A California Yuppie in King Charles' Court

Never travel with other people if you really want to see the world.

Last Tuesday night, I flew to Las Vegas and then caught a red-eye to Philadelphia. I was beyond tired, having slept for only two of the past 24 hours because of a stupid English paper I had to write. My eyes burned and looked as if somebody had injected 50 CCs of blood into them. I arrived on the east coast the following morning on three-and-a-half hours of airplane sleep to the nerve-racking realization that I actually had to be up and about at 4:00 AM (Pacific time). What a way to start your summer vacation.

The first thing you notice about Philadelphia is the smell. The city has a distinct smell, like Chinatown, any Chinatown. Think pungent fish.

Philadelphia has a sorry ass Chinatown, and no, I'm not talking about the Wharton School of Business at U Penn. You just don't see very many Asian people in Philadelphia. At least, I didn't. You know what you do see a lot of though? Bricks. I have never seen so many bricks in my life. Philadelphia is bricks, a bunch of bricks. And statues. Bricks and statues.

The Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority (SEPTA) owns a monopoly in public transportation, giving them free reign to charge $2 for a bus ride. TWO FUCKING DOLLARS FOR A ONE-WAY TRIP!

The Philadelphia equivalent of 7-Eleven is Wawa. That's right – Wawa. There is a chain of convenience stores with the name "Wawa." Apparently, Zoboomafoo and Kajagoogoo were already taken.

On Wednesday, I rode a ferry from Penn's Landing across the Delaware River to the Tweeter Center At The Waterfront in Camden, New Jersey for the Y100 FEZtival and once there, I was literally surrounded by white people. I guess all the white people in Philadelphia and Camden decided to come out for the day and revel in their whiteness. Moreover, the weather was so unbelievably hot and humid. It was like attending a concert…IN HELL! Luckily, I had a seat seat and got to sit under the pavilion, protected from the sun.

It must suck to be a goth during the summer.

Now, Y100 plays hard rock, but their radio shows have a reputation of being pleasantly anti-aggro, devoid of all that Disturbed/Crazy Town bullshit. While it did feature some blah rock acts like Vertical Horizon and Lifehouse, the 5th annual FEZtival, a converted Barenaked Ladies US tour date, delivered to a sold out crowd of 25,000. I was kinda disappointed though that nobody smoked any pot. What is a concert without pot? Painful to watch, if Aaron Carter's on stage.

Quick notes on the FEZtival: Richard Cheese opened the main stage. The novelty of doing lounge covers of rock songs grows old quickly. Good Charlotte, a band that hooked me as early as last May, was the third largest draw of the day, despite going on at 2:30 PM. My only beef with the band is their incessant need for audience participation. Look, if the audience likes your band, they will sing along and jump around automatically. Our Lady Peace is a fucking rock band. Their songs fucking rock and they're fucking Canadian too. They played fucking Canadian wrestler Chris fucking Benoit's new entrance music which (you guessed it) fucking rocked. Mike D is on a roll signing artists to his Grand Royal label. First, At The Drive-In, and now, Scapegoat Wax (aka Marty James). Chico-born James was very good on the second stage and boy, this guy has vocal range. Vertical Horizon sucks. Tenacious D, on the other hand, is the greatest band on earth. Period. Jack Black and Kyle Gass blew it up on stage with a mere two acoustic guitars. It was some seriously funny shit. Steve and Ed, the two lead singers of Barenaked Ladies, came out to witness the Tenacious D set and sat in the amphitheatre control booth, right next to my seat. Whoo! I fell asleep during G. Love and Special Sauce. No comment there. Lifehouse was blah as usual. Then, Weezer walked on stage to the biggest pop of the night and for 45 minutes, the Tweeter Center became the Weezer Center as Rivers and company played a blistering set of new material and old hits. I was surprised that not everybody in the audience recognized each and every Weezer song. They should be ashamed of themselves. BNL closed the show. It was standard BNL fare with two encores. Good, but my heart left with Weezer.

Weezer Y100 FEZtival set list

I have to give credit to most northeastern folk for actually wearing their pants at waist level. We here on the west coast have yet to pick up on this controversial fashion trend.

I was walking down South Street in Philadelphia (the equivalent of Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley or just about any neo-Bohemian hangout in America) and I saw a Gap. Why is it that Gap always seems to infiltrate these clearly un-Gap areas? It was awkward seeing a Gap located on the same street as tattoo and piercing parlors and a store called "Condom Kingdom."

King Of Prussia – what a stupid name for a city.

Alas, my quest to find Will Smith led me to New York City on Friday by way of a train ride through New Jersey (or what Jose refers to as "the great suburban void"). I saw an ad on the train that read:

Ordinary men
called to do extraordinary work
Is God calling you to be a priest?
Philadelphia Priest Call

You know, the world can never use enough priests. What's even funnier is that the latter text was accompanied by a photo of five priests, each of a different ethnicity. Not only is priesthood "extraordinary," it's also, evidently, in favor of affirmative action.

A store in Rockefeller Center had on sale English and French versions of a videotape entitled The Mad Adventures Of Rabbi Jacob. He's mad, I tell you. MAD!

A Greenwich Village store had on sale t-shirts with "New York," a drawing of a gun, and "It ain't Kansas" printed on them. How uncouth.

Some people had plastic bags with "Duane Reade: New York's #1 Drug Store" printed on them. I thought Wow, this Duane guy sure is one cocky dealer. It turns out that Duane Reade is another case of Wawa.

