Chivalry Timbre

My daddy's in Los Angeles for a conference, so we had dinner together last night. Sushi, to be exact. Gotta love sushi bars. The place we visited had barracuda as an offering. Hey…barracuda! Sorry, I couldn't resist.

When I was in China, I saw a sushi bar that offered horse sashimi. Damn. Where do the Japanese get off on what they will or will not eat raw? Next thing you know, they'll be eating bears. To their credit though, Japanese restaurants have the sweetest fruit. Where do they find those delicious strawberries and oranges?

Somebody I don't know is perpetuating the rumor that my goal in life is to be a Jewish wrestler, and I don't like it. While the rumor is absolutely true, I just don't like it when people talk about me behind my back. I want to talk about myself, thank you very much.

There are only three things in this world that I am afraid of:

1 • Clowns. Who isn't scared of clowns?

2 • Rollercoasters. I never went on any junior high or high school trips to amusement parks because the combination of speed, height, and jerky movement that a rollercoaster entails scared the shit outta me. Granted, I have, on occasion, been forced onto rollercoasters, but not without a whole lotta cowering on my part. In fact, I cried for a half hour and then threw up after riding the Matterhorn at Disneyland…last year. So now you know. If you ever wanna torture me for any reason, drag me onto a rollercoaster, especially one with loops and harnesses instead of seats. Space Mountain is my Achilles' heel.

3 • Rooming With People. Now, this may sound like a pretty ridiculous fear to have, but let me explain:

I snore like a yak in distress.

Yes, folks, I snore, and have a sordid history of disturbing other people's good night's rest with my snoring. At science camp in sixth grade, the guys I was rooming with seriously considered shoving a sock in my mouth. My snoring is so bad, my roommate fuckin' wears earplugs to sleep! Talk about a self-esteem killer.

I've always been secretly envious of people who can sleep quietly, which is basically everybody. Wherever I go, I seem to be the only person who snores, and it is for this very matter that I deliberately keep myself awake on plane flights and bus rides. Years of frequenting AMC movie theaters have taught me that "silence is golden."

It doesn't help that I mouth breathe. It's great to wake up with morning breath plus! I suppose this could account for why I snore so loudly. I also sleep on my back. Now, I realize that sleeping on your back facilitates snoring and you're supposed to sleep on your side to mitigate the noise level, but alas, I can't. Why? Because in order to breathe, my mouth is open, and when I sleep on my side…I drool. All over the place. There are days when I wake up and my entire upper body is awash in damp jizz drool. Ladies, come and get me.

The situation has gotten so bad that I'm thinking about duct taping my mouth shut before I go to bed. Help.

Here's some music trivia for you: *NSYNC's new single "Pop" was produced by BT, America's answer to Fatboy Slim. What's more, the song was co-written by Wade Robson, the infamous ten-year-old kid who allegedly climbed into bed with Michael Jackson back in 1993.

*NSYNC has a lotta nerve naming their new song "Pop." It can't be much longer until Paul Simon releases his new single "Unlistenable."

Another reason why my school is better than your school (courtesy of Ogre):

"UCLA makes it hard for me to live day-to-day life in San Francisco. How can I go back to the girls at my school after visiting the UCLA campus today? My god, even the most semi-ugly girl was about ten times hotter than any chick at my school. I can't understand how my friends at UCLA can concentrate on anything when every other girl that walks by is freakin' cute. They say it's because they're used to it, and they see all these girls everyday. Bastards."

go • bibleman
go • men who look like kenny rogers
go • nizzmo2k: gnomes unite
go • the toilet
go • the world's only ass-kicking machine

What tragic event should get the Hollywood treatment next? (out of 18 votes)
Black Death • 3 votes • 17%
Columbine Shooting • 13 votes • 72%
Irish Potato Famine • 1 vote • 6%
My Lai Massacre • 1 vote • 6%
I don't know whether I should be scared or not.

This greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Freudian Slip – a declaration in which you say one thing when you mean your mother.

Pearl Harbor – shit. overly-long, predictable shit.

Notes on Pearl Harbor:

Oh Pearl Harbor, which movies do you steal from? Let me count the flicks: Titanic, Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line, Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, Cast Away, Armageddon. And these are only the influences I can think of off the top of my head.

The preview for Lord Of The Rings aired before the movie and dude, Elijah Wood may be 20 years old, but he still looks woefully beyond underage.

The Pearl Harbor attack scene had nothing to do with the rest of the movie. It stood as a completely separate entity in this two-and-a-half-hour fiasco. I mean, the first quarter of the movie set up a love triangle only to ignore it altogether during the attack sequence and haphazardly try to resolve it later.

At the end of the PH attack, there's a guy wearing a UCLA Bruins hat. Suck it, Cal.

Director Michael Bay had no idea when to end this fuckin' movie and as a result, I was subjected to an extra hour of resolution bullshit and another attack scene (the Doolittle raid) for the climax which, strangely enough, was more reminiscent of the VIETNAM WAR.

I'm very tolerant of historical inaccuracy in movies. Gladiator, for one, got the whole thumbs-up, thumbs-down meaning reversed and I didn't mind. However, to claim that Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett singlehandedly fought off the Japanese during the PH attack is wrong in so many ways.

I loved how whenever the Japanese appeared on screen, ethnic theme music that screamed "we are Japanese" played in the background. I also loved how the movie compensated for any "offensive" material with a lesson in morality. When a Japanese military officer is deemed "brilliant" for machinating the surprise attack, he responds, "A brilliant man would find a way not to fight a war." Really…I did not know that.

