directed by Marcos Siega, is currently in rotation on MTV, but the group has decided to make another video with director Spike Jonze, who also helmed the videos for "Undone (The Sweater Song)" and "Buddy Holly."

All roads lead to promo.

I know I've been slacking recently in the promo department, but that's because I'm almost finished plugging all the key elements of my special event post in the works. Today, I'd like you to meet Andy Dick – comedian, musician, addict.

Nowadays, Andy Dick can be found churning out searing indictments of popular culture on MTV's The Andy Dick Show, a sketch comedy smorgasbord that he also writes and directs. However, Dick's geeky comedic genius traces all the way back to 1992, when he got a job as a cast member of The Ben Stiller Show on Fox. Stiller would later bring Andy along for the ride, casting him in nearly every project of his: Reality Bites, The Cable Guy, even a "Backstreet Boyz" sketch on the Stiller-hosted 1998 MTV Video Music Awards. It was by himself in 1995 though that Andy Dick arose to cultural relevance, when after a short stint on the "new" Get Smart, News Radio premiered on NBC, and Dick's role as bumbling WNYX employee Matthew Brock would give him a name as well as a job for the next five years, during which time he would play with drugs, alcohol, and his band the Bitches of the Century, best known for their song "Little Brown Ring." Upon the cancellation of News Radio, Dick pursued other projects, namely, small roles in bad movies like Loser and Dude, Where My Car?, but subsequently rebounded with his current MTV show that has America in stitches, at least the part of America that gets cable television and watches MTV. It just goes to show – good things can happen to the 1984 Homecoming King of Joliet West High School. Andy Dick has two first names and is the seventh key element of my special event post in the works.

Only one key element left. Who will it be?

go • censored cartoons page
go • japanese engrish
go • jesus christ superstore
go • things i love about japan
go • virtual cow tipping

Y'all don't know what it's like being male, middle-class, and Asian white.

Hello. My name is Jonathan Yu. I am Asian, but please don't call me that. I don't chain smoke, listen to bad rap music, wear ghetto clothing, or drive a low-ride Honda Civic. I have no Asian pride.

Jose once said that I was a "white wannabe."

Now, I'd like to think that I transcend race, that I am my own man, a man beyond all that labeling bullshit, coming original into the 21st century. But no. I am just a "white wannabe."

Funny, I don't pretend to be white, and the one time I do hit the town So Cal white guy style (t-shirt, shorts, sandals), I get carded. See, I'm terrible as a white guy. Why would I ever wanna be a white guy if I'm not good at it?

Yes, I got carded when I went to see American Pie 2, despite the fact that I was surrounded by a bunch of horny 13-year-old boys…all white…and WITHOUT PARENTAL SUPERVISION.

Before the movie, I saw my first red trailer. If you don't know already, most movie trailers have a green introduction screen. This particular trailer had a red one. Why? Because it featured the word "shit," a topless girl, and a lesbian make-out scene between an old lady and a twenty-something female in its attempt to sell a Scary Movie-ish parody of teen movies directed by the longtime producer of the MTV Movie Awards. Naturally, the red trailer played to a huge pop from the audience.

Am I the only person getting tired of seeing the Lord Of The Fellowship Of The Ring trailer? Enough!

In American Pie 2, the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor looks strangely like UCLA, kinda like how in Legally Blonde, Harvard University looks strangely like UCLA. Ha, ha. UCLA wannabes…

I enjoyed American Pie 2's use of every single popular rock song from the past six months ("Fat Lip," "Flavor Of The Weak," "Hashpipe," "Hit Or Miss," "Smooth Criminal," "Want You Bad") as well as the not-so-subtle placement of Pepsi products, including the red Mountain Dew. Good job, Universal!

I may have little or no sex drive, but I have to admit that I want on Alyson Hannigan like an electric chair in Texas. Boy, I'd like to fuck the band geek outta her, and in 4/4 time! That'll be one time at band camp that she'll never forget. Oh man… Dopey women are so fucking hot. Let me be your bitch, Alyson!

By the way, why isn't my Alyson decked out in a bikini on the cover of the new Rolling Stone along with the other three girls of American Pie 2? It's a publishing travesty. I mean, who wants to see Mena Suvari and that mangled-ass face of hers in a bikini? Give me Alyson or give me another magazine to jack off to!

