Mutually Assured Destruction

Fuck me. It's June already. One more year closer to responsibility.

My brother is graduating from elementary school in two weeks. Can you believe it? I am so old.

I am an 18-year-old Asian boy who doesn't know how to use chopsticks.

I despise graduation. All three of my graduations so far (elementary, middle, high) have been tainted by controversy. And I get to re-live all the fun again with my brother.

My biggest fear is that six years from now, I'll be standing on the Mountain View High School football field watching my brother graduate and have nothing to look back on. At the age of 24, death will be just around the corner, and I don't want to die amidst the flocks of anonymous masses in the world. I want to go down in history, dammit!

But what has my legacy been so far? Sucking ass at little league baseball and eating – paste, chicken, tape, staples, puppy chow…pizza. Oh, and there's also the time I got caught for copying entire paragraphs out of Cliff's Notes and incorporating them into my final paper for 8th grade English class.

Even in the context of a formal graduation speech (and I was technically mentioned in three), people seemed to remember me as a complete fuckhead. Jonathan Yu was the dope who worked out a lame comedy routine for Elmer, downed 40 chicken McNuggets and six rolls of scotch tape, and went around telling other people that they weren't funny. Makes you all warm and tingly inside, doesn't it?

I am a golden god.

This post brought to you by America Online.

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