Unless your Dad will suck me off
Unless your Mom will touch my cock
Ejaculate into a sock
I'll never talk to you again

I wanted to speak at my high school graduation last year. I had this whole speech planned out with profound metaphors and pithy quotes and these caged doves that I was gonna release at the end. Unfortunately, you had to try out for an opportunity to speak at graduation. What's up with that? I knew right off the bat that the school would never let me pleasure them orally, so I didn't bother. Though, I was tempted to go in front of the judging panel and make farting noises with my armpit for three minutes.

The following is Jonathan Yu's high school graduation speech, sans doves (sorry) and completely reworked for the class of 2001.

Testing…testing…1-2-3… Just what do you think you're doing Dave? Hehe. Testing…testing… Subliminable. 1-2-3… Subliminable. Testicle… When Israel was in Egypt's land, let my people go. 1-2-3…te- What's that? Start the speech already? Fine…bitch.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2001, SHUT UP AND LISTEN! Ahem. We are gathered here today to join those hands you see behind me and those diplomas on that folding table right there in holy matrimony. It is the end of innocence, and the dawn of a nation's greatest glory. Behold the future of America! Kinda sad, huh? [cough cough] Oliver Spencer. [cough cough] No longer will my brothers and sisters and I serve the College Board and its subsidiaries. No, as of today, we will only serve patrons at McDonald's…and one year overseas if drafted.

Pop quiz, hot shot. You graduate high school. You go to college. Your parents pay for everything – the tuition, the room and board, the computer, the books, the apartment later on. Then, the second child in your family graduates high school, and your parents can't afford to fully fund your lifestyle anymore. What do you do? What DO you do…if you're Mormon?

You can't rely on the government for help. Ask not what your country can do for you…especially with Bush as President. Ask what you can do for yourself, because nobody gives a fuck about you. All eyes are on ME right now. In 20 years, when people watch this graduation on videotape, they will see ME. Not you, but ME.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix. How do you like them apples? Don't wanna be a bum? You better chew gum! The pump don't work 'cause the vandals took the handles. Understand that unless your initials are Anna Nicole Smith, expensive houses, cars, and parties don't just fall into your lap. You gotta fight for your right to party.

Wear sunscreen.

Today, we lose our virginity to the real world. This ceremony here goes by quickly and may even be painful for some, but when it's over, your life will never be the same. With this new found glory, however, comes responsibility. Are you gonna go around whoring yourself to the world? Are you gonna let the world rape you? Stick that big fat dick of its up your ass and push and pull until your anus hemorrhages? I say, "No!" Be careful out there and use protection. If not, then get thee to a nunnery.

I have a dream. I also have a short-term memory. What was my dream again? Oh. I have a dream that one day little Jonathan Yu will be able to join hands with little Angelina Jolie and walk together as friends and lovers. I have a dream that one day what wet dreams may come when I dream about those dreamy girls in Dream won't be so damn wet. I have a dream that one day you will all kiss my ass when I'm rich and famous and you're stuck in some dead-end field of work like "journalism" or "biotechnology." Here's a piece of advice: praise me, and who knows? I just might patronize you back. After all, the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. Thank you very much. This is for all the fat chicks! Whoo!

Let's go
Don't wait
The night's almost over
Honest, let's make this night last forever
Forever and ever

Before I forget, I have to post this.

That photograph scares me even more than rollercoasters do. Seth and Dahan in the same room. [shiver] But more importantly, they're smiling, despite all the shit I do to them on my site. I wanna take this opportunity to thank these two fellows for being very good sports and…just plain nice to me. Thanks a lot, suckers.

We really need to see this through
We never wanted to be abused
We'll never give up, it's no use
If we're fucked up, you're to blame

Jose's in Philly this summer interning at the Philadelphia Daily News and he's subletting a room in (get this) a rugby frat house on the U Penn campus. Lucky bastard gets to attend game 4 of the NBA finals tonight, with a live halftime performance by Destiny's Child. Is he ready for that jelly? Hmmm.

I'm seriously considering flying to Philly this summer in order to grace the Y100 FEZtival with my presence (see concert calendar). BNL, Weezer, OLP, Good Charlotte, and Tenacious D on the same stage? Fuck me. Oh, and I'll probably visit Jose too.

He seems like a total asshole
[Jon Yu] is a total fucking asshole
Who would ever want a dirty greasy finger in his ass?
He rubs his dick in broken glass

In case you're wondering, all the lyrics in this post come from Blink-182's new album Take Off Your Pants And Jacket. My June 9, 2001 post said that there are four versions of the new Blink album. Correction: there are three versions of the new Blink album, each with two different hidden tracks, making a total of six. I transcribed these particular lyrics off the green copy, or the "jacket" disc.

People have been asking me why I gave Tomb Raider a C+. Well, go watch the movie, and then tell me it's not a C+. I'll let you witness for yourself the incredibly enhanced tits and the awful special effects that top the CGI Rock-scorpion thing of The Mummy Returns in the "Doesn't Hollywood realize it looks fake and cheesy and bad?" department.

Which reminds me…I'm gonna be spending the next week in my boring hometown of Mountain View, CA, and I wanna waste it watching movies. So if you would like to see a movie with the inimitable Jonathan Yu, hit me up. I'll be happy to go.

Links:
go • britney's guide to semiconductor physics
go • halle berry topless in swordfish
go • hookers with attitude
go • no justice for sodomized kitten
go • silver smiles
go • smack bush (thanks, Seth)
go • take it deep
go • technical virgin (thanks, Elvin)
go • trench coat mafia homepage
go • turducken (a chicken in a duck in a turkey)

What popular video game should be adapted into a movie next? (out of 146 votes)
Dance Dance Revolution • 39 votes • 27%
Duck Hunt • 45 votes • 31%
The Oregon Trail • 11 votes • 8%
Tetris • 49 votes • 34%
Tony Hawk's Pro Skater • 2 votes • 1%
Calling Yakov Smirnoff…