The new Rolling Stone is a special issue featuring the Hot List, as opposed to Rolling Stone's Cool List and Entertainment Weekly's It List. Just how much heat-seeking crap is out there for the media to profile? Last last year's "It Guy" Hayden Christensen is this year's "Hot Actor." Go figure.

Actually, the 2001 Hot List is very well-compiled, showcasing, among other things, "Hot Video Director" Marc Klasfeld (my current favorite), "Hot Dynamic Duo" Tenacious D, and "Hot Band" Jimmy Eat World.

I love Jimmy Eat World. I guess you could say that I'm a JEW slut too. In fact, I'm going to their sold-out show at the El Rey on Monday. Whoo!

Also on the Hot List are hookahs, the "Hot Pipes." Says Rolling Stone, "Clusters of hookah smokers can now be seen at sidewalk cafes in Westwood, California." Yes. Clusters of rowdy Muslim guys can indeed be seen at sidewalk cafes in Westwood blowing flavored tobacco smoke in my face as I stand in line to buy cookies.

The best quote on the Hot List comes from "Hot Nerd" Seth Green: "Not to boo-hoo for me, but there was no fitting in when I was a kid. My name was Seth. Plus, I was really obnoxious." Haha.

Finally, sources tell that Weezer will kick off a long-awaited North American headlining tour September 6 with fellow Interscope labelmates (and Fred Durst pet project) Cold supporting through September 29. Look, I understand that this is a golden opportunity for Interscope to expose a lesser-known band, but…Cold? Bad move. Geek rock and hard rock don't mix. I tell you, Cold will be booed off stage at every show. Fuck Cold! All hail JEW!

Spoken like a true "white wannabe."

Emo Stoichiometry

It's official. As of August 11, 2001, the URL of my website will be I wanted a new URL and was already taken. Please make note of the change. I will not be re-directing people from Until further notice, this website will be accessible from now on through either or And no, I'm not crazy. Rory Brown is lucky he cut off all forms of communication with me a long time ago or I would've registered too. Hmmm…

Some asshole in my residence hall triggered the fire alarm at 5:00 AM yesterday. I can't begin to tell you how much fun I had waiting outside in the cold barefoot and half-asleep while all the visiting Japanese students took photographs and the French ones smoked. French people always seem to be smoking.

I'm not against smoking or anything, but you'd think the tobacco industry would have enough sense to look out for all us non-smokers and manufacture scented cigarettes. I mean, wouldn't you rather breathe in the fumes of "Ocean Breeze" Marlboros than just plain ol' tar and formaldehyde?

My new roommate is named Chet. I'd never met a guy named Chet before until this Chet moved in. Who names their kid Chet? When I first heard that my new roommate was named Chet, I immediately associated his name with a Beat generation bohemian Greenwich Village idiot. I mean, that's what you typically think of when you hear the name Chet. Boy, I was wrong. Chet the roommate is from San Diego and (gasp!) he's a white short-haired clean-cut Abercrombie and Fitch surfer dude. Every guy from San Diego fits that profile. Oh, it's true. It's damn true.

Chet is a cool dude though. He likes wrestling. Whoo! He's also a CS major, so there'll be no Jeff Spicoli antics here. Oh well. I'm looking at his side of the room as I type this and I see that he just bought a six-pack of not Budweiser, but Diet Cherry Coke. I didn't know they made Diet Cherry Coke and that there was actually a market for it. I think Chet probably accounts for half the sales of Diet Cherry Coke.

Ahhh…Coke. I haven't had that shit in a long time. You see, UCLA is sponsored by Pepsi. Every beverage available on campus is a Pepsi product. Pepsi Pepsi Pepsi. Everything Pepsi. To all you prospective college students out there, be sure to take school sponsors into consideration when selecting a college, otherwise you might be stuck drinking Pepsi products for a while. Although, I do have to admit to really liking the new cherry Mountain Dew. Watch as my sperm count plummets.

I bet you all the people who bought XFL merchandise are feeling really stupid right about now.

