I was walking to class today when I saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that had a doodle of a tennis player on the front and "lifekike" printed underneath.


It was one of the most awkward t-shirts I've ever seen, probably because it had the word "kike" on it.

I'm all for free speech, but there's something about the k-word that makes me feel uncomfortable. Now, before you start calling me a Jew slut (which I guess I am), let me explain. I think "kike," more so than any other bad word, still troubles me because it isn't used very much, not that it should, but you just don't see fratboys calling their studious non-athletic peers "kikes" or Evan and Jaron singing about getting wasted with their "kikes." People like me haven't yet been desensitized to the word "kike," and I think it's high time America does something about it.

Speaking of bad words, we need some new ones. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, nigger, and faggot no longer have the punch that they used to.

Claudine once suggested "buddha" as a new bad word and actually used it for a while. I never had the heart to tell her that it was a buddha idea.

I tried thinking up some new bad words, but they either ended up sounding too much like old ones or simply lacked the guttural sound necessary to be a good bad word.

I did come upon one winner though: "chode." CHODE! Chodeface. Chodehead. Chodesucker. Chode for brains. Chode off. Go chode yourself. Chode, chode, chode. Man, I love this word.

Okay, off to the Warped Tour at USC. Whoo!

Three links for the road:
go • bonzai kitten
go • error 404 – document not found
go • testicles of famous people

Breathing Deeply, Walking Backwards

If you don't know already, I work for the housing assignments office at UCLA. I'm mainly a housing tour guide, but today, I got to alphabetize change of housing request forms for the 2001-2002 school year, and let me tell you, this incoming class of students is a whiny bunch. I mean, do they really think the school can just shit out all the double-occupancy dorm rooms necessary to make everybody happy, especially with the onset of Tidal Wave II? Almost every request read, "I was assigned a triple. I want a double." Yeah, okay.

You should have seen some of the reasons people used to justify their requests. One kid, an art student AND an orthodox Jew, said that he couldn't live in a triple or room with anybody but his orthodox Jew friend because otherwise he wouldn't have enough room for his art supplies and couldn't practice his religion to its full extent. Ah, the joys of reform Judaism.

"Special" medical conditions were quite popular too. Be it asthmatics who absolutely required an air-conditioned room in order to breathe or (get this) an English cello-playing girl who simply could not use stairs because one of her legs is shorter than the other and a cello is (unbeknownst to me) really really heavy to carry, lame desperation was pandemic. Some people went so far as to include pamphlets about their disorders so our office could truly feel their pain and find it in its heart to re-assign them to a double air-conditioned room.

The request that stands out most in my mind was from a guy in Oregon who, on top of being an poor fucking asthmatic, felt that he had worked too hard in high school to deserve a triple. And to prove just how hard he worked in high school, he sent in a lengthy resumé chronicling all his high school exploits. Honestly, I never knew one person could do so many things. Even Sima wasn't this good. He reminded me of Max Fischer from the movie Rushmore…with a tint of WASP bourgeoisie fag. Did I mention that he attached a glamour photo of himself to his request? WHY? Dumbass.

I've been meaning to post my first-year UCLA report card. Here goes:

Air Pollution • A
Biological Threats To Society: Bioterrorism And Emerging Infections • B+
Calculus And Analytic Geometry • C
English Composition, Rhetoric, And Language Honors • B
Music Now • A-
Principles Of Oral Communication • B-
The US, 1963 To 1974: Politics, Society, And Culture 1 • B-
The US, 1963 To 1974: Politics, Society, And Culture 2 • A
The US, 1963 To 1974: Politics, Society, And Culture 3 • A-
Cumulative GPA = 3.245

Mediocre and proud of it.

Dude, Where's Your Shame?

I'll do anything to be on television.


Even if it entails waking up at 6:00 am and going to the Dude, Where's My Car? video and DVD release party in Westwood to eat pizza and pudding and watch ostriches race each other while cameras record it all for broadcast on television news shows today.

Self-respect is such an abstract concept to me.