With all due respect to Jon Voight, the movie made Franklin Delano Roosevelt look like an idiot. You have to be really schlocky to make my favorite president look bad. Nixon…is fair game. But FDR? C'mon!

All those Saturday Night Live hosting stints must have gone to Alec Baldwin's head. It's impossible to take this guy seriously anymore. The audience kept laughing Baldwin because his acting was just so terrible. I think Randall Wallace, the writer of the movie, must have scoured through all the wartime propaganda he could find, copied all the good lines, and rearranged them to come up with Baldwin's dialogue. I swear to God, Baldwin actually says, "We may lose the battle, but we'll win the war."

I'm going to the 2001 MTV Movie Awards next Saturday! Weezer! Dave Matthews Band (again)! The "Lady Marmalade" burlesque girls! Whoo!

What should Jonathan Yu's wrestling name be? (out of 59 votes)
Creatine • 0 votes • 0%
Donovan Woo • 22 votes • 37%
"Macho" Nacho Gazpacho • 8 votes • 14%
Mr. Resyster • 1 vote • 2%
The Short-Order Gook • 28 votes • 47%
Gooks are Korean. Racists.

My Teacher Is an Alien

It's Bob Dylan's 60th birthday, and we're throwing a little party for him! Now, I realize that Miles Davis' 75th anniversary is this Saturday and he deserves a party too. But he's is dead, so who cares?

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention please. I have something profound to say about Dylan. Okay, I lied. I don't have anything profound to say about Dylan. Let's have Entertainment Weekly speak for me:

On May 24, Bob Dylan leaves his 50s behind. Now, we could use this event to indulge in a pensive essay pondering his cultural importance and what it means to his generation that he's five years shy of collecting Social Security checks. On this august occasion, however, we chose to imagine what the world would have been like without him. Have an extra piece of cake on us, Bobby.

• Dylan's boyhood home, Hibbing, Minn., still best known for housing the world's largest open pit iron mine.

• Without Dylan introducing them to pot, the Beatles never make the under the influence Sgt. Pepper. Rock never aims for high art; fans lose out on years of concept albums, elaborate orchestrations, head tripping cover art, and XTC homages.

• The Byrds never score a breakout smash with "Mr. Tambourine Man" and remain an L.A. bar band. Disillusioned, cofounder David Crosby quits the biz; CSNY never exist.

• Donovan goes electric at 1965 Newport Folk Festival; controversial performance gives birth to rabid cult known as Donovanologists.

• College students forced to write papers analyzing lyrics of Procol Harum songs ("'Conquistador' as Metaphor").

• Dylan's ode to Mob thug Joey Gallo, "Joey," never written. Mafia chic never kicks in; The Sopranos still a gleam in David Chase's eye.

• Without being immortalized on the cover of "Before the Flood," the idea of requesting encores by flicking lighters fails to catch fire. Forever after, concerts end on time.

• Steely Dan's first album, Can't Buy a Thrill (line nicked from "It Takes a Lot to Laugh, It Takes a Train to Cry"), instead called Do It Again and Other Hits.

• All rock stars required to sing on key in order to land record deals; hence, Neil Young, Lou Reed, Leonard Cohen, John Prine, Kris Kristofferson, J. Mascis, and Jennifer Lopez never make it.

• Rubin "Hurricane" Carter still in jail, but his license plates rule in Cell Block B.

• Radical leftist group the Weathermen (from a line in "Subterranean Homesick Blues") resort to calling themselves Disillusioned Hippies Who Like to Blow Shit Up.

• The Band, still called the Hawks, have a regular gig at "Rockabilly Oldies Night" at the Stagger Inn in a Toronto suburb.

• Bruce Springsteen pens concise, straightforward lyrics for early songs; dubbed the New Donovan by the press.

• White guy Afro popularized by Dylan never catches on. Don Henley, Lindsey Buckingham, and two members of At the Drive-In stuck in crew cut phase for years.

• "The Ballad of Frankie Lee and Judas Priest" never written; at a loss for a name, young British metal band of the '80s resorts to calling itself A Flock of Halfords.

• The New Dylans just called the Dylans.

• At 1998 Grammy telecast, Soy Bomb leaps on stage to interrupt performance by Shawn Mullins. No one notices.

• Instead of Forever Young, Mel Gibson calls his 1992 movie What I Would Look Like Old.

• Traveling Wilburys announce original lineup: George Harrison, Roy Orbison, Tom Petty, Jeff Lynne, and…Donovan.

• The Wallflowers fronted by Sean Lennon.

• Counting Crows never write "Mr. Jones" (from a line in "Ballad of a Thin Man") and thereby fail to achieve fame. World spared Adam Duritz's whining about pitfalls of rock stardom.

• Dylan not around to legitimize Christian rock during his "born again" phase. World spared pompous altar grunge of Creed. In news that reshapes the cosmos, God thanks us.

So now then.

One of my uncles died yesterday. HOORAY!

I'm sorry. Did I just say "hooray"? What I meant to say was, "May he rest in peace."

Notes on the Dave Matthews Band show at Dodger Stadium on May 22, 2001:

There's really nothing quite like gettin' high in a shitty baseball stadium.

I kinda feel sorry for the bass player. Everybody's always cheering for the saxophone player and the violinist. But the bass player, he's just…a bass player. I bet you he stands on stage thinking, "Dude, I'm a bass prodigy. I joined this band when I was sixteen. Why aren't you fuckin' cheering for me? Stop cheering for the black guys! Stop cheering when Matthews gets all intense and shit! Cheer for me, dammit!"