The UCLA Bruin football team was ranked at No. 15 in the preseason ESPN / USA Today Top 25 coaches poll, despite finishing last season unranked with a 6-6 record and a bowl game loss and then losing Freddie Mitchell to the NFL in the interim. Number 15! We're ranked higher than a bunch of 8-4 teams (cough, Northwestern, cough). Suckers.

Wait, did I just make a semi-coherent statement about sports? Wow. Good for me. I don't know anything about sports. Seth put it best when he told me: "Jon, you don't know anything about sports." Thank you, Freedland.

Don't get me wrong. I like watching sports. I just don't appreciate sports as much as most people. I can't bring myself to follow a sports team through an entire season. Usually, I'll catch a few regular games and most of the biggies, but that's the extent of my involvement. Most sports are simply too long and boring to hold my attention. Take tennis, for example. Who wants to see the same guys play each other at every tournament? It's always Sampras vs. Agassi or Seles vs. Williams. At least in wrestling when re-matches are staged, they'll have different cool gimmicks each time. What's the coolest gimmick the golf world can think up? Hey, let's have an intergender doubles match and call it "the Battle of Bighorn." [sigh] The only sports I really get into are swimming, wrestling, and college basketball, because the matches are relatively short and fast-paced.

Unlike baseball.

There is no sport I hate more than baseball. Could it possibly get any less exciting? One or two "plays of the day" sandwiched between countless hours of back-and-forth easy outs and walks is not my idea of a good time. Unfortunately, for the rest of America, it is. I don't get it. Where's the action? I wanna see Barry Bonds hit some home runs and break that stupid record, but how is he ever gonna break that record if nobody will pitch to him? Baseball isn't fun anymore. The time has passed for this pasttime.

Fear not, however. I've decided to challenge Bud Selig for the MLB commissionership because I'm certain that I can make the game of baseball more exciting in four easy steps:

1 • I know that baseball players each have their own theme songs that blast on the speakers when they go to bat. Why not add video packages and pyrotechnics to the mix in order to rile up the crowd WWF style? Imagine the pop Ichiro Suzuki will get when he walks to home plate amidst a sea of organized fire while highlights of his career play on the jumbotron and the Vapors' "Turning Japanese" aurally permeates the stadium.

2 • All balls that touch the bat are fair game. Foul balls suck. I will have none of that nonsense.

3 • If a game goes into overtime, rain machines will be brought out and the game will continue in a simulated rain environment. Why? Because after nine time-consuming innings, you need something to keep the audience pumped, especially since overtime in baseball can go on forever. If anything, the audience needs to be even more pumped about overtime than they were about the actual game. Hence…rain. What can I say? It worked at Woodstock.

4 • Before each game, one player of the home team will be secretly selected by the opposing team's general manager to be a mole whose sole job is to sabotage the game for his teammates without getting caught. The first person in the crowd to identify the mole wins a Honda Civic and the privilege of having instigated a wildly entertaining fight on the field.

Under my four-point plan, baseball will never be the same again. I guarantee it.

In about six months, Sum 41 will be playing state fairs as:
(out of 25 votes)
Sum 41 Goes to Hollywood • 1 vote • 4%
Right, Said Sum 41 • 2 votes • 8%
Sum 41 Politti • 1 vote • 4%
Sum 41 and the Beaver Brown Band • 8 votes • 36%
Sum 4182 • 12 votes • 48%
Note to self: don't use 80s references in 2001.

Shakespeare in Denial

I HATE the Museum of Tolerance! Mwahaha.

The National Cheerleaders Association is here at UCLA and if I had any semblance of a sex drive at all, I would probably care. No hard-on for me. Oh, and some of these cheerleaders today are fat fucks. Definitely no hard-on for me. In fact, no hard-on for me…ever.

There have been several books and magazine articles published in the past few years talking about how boys are the weaker sex. I think it's all a load of bullshit, bullshit perpetuated by the media whenever there's a slow news period. I mean, if we're so concerned that boys are the weaker sex, why don't girls in America just go back to being submissive talking vaginas and let male-dominated society make a comeback? If anything, the media should be reporting the benefits of female rights regression. Viva machismo! Whoo!

