Chivalry Timbre

My daddy's in Los Angeles for a conference, so we had dinner together last night. Sushi, to be exact. Gotta love sushi bars. The place we visited had barracuda as an offering. Hey…barracuda! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

When I was in China, I saw a sushi bar that offered horse sashimi. Damn. Where do the Japanese get off on what they will or will not eat raw? Next thing you know, they'll be eating bears. To their credit though, Japanese restaurants have the sweetest fruit. Where do they find those delicious strawberries and oranges?

Somebody I don't know is perpetuating the rumor that my goal in life is to be a Jewish wrestler, and I don't like it. While the rumor is absolutely true, I just don't like it when people talk about me behind my back. I want to talk about myself, thank you very much.

There are only three things in this world that I am afraid of:

1 • Clowns. Who isn't scared of clowns?

2 • Rollercoasters. I never went on any junior high or high school trips to amusement parks because the combination of speed, height, and jerky movement that a rollercoaster entails scared the shit outta me. Granted, I have, on occasion, been forced onto rollercoasters, but not without a whole lotta cowering on my part. In fact, I cried for a half hour and then threw up after riding the Matterhorn at Disneyland…last year. So now you know. If you ever wanna torture me for any reason, drag me onto a rollercoaster, especially one with loops and harnesses instead of seats. Space Mountain is my Achilles' heel.

3 • Rooming With People. Now, this may sound like a pretty ridiculous fear to have, but let me explain:

I snore like a yak in distress.

Yes, folks, I snore, and have a sordid history of disturbing other people's good night's rest with my snoring. At science camp in sixth grade, the guys I was rooming with seriously considered shoving a sock in my mouth. My snoring is so bad, my roommate fuckin' wears earplugs to sleep! Talk about a self-esteem killer.

I've always been secretly envious of people who can sleep quietly, which is basically everybody. Wherever I go, I seem to be the only person who snores, and it is for this very matter that I deliberately keep myself awake on plane flights and bus rides. Years of frequenting AMC movie theaters have taught me that "silence is golden."

It doesn't help that I mouth breathe. It's great to wake up with morning breath plus! I suppose this could account for why I snore so loudly. I also sleep on my back. Now, I realize that sleeping on your back facilitates snoring and you're supposed to sleep on your side to mitigate the noise level, but alas, I can't. Why? Because in order to breathe, my mouth is open, and when I sleep on my side…I drool. All over the place. There are days when I wake up and my entire upper body is awash in damp jizz drool. Ladies, come and get me.

The situation has gotten so bad that I'm thinking about duct taping my mouth shut before I go to bed. Help.

Here's some music trivia for you: *NSYNC's new single "Pop" was produced by BT, America's answer to Fatboy Slim. What's more, the song was co-written by Wade Robson, the infamous ten-year-old kid who allegedly climbed into bed with Michael Jackson back in 1993.

*NSYNC has a lotta nerve naming their new song "Pop." It can't be much longer until Paul Simon releases his new single "Unlistenable."

Another reason why my school is better than your school (courtesy of Ogre):

"UCLA makes it hard for me to live day-to-day life in San Francisco. How can I go back to the girls at my school after visiting the UCLA campus today? My god, even the most semi-ugly girl was about ten times hotter than any chick at my school. I can't understand how my friends at UCLA can concentrate on anything when every other girl that walks by is freakin' cute. They say it's because they're used to it, and they see all these girls everyday. Bastards."

go • bibleman
go • men who look like kenny rogers
go • nizzmo2k: gnomes unite
go • the toilet
go • the world's only ass-kicking machine

What tragic event should get the Hollywood treatment next? (out of 18 votes)
Black Death • 3 votes • 17%
Columbine Shooting • 13 votes • 72%
Irish Potato Famine • 1 vote • 6%
My Lai Massacre • 1 vote • 6%
I don't know whether I should be scared or not.

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