Times Square is not that impressive in person. It's the same Times Square you see on television…supersized. I was tempted to stand outside the MTV studios during TRL to see Carson Daly and Mandy Moore, but then it dawned on me that I HATE THEM. It's bizarre how every day at 3:30 PM, Times Square magically becomes screaming jailbait land. It totally throws off foreign tourists who don't know what the fuck's going on. "Is das MTV?" The situation has escalated to the point where the police just leave barricades on the sidewalk in front of the MTV studios specifically for use during TRL tapings. TRL duty has to be the best position in the NYPD. Woo who.

One poster in the TRL crowd read "A.J., rehab is for quitters."

The Naked Cowboy, as seen on the Howard Stern show, was playing guitar in the middle of Times Square…naked. Dude, the best panhandlers are in Manhattan. My favorites are these guys who dress up as statues and stand completely still for money. Now that's genius right there.

At Planet Hollywood, I saw a Death Star model and a Darth Vader costume from the Star Wars movies. How many Darth Vader costumes did Lucas make? I saw a Darth Vader costume at Planet Hollywood Las Vegas too and a Darth Vader helmet at the Washington D.C. branch. I think ubiquity cheapens the value of memorabilia. You know what you see at every Planet Hollywood? Prop gold bricks from Die Hard With A Vengeance. I feel so special after having seen these gold bricks at ten different Planet Hollywoods. Woo who.

Friday night, Jose and I went to see Cabaret at Studio 54 starring…Brooke Shields. We had to leave during intermission in order to catch the last train back to Philadelphia, but we probably would have left anyway. Brooke Shields acting is bad. Brooke Shields singing is even worse. Brooke Shields in lace rubbing her crotch is irreversibly traumatic. Tall women scare me.

Saturday morning, I had to go, go, back, back, to Cali, Cali. Unfortunately, it was a connecting flight again, this time with a stop in Phoenix. I think I've visited more airports in my lifetime than actual cities. In the Phoenix airport, I was on a moving walkway and the loudspeakers kept blaring "Caution! Moving walkway is ending. Caution! Moving walkway is ending." On top of that, there were signs that read "Caution! Walkway ends: 30 feet." I swear to God, the Phoenix airport is an insult to my intelligence. Oh and by the way, there's a reason why they call them "moving walkways" and not "stand-there-like-a-fucking-retard-and-block-traffic ways."

I guess you can't expect much from Arizonians. After all, Arizona is just a failed version of California. All the losers who can't take the pressure of California flee to the pathetic sanctity of this desert wannabe state. It's an egregious society they run out there in Arizona, a culture of old people, Barry Goldwater, and college basketball teams that go to shit when most of their smug players decide to turn pro after ONE successful season. Fuck Arizona! The government should've moved nuclear bomb testing one state to the left.

This concludes my summer vacation.

If there's anything I learned on my trip, it's that tourist attractions don't do it for me anymore. I seem to be more attracted to shitholes. I mean, my one chance to get out and really see the world was college and where did I choose to go? Los Angeles – a location that if ever inundated by water, would yield more flotation devices than you'd think.

Next summer, I want to go on a road trip, a comprehensive tour of American shitholes. I want to hit up all the fine shitholes in our fine fine country. I'm talking about places like Flint, Michigan, the New Jersey Turnpike, Northwestern University, and Congress. Get ready America, because this Asian driver means business (for insurance agencies).

So what happened while I was away?

Mariah Carey was hospitalized for "extreme exhaustion." What can possibly be that exhausting about being Mariah Carey? I hate how pop stars always complain about fatigue and shit like that. The only people who have a right to complain about "extreme exhaustion" are Asian geeks who have lame websites.

Nathaniel Brazill was "sorry" for killing his teacher. That's terrific. Did you hear that everybody? Nathaniel says he's "sorry." Screw the jail sentence! Let's go ahead and forgive him.

Jason Black and Frances Schroeder don't know what they will name the baby boy they're expecting. The couple is looking for a corporate sponsor to pay half a million dollars for their son's name. Yes, they need the money to pay for therapy once this kid grows up and realizes his name is "Playtex."

I'm feelin' promosexual…

The Rock, Laetitia Casta, WankerCounty, and now, Hoe Hater.

Hoe Hater is a simple website run my Matt (aka Math Yew) and Joe (aka J-Lo), two guys from Oregon who, while not too productive on the writing side, produce some of the silliest downloadable short movies that never fail to amuse me. And when the two actually write something, it's usually amusing as well. Hoe Hater is older and more immature than most weird kiddie websites (Wanker County, anybody?), but it's just weird and kiddie enough to be the fourth key element of a special event post in the works. Did I mention that today's promo is for Hoe Hater?

Well, I have finals this week, and then I'll be FREE…until next week when summer school session C begins. Damn. I hope to post on Wednesday to celebrate MTV's 20th anniversary. If not, then in the words of Matt from Hoe Hater, fuck all y'all! I'm tired.

Who is the lamest boy band member ever?
(out of 208 votes)
A.J. McLean • 6 votes • 3%
Ashley Parker Angel • 6 votes • 3%
George Harrison • 0 votes • 0%
Joey Fatone • 1 vote • 0%
Jonathan Knight • 189 votes • 90%
Ricky Martin • 3 votes • 1%
Tito Jackson • 4 votes • 2%
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. The right stuff.

Public Displays of Affectation

God bless Andy Paul.

I bought tickets to the KROQ Inland Invasion in August where I shall see Weezer live for the third time this year. Now, all I need to do is figure out how I'm gonna get to the Inland Empire (Riverside, to be exact) and I'll be set.

On a sidenote, Weezer's music video for "Island In The Sun," in which the band plays at a Mexican wedding in East Los Angeles, debuts Tuesday on TRL.

In the news:

TORONTO – A teenager crashed into six cars and injured one person when she tried to park at the end of her driving test, Toronto police said on Thursday.