Detroit What?

To herald our triumphant return to the internet, we shall begin with some wrestling news. Stop groaning.

Chyna and the WWF have parted ways after a contract dispute. Yay!

The WWF is going to make their Monday night time slot on TNN into WCW Raw. Boo!

Notes on my short summer vacation:

You're really asking for it if you drive a yellow car.

Asians should not bleach their hair. We don't need the whole head being yellow.

I saw a home video that Amanda Ibaraki's brother and his 8th-grade buddies made for junior high Health class wherein they went around Mountain View acting like jackasses, forcing themselves to throw up and riding a seemingly unsafe sled-thingy into a stagnant creek, among other things. That Health teacher should be fired.

I spent a lot of time at malls. Now, understand that I hate shopping, especially for clothes, so this wasn't exactly time well spent, but it was fucking hot and California has no cheap power for home air conditioners. Go fish.

Jonathan Yu has no fashion sense whatsoever. To me, the only difference between Abercrombie & Fitch and K-Mart clothing is that one company puts "A&F" and "92" on everything they make and then sells it at exorbitant prices…and the other doesn't. I need a stylist. When I become rich and famous, the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a guy to fulfill my sartorial fantasies, like clear vinyl suits and shag boxers. Until then, a polo shirt and some pants will do it for me.

That must be my problem – the polo shirt / pants getup. You see, wherever I go, people always mistake me for an employee of the place in which I happen to be located. I'll be at the Gap and some guy will walk up to me and ask, "Excuse me, do you work here?" What the fuck? No, I do not work at the Gap, nor do I whore my talents to Old Navy, Best Buy, Tower Records, and that Chinese restaurant in Santa Monica.

My style is equivalent to that of those kids who only wear a t-shirt and shorts every single day of the school year.

You know how cartoon characters never change outfits? Well, sometime in my life I want to try it. That is, wear the same outfit for a whole year.

They say that "clothes make the man." Oh, it's true. Seth's a dork.

My 11-year-old little brother's suddenly all into looking good in his name brand clothing. Whoo! I, of course, was bewildered upon hearing about this and asked him to explain the reasoning behind his newfound interest in high California fashion (if there is such a thing). His reply? "I want to conform."

My brother also professed to reading material from my bookshelf at home when he's bored. So I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh good. Somebody's reading those Goosebumps books I bought from the book order club in sixth grade and wasn't motivated enough to read." Lo and behold, it turns out that he actually read Schindler's List, Catch-22, and Macbeth.

And for my final trick, I will talk about Parade magazine, that pathetic tabloid shit that somehow makes its way into every Sunday newspaper bundle. Namely, I wanna talk about Marilyn vos Savant. Savant is listed in the Guinness Book Of World Records as having the world's highest IQ, and she has a column in Parade where she answers reader questions. If only her readers weren't fucking retards! This is the world's smartest person we're talking about and week after week she has to respond to unbelievably idiotic queries. "My wife and I are concerned about the Y2K problem. What do you think will happen? Please answer on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being a nuisance and 10 being a complete failure of our system. Should my wife and I have cash on hand? What about the bank and stock holdings? Anything else?" Dude, she's a genius, not a therapist. The idea here is to STUMP her. Ah, fuck it.

I'm tired.

go • 10k 4 a wife
go • beautiful but dangerous
go • christians can't dance
go • circumcise yourself!
go • love me

(out of 235 votes)
Nicotine • 0 votes • 0%
Valium • 3 votes • 1%
Vicodin • 43 votes • 18%
Marijuana • 70 votes • 30%
Ecstasy • 24 votes • 10%
Alcohol • 95 votes • 40%
Wow, those Truth ads are effective.