It's nice to know that the band is in a position nowadays where their song catalog is extensive enough so that they don't have to play all their biggest hits ("Crash Into Me") in concert and can instead fill up half of their set with new material that elicits tepid responses from the audience.

John Popper joined the band for "What Would You Say" and boy, has he lost weight! I wasn't sure whether I was looking at John Popper on stage or Calista Flockhart with sideburns in a fedora and Gap clothes playing the harmonica.

Dave Matthews' foot shuffle will go down in music history as one of the most fascinating performance-enhancers, along with Thom Yorke's neck wobble and Stephan Jenkins' face.

DMB made custom t-shirts for the San Francisco shows. Where were the custom t-shirts for the Los Angeles show? Oh, that's right. We're not worthy.

People still think that "All Along The Watchtower" was written by Jimi Hendrix. For the last time, the author of "Watchtower" is none other than Mr. Bob Dylan.

Confessions of a Kleptomaniac

Hey, I'm back! Sorry about my lapse into reverse senioritis. I had a bad case of hemorrhoids, and it's really quite difficult to sit at your computer for long periods of time when your anus is swelling.

Wrestlepalooza version 2.0 is up. Part 3 of the show has been posted and parts 1 and 2 have been edited to include wrestling move footnote definitions for the uninclined plus never-before-seen material including a lame backstage interview with Josh "the carnivore" Karlin-Resnick himself.

In the brand-spanking-new Goodies department, we have secured not one, but four MPEG videos of "child beatings" for you to enjoy, courtesy of our friend Intek. Watch as Intek beats his brother silly. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll come to the conclusion that Intek is one sadistic motherfucker. Also, due to limited server space (I know, Geocities sucks. I'm gonna switch servers when my contract expires this summer.), former goodies are no longer available online. They were dropped to make room for the "child beatings" series. However, there's a list of former goodies on the Goodies page, along with Rory's e-mail address and IMSN, so you can harass him for old shit, and he'll gladly send it to you.

Now, let's talk about me some more.

I opened the Daily Bruin on Friday to see that one of the feature editorials was entitled "Ladies, it's high time you became friends with your clitoris." What happened to reparations for slavery?

I went to see Moulin Rouge on Friday and never have I been surrounded by so many gay men, if you discount my little tryst with the UCLA marching band.

Dave Matthews Band tonight, if traffic actually moves!

I was giving a special housing tour for Academic Advancement Program students on Saturday and I kinda got lost. While trying to find my way, a guy in my group asked me what my major was. I told him that I was undeclared. His response? "Oh, you must really be lost then."

This is how bad of a son I am. My mother had surgery to excise a tumor in her neck last Thursday, and I just found out about it on Sunday.

I was watching Wheel Of Fortune last night and I realized that it has been on television for a long ass time. Do you know that Pat Sajak has hosted the show for over a third of his life? A third of his life! For God's sake, the guy's 55 and he doesn't look a day older than he did when he began hosting the show in the mid-1970s. I swear, Pat Sajak is a fuckin' robot, a creepy, creepy robot, like Christine Todd Whitman.

And what is Vanna White still doing on Wheel Of Fortune? She's obviously not there for her looks anymore, and nowadays, she's doesn't even turn the letters. Her job, if you can call it that, is to push buttons on computer monitors and clap. Here's an idea: why not have the computer monitors reveal the letters?

Comedian Denis Leary has a bit where he explains why Jeopardy always precedes Wheel Of Fortune in that after getting your ass kicked playing along with Jeopardy, you can feel like a genius playing along with Wheel Of Fortune.

"The board reads 'M_SS_SS_PP_' and the contestant goes, 'Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel.' Dumbass."

What happened to Wheel Of Fortune? When did it become the celebration of the 'tards? I remember when it used to be simple – three categories (person, place, thing) and one objective (solve the puzzle). Today, Wheel Of Fortune is a gimmicky mess, with this "jackpot" and "puzzler" shit, and ridiculous themes like "racial slur" and "Hindi pick-up line." What's more, the wheel itself looks all mangled and shit with the barrage of special slots the producers have jammed onto it. What's up with that?

It bugs me how the dopes on Wheel Of Fortune can win a shitload of money when contestants on actual quiz shows like Jeopardy and Millionaire struggle to win half the Wheel's payoff. I've always said that the best game show on television is Hollywood Squares because all you have to do is say "I agree" or "I disagree," and you can walk away ten times richer.

Somewhere out there, Merv Griffin is having a good laugh. Who knew a live-action version of Hangman could be so profitable?

There are two, count 'em, two homeless guys in Westwood. Bum number one is an Irish guy who walks around town listening to his Walkman and approaching passersby with the same phrase EVERY TIME: "Excuse me, can I get some money to buy a hamburger at McDonald's?" First of all, there is no McDonald's in Westwood, and secondly, subsisting on hamburgers alone can't possibly be good for your health. Bum number two is a black guy whose strategy is to get all chummy-chummy with you, you know, comment on how perfect a couple you and your loved one make, and THEN hit you up for money. Folks, this is what I have to deal with when I roam around Westwood with my girlfri…never mind.

Why is it that you always push a door to get into a public restroom and pull to get out? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

There are a lot of funny guys in the world named Adam Epstein.