The driving instructor, who had been about to give the girl her driver's license, changed his mind after the accident, which happened on Wednesday in a suburb north of Toronto.

"They came back to the parking lot of the testing center and when they went to park the car, the car went out of control and it struck the vehicles and a pedestrian," said a police official.

After it hit the first four cars, the teen's vehicle spun around and hit two more vehicles.

A woman who was standing between two of the cars was taken to hospital with leg injuries.

An examiner who witnessed the crash said the teenager panicked while trying to park the car and hit the gas pedal instead of the brake.

The teen was hospitalized for minor leg injuries.

The driving instructor was treated for shock.

"He's back working today," the police spokesman said.

[insert your own joke here]

I finally made an amazon.com wishlist. Just so you know, my website celebrates its first anniversary on September 10 and my 19th birthday is October 6, so feel free to buy me gifts (nudge nudge wink wink) and support capitalism in the process of doing so.

In case you forgot, Asshole Day is coming and we need names of assholes. I know at least 10 people read this website and I refuse to believe that not one of them knows any assholes. Gimme some assholes, dammit!

All right, let's wrap this up. I have a paper to write, The Merchant Of Venice to read sparknote, and luggage to pack. Whoo! No sleep in Westwood = no promo, but go ahead and visit The Rock, Laetitia Casta, and Wanker County again. You know you want to.

Reptile Dysfunction

If I can be serious for a minute, I have a new favorite wrestler: Lance Storm. Canadians rule.

The US leg of Madonna's Drowned world tour kicks off Saturday in Philadelphia, and guess who gets to meet her today at rehearsal for the show? Jose the journalist.

Every year, I get off on predicting who will perform live at the MTV Video Music Awards. I know it's lame, but I'm actually really good at it. Here are my predictions of who will probably perform live at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards:

Alicia Keys
Alien Ant Farm
Destiny's Child
Michael Jackson
Sum 41

People who wear clothing with any sort of marijuana reference on it are stupid asses. Smoking marijuana is one thing. Going around in public advertising that you're a pothead is another. Michael Jackson doesn't wear clothing with pictures of little boys on it, does he?

The UCLA housing office is about to launch a service called "My Housing," where you can pay for housing online, and to commemorate the next evolution in housing payments, the higher-ups decided to order a bunch of slinkies, slinkies with the words "My Housing" and a URL printed on them. What a stupid fucking idea.

Every slinky I've ever had lasted no more than a week. It's like toy makers design slinkies to warp after several uses. Ah, who the fuck cares? Slinkies are stupid fucking toys anyway. Kinda like female UCLA students.

Creed's album Human Clay was just certified "diamond," having sold 10 million copies in America. I guess 10 million people CAN be wrong.

I finally got another Wrestlepalooza smack (like anybody cares)! It's from Henry Freedland and it's on the tag team championship TLC match:

"I…must…let…out…all…of…my…pent…up…aggression. I mean, come on. Follow in SETH'S fuckin' footsteps for your whole life and then see how sane you are. I swear, I will kill every motherfuckin' one of you who has ever called me "Seth's Little Brother." You'll be beggin' the Freedland Bros. for mercy, yes you will; Seth has honed his cheap-ass wrestling moves on me for years and I know how to use 'em even better, you cocksuckers. My shorter (if older) brother and I will beat you senseless the Hebrew Way. We will rip off your heads and shit down your necks! I swear to…uh…Adam Riff™ (close enough, right?) that I WILL get revenge on all of you chode-eaters who dared to CALL ME SETH. WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA…WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA…WHA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

Brotherly love.

I'm going to see onelinedrawing at the El Rey tonight. I've heard good things about the band and I hope they deliver. Tomorrow, I have to volunteer six hours at the American Cancer Society for my "biology of cancer" class (it's a requirement), and then I'll review America's Sweethearts. Sunday, I have to write a six-page paper comparing Conrad's Heart Of Darkness and Baldwin's "Sonny's Blues." The paper is due Wednesday but I have to turn it in on Tuesday because Tuesday night, I have to catch a red-eye flight (with a stop-over in Las Vegas) to Philadelphia where Wednesday, I will attend the Y100 Feztival and see Weezer for the second time this year. Thursday, Jose and I will hit up New York City for two days, where we're scheduled to dine at WWF New York, watch Planet Of The Apes, and see some lame-O show called Rent, among other things. Finally, Saturday morning at 7 AM, I fly back to Los Angeles just in time for finals week. Whoo! Let's pray that Jonathan Yu's second outing to the east coast goes a little bit smoother this time. We all know what happened on the 8th grade trip to Washington D.C.

It's promo time! Today, we add WWF superstar The Rock to the list of key elements of a special event post in the works that already includes WankerCounty and Laetitia Casta. Can you smell what Jonathan Yu is cookin'?

He is a six-time World Wrestling Federation champion. He sings. He raps. He acts. His favorite drink is a jack and Diet Coke. He is…The Rock. The 6'5" 275-pounder from Miami, Florida, "indefinitely suspended" from the WWF after Wrestlemania X-Seven to film The Scorpion King (the prequel to The Mummy), shall return to the ring in August to layeth the smacketh down on loser jabronis everywhere. Now, I understand that some of you may not like The Rock, but it doesn't matter what you think! Go drink yourself a nice tall glass of shut up juice because I'll be damned if Dwayne Johnson is not the most electrifying man in sports entertainment, or entertainment in general. Welcome to The Rock.