Trapped in Paradise Lost

Jon: Help me Obi-Wan! You're my only hope!
Rory: Dude, what's your problem? NorCal is the shit!
Jon: No…computer…must…get…out…
Rory: What's that you're using then?
Jon: A computer.
Rory: Then stop complaining.
Jon: But it's a library computer! I want mine!
Rory: Oh be quiet. You're only up here for one week. Why don't you have some fun…away from your goddamn computer?
Jon: Rory, you know me. I'm incapable of having fun.
Rory: And girlfriends. Yes, I know that. In fact, the whole world knows that. Can't you at least try to have fun though for a change? I know! Let's go ride that new roller coaster at Marine Wo-
Jon: Ahem.
Rory: Sorry. I forgot. [pause] What about Adam Riff™?
Jon: What about him?
Rory: Let's go have kosher food with him.
Jon: But I don't know where he lives. I've never even met the guy before.
Rory: Bollocks. You have his home address. I saw it on your Palm Pile-O-Shit, along with his medical history and those naked pictures of his sister.
Jon: I don't know what you're talking about…
Rory: Whatever. I offer to stalk Adam Riff™ with you and you decline. It's your loss.
Jon: Boo hoo. Can't we do something that requires staying indoors?
Rory: You're right. It is kinda hot, huh? [pause] I got it! Let's go find you a girlfriend.
Jon: Here? In the library?
Rory: You like 'em smart, don't you?
Jon: Yes, but…
Rory: Now, there's a fine piece of ass!
Jon: Rory, that's my mom!
Rory: Wowee! If only this was Mississippi…
Jon: Rory!
Rory: You tellin' me that you wouldn't boink your mom if you had the chance…and it was legal? For Christ's sake, she fuckin' buys things off the television? How cool is that?
Jon: Oh it's real cool. Food dehydrators and George Foreman grills just turn me on.
Rory: You…are an ungrateful prick.
Jon: And you…are out of toilet paper!
Winston: Jon, take me to Toys 'R' Us. I want a Game Boy Advance.
Jon: Not now, Winston! Can't you see I'm in the middle of insulting Rory?
[Rory laughs]
Jon: The fuck are you laughing about, Hornblower?
Rory: Your brother's 11, right?
Jon: Yeah…
Rory: Well, he's already taller than you and has a voice deeper than yours! Hehehe.
[Jon starts to cry]
Jon: You had to shoot down my self-esteem, didn't you? Don't you think I know that I'm shorter than my little brother and have a higher-pitched voice than he does?
[Jon cries harder]
Rory: Now, now. Uncle Rory will make it all better. How does a Game Boy Advance sound?
[Jon abruptly stops crying]
Jon: Like butter, baby. Like butter.

go • church of saint john the baptist of the alien artichoke
go • coin operated electric chair
go • duct tape shoe designs
go • great canadian grape race
go • killing spree scoring system
go • leonard nimoy should eat more salsa foundation
go • prozac pez dispenser page
go • signature of god on your keyboard
go • things my girlfriend and i have argued about
go • voluntary human extinction movement

Done and Doner

I'm done. Done done done. Did I mention that I'm done? Call me a done fuck because I'm well done with this school shit…until next week, when I return for summer sessions. That's one of the drawbacks of being Asian – you spend all your summers in school.

Epiphanies at 4:00 am:

I hate "times new roman." What an ugly font. I can't believe that teachers actually prefer to read this garish font.

I hate stapling papers. I like my staples to go in clean and straight and they never do. I usually end up stapling the same papers like five times in order to get it right. I'm anal that way.

I hate how expensive haircuts are. I forked over $10 the other day so some Jamaican lady could shave my head. And then…I had to tip her for doing so.

Who came up with the retarded practice of tipping? It seriously drains the money right out of your wallet, and for no good reason. Why should I give the stupid fuckin' haircut lady an extra dollar for a job she's already getting paid for? That goes for all you pizza delivery boys too! I'll be damned if I ever give you a buck for driving down the road to bring me a cheese pizza.

Now that I've effectively pissed off a quarter of the blue-collar workforce in America, how 'bout a joke?

Q: What's the difference between Pakistan and a pancake?
A: I don't remember a pancake ever getting nuked by India!
Thanks, Bob and Tony.