15-year-old opera sensation Charlotte Church recently released an autobiography entitled Illogical and Unnecessary Waste of Natural Resources.

Can somebody please explain Jews for Jesus to me? It doesn't make any sense. Jews for Jesus? How does the work? It's totally contradictory, like Women for Jonathan Yu.

Super links:
go • bring back the classic cut
go • center for shopping cart abuse prevention
go •
go • dress'm up dubya
go • extreme elvis
go • freck's new feet
go • ninja burger
go • scent of a marker
go • t.w.i.n.k.i.e.s. project
go • wizard's gay slang dictionary

Yellow Fever

Whenever I update this website, nobody comes. Whenever I don't update this website, a bunch of people come. Go figure. I should just not update this website for a year and watch it become the next Google.

What's up with Jackie Chan's hair? It's creepy.

I saw Rush Hour 2. It was entertaining and all, but so much of its humor relied on stereotypes. You know what I learned from watching Rush Hour 2? That Asians are short, unintelligible, bad at driving, good at martial arts, and have small dicks and an appetite for dogs. For God's sake, the movie must have had AT LEAST five jokes about how Asians are short. Whoo! Jackie Chan really sold himself out this time. So sorry.

Under New Anger Management

I hate it when your mind goes blank during a test.

You know what else I hate? Male cheerleaders.

So I bombed my Bio 30 final yesterday. It didn't help that I missed a week of class in a six-week session to go see Weezer on the east coast. Before you start saying that I screwed myself over, let me make my case. I raped the teacher's official $30 study guide (printed on red paper!) for all it was worth and I still blanked. Fuckin' A. What kind of official study guide leaves out important course material?

It was horrible.

Dr. __________ was the first to use gene therapy to fight cancer.

What was my answer?

Dr. Nick was the first to use gene therapy to fight cancer.


Goddammit. I hate school.

Fuck school.

That's right. Fuck it. Fuck it all. I often wonder whether any of this education bullshit will even matter when I'm old. The moment before I get shot by some angry Palestinians, will I still care about the Bio 30 final I bombed years ago? Probably not. In the long run, grades aren't important. That "D" I got in fourth grade PE won't mean jack shit when I'm 40, at least I hope not. But in the short run, grades are everything, and it fuckin' pisses me off. It's all about the grades. You fail your Bio 30 class, you fuck up your GPA. You fuck up your GPA, you don't get into grad school. You don't go to grad school, you can't get a good job. You can't get a good job, well… That's how it goes in contemporary America, right? RIGHT?

Fuck math and science. I was never good at that shit anyway. When am I ever gonna use calculus again in my life? Addition, maybe, but derivatives and integrals? C'mon. Fuck colleges and universities for their general education requirements. Fuck their fascist imposition of a "liberal arts" education. I told you I hate science. I don't want to study biology. I already did that in high school for two years to pad my transcript. I want to make movies. I want to entertain people. It's a simple twist of fate that my acceptance into film school is now in jeopardy because of some fuckin' "liberal arts" classes.

It bewilders me how everybody seems to think I'm smart. Is it the glasses? Or how about the generic Gap clothes? Understand that I never got a 5 on any of my AP tests and my best combined SAT I score was a 1410. I'm no smarter than the kids in high school who were voted "most likely to succeed at pumping gas," and I'm not just saying that to make you pity me. We all know that nobody ever feels sorry for an egomaniac like me. [sigh] You know, now that I think about it, fuck you all. Fuck each and every one of you inconsiderate assholes. Big up to Henry and Nick, but fuck everybody else.

Fuck grad school too. Life's too short to spend it wasting away in grad school. And what do we get to look forward to after grad school? Cubicles, or if you're lucky, unemployment with all the benefits – cover sheets, interviews, and resumés. Whoo!

There's got to be something more than this, something more than what we've come to know as "higher education." I'm tired of school. Call it a pre-life crisis. Call it a Mariah Carey breakdown. Whatever. I just feel like I'm half-assing my life away. Fuck blue books. Fuck last-minute papers. Oh, and fuck textbook buyback. Why is it that they never want to buy any of my textbooks back? Ah, fuck UCLA. I gotta get away. Quoth Kerouac: "I wish I was free / of that slaving meat wheel / and safe in heaven dead."