Which is the most unnecessary movie trilogy?
(out of 19 votes)
Crocodile Dundee • 1 vote • 5%
The Crow • 1 vote • 5%
Free Willy • 8 votes • 42%
Home Alone • 3 votes • 16%
House Party • 0 votes • 0%
Major League • 0 votes • 0%
Neverending Story • 0 votes • 0%
Pokémon • 3 votes • 16%
Problem Child • 2 votes • 11%
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles • 1 vote • 5%
Dammit! I forgot The Mighty Ducks!

Fuck Macromedia Dreamweaver (and Frontpage), y'all. 'Less y'all rep'sentin' fo' all th' hand-codin' pimps out there, fuck res' y'all.

It's amazing what you can find scrawled on toilet stalls in public restrooms. The following are actual toilet stall brain droppings that I collected over several shits in public:

continue with 2 words:
one day
I touched
a young
cow's cock
that's a cock & bull story!
why did
Batman throw
his life
into prostitution
no solution
then Robin
"boy friend"
he unzipped
yo mama's
left tit
grow up
and fuck her

Fuck cell phones.
No, it hurts.

Fuck UCLA. What a bunch of crap this school is. All UCLA is is a bunch of cell-phone-using uptight wannabe unoriginal posers trying to copy GAP & Abercrombie commercials. The only good thing about UCLA is that the bitches are easy to fuck. Besides good sluts, I'd take UCSD over this polluted shithole anyday. P.S. Don't tell all the good sluts that I dissed UCLA. As soon as I say I like this school, all of their titties get hard and they begin to rub my SAN DIEGO cock.

I am a girl wacking off in this men's room. I'm soo horny!

If you see any "boys," slap them. Only men shit here!

Men, don't ever get married. Don't even think about it!
Why not? I love fucking wives!

Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and stink.
Some come here to scratch their balls,
and write bullshit on the walls.

That's a booger! =)
(scrawled under a booger taped to the door)

Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.

Call (310) 443-8969 for a good time. Ask for D.B. Guys only!

I was about to call D.B. to see if he would give me a rimjob but I realized that I have lots more post to write. Oh well. Work comes before play.

Last week, I made fun of the MTV show Becoming, where a sorority girl pretended to be Britney Spears for a half-hour. Could it get any worse? Yes. This week's Becoming saw five boys pretend to be Limp Bizkit. You HAVE to see this episode.

How the fuck do blind people read braille? It's bewildering how they can just glean information simply by moving their finger over a bunch of raised dots. Whenever I try reading braille, all I glean is that my finger is touching a bunch of dots and I don't know what the fuck it means.

I love how they have braille on signs at movie theaters.

I'm a second-year college student and sadly, I still have to deal with acne. It's never total breakouts either, just one or two fat fuckin' zits. If anything, suffering from a few pimples is worse than a total breakout because it's more noticeable, and playing connect-the-dots sucks. Usually, you end up with a line, or a triangle if you're lucky.

I also sweat profusely. I'm talkin' all over the face and most of the body. I'll be totally dry at the foot of a staircase but you can bet your ass that once I finish climbing those stairs I'll be as damp as a Mexican toddler who just got off work. Now, you can imagine what I'm like in bed. Rahr!

I hate women who use shitloads of hairspray, so much that the chemicals form an unbreathable one-mile radius around them. Your natural hair must be pretty damn ugly if you have to douse it in hairspray. Whenever I smell one of these chicks, I'm tempted to run up to them and set their hair on fire.

When I was young, the greatest thing in the world was mixing sodas. My dad would take me to Burger King and I'd go to the beverage bar and put Coca Cola, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, and orange soda into the same cup and then proudly drink my sugary puce-colored concoction down. In retrospect, what was I thinking? That shit is nasty!

True story: my boss lives in Burbank and his neighbors were four twenty-something guys living in the same house. About a month ago, two of them – a gay couple – shot each other to death. And if that wasn't creepy enough, last week, the remaining two hung themselves. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood…

Whore Moan Imbalance

Any good wrestling promoter knows that the key to selling an event is promos, promos, and more promos. Thus, I'm gonna cut some promos over the next coupla posts in order to really sell a special event post I have in the works.

So now then.

I have no life. I spend most of my time at my computer allowing the life-sucking vortex that is the internet destroy my eyesight. At first, I couldn't get enough of these porn sites, but after a while, the novelty wore off. Sadly, there is a limit to what human beings can do involving sex. I then tried to get off on popular websites, but The Onion no longer amused me and I was simply too lazy to learn how to play Counter-Strike for it to amuse me at all. I was desperate for entertainment.

I would like to think it was fate that brought me last March to wankercounty.net, hands down my favorite website of all time…besides my own. Now, I understand that anything I say at this point can and will be construed as sucking up, and I'm not particularly known for being an ass kisser, but for the sake of promoting my special event post, I will, and proudly too.

What can I say about WankerCounty? I love the site. It's like a never-ending episode of Seinfeld, except that the cast consists of six (er, "five") high school age pasty white boys with old people's names and an affinity for rap music, fast food, and bad television. So young, yet so much more technically proficient than I am. Based in Michigan, the antics of the WankerCounty crew have, if nothing else, singlehandedly shot down my theory that nothing good has ever come outta the state of Michigan, a naive theory I proposed based solely on the popularity of ICP, Kid Rock, and Tim Allen. Yes, I was wrong. Strike one (for my ego)!

And then there's….

Best known as the Jew who looks Mexican, Jord is WankerCounty's resident troublemaker. This guy is too funny, and I'm not just saying that because I'm a Jew slut. How can you not resist the powers of a guy (and a Jew, no less!) who wore a t-shirt that said "Sony Sucks" when he went to see Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within? Somebody give this guy his own TV show. Jord and Adam Riff™ make life worth living.

I know, I need help. I'm obsessed with WankerCounty. It's one of the few sites I visit every day…seven or eight times…in an hour…for many hours on end…patiently waiting for a new post, and I'm seriously not kidding when I say that. Genius takes time, you know.