People Jose has met working in journalism:
Audra McDonald
Bill Clinton
Dave Matthews
Michelle Kwan
Jesse Jackson
Sharon Stone
Peter Travers

People Jon has met working on this website:
some perv named "lezbianorgy87"

Here's something to keep you entertained during those boring summer days • go

Should Jonathan Yu go to Philadelphia this summer? (out of 13 votes)
Yes (Weezer owns…and visiting Jose would be cool too) • 13 votes • 100%
No (Weezer blows…and so does…never mind) • 0 votes • 0%
Who the fuck is Jonathan Yu? • 0 votes • 0%
[sigh] Philly, here I come.

Let's Make Fun of Stupid People

LOS ANGELES – It's got plenty of the right ingredients – lawsuits, money, and rock 'n' roll. That's right. Napster the movie may be coming to a screen near you!

"I can confirm we're in development on a project called Napster," said Marc McCarthy, a spokesman for Starz Encore, a provider of movie programming for cable television operators that is a unit of Liberty Media Group.

Officials at Redwood City, California-based Napster declined to comment on the possibility of a movie or whether they have spoken with Scott Fields, the Los Angeles-based screenwriter who has been traveling across the country interviewing people for the script under development for Starz Encore.

Industry sources said Fields has met with people who have associated with the company and friends of Shawn Fanning, the Northeastern University dropout who at 18 wrote the source code for the music file-sharing program as a way for his friends to share their favorite songs online.

It's a regular rags-to-riches story that may even have a happy ending and 70 million Napster fans who may be willing to watch it.

LOS ANGELES – Preview audiences who've watched Steven Spielberg's new movie, A.I., are having some problems with the film's title.

The initials A.I. stand for "artificial intelligence," but exit polls suggest many people think the title of the movie is "A-1" – just like the steak sauce.

New York gossip reporter Baird Jones claims the name confusion is so serious that studio executives are considering putting the words "artificial intelligence" in parenthesis after the title – a prospect that Spielberg is furious over.

A.I. stars Haley Joel Osment and Jude Law and is scheduled for release June 29.

Pompous Circumstance

Unless your Dad will suck me off
Unless your Mom will touch my cock
Ejaculate into a sock
I'll never talk to you again

I wanted to speak at my high school graduation last year. I had this whole speech planned out with profound metaphors and pithy quotes and these caged doves that I was gonna release at the end. Unfortunately, you had to try out for an opportunity to speak at graduation. What's up with that? I knew right off the bat that the school would never let me pleasure them orally, so I didn't bother. Though, I was tempted to go in front of the judging panel and make farting noises with my armpit for three minutes.

The following is Jonathan Yu's high school graduation speech, sans doves (sorry) and completely reworked for the class of 2001.

Testing…testing…1-2-3… Just what do you think you're doing Dave? Hehe. Testing…testing… Subliminable. 1-2-3… Subliminable. Testicle… When Israel was in Egypt's land, let my people go. 1-2-3…te- What's that? Start the speech already? Fine…bitch.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2001, SHUT UP AND LISTEN! Ahem. We are gathered here today to join those hands you see behind me and those diplomas on that folding table right there in holy matrimony. It is the end of innocence, and the dawn of a nation's greatest glory. Behold the future of America! Kinda sad, huh? [cough cough] Oliver Spencer. [cough cough] No longer will my brothers and sisters and I serve the College Board and its subsidiaries. No, as of today, we will only serve patrons at McDonald's…and one year overseas if drafted.

Pop quiz, hot shot. You graduate high school. You go to college. Your parents pay for everything – the tuition, the room and board, the computer, the books, the apartment later on. Then, the second child in your family graduates high school, and your parents can't afford to fully fund your lifestyle anymore. What do you do? What DO you do…if you're Mormon?

You can't rely on the government for help. Ask not what your country can do for you…especially with Bush as President. Ask what you can do for yourself, because nobody gives a fuck about you. All eyes are on ME right now. In 20 years, when people watch this graduation on videotape, they will see ME. Not you, but ME.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix. How do you like them apples? Don't wanna be a bum? You better chew gum! The pump don't work 'cause the vandals took the handles. Understand that unless your initials are Anna Nicole Smith, expensive houses, cars, and parties don't just fall into your lap. You gotta fight for your right to party.