Wheel Of Links:
go • belt sander drag racing
go • arrest a friend
go • differences in the male and female orgasm
go • girls with braces
go • hollywood 48 hour miracle diet
go • how to good-bye depression
go • lucky
go • nori
go • pac-man is about racism
go • a prince in search of a princess
go • a self-test for cocaine addiction
go • send me to the university of washington
go • stupid roommate tricks

Who the fuck is Adam Riff™? (out of 248 votes)
a senior at Palo Alto High School • 1 vote • 0%
your mom • 6 votes • 2%
a robot (his love is real, but he is not) • 32 votes • 13%
Jonathan Yu's porn star name • 205 votes • 82%
MY HERO! • 5 votes • 2%
Well, at least we know that Adam Riff™ is definitely NOT a senior at Palo Alto High School.


Tickets for the WWF Summerslam 2001 pay-per-view at the Compaq Center in San Jose on Sunday August 19 go on sale Saturday May 26. It is expected to be The Rock's first PPV after a lengthy "suspension" allowing him to film The Scorpion King (the prequel to The Mummy), due out next summer.

Weezer will perform live at the 2001 MTV Movie Awards on Thursday June 7 along with the Dave Matthews Band and the "Lady Marmalade" quartet of Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mýa, and Pink.

Eminem and Marilyn Manson have paired up to record a hard rock version of "The Way I Am," a song originally featured on the former's sophomore album The Marshall Mathers LP. No release date has yet been announced.

Celine Dion has committed to a three-year, 600-show engagement at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, to debut in March 2003. She will perform in a theatrical presentation directed by Franco Dragone (Cirque du Soleil) at a 4,000-seat venue designed like the Roman Coliseum and built especially for her show.

You Don't Know Jap

There's nothing more satisfying in the world than hearing a white guy say that he's sorry.

Every year during Memorial Day weekend, Hollywood throws the American public a big budget summer behemoth to eat up, and we do, no matter how bad the movie actually is. In fact, The Lost World: Jurassic Park 2 set a record opening gross of $90 million during this very weekend in 1997. No other holiday has such drawing power, with the exception of maybe Independence Day.

Now, I'm no better than the rest of America in resisting the temptation of the "Memorial Day movie." I'll admit to camping out for tickets and good seats to sub-par fare like Godzilla and Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace. What can I say? I love summer spectacles.

But there's something about this Pearl Harbor movie that seems…wrong.

Maybe it's the fact that the movie was made by the producing team of Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer. Or maybe it's just a bad idea to sensationalize history, especially tragic history. Then again, Titanic went on to win the Oscar® for "best picture."

True, a shitload of World War II movies have come and gone over the years without much fuss, but most of them had actual points to make about war, even the weaker ones like Saving Private Ryan. Pearl Harbor, according to Bruckheimer, "uses the tragedy as the backdrop for a passionate [love] triangle. The Japanese surprise attack only takes up about 40 minutes of the film's two-and-a-half-hour running time." Using a natural disaster as the setting of a love story is one thing. Using a day that will live in 'famy is another.

It doesn't help that the Pearl Harbor ad campaign plays up the war aspect of the movie and not the romance that Bruckheimer oh so wants to emphasize. Everywhere you go – on buses, at bus stops, on billboards, plastered to sides of office buildings – you see paintings of scenes from the movie. One such scene shows a woman outside doing her laundry while planes loom above. We're supposed to react by hating the Japanese who are about to ruin this poor innocent woman's life.

What's more, Disney went the distance to fashion other ads reminiscent of 1940s war propaganda, encouraging citizens everywhere to "join the fight!" First off, World War II ended a long time ago, and secondly, I'm all for patriotism, but do we really need to rekindle anti-Asian sentiment, especially after the recent spy plane incident?

Marketing hoopla over Pearl Harbor reached all the way to the U.S. Senate last week, when an ethics committee nixed a studio plan for a special Who Wants to Be a Millionaire episode in which stars from the movie and several war veteran politicians (including Bob Dole and John McCain) would appear as contestants, playing for the World War II Memorial fund. For once, Congress does something right.

The movie trailer would have us believe that "it was the end of innocence, and the dawn of a nation's greatest glory." Let us not forget that four years after this attack, the U.S. bombed the fuck out of Japan…twice…with NUCLEAR WEAPONS…killing 40 times as many people as the Japanese did at Pearl Harbor. Let us also not forget the thousands of Japanese U.S. immigrants who were stripped of their property and forced into internment camps in southwest America. Glory, my ass.

And that there's the problem with Pearl Harbor. The movie gets you caught up in its distortion of history before you have time to take in the full awfulness of what it is it has you caught up in. It's no mere coincidence that Martin Sheen, the fake POTUS, does the voice-overs for the movie's television commercials. I don't think Disney realizes the key difference between the Pacific and European WWII theaters: the Jews didn't avenge their loss by irrationally killing a bunch of Germans. Thus, Spielberg has a right to demonize the enemy.

Given all I've said, on May 25, you'll still find me at the local movieplex, waiting in line to consume the wonderful world of Disney. So I'm a hypocrite. Hey, it beats watching ASC presentations on tape.

I caught the West Wing season finale last night, and I have to say, it was kind of a disappointment. Re-election just isn't as exciting as a shooting. Plus, the episode featured a ridiculously relentless assault of Aaron Sorkin clichés: body gestures, flashbacks, rain, religion, and the obligatory sharp-tongued monologue. I thought the most interesting part of the show was the commercials. They ran one for Spielberg's new movie A.I., in which Haley Joel Osment plays a robot. What a stretch. There was a plug for Extra too that said (get this), "O.J. Simpson speaks out on the Blake murder. Next Extra." Beautiful.