Dude, I've never kissed so much ass in my life.

Please hit up wankercounty.net for me. I think you'll enjoy it. If not, it's your prerogative not to like the site, but keep in mind that I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER! Oh, you know it. Besides, this is all building up to a special event post, and the WC boys will indeed be a key element of that post. You don't want to be left out now, do you?

Mariah Carey would do anything for:
(out of 8 votes)
her country • 0 votes • 0%
love • 1 vote • 13%
Skittles • 7 votes • 88%

Noise Addict

top 5 authorized remixes

Beastie Boys
"Body Movin'"
Fatboy Slim remix

Norman Cook did the impossible. He took a horrible original recording and transformed it into one of the best damn big beat party records in history. In fact, it's so good that the Beastie Boys actually used the remix instead of the original in the "Body Movin'" music video.

Puff Daddy featuring Lil' Kim, The Lox, and Notorious B.I.G.
"It's All About The Benjamins"
rock remix

Again, another case of a horrible original recording getting a killer makeover, this time with the help of Foo Fighters' Dave Grohl and Rob Zombie.

The Offspring
"The Kids Aren't Alright"
The Wiseguys remix

Imagine if the original fast tempo recording of "The Kids Aren't Alright" got stoned. What you would have then is the Wiseguys remix of the record – a slacker masterpiece.

Limp Bizkit
Everlast remix

Limp Bizkit warped George Michael's original pop recording of "Faith" into a testosterone-driven hard rock anthem. Everlast, in turn, warps Limp Bizkit's cover into funky old school shit, eschewing the deafening Fred Durst chorus for something mellower.

"Freak On A Leash"
Butch Vig remix

Best known as the producer of Nirvana's Nevermind and the drummer of Garbage, Vig's stab at musical remodeling is no less a success, dousing the original Korn recording in Blade Runner for a refreshingly weird end product.

Honorable Mention
Britney Spears
"(You Drive Me) Crazy"
Stop remix


I'm creatively spent right now, so I'm gonna make this short.

I hate people who take the elevator to the second floor of a building. Get off your fat American asses and use the stairs.

The sixth installment of Wrestlepalooza is up. Whoo!

And finally, links:
go • dustin diamond
go • furniture porn
go • japan is filled with useless people
go • lego porn
go • personalized action figures
go • prawnography
go • sex education props

Naked and Famous

The other day, I watched a new show on MTV called Becoming, where they let ordinary people just like yourself (yeah, right) "become" their favorite musical artists. I can't believe there are people out there who actually want to pretend to be their favorite musical artists. It's a pathetic sight. Really. The episode I caught had a sorority girl (why am I not surprised?) who wanted to "become" Britney Spears and recreate the music video for "Baby One More Time." Hold up. If given the opportunity, you don't choose to become Britney Spears. You choose to come in Britney Spears. Everybody knows that.

Watching this show, I couldn't help but wonder where MTV finds these idiots. Then, I remembered that MTV.com has a casting call section for MTV shows, so I checked it out. Ever wondered how you can be on MTV? Here's how:

True Life, the award-winning MTV documentary series that brought you such educational fare as "I am a hooker" and "I am a porn star" is casting for their new episode "I want plastic surgery." Are you tired of the way your body looks and plan on getting plastic surgery? MTV would like to follow you and your transformation. MTV is looking for young adults between the ages of 18-28 who are planning on having plastic surgery (of any kind) within the next 6 months.

Are you a beauty queen? True Life is also producing a documentary on beauty queens. MTV is looking for girls ages 12 and up to participate. MTV would like to follow you as you prepare for and compete in an upcoming pageant.

Do you like to watch adult webcams? MTV is currently producing a documentary about adult webcams and the people that watch them. If you like to watch adult webcams, MTV wants to hear from you as soon as possible.

Do you take Viagra? Have you ever been slipped Rufies, or been the one doing the slipping? Does cocaine make sex better for you? Do you prefer to drink before sex, or just to find a sexual partner? Do sex and drugs – prescription, herbal, or illegal – go hand in hand for you? MTV is currently producing a documentary about the role drugs play in your sex life. Whether drugs enhance your sex life or ruined it, MTV wants to hear from you.

Are you a kleptomaniac or a pyromaniac? Do you spend too much time gambling? Too much time thinking about sex? Too much time online? Can you not stop cheating on your partner? Or indulging in pornography? Or checking your stock portfolio on the internet? MTV News wants your story no matter what your VICE! They are still seeking kleptomaniacs and people who can't stop cheating on their partner.

Are you superficial? Do you want the whole world to know what a fucking retard you are? If so, YOU should be on MTV!

What the hell happened to the music?

I mean, even when MTV airs videos, the music can really suck ass. Take, Mariah Carey's new video "Loverboy," for example. It's not music. It's a recording of Mariah breathing heavily synchronized with images of Mariah trying to out-jailbait younger pop acts. I've been on an anti-Mariah Carey crusade for the past week or so after having seen the horrible "Loverboy" video and the horrible preview for Mariah's horrible feature film debut Glitter (in which she plays a diva!). Dude, she oozes pretentious slut.

And what's up with this new J. Lo video "I'm Real," where she buys ice cream for a bunch of little girls in a country town and eats it with them on a sidewalk bench? Please. The only thing real about J. Lo is her enormous ego. Aki is more real that J. Lo.