Wear sunscreen.

Today, we lose our virginity to the real world. This ceremony here goes by quickly and may even be painful for some, but when it's over, your life will never be the same. With this new found glory, however, comes responsibility. Are you gonna go around whoring yourself to the world? Are you gonna let the world rape you? Stick that big fat dick of its up your ass and push and pull until your anus hemorrhages? I say, "No!" Be careful out there and use protection. If not, then get thee to a nunnery.

I have a dream. I also have a short-term memory. What was my dream again? Oh. I have a dream that one day little Jonathan Yu will be able to join hands with little Angelina Jolie and walk together as friends and lovers. I have a dream that one day what wet dreams may come when I dream about those dreamy girls in Dream won't be so damn wet. I have a dream that one day you will all kiss my ass when I'm rich and famous and you're stuck in some dead-end field of work like "journalism" or "biotechnology." Here's a piece of advice: praise me, and who knows? I just might patronize you back. After all, the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. Thank you very much. This is for all the fat chicks! Whoo!

Let's go
Don't wait
The night's almost over
Honest, let's make this night last forever
Forever and ever

Before I forget, I have to post this.

That photograph scares me even more than rollercoasters do. Seth and Dahan in the same room. [shiver] But more importantly, they're smiling, despite all the shit I do to them on my site. I wanna take this opportunity to thank these two fellows for being very good sports and…just plain nice to me. Thanks a lot, suckers.

We really need to see this through
We never wanted to be abused
We'll never give up, it's no use
If we're fucked up, you're to blame

Jose's in Philly this summer interning at the Philadelphia Daily News and he's subletting a room in (get this) a rugby frat house on the U Penn campus. Lucky bastard gets to attend game 4 of the NBA finals tonight, with a live halftime performance by Destiny's Child. Is he ready for that jelly? Hmmm.

I'm seriously considering flying to Philly this summer in order to grace the Y100 FEZtival with my presence (see concert calendar). BNL, Weezer, OLP, Good Charlotte, and Tenacious D on the same stage? Fuck me. Oh, and I'll probably visit Jose too.

He seems like a total asshole
[Jon Yu] is a total fucking asshole
Who would ever want a dirty greasy finger in his ass?
He rubs his dick in broken glass

In case you're wondering, all the lyrics in this post come from Blink-182's new album Take Off Your Pants And Jacket. My June 9, 2001 post said that there are four versions of the new Blink album. Correction: there are three versions of the new Blink album, each with two different hidden tracks, making a total of six. I transcribed these particular lyrics off the green copy, or the "jacket" disc.

People have been asking me why I gave Tomb Raider a C+. Well, go watch the movie, and then tell me it's not a C+. I'll let you witness for yourself the incredibly enhanced tits and the awful special effects that top the CGI Rock-scorpion thing of The Mummy Returns in the "Doesn't Hollywood realize it looks fake and cheesy and bad?" department.

Which reminds me…I'm gonna be spending the next week in my boring hometown of Mountain View, CA, and I wanna waste it watching movies. So if you would like to see a movie with the inimitable Jonathan Yu, hit me up. I'll be happy to go.

go • britney's guide to semiconductor physics
go • halle berry topless in swordfish
go • hookers with attitude
go • no justice for sodomized kitten
go • silver smiles
go • smack bush (thanks, Seth)
go • take it deep
go • technical virgin (thanks, Elvin)
go • trench coat mafia homepage
go • turducken (a chicken in a duck in a turkey)

What popular video game should be adapted into a movie next? (out of 146 votes)
Dance Dance Revolution • 39 votes • 27%
Duck Hunt • 45 votes • 31%
The Oregon Trail • 11 votes • 8%
Tetris • 49 votes • 34%
Tony Hawk's Pro Skater • 2 votes • 1%
Calling Yakov Smirnoff…


The final exam for my music history class is tomorrow and what am I doing tonight? Going to the world premiere of Tomb Raider in Westwood. Whoo!

