Naked and Famous

The other day, I watched a new show on MTV called Becoming, where they let ordinary people just like yourself (yeah, right) "become" their favorite musical artists. I can't believe there are people out there who actually want to pretend to be their favorite musical artists. It's a pathetic sight. Really. The episode I caught had a sorority girl (why am I not surprised?) who wanted to "become" Britney Spears and recreate the music video for "Baby One More Time." Hold up. If given the opportunity, you don't choose to become Britney Spears. You choose to come in Britney Spears. Everybody knows that.

Watching this show, I couldn't help but wonder where MTV finds these idiots. Then, I remembered that MTV.com has a casting call section for MTV shows, so I checked it out. Ever wondered how you can be on MTV? Here's how:

True Life, the award-winning MTV documentary series that brought you such educational fare as "I am a hooker" and "I am a porn star" is casting for their new episode "I want plastic surgery." Are you tired of the way your body looks and plan on getting plastic surgery? MTV would like to follow you and your transformation. MTV is looking for young adults between the ages of 18-28 who are planning on having plastic surgery (of any kind) within the next 6 months.

Are you a beauty queen? True Life is also producing a documentary on beauty queens. MTV is looking for girls ages 12 and up to participate. MTV would like to follow you as you prepare for and compete in an upcoming pageant.

Do you like to watch adult webcams? MTV is currently producing a documentary about adult webcams and the people that watch them. If you like to watch adult webcams, MTV wants to hear from you as soon as possible.

Do you take Viagra? Have you ever been slipped Rufies, or been the one doing the slipping? Does cocaine make sex better for you? Do you prefer to drink before sex, or just to find a sexual partner? Do sex and drugs – prescription, herbal, or illegal – go hand in hand for you? MTV is currently producing a documentary about the role drugs play in your sex life. Whether drugs enhance your sex life or ruined it, MTV wants to hear from you.

Are you a kleptomaniac or a pyromaniac? Do you spend too much time gambling? Too much time thinking about sex? Too much time online? Can you not stop cheating on your partner? Or indulging in pornography? Or checking your stock portfolio on the internet? MTV News wants your story no matter what your VICE! They are still seeking kleptomaniacs and people who can't stop cheating on their partner.

Are you superficial? Do you want the whole world to know what a fucking retard you are? If so, YOU should be on MTV!

What the hell happened to the music?

I mean, even when MTV airs videos, the music can really suck ass. Take, Mariah Carey's new video "Loverboy," for example. It's not music. It's a recording of Mariah breathing heavily synchronized with images of Mariah trying to out-jailbait younger pop acts. I've been on an anti-Mariah Carey crusade for the past week or so after having seen the horrible "Loverboy" video and the horrible preview for Mariah's horrible feature film debut Glitter (in which she plays a diva!). Dude, she oozes pretentious slut.

And what's up with this new J. Lo video "I'm Real," where she buys ice cream for a bunch of little girls in a country town and eats it with them on a sidewalk bench? Please. The only thing real about J. Lo is her enormous ego. Aki is more real that J. Lo.

I was in the drugstore and I happened to "stumble" upon the condom aisle. I was like a child in a candy store. Seeing all those condoms got me thinking: why don't condom manufacturers help out us sexually-frustrated folk and make flavored, ribbed, or studded…latex gloves? It's the same material, just a different mold. Plus, you can market them to both sexes. I think I may have "stumbled" onto a cash cow. Trojan magnum gloves. I like the sound of that.

Links:
go • barbie porn
go • a body study
go • h.i.v.
go • jesus dress up!
go • a woman's guide on how to pee standing

It doesn't, actually, get any worse than Mariah Carey.
(out of 11 votes)
true • 1 vote • 9%
Celine Dion • 10 votes • 91%
Okay, the idea here was to make fun of Mariah Carey. Let's try this again.

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