This weekend, I unexpectedly received e-mail from two people (who shall remain nameless) that explicitly drew attention to my crippling lack of intelligence. All right…you got me. I'm stupid. Why do think I'm considering English for a major? My geography, math, and yearbook skills have never been particularly strong, and coupled with an affliction of impulsive behavior, what you have is one dim-witted kid. Recently, my memory has begun to fail me too. I've taken to writing messages on my body like the guy in Memento. More often that not, you'll see a message like "remember Marcel Proust" scrawled on my arm or "fact #1: grows when touched" in permanent ink on my dick. Sometimes there's so much crap in the world to remember I feel like I can't take it…and my heart is going to cave in. Luckily, we have computers to do the work for us, right? Yeah. If only the actual computer technology weren't so frustrating to deal with…
RealPlayer
I don't know what it is about RealPlayer that I hate. Maybe it's the fact it sucks. Or maybe it's because all the buffering in the world can't make the new Blink-182 song stream efficiently enough so that I can actually listen to it intact. And I have a T1 connection! Just for reference, RealPlayer also offers streaming video, more commonly known as "slideshow for the mentally-challenged."
Windows ME (Millennium Edition)
You know that book Windows For Dummies? Well, think of Windows ME as the movie based on it. When it comes to operating systems, Mac OS X and Windows XP are where it's at.
yahoo.com
What's the purpose of using Yahoo! to search when they give you search results from Google? I want the fascist and discriminatory Yahoo! search results of yore, not Google.
Napster
I am not exactly known for embracing new technologies. I mean, I just got Instant Messenger in February. I kinda enjoy taking take my time, you know, weighing the pros and cons, and to tell you the truth, I really don't see what all the fuss is about concerning this "Napster." I finally downloaded the program last week only to discover that I couldn't find any files. What's up with that? File sharing, my ass. I got a file sharing system for you. It's called "socialism." Works great!
America Online
The unholy alliance. America Online is one of those things, like Microsoft, that's simply too easy to make fun of. Case in point: according to Elvin, "They [America Online] fuck everything up once they get their hands on it. ICQ, Winamp, Netscape." I personally believe that America Online is leading our youth down a moral sewer. No, seriously, I think that using America Online (or "AOL," as the kids call it) is analogous to visiting Epcot Center in lieu of actually traveling around the world. AOL wallows in the gray area between kitsch and postmodernism, where it masks and/or takes the place of reality and (to its customers) presents a version of the internet that's seemingly even better than the real thing, replete with colorful graphics and that voice that says, "You've got mail." How long can this fake theme park internet fantasy go on? How many coasters (nee CDs) am I gonna get in the mail before it all comes crashing down? We'll never know…
salon.com
Too trendy. Bordering on Starbucks trendy.