In other news, Michael Stipe is gay, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were added to the Wango Tango lineup, and everybody else is fuckin' done with school. Argh!

go • cleavage creations
go • delinquent photo album
go • a listing of families looking for wives
go • meet an inmate
go • tg krunch bowl

Which California newspaper sucks the most? (out of 13 votes)
Los Angeles Times • 0 votes • 0%
Campa Palo Alto Daily News • 10 votes • 71%
San Francisco Examiner • 2 votes • 14%
USA Today • 2 votes • 14%
You people have obviously never read the Los Angeles Times, if you read at all.

Like your scrotum, here it is in a nutshell.

I never expected it to get this big. I just wanted to come to terms with the new age and have a website of my own. Look at what it's become. I tell you, this site is gonna be the death of me. I want to have a life, but try as I might, I can't get this monster out of my mind. I have become one with the website. Add on homework, housing tours, and the book for Dewar and you can call it a day. Sometimes, I wonder how I got myself into this mess. To tell you the truth, I don't know when this Wrestlepalooza thing is gonna end. It'll probably drag on well into the summer due to burnout on my part (quality vs. quantity). Why couldn't I have been wise like Colin? All he does is post monologues and he fuckin' gets 10,000 hits a day. I'm lucky if I can pull double-digits. Shit. I don't need this. Everybody reading this, go away. I want the number of hits for my site to drop to zero. I mean it. Piss off! You want funny? Go read The Onion.

Just kidding! Y'all come back now. In fact, come back in troves. I need the attention. My self-esteem is fragile. Please…understand that this website is all I've got. Jancee Dunn left with the baby last week. Help a brother out. Besides, the Onion sucks. And to the contestants of Wrestlepalooza matches that aren't posted by the time school gets out (June 15), I will owe you for the rest of my life. You ever need anything – I mean anything – I'm your man. That's guilt trip Jon for ya.

Colin asked for a links archive. Colin gets one.

Maybe I should play a 5-minute practically-non-speaking role in a big budget summer movie so that all the magazines will put me on their covers and write feature articles about me too.

Two years ago, I saw a stand-up comedian do the following bit. Unfortunately, I don't remember his name. Nonetheless, I thought I should acknowledge that this is his bit and not mine.

Have you ever realized just how dirty Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree is? I know it's a children's book and all, but read it out loud:

Once there was a tree…

and she loved a little boy.

And every day the boy would come

and he would gather her leaves

and make them into crowns and play king of the forest.

He would climb up her trunk

and swing from her branches

and eat apples.

And they would play hide-and-go-seek.

And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade.

And the boy loved the tree…

very much.

And the tree was happy.

go • link of the day!
go • britney spears brought to light
go • chronic candy
go • the second coming project
go • game boy that runs unix
go • the effects of drugs and prostitution
go • dancing with cats
go • why cats paint
go • strange foreign objects in dog feces
go • calculus girls

How would you rate this website? (out of 63 votes)
G • 1 vote • 2%
PG • 0 votes • 0%
PG-13 • 7 votes • 11%
R • 33 votes • 52%
NC-17 • 23 votes • 36%
Damn. Here I was thinking this site was family-friendly.

Could Would Should

Well, The Ataris and Sum 41 didn't perform Friday night. I basically paid $164 to see Blink-182. Luckily, they played a killer show. But still…$164? I have issues.

I called it about a month ago – Weezer will be the musical guest on the season finale of Saturday Night Live. What's more, the host is Christopher Walken, who ringlead one of the best SNL episodes last season. This better be good.

The following story hits close to home, and not just because the person involved is named "Mrs. Dunn." If you know anything about me, you'll know why:

It all started with an inept cover of an Incubus song.

After 14-year-old Derek Dubois' friends laughed at his solo acoustic version of "Pardon Me," he set out to convince them that he actually had some talent.

Dubois, a high school freshman from Cumberland, Rhode Island, wrote and recorded a ribald, Adam Sandler-influenced song in which he graphically imagined a sexual relationship with a young substitute teacher who had taught him English the year before. He called it "The Mrs. Dunn Song" and made it available to the world on Napster, where it's still floating around.

"I wrote the teacher song as a joke to prove to everybody that I can play and write," Dubois said Thursday (May 10). Instead, thanks in part to Napster's peer-to-peer magic, "The Mrs. Dunn Song" led to sexual harassment charges for Dubois and a public war with his high school that shows no sign of ending anytime soon.

"I'm a firm believer in constitutional rights," Joseph M. Nasif Jr., Cumberland's superintendent of schools, said Thursday. "But this student crossed the line when he recorded the song and uploaded it to Napster, knowing it would be available to hundreds, if not thousands, of people."

The teacher, who is now employed full-time at Cumberland High School, became aware of the song in March, about a month after it began circulating. She heard a threatening undertone in the song's explicit fantasies about her: "I'll be the pimp, you be the whore / …When I see you I fall into a rage / I don't really care if you're double my age / …I'm not a stalker, I just like to peep."

She accused Dubois of harassing her, and the honor student was ordered to serve a 10-day suspension.

He served one day and then appealed the decision with the help of his parents and the Rhode Island branch of the American Civil Liberties Union, which says "The Mrs. Dunn Song" is protected by the First Amendment.

Rhode Island's state commissioner of education is reviewing the punishment, with the latest closed hearing in the case scheduled for next week. Both sides say that if the commissioner upholds the suspension, they expect the case to end up in court. But in the meantime, Dubois is back in school.

"We don't believe the school has any authority to punish Derek for something he did on his own time on his own computer," said Steven Brown, executive director of the Rhode Island branch of the ACLU. "We're arguing that what he did was protected by the First Amendment, [and that] it simply is not sexual harassment – it was not directed [toward] the teacher in any way. It was not intended to be used against her."

