Trapped in Paradise Lost

Jon: Help me Obi-Wan! You're my only hope!
Rory: Dude, what's your problem? NorCal is the shit!
Jon: No…computer…must…get…out…
Rory: What's that you're using then?
Jon: A computer.
Rory: Then stop complaining.
Jon: But it's a library computer! I want mine!
Rory: Oh be quiet. You're only up here for one week. Why don't you have some fun…away from your goddamn computer?
Jon: Rory, you know me. I'm incapable of having fun.
Rory: And girlfriends. Yes, I know that. In fact, the whole world knows that. Can't you at least try to have fun though for a change? I know! Let's go ride that new roller coaster at Marine Wo-
Jon: Ahem.
Rory: Sorry. I forgot. [pause] What about Adam Riff™?
Jon: What about him?
Rory: Let's go have kosher food with him.
Jon: But I don't know where he lives. I've never even met the guy before.
Rory: Bollocks. You have his home address. I saw it on your Palm Pile-O-Shit, along with his medical history and those naked pictures of his sister.
Jon: I don't know what you're talking about…
Rory: Whatever. I offer to stalk Adam Riff™ with you and you decline. It's your loss.
Jon: Boo hoo. Can't we do something that requires staying indoors?
Rory: You're right. It is kinda hot, huh? [pause] I got it! Let's go find you a girlfriend.
Jon: Here? In the library?
Rory: You like 'em smart, don't you?
Jon: Yes, but…
Rory: Now, there's a fine piece of ass!
Jon: Rory, that's my mom!
Rory: Wowee! If only this was Mississippi…
Jon: Rory!
Rory: You tellin' me that you wouldn't boink your mom if you had the chance…and it was legal? For Christ's sake, she fuckin' buys things off the television? How cool is that?
Jon: Oh it's real cool. Food dehydrators and George Foreman grills just turn me on.
Rory: You…are an ungrateful prick.
Jon: And you…are out of toilet paper!
Winston: Jon, take me to Toys 'R' Us. I want a Game Boy Advance.
Jon: Not now, Winston! Can't you see I'm in the middle of insulting Rory?
[Rory laughs]
Jon: The fuck are you laughing about, Hornblower?
Rory: Your brother's 11, right?
Jon: Yeah…
Rory: Well, he's already taller than you and has a voice deeper than yours! Hehehe.
[Jon starts to cry]
Jon: You had to shoot down my self-esteem, didn't you? Don't you think I know that I'm shorter than my little brother and have a higher-pitched voice than he does?
[Jon cries harder]
Rory: Now, now. Uncle Rory will make it all better. How does a Game Boy Advance sound?
[Jon abruptly stops crying]
Jon: Like butter, baby. Like butter.

Links:
go • church of saint john the baptist of the alien artichoke
go • coin operated electric chair
go • duct tape shoe designs
go • great canadian grape race
go • killing spree scoring system
go • leonard nimoy should eat more salsa foundation
go • prozac pez dispenser page
go • signature of god on your keyboard
go • things my girlfriend and i have argued about
go • voluntary human extinction movement

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