A 10-page paper for my 1960s American history class is due Friday and what am I doing Thursday night? Going to a free Travis show at the Virgin Megastore on Sunset. Whoo!

Thursday June 14, TRL has three special guests for you: Tony Hawk, Ricky Martin, and…Macaulay Culkin.

Okay, I shall study now.

Blink and You'll Miss It

The June 12 release of Blink-182's new album, Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, will take up shelf space in four different versions. In addition to a standard release with the basic track list, three separate incarnations of the CD will feature three distinct bonus tracks thrown in as a little surprise.

What are the names of the secret tunes? Try "Fuck a Dog in the Ass," "Mother's Day" and "When You Fucked Hitler." If your eyebrows went up on that last one especially, the guys must have picked up on such a reaction. Although reported as an initial choice, plans to tack on "When You Fucked Hitler" have apparently been dumped by the trio and an alternative treat will be issued.

Album covers won't convey which bonus Blink ditty is included, only whether or not they contain one, making distribution of the extra songs disappointingly anonymous for fans attempting to dig up everything by Mark, Tom and Travis. The jokesters' CDs with bonus tracks will also be distinguishable by parental advisory stickers.

Shuck That Corn

Ever have one of the moments when you're taking a test that you studied endlessly for and your mind just goes blank on a question? It's really annoying.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now one non-cumulative blue book final and a 10-page paper away from salvation. Whoo! (That's right. I'm appropriating the catch phrase "whoo" from Kurt Angle and Ric Flair. You got a problem with that?) Whoo!

A few brief announcements before we continue: Next Wednesday, I will have a little graduation present for the class of 2001. Also, I updated the concert calendar to include the KROQ Weenie Roast and the U.S. All Tomorrow's Parties engagement curated by Sonic Youth. Finally, go Sixers! I know, that sounds kinda pathetic coming from a guy who doesn't know jack about sports, but I watched game 1 of the NBA Finals and it is the opinion of this writer that Ahmad Rashad needs a haircut.

So now then.

What did I learn during my freshman year of college?

Asians don't use birth control.

Calculus blows.

Dining halls love to serve pasta.

Drunk kids are never funnier than when they're stoned.

Every time is nap time.

Folding a polo shirt is harder than it seems.

Handicapped people should not ride the bus.

Not having to do homework over winter break rules.

People know when you're jacking off in the shower.

Pizza for every meal isn't as ridiculous as it sounds.

TAs don't need to speak English to be hired.

There is no such thing as a rough draft.

UCLA and Hurley clothing make up 85% of the collective student population wardrobe.

You shouldn't drink a Molotov cocktail.

And finally…

You like your parents a lot more when you don't have to see them every day. I remember going home for winter break and discovering that Stephanie Chen's little sister had somehow told my mom that I had naked women (the Thanksgiving Special header) and other blasphemous content on my website. I was like, "Oh shit!" But you know what my mom had to say to me? "Just be careful." That's so cool, especially in the aftermath of "the incident." Gotta love Asian parents.

I realized last night that I am a real asshole to women. You know, it's not good idea to call a girl a "nagging cunt" and then refer to her mom as a "smelly Armenian whore," even if you're just joking around. For some reason, women choose to take me seriously. One thing you have to understand though about Jonathan Yu is that 99% of what comes out of my mouth is bullshit.

"Lois, that's why God invented breasts. So we could have something to look at while you're talking." • how Peter Griffin gets in trouble with women

"I just can't figure out this stupid sex with their two stupid X chromosomes." • how Jonathan Yu gets in trouble with women

I need charm, the kind of charm that all British men exude. Somebody should find a way to bottle that English charm and mass produce it. One day, I hope to be able to go to the local Costco and see giant bottles of imported charm sitting on the shelf next to oversized cans of concentrated sleep and bulk packages of Maruchan's Instant Orgasm.