Dubois wrote a letter of apology to the teacher, explaining that he didn't mean for her to hear the song, but superintendent Nasif says that's not nearly enough. Despite lines like, "Oh, Papa, don't be the preacher / But I'm lusting after my English teacher," the song is no joke, he said.

"I don't know if this young man is capable of carrying out the horrendous sexual threats that are included in his song – therefore I have to assume that he can and do anything in my power to prevent that."

Dubois said he didn't mean to hurt the teacher's feelings and that the song was meant only to make his friends laugh.

But the teacher, whose full name has not been released, is taking a leave of absence from the school because of the song, which she says has caused her so much stress that she's unable to work.

Dubois won't be posting more songs to Napster anytime soon, in any case – his father has taken away his recording equipment and cut off his computer access.

What age group are you in? (out of 12 votes)
18-34 • 12 votes • 75%
Look at me! I'm a hacker! • 4 votes • 25%
I'm on to you, Henry Freedland. Watch it.

Canned Sleep

I paid $164 for tickets to see Blink-182, The Ataris, and Sum 41 at the Hollywood Palladium tonight. I have issues.

I also paid $55 to see Dave Matthews Band and Macy Gray…at Dodger Stadium. Sometimes I just hate Los Angeles because its venues are all so shitty. There's a reason why DMB is playing two nights at Pac Bell Park. Pac Bell Park is not Dodger Stadium.

The XFL is dead. Who saw that coming?

If only SportsCenter was as entertaining as its commercials. The ad with Carrot Top is genius.

Television is on a killing spree lately. First, Assistant D.A. Richard Bey gets shot up on The Practice. Then, Mrs. Landingham wrecks her car on The West Wing. And another one bites the dust on The Sopranos. You can tell when a television series is getting old when they start killing and/or marrying cast members. Hey, somebody should kill the show Friends.

The Real World 10 is in New York City. The Real World 11 is in Chicago. Survivor 3 is in Africa.

Ever get the feeling that when bands make t-shirts, they don't realize that people might actually wear them? Why are so many band t-shirts Jenna Bush ugly?

Blender magazine: If that sad day comes along when Radiohead split up, what do you plan to do in your retirement?
Thom Yorke: Age badly. Follow random pathways in the forest. Smoke a pipe. Become a hermit. Never shave ever again. Take Ecstasy on weekends. Develop a Valium habit. Read the Bible. Go to Tibet. Become an MP (member of Parliament). Change my name. Laugh at economists. Start skanking dancehall style.

The word "festival" can make anything sound interesting. My little brother's attending summer school at Pinewood Private School this year. Now, summer school is inherently not fun. However, Pinewood calls their summer school the "festival of learning," and on a superficial level, that actually sounds kinda cool. The "festival of learning." The "festival of books." The "arts and wine festival." The "festival of Jonathan Yu's sex life."

I was watching MTV2 today and I think Fatboy Slim's highly entertaining "Weapon Of Choice" video has finally been dethroned by the new video for Travis' "Sing." How can you resist a video that features a monkey watching television and a projectile octopus?

I also saw Weezer's new video for "Hash Pipe," or according to the MTV standards department, "H***pipe" (pronounced "ackpipe"). It's sad when you can't mention the title of your song (even in the video ID!) because MTV says so. If you don't know already, you cannot use expletives, derogatives, or references to drugs and violence in a video on MTV. You can however, tell a ho to shake her ass in a thong. I can understand censorship when it's reasonable. You know, "fag"s and "fuck"s – things like that. But for a phrase like "hash pipe"? Give me a break. Note to MTV: Ed Sullivan is dead.

Last summer, I was watching Muchmusic (Canada's version of MTV) and they played the video for Papa Roach's "Last Resort." The song's supposed begin with frontman Coby Dick yelling: "Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort." What I got from the video was: "Cut my life into pieces. [silence]."

I hate hate HATE it when MTV forces artists to mutilate a perfectly good song. I mean, did you know that the actual chorus of Jay-Z's "Can I Get A…" goes "Can I get a fuck you?" as opposed to the MTV-friendly "Can I get a what what?" There are a lot of good songs out there that could have been released as profitable singles/videos if not for the clout of MTV: Eminem's "Drug Ballad," Smash Mouth's "Stoned," and Papa Roach's own "Binge." I often wonder why a pay-television channel like HBO doesn't have a video hour where they play videos uncensored and intact. That'd truly be music television.

1 • "I have found a reason to live"
2 • sympathy for the devil
3 • now that's what I call music!
4 • thanks, Colin
5 • I did not know that
6 • too late…

What is your ethnicity? (out of 150 votes)
white • 110 votes • 73%
other • 40 vote • 27%
Wow. I could lead the Fourth Reich.

The Good Life

when i look in the mirror
i can't believe what i see
tell me who's that funky dude
starin' back at me

I regretfully announce that the non-California leg of the I Hate Annoying British Pansy Rock…And Gnats tour has been cancelled due to extreme fatigue on my part. Between endless public transportation rides, studying for AP tests, and putting on a show every night, my body really took a beating this weekend. Oh, and my mom has a tumor in her neck.

excuse the bitchin'
i shouldn't complain
i should have no feeling
'cause feeling is pain

The fact that I felt like a stranger in a strange land didn't help. Even in my hometown, I kept thinking to myself: "What the fuck are you doing here, Jon? What the fuck are you saying 'hi' to Pat Hyland for? Why the fuck don't you go strangle Paige Price? She's right over there." I'm not exactly known for being a passive guy, but I found myself retreating into this anti-social hole while in the Bay Area, impulsively blowing off people like the Asian Safeway employee who hit on me in the Castro (don't ask) and the toy-gun-owning kid in the cow hat and his little cult gathering outside the Fro-Yo. Better to let Jose go over and get a standing ovation while I speed off in the sanctity of my crappy '85 Thunderbird to nearest the gas station.