I was in the drugstore and I happened to "stumble" upon the condom aisle. I was like a child in a candy store. Seeing all those condoms got me thinking: why don't condom manufacturers help out us sexually-frustrated folk and make flavored, ribbed, or studded…latex gloves? It's the same material, just a different mold. Plus, you can market them to both sexes. I think I may have "stumbled" onto a cash cow. Trojan magnum gloves. I like the sound of that.

go • barbie porn
go • a body study
go • h.i.v.
go • jesus dress up!
go • a woman's guide on how to pee standing

It doesn't, actually, get any worse than Mariah Carey.
(out of 11 votes)
true • 1 vote • 9%
Celine Dion • 10 votes • 91%
Okay, the idea here was to make fun of Mariah Carey. Let's try this again.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turdpile

I want my own boy.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

You know how black guys and white guys who act like black guys always talk about their boy? "My boy Bob and I got fuckin' wasted last night!" Well, I want a boy, and I want his name to be Duncan, and I want to be able to go around telling people about my exploits with Duncan.

"My boy Duncan and I, we…we shredded paper today with a paper shredder. But my boy Duncan was all faded and shit from downin' too much Kool-Aid and so he starts bumpin' Simon and Garfunkel and singin' along to it karaoke-style and I was like, 'Deez nuts be rockin' dis muthafuckin' joint!' and my boy Duncan was like, 'Fo' sho!'"

Q: Where does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalog.

Cantonese has got to be the least sexiest language in the world. German is sexier than Cantonese. When I hear Cantonese spoken, I don't feel like making love; I feel like buying a roasted duck from the toothless old lady on a Chinatown street corner.

"I'm all down for changing the name of the internet to 'life-sucking vortex.'" – Andy

Note to my readers: stop asking me about who the fuck Adam Riff™ is. I don't know. Adam Riff™ is a guy…who I don't know. I think I may have saw him once at a performance of a one-act play I directed last year. I also remember seeing a photo of him in a yearbook. It was weird though because the student photographs went from top to bottom instead of left to right. Anyway, Adam Riff™ is the Keyser Söze of my world. I honestly don't know who he is. What I do know is that the number one search engine keyword referrer to my website is "Adam Riff™ time." Doesn't that sound cool? What time is it? It's ADAM RIFF™ TIME!

Seriously though, what time is it? It's time for…Jonathan Yu's mailbag!

Tony from Royal Oaks, MI asks, "Is it true that you live next door to Ryan Malatesta?"

Yes, Tony. I am neighbors in my dormitory with Ryan Malatesta. You wanna make somethin' of it?

This has been…Jonathan Yu's mailbag!

go • am i going down?
go • amish heat
go • bodyperks
go • dictionary of difficult words
go • heaven's fantasy
go • janet reno is hot
go • stop sex offenders!
go • under-ease
go • virtual stapler
go • wondrous vulva puppets

Which state do you hate the most?
(out of 49 votes)
California • 4 votes • 8%
Florida • 0 votes • 0%
Michigan • 0 votes • 0%
Mississippi • 2 votes • 4%
Montana • 1 vote • 2%
New Jersey • 1 vote • 2%
Texas • 42 votes • 84%
Let me guess. You hate Texas, right?


AOL Time Warner must have something against me.

In 1998, Entertainment Weekly published a letter by Jose crediting them for his victory in Jonathan Yu's first-annual Stupid Little Oscar® Game which, in turn, made me look like the biggest ignoramus in America. I remember he said something along the lines of "Guess [Jon] should have listened to you guys, huh?"

Three-and-a-half years later, "America's best" media conglomerate is at it again. It has come to my attention that Joel Stein, the oh so irreverent columnist/interviewer of Time magazine, outright appropriates quite possibly the most popular star of MY website in Time's latest issue – the one with "America's best" high-maintenance woman Julia Roberts on the cover.

That's right. Stein appropriates MY Adam Riff™ in his latest column which, by the way, discusses issues I too wrote about on my site nearly a month ago, albeit less successfully. The audacity of Mr. Stein! This is the same Adam Riff™ whose name I went out of my way to trademark in March. He's my Adam Riff™! I got him first! I even had dolls of him and I made…with matching outfits and all!

Now, I understand that Adam Riff™ is a living and breathing human being and I have absolutely no control over how he chooses to live his life, especially since I've never met him before. I also realize that I can't stop him from inviting Stein over to his house for an AA meeting a group therapy session with a bunch of his friends. But couldn't Stein have at least used a pen name like "Adim Raff" or something? The "fair use" rule only goes so far.

[sigh] I know, I should be happy for Adam Riff™. Why am I acting like a prick? I'm not a prick; I'm profitable. Just ask Joel Stein. It's only a matter of time before Rory Brown's name starts popping up in People magazine. Oh well. Better Stein steal from me than from, say, "America's best" wishy-washy writer Thomas Pynchon.

To show that I've no ill will towards Stein or any of his bastard children from different mothers, I have taken the liberty of copyright infringement and re-printed the now infamous tabloid kidnap of Adam Riff™ below in its entirety, with a few annotations…and for free!

"High School Drop-In" by Joel Stein

I've wanted to speak at a graduation since I left my snotty high school, with its inane rule about needing good grades to address the class. I wanted this not only to rail against the mind-numbing factory model of education and the bureaucracy that made statewide testing more important than learning, but also because it might finally score me points with Kerri Holt.

Luckily, I got an offer from Palo Alto High School in California. But when I got there on a recent Sunday morning, I learned that it wasn't so much a graduation as a baccalaureate, which is some sort of religious ceremony. This did not work with the remarks I had prepared. I also found out that I was sharing the stage with an ESPN News anchor. Not ESPN, ESPN2, or even ESPN Classic Sports, but ESPN News. I was feeling a little stupid for flying across the country for this.

