Big and For Rent

Jon: Many people think Rory Hornblower is a figment of my imagination. Well, let me tell you, Rory Hornblower is a real person. Say "hi," Rory.
Rory: G'day. My name is Rory Hornblower and I exist. I am not just some fictional character that Jon made up to hide the fact that he has no friends.
Jon: All right, Rory. That's enough. Hehe…
Rory: I repeat, I am NOT a pseudonym used by Jon in order to make it seem like he actually has a social life.
Jon: Shut the fuck up, Hornblower! And get out of my head, er, house.
Rory: Bloody wanker. [exits]
Jon: So now then. What did I do this past week?
Samn: Ahem.
Jon: Wha-? Who the fuck are you?
Samn: I'm Samn, your subconscience. If I may… This week you had five wet dreams.
Jon: Okay, let's not go there.
Samn: Right. What shall we talk about then?
Jon: Well, Tuesday night, I watched WWF No Way Out with a guy on my floor who always calls me "Bear."
Samn: And you don't know why he refers to you as "Bear." You're not Russian.
Jon: Wednesday night, I went to see Zebrahead, one of my favorite bands, at the El Rey Theatre.
Samn: You thought the show rocked, even though the three openings acts (Handsome Devil, Grand Theft Audio, Sprung Monkey) didn't deserve an hour each.
Jon: Wow. You know me pretty well, Samn