Alex Roome had to chase me down. Goddamn Alex Roome just had to see Jon Yu. I felt so awkward, what with him right there with a big smile on his face, gawking at me as if I was some hot chick in a wet bikini. I wanted to say something interesting. I wanted to have a nice conversation with him. I came off sounding like a caveman foreigner.

screw this crap i've had it
i ain't no mr. cool
i'm a pig i'm a dog
so 'scuse me if i drool

I don't deserve this. What did I ever do to become a martyr figure? I got in trouble. Big deal. It happens all the time. In fact, my RA just documented me for "borrowing" a chair from the study lounge. Now I have to go talk to the higher-ups about the ethics of furniture theft. Goodie. Granted, troublemaking begets exposure, but it begins to border on ridiculous when I attend a high school production of Romeo And Juliet and the entire cast knows everything about me (even my personal tongue twister). I mean, Romeo knew who I was. The freshman who played fuckin' Romeo actually came up and talked to me after the show, completely oblivious to the fact that 1) I had never met him before and 2) I am in essence a bad bad man boy. I wasn't sure whether to feel scared or special. [end of coherent portion of post]

Some days, I don't know if I'm the man to save the world. That's my goal in life – to save the world. And if notoriety (good and bad) just happens to come with the job, well then, I guess I'll run with it. Carpe diem. Hey, it could come in handy one day when I want to make a horribly long movie about my life.

The Pathetic Adventures Of Rory Hornblower cast:
Rory Hornblower – unknown
Mrs. Hornblower – Lissa Keigwin
Mr. Hornblower – Ben Stiller
Kathy Dewar – Jane Kaczmarek
Hugh Riddell – Vince McMahon
Matt Neely – Anthony Michael Hall
Diane Tavenner – Molly Ringwald
Andy Paul – Andy Paul
Fat Security Guard – The Rock
More to be announced…

As much as I like to rag on Berkeley, after spending Saturday there, I realized that it is a damn good college town. Here at UCLA, we're stuck with Westwood. Westwood is Menlo Park plus. When I think about it, Berkeley may be the best college town in California. You could argue for Palo Alto, but let's face it, Palo Alto is Menlo Park plus plus.

Does everybody know what time it is? Guilt trip time! Yes, this is the superfluous portion of my post where I apologize to people whom I may have pissed off like the good hypocrite that I am. First off, I have this gut feeling that Adam Riff™ is really upset with me. So Mr. Riff™, if you're reading this, you're welcome to hate me. I'll just pencil you in on the list here between Marilyn Cooney and my roommate Ray. And for 99¢ more, you can supersize your hatred of me to include a free kick in the nuts! Then, there's the inimitable Mr. Eric, who gave me the silent treatment when I met him this weekend. See, I kinda made fun of his taste in music last week. Well, Mr. Eric, in the interest of fairness, I've uploaded my record collection so now YOU can mock MY questionable taste in music. Capiche?

1 • screw Miss Manners
3 • I smell junior college
4 • when regular Yahoo! doesn't cut it
5 • George W. Bush

What stipulation should be added to the cruiserweight championship match? (out of 508 votes)
contestants must be thoroughly intoxicated before match • 279 votes • 55%
nude ping pong playing cheerleaders • 208 votes • 41%
no smoking • 21 votes • 4%
Bar room brawl it is.

You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown…for Me to Poop On!

Don't expect any posts this weekend. I will be on tour in Northern California, away from my wonderful T1 connection, forced to deal with this 56K nonsense. In case you're wondering, the opening night of Jonathan Yu's I Hate Annoying British Pansy Rock…And Gnats tour turned out to be the greatest show ever put on at UCLA, highlighted by an impromptu birthday jam session for The Rock featuring special guests Björk, Bob Dylan, M. Doughty, OutKast, Radiohead, Trent Reznor, Tom Waits, and Weezer. I'll be up in Palo Alto tonight, Mountain View tomorrow, and Berkeley on Saturday.

Who will win (not die) in the gladiator match? (out of 9 votes)
Russell Crowe • 8 votes • 89%
Daniel Palay • 1 vote • 11%
Dr. Phil • 0 votes • 0%
Okay, this poll was lame.

As the commissioner of Wrestlepalooza, I want to add a stipulation to the cruiserweight championship match between Dan Green and Jae Min so that we don't have two midget matches at the event, the other one being the Alex Roome versus Haley Joel Osment submission match. Your feedback is most appreciated.

Fact or Crucifixion?

Total Request Live (TRL) is MTV's flagship program, a daily one-hour music video countdown wherein viewer requests via e-mail and phone lines determine which videos get played. Fun. The following "requests" were sent to TRL on May 2, 2001:

Hey Carson! I luv you man. I also luv rock an' roll! Remember me? Hehehe. Scoobie-doo-wop-bop-a-bing-bang-boom! Yo my name's Jesse Camp and I want my job back 'cause I don't gots no more money and I can't buy me jack and…uh…eh…woooooo! Hehehe.

I wanna request a lobotomy because I don't get cable and that's the only way I can experience what it's like to watch TRL.

I wanna request Britney Spears' "Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know" because even after 36 straight days on the countdown, I still haven't seen the video in its entirety.

I wanna request that Carson Daly stop dressing like a queer.