In the news, a Los Angeles jury ordered tobacco giant Philip Morris to pay more than $3 billion to a lifelong smoker, the largest single individual award in a case against the industry. He was diagnosed in 1999 with lung cancer, which has spread to his lymph nodes, back, and brain. He took up cigarettes in 1957 at age 13 and was smoking at least two packs of Marlboros every day for more than 40 years.

So this is how it's gonna be, huh? Well, in that case…Jae Min, did I ever tell you that you're my bestest friend? Oh it's true, it's true.

I feel like giving away some money. Introducing Jonathan Yu's Money, Cash & Hoes Game! Over the next 100 days, I will post a different album cover on the website every day. At the end of the 100 days, I will then give you an e-mail address where you can send your answer list. The objective is simple: identify the most album covers (artist and title of record) and win $1 for each correct answer. The album covers will be archived.

go • bush or chimp?
go • curry
go • hardware (and software) destruction haven
go • puppetry of the penis
go • wigger of the week

How can we improve this website? (out of 182 votes)
bring back the fake headlines • 125 votes • 69%
get off your ass and finish Wrestlepalooza, dammit! • 4 votes • 2%
more about your pathetic life • 16 votes • 9%
more about pop culture • 12 votes • 7%
more graphics • 1 vote • 1%
nude ping-pong playing cheerleaders • 3 votes • 2%
it's perfect as it is • 21 votes • 21%
You want fake headlines? Go watch Entertainment Tonight.

Ass of 2000

Whoa. Has it been a year already? A year to this day, in fact. June 5, 2000: the day the whole world went away.

"Jon, I am deeply hurt by what you did. You betrayed me."

What would transpire in the days to come turned my body into a crucible of frustration and resentment. Happiness was on sabbatical.

"Jon Yu disgusts me. Everything about him just disgusts me. I can't even look at him while I'm saying this."

365 days later, I'm still talking about "the incident." How can I possibly live it down? How can I possibly forget all those hours Riddell spent sifting through my collective work and pointing out every single thing he found offensive? How can I possibly brush off having to justify my writing by saying, "I thought it would be funny"? How can I possibly ignore my near indictment on charges of sexual harassment and terrorism or being told that were I to walk at graduation, I would have to arrive an hour early so the cops could strip search me?

"Who knows more about journalism? Some troublemaking high school student, or a man who spent 18 years working for the Los Angeles Times?"

I don't give a damn about my reputation, but there's something about that week that made me care, if only because I was forced into such an awkward position. Coming off a great weekend high, having pulled off the most successful student-directed one-act play in the history of my school, they grabbed a hold of my balls and never let go. I don't know what's more embarrassing: being escorted to your physics final or watching your mom translate "big throbbing erection" into Chinese so she can understand it.

"Do you know what Neely said to me this morning? He said, 'You really fucked up this time, Jose.' I have never seen him that serious before."

If I ever become famous, the tabloids are going to have a field day. A writer from the local paper actually called me up and wanted to do a piece about me in conjunction with the ACLU. Nothing ever came of it, though. I made up a bullshit account absolving the administration from blame in an effort to quarantine the situation.

"Dewar's hurting. Badly. The admin is totally coming down on her. I told her to come to Los Altos with me but she said she couldn't because of everything she had going on here."

The rest is a blur. I remember writing apology letters that were apparently circulated among the staff and probably not well-received. Knowing me, I have a hard time sounding sincere, and looking back on those letters, I wouldn't believe myself.

"You know, to tell you the truth, I thought parts of your column were really funny."

To this day, I keep wondering, "What if?" What if I had picked another teacher? A man, even. Would he or she have taken the joke with stride? What if Columbine had never happened? Would they have believed me then when I said that a firing squad at graduation was merely an absurdist punchline inspired by Tombstone Pizza commercials and not a disturbing fantasy of mine? Do I look like Lee Harvey Oswald? I can't even fire a water gun properly, let alone KILL A TEACHER.

What if the "thank you" list had been published? I would've been fucked.