After a bunch of choir stuff, principal Fred Dreier gave a speech. I heard phrases like "lived through Hiroshima," "suffered a stroke" and "Jesus Christ, Buddha, and Thomas Jefferson," the last of which, sadly, was not the setup to a joke. I am not sure what his speech was about since I was busy crossing out paragraphs from my speech. Then the ESPN guy talked about a "mentally challenged" kid in his high school who had taught him something about something. Again I was busy crossing out.

I opened my remarks with, "I know who you are. You are rich, don't study too hard and have probably done cocaine – in short, you're well on your way to being President." This was not a winner. Then I dispensed advice, including a tip that you should try not to wind up as the moron who dies of alcohol poisoning. This wasn't a good call because it turned out a Palo Alto graduate from last year before had died of alcohol poisoning. My speech then touched on such topics as me kissing a lesbian and the fact that after age 22, people have sex on the third date.

After Principal Dreier whisked me out of the auditorium and toward my car as if I was Nixon in Venezuela, I was raked by images of being a dirty old man and hearing a woman I was sleeping with say, "I think you spoke at my high school graduation." I saw this happening in about two hours, after a light lunch.

The next day, I read a critique of my speech by parents Raymond and Kristine Hebert in the Palo Alto Weekly's letters section: "Any mature adult, chosen at random and speaking extemporaneously … would have likely had a more positive effect on the audience than Mr. Stein." Mr. Stein. That sounded cool.

Later that day I got a qualified [qualified?] thank-you e-mail from student Adam Riff™, who invited me to hang out with a dozen friends in his parents' living room [as opposed to the children's living room], where they tried to make me feel better [awww, how sweet]. "We all enjoyed watching the principal squirm and turn red in the face," Adam offered [that's my boy!]. I was also told I was in good company because Star Trek: Voyager's LeVar Burton spoke last year.

By 1:30 a.m., when my new friends, continuing their efforts to rebuild my ego, lined up to take pictures with me as if I were a cutout of the Rock [wrestling reference…good], I felt much better. But as we headed to our cars, I heard senior Vanessa Reid say to her friend, "I would have liked to see LeVar Burton, I must say" [Star Trek fan…bad].

"America's best" faux nerd Sima once advised me to pursue a career similar that of (guess who?) Joel Stein. True, great minds think alike, but I can't do journalism, no matter how yellow it is. I'd probably be sued for libel even before my first article gets published. I think I'll stick to what I'm good at: dancing.

Adam Riff™ fever – catch it!

Smooth Criminal

"79% of women are unaware of the fact that 'cum' is a fat coagulant. That is the nutritional equivalent of negative 500 calories per gram. So if any of you woman out there would like to lose a few pounds, I am here to help." – Oswald

"People who don't care about anything generally don't have any problems." – Kyle Ross

The fifth installment of Wrestlepalooza is (finally) up. It's the most vile thing I've ever written.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 No Backsies

Recently, Entertainment Weekly published its annual It List, showcasing the "100 most creative people in entertainment." What they forgot was that the entertainment industry isn't very creative to begin with, so the list basically consists of the least uncreative people in entertainment today. But what about all the uncreative people in entertainment? Shouldn't they be acknowledged too? Yes. They get their own list – the Not It List. That is, the least creative people in entertainment. Enjoy.

Bless the band, but let's face it. Musically…they suck, recycling the same three notes over and over like no other rock band out there. Okay, maybe Limp Bizkit. "First Date" is nothing more than a slower version of "Dumpweed," and "Story Of A Lonely Guy" is in essence "Adam's Song" backwards.

Jerry Bruckheimer
How to make a Jerry Bruckheimer movie: 1) Think up an exciting movie title. 2) Hire Michael Bay to direct. 3) Cast Nicolas Cage or Ben Affleck in a leading role. 4) Make a list of things you want to see explode. Send it to the visual effects company. 5) Film the movie. 6) Piece together footage to give the appearance of a coherent storyline. Be sure to include an undeveloped romance and a sacrificial death at the end. Voila! You have just created a summer blockbuster.

Jay Leno
I'll be honest. I have no respect for people who watch the Tonight Show. Leno's entire comedic repertoire consists of pointing out typos in newspapers, making fun of how stupid people are, and showing "embarrassing" footage of entertainers from their early years in the business. At least Letterman tries to experiment.

I loved Moby's album Play. In fact, I picked Play as one of the best recordings of 1999 before most people caught on to it. That was 1999. It is now 2001, and Moby is still milking this fucking album. Next week, Moby's Play DVD will be released, featuring all 10 music videos for the album of the same name (5 were unreleased in America). 10 music videos! Play only has 18 songs. I think it's about time our little friend Moby goes back into the studio to prove that Play was no fluke.

the producers of Amazing Race, Bands On The Run, Big Brother, Big Brother 2, Boot Camp, Chains Of Love, Eco-Challenge, Fear, Fear Factor, Love Cruise, Making The Band, Murder In Small Town X, Popstars, Road Rules 10, Spy TV, Survivor: The Australian Outback, Temptation Island, Weakest Link, and Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles
I don't think I need to say anything.

Shawn and Marlon Wayans
Three words: Scary Movie 2. Sex and pot jokes grow old really fast, especially in the hands of two brothers who couldn't even host an awards show properly.

Now, I have an 5-page paper due on Monday for my English 4 class in which I have to explicate a poem. Whoo! I fucking hate poetry. The other day, we studied this John Keats poem called "Ode on a Grecian Urn." Who the fuck writes an ode to a fucking urn? Moreover, if the poem is really supposed to be some treatise on the relationship between nature and art, why not just come out and say so instead of using all this metaphor bullshit? Along with the ode to the urn, there was this poem called "Anecdote of the Jar." What is it with poets and inanimate objects? I have a poem. It's called "Haiku on Diaphragm."