I wanna request Dream's "This Is Me" because they're great singers and Melissa is sooo hot…and I want to screw her brains out in the back of a Honda Civic…and then piss all over her face…and make her lick peanut butter offa my taint. Wooo!

I wanna request that John Norris do something about that hair of his.

I wanna request Limp Bizkit's "My Way" because I have absolutely no taste in music.

I wanna request that my execution be broadcast live on TRL.

I wanna request O-Town's "All Or Nothing" because I'm a mindless capitalist whore who'll support anything the record companies tell me to, even a boy band deliberately manufactured to exploit people like me.

I wanna request that the teenage girls of America get a life and find something better to do than vote for the same videos every fuckin' day.

I wanna request Sigur Rós' "Svefn G Englar" because I know there's no chance in hell that you guys will actually play it.

I wanna request those two hot chicks sitting behind Carson in room 303 at the Plaza Hotel in 20 minutes.

Woooooooooo! Woooooooooo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Wooooo! Woooooooooo!

Want more? Get Jonathan Yu's Soggy Biscuit 2.

I apologize to Eric (yet another adversary of mine who I have never met) for naming my tour the I Hate Belle And Sebastian tour. Sorry. In deference to you, Mr. Eric, the tour has been renamed the I Hate Annoying British Pansy Rock…And Gnats tour. It's more subtle, don't you think?

And now, a day in the life of Adam Riff™:
8:00 am
Papa Riff®: Adam Riff™! Wake up! You're gonna be late for school!
Adam Riff™: Yes, massa.
12:00 pm
Jamba Juice Employee: You sure you don't want to try our new pork boost with your Strawberries Wild?
Adam Riff™: Yes, massa.
1:00 pm
Woj: Do you think we should proofread this "Three Ring Circumcision" column before it goes to press?
Adam Riff™: No, massa.
7:30 pm
Bruce Vilanch: Am I the hottest, sexiest wanker on Hollywood Squares?
Adam Riff™: Yes, massa.
10:00 pm
Jon: Suck my dick.
Adam Riff™: Y- Hey, wait a minute…
Just then, a dark green Ford Explorer crashes into the room.
Jon: Oh, for crying out loud! Not you again!
Rory B: Ah, shut the fuck up, Jon! I've had enough of you and this insensitive shit you call a post. Now bow down, bitch, and get what's comin' to you!
Jon: [whimpering] Yes, massa.
Rory and Adam Riff™ proceed to beat on Jon until he is a bloody mess.
Rory B: Oops!…I did it again. Hehe. Sucka.
Rory and Adam Riff™ head to the local Denny's.
Jon: [vengefully] You'll never get away with this! Damn you, class of 2001. Damn you all to hell! [collapses]

Editor's note: I give too much credit to Rory Brown. Let's hope he delivers at Wrestlepalooza.

Who will win the fatal four-way hell in the cell main event and sole possession of Jonathan Yu's soul? (out of 189847 votes)
Jonathan Yu • 7938 votes • 4%
Rory Brown • 6138 vote • 3%
Adam Riff™ • 166667 votes • 88%
Britney Spears • 9104 votes • 5%
Something is rotten in the state of California.

Semantic Subterfuge

Hey, everybody! I have an announcement to make: Wrestlepalooza has been moved to Sunday May 13th for several reasons. First, I was booked a while back to appear in Evanston, IL (hick town) on May 9 as part of my I Hate Belle And Sebastian tour, and I want to honor that engagement. Coincidentally, as part of the tour, I'm scheduled to be at Madison Square Garden on the 13th. What better place to hold the grandaddy of imaginary internet sports entertainment events than at the world's most famous arena? It's a helluva lot better than staging the show at some shithole like Ryan Field. Also, I kinda need to script Wrestlepalooza and to do so, I kinda need…time. Hooray for procrastination. I apologize for any inconvenience caused by the change in dates. Sorry. Boy, I say that word a lot.

While we're on the subject of Wrestlepalooza, I'd like to take some time to talk about the Wrestlepalooza matches that were pulled for one reason or another and didn't make it onto the card. For example, Ryan Condon's opponent in the first blood match was originally intended to be Miriam Cutler, but Ms. Cutler was pulled when we realized that Mr. Condon would probably hesitate when asked to beat a girl into a bloody pulp. Better to maul the first lady instead. We also wanted Jacob Markovitz to take on Jakob Dylan in a ladder match. Then, we came to the realization that this joke was no longer funny and never was. I think the weirdest match we conceived but later pulled due to its impracticality was Marie Antoinette versus Marie Callender one-on-one in a giant oven. Oh, I wish.

Okay, I wanna clear something up. "Lady Marmalade" by Christina Aguilera, Pink, M™a, and Lil' Kim is a COVER of a Patti LaBelle song. These four ladies are by no means original enough to come up such a catchy song. I mean, this is not what a real musical artist looks like. Actually, the Missy Elliott-produced "Lady Marmalade" is the first single off the soundtrack to the upcoming Baz Lurhmann movie Moulin Rouge, in which cover songs are prominently featured. Other remakes you can look forward to include a Beck and Timbaland cover of David Bowie's "Diamond Dogs," a Jose Feliciano cover of The Police's "Roxanne," and a Ewen McGregor cover of Elton John's "Your Song."

Fuck Morrie! Spend your Tuesday with these links:
1 • see me do this on my tour
2 • Alex Roome, this is for you
3 • the Japanese are funny
4 • what they eat in Evanston, IL
5 • who knew this even existed?
6 • you probably think this site is about you
7 • talk about a fashion faux pas
8 • oh man…
9 • finally, I have found it!