If you have no clue as to what this post is referring to, be glad. Be glad that you didn't have to put up with me beating a dead horse over and over for a whole year. I've never really let it go. Yet, I've never really told the whole story to many people either. I considered posting a detailed account of those seven days, but thought better of it. Nobody cares about my pathetic feuds, and frankly, I don't think I do anymore. Maybe someday I'll chronicle my senior year of high school in a movie (hint hint). Until then, it's time for me to grow up.

Andy Paul told me something last year that I'll never forget: "When you're in high school, everything is a bigger deal than it should be." What can I say? He was right. I can't go through life hating people who exist only as fading memories in my head. I'm beyond therapy. And so, it is with a heavy heart that today I retire my senior year enemies (basically, the cast of the Wrestlepalooza 15-person battle royal) as comic fodder. No more will I bring their names up again. As for Adam Riff™, Rory Brown, and Josh Karlinvore-Resnick, I'm not quite done with them. Hopefully, they'll be good sports and not try to grab a hold of my balls and never let go.

Unlike my peers, I never wanted to leave high school. That is, until June 5. Due to the efforts of my (former) nemesis Paige Price, I couldn't have been more happier to get out of that place. It's simply coincidence that my page number in the 2000 MVHS yearbook index is "DNE" (does not exist) and my bio in the spring 2000 MVHS literary magazine says that I died the day after graduation. Touché.

You could say that Jonathan Yu's [insert title here] was an irrational response to my suspension. I was pissed. I e-mailed Nadia. Next thing you know, I'm talking smack online. Whoo!

I'm always experimenting here with the website. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't. I'd like to know what you think. Take the poll. Help me help you. Further comments can be directed to me Rory (H.) at

Now, I'm going to disappear for awhile. Sorry, Alex, but the end-of-the-year UC Fudgepacking Fortnight is upon me, and I must devote my energy to the cause. I promise to update as usual, but I'm not guaranteeing anything spectacular, spectacular. Thank you. This has been the super announcement.

go • the erection collection
go • kick ups football game
go • perpetual bubblewrap
go • smelly poop
go • word search for morons

What highway should Jonathan Yu adopt? (out of 47 votes)
5 • 4 votes • 9%
61 • 2 vote • 4%
101 • 27 votes • 56%
to hell • 15 votes • 31%
It's settled. I shall own the west coast.

Away Message

John Malkovich was born in Evanston, Illinois.

Radiohead's new record Amnesiac and the WWF Wrestlemania X-Seven DVD hit stores on Tuesday.

Okay, I'm off to the Shrine Auditorium to attend the 2001 MTV Movie Awards (yes, I got tickets). If you catch the show on Thursday and see security kicking somebody out for harassing Weezer, The Rock, or Britney Spears, it'll probably be me.

Mutually Assured Destruction

Fuck me. It's June already. One more year closer to responsibility.

My brother is graduating from elementary school in two weeks. Can you believe it? I am so old.

I am an 18-year-old Asian boy who doesn't know how to use chopsticks.

I despise graduation. All three of my graduations so far (elementary, middle, high) have been tainted by controversy. And I get to re-live all the fun again with my brother.

My biggest fear is that six years from now, I'll be standing on the Mountain View High School football field watching my brother graduate and have nothing to look back on. At the age of 24, death will be just around the corner, and I don't want to die amidst the flocks of anonymous masses in the world. I want to go down in history, dammit!

But what has my legacy been so far? Sucking ass at little league baseball and eating – paste, chicken, tape, staples, puppy chow…pizza. Oh, and there's also the time I got caught for copying entire paragraphs out of Cliff's Notes and incorporating them into my final paper for 8th grade English class.

Even in the context of a formal graduation speech (and I was technically mentioned in three), people seemed to remember me as a complete fuckhead. Jonathan Yu was the dope who worked out a lame comedy routine for Elmer, downed 40 chicken McNuggets and six rolls of scotch tape, and went around telling other people that they weren't funny. Makes you all warm and tingly inside, doesn't it?

I am a golden god.

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