Correction: fuck UCLA as a representation of school, not UCLA as a school. I'm sick and tired of people talkin' shit about the venerable educational institution that I currently attend.

"I applied to a bunch of colleges…but not UCLA. It's in Los Angeles. Who wants to go there?"

Now, I'm not gonna sit here and defend Los Angeles, or UCLA for that matter, because they both have their faults. I'll be damned, however, if I'm gonna put up any longer with hearing lame-Os badmouth and/or avoid coming to my school. Why don't you shit-talkin' hippie-lovin' vegan CalPIRG dickheads take your ignorant generalizations and shove them up your Nader-fucked assholes? Go proselytize to somebody who gives a fuck. UCLA may be located in "evil" Los Angeles and it may be a jock school, but at least it's not Berkeley or Santa Cruz. High rents and banana slugs – yeah, that's something to be proud of.

I'll post my grades for summer school session A when they come around. In the meantime…

Apocalypse Now Redux hits theaters today in limited release. If you are over the age of 12 and have not seen the original movie or read Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness (the book that inspired the movie), I suggest you do so immediately.

I have two quick promos for today – Dennis Hopper and Bea Arthur. One's a bad boy, the other's a golden girl. 'Nuf said. You know 'em. You love 'em. Dennis Hopper and Bea Arthur are the fifth and sixth key elements of a special event post in the works. Let's recap:

Key elements of a special event post in the works
1 • WankerCounty
2 • Laetitia Casta
3 • The Rock
4 • Hoe Hater
5 • Dennis Hopper
6 • Bea Arthur

Okay, I go mope now. Dr. Nick…what the fuck was I thinking?

What should the next Planet movie be?
(out of 50 votes)
Planet of the Bad Tim Burton Movies • 0 votes • 0%
Planet of Bill Gates • 1 vote • 2%
Planet of the Killer Tomatoes • 9 votes • 18%
Planet of the Jews • 40 votes • 80%
This land was made for Jew and me.

MTV Killed the Video Star

MTV turns 20 years old today. 20 fuckin' years. The platinum kahuna. Wow. To think, just 20 years ago, MTV was revolutionary. 20 years later, MTV is…MTV. Let's not hold that against them though, at least for today.

Now, I could bitch about how MTV doesn't play music videos anymore or how Carson Daly sucks ass, but it's all been done before, and as much as I bash the cable behemoth, I'll admit to liking MTV for what it is – a place you can visit at any given time for disposable entertainment.

Remember Remote Control? How 'bout Singled Out? I can name plenty of MTV shows that aired with no pretense of being anything more than fun to watch: The [original] Ben Stiller Show, The [original] Jon Stewart Show, Oddville MTV, The Ren and Stimpy Show, Sifl and Olly, The State, and most recently, Jackass and The Andy Dick Show.

Still, MTV does stand for "music television," and the music part of the channel has, in fact, decreased substantially since 1981. There's always MTV2, but who wants to go out of their way to find MTV2 when MTV1 is already required programming on every cable service in the world?

Maybe MTV is simply looking out for the future of America by refusing to play all the bad music videos out there. Then again, one look at the nominees for the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards would say otherwise. "Lady Marmalade" for Best Video? Dude… Who nominates these things? Toddlers?

Leave it to culture king Jonathan Yu to give credit where credit is due. The following is what I believe to be the ten best music videos of the past MTV-award-qualifying year (July 2000 – July 2001):

Alien Ant Farm • "Smooth Criminal"
Barenaked Ladies • "Pinch Me"
Britney Spears • "Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know"
De La Soul featuring Redman • "Oooh"
Fatboy Slim • "Weapon Of Choice"
Gorillaz • "Clint Eastwood"
Jurassic 5 • "Quality Control"
Rage Against The Machine • "Testify"
R.E.M. • "Imitation Of Life"
Robbie Williams • "Rock DJ"
Take that, MTV! Oh, and happy birthday.

The return of links:
go • cia's homepage for kids
go • first human cloning company
go • jesus christ on a pogo stick
go • miraculous lava lamp
go • phallic symbol collection
go • who would you kill?