Rubber diaphragm
Lodged in female vagina
I go jack off now.

UC Berkeley once offered a class on Tupac Shakur's lyrics as poetry. Hmmm. That gives me an idea. The first class offered at Jon U (Jonathan University) will be critical studies on Dream lyrics.

"That was her, this is me / We're as different as can be / She and I are nothing alike / You're confusing day with night."

Wow. So young, yet so profound. What does it all mean? You'll have to take my class to find out.

Before I finish up here, take a look at the cover of Jessica Simpson's latest record:

Oh my god! I forgot to take the pill this morning!

That's all for now.

go • carthedral
go • beer vs. stacy
go • shutdown the internet

(out of 21 votes)
Frederic Chopin • 2 votes • 10%
Joseph Conrad • 5 votes • 24%
Copernicus • 1 vote • 5%
Marie Curie • 13 votes • 62%
Pope John Paul II • 0 votes • 0%
Apparently, nobody realized the "Pole" choices were all Polish or Poles. Duh.

Don't Judge a Gook by Its Cover

What's brown and pink and yellow all over?


The fuckin' total head sunburn I received courtesy of the Warped Tour is finally goin' away. Whoo! First, the skin on my head, baked until red, hurt like fuck. Then, the skin on my head turned brown, making me look black, or at least Indian. Now, the skin on my head is comin' off, but not all at once. No… The skin on my head is not stupid. It's gonna take its time departing incrementally. Fuck you, skin on my head! Right now, I resemble a black Mikhail Gorbachev, and it's all your fault!

Goat Punishment

Just my luck. The Warped Tour played three stops in southern California, and I chose to attend what was billed as the largest Warped show ever. Apparently, the promoters thought it would be cool to pack 30,000 people into the tiny parking lot area surrounding the Los Angeles Sports Arena for eight-and-a-half hours. Whoo! No matter. A good time was to be had by all, especially those who forgot to wear sunscreen. I actually sunburned my entire head. Damn you, short hair! As a write this, my fat head bathes in aloe. Now I know why riots broke out at Woodstock '99.

Notes on the Warped Tour:

If you see only one band this year, see the Ataris.

However, if you see two bands this year, see the Juliana Theory too. Martin told me that he really liked this band, so I took his words and skipped Rancid's set to catch these boys. Wowee! Rock is so not dead.

New Found Glory is the next Blink-182. When did they become so TRL? God only knows what's gonna happen when the Warped Tour hits Somerset, WI on the 14th with NFG, burgeoning TRL-sters Sum 41, AND Blink-182 on the line-up.

The main concourse attraction this year was something called "Incredibly Strange Wrestling" and boy, it was incredibly strange. I dropped in and out during the day and was incredibly weirded out by the wrestling antics of Mextacy (a Mexican raver), a mock skinhead, Spanish clowns, guys in sasquatch and hot dog costumes, and 69 Degrees, a scientologist pop music duo. Like I said, incredibly strange.

People don't applaud anymore. The new way of showing appreciation to a band is to salute them with devil horn hands. What I found extremely amusing were the "brave" souls who saluted bands they hated with the finger amidst a sea of devil horns. They remind me of people who clap after a movie, like the actors can hear it.

Segue into fingerbang fingerboard bit.

Have you seen these fingerboard things? They're little toy skateboards that you manipulate with your fingers. It's like skateboarding…with your fingers! They even make little toy courses for you to, um, fingerboard on. [pause to roll eyes] How is this fun? What makes fingerboarding more entertaining than say, twirling a pen? Maybe it's just me. I can't bring myself to play with miniature objects. That's why I don't masturbate.

The new Levi's commercial with the singing belly buttons is fucked up! What's next? Dancing camel toes?

In other news, I saw the movies Pootie Tang and A.I.

The world according to Rory Brown: "People always say that the Kids In The Hall are really funny, but their television show is, well, not very funny." I think Chris Rock also suffers from this funny / not funny syndrome. He's a funny guy, just not when he makes movies. A funny Chris Rock movie is as rare as a funny Robin Williams movie. Down To Earth was lame, and Pootie Tang is more of the same lameness, only incoherent.

Funny enough (no pun intended), the voices of Rock and Williams both pop up in A.I. – Steven Spielberg's attempt at channeling Stanley Kubrick. Put bluntly, fans of Kubrick will be disappointed by this movie and fans of Spielberg will be disappointed as well. All of which is kinda sad, because this movie features so many interesting elements. If only Spielberg could have pieced it together better, sans the Hollywood optimism characteristic of his previous collective works.

Carroll O'Connor 1924-2001
John Lee Hooker 1920-2001
Jack Lemmon 1925-2001
Chet Atkins 1924-2001
Joe Henderson 1937-2001
Noise Addict (internet radio branch) 2001-2001

go • american mini-trotters
go • cooking with high voltage
go • diary of a fat slut
go • gay-o-meter
go • last week's prostitution arrest photos
go • sluts of the lilith fair
go • true blue roo poo company
go • untitled shockwave file
go • what's a butt mint?
go • x-wipes

Which of the following is the greatest artificially intelligent creation?
(out of 145 votes)
Haley Joel Osment • 0 votes • 0%
the cast of Mystery Science Theater 3000 • 94 votes • 65%
HAL 9000 • 0 votes • 0%
Knight Rider • 18 votes • 12%
R2D2 • 8 votes • 6%
Robocop • 0 votes • 0%
Sony Aibo • 0 votes • 0%
the Terminator • 1 vote • 1%
ticketmaster.com • 21 votes • 14%
Vicki from Small Wonder • 3 votes • 2%
The cast of MST3K over fuckin' ticketmaster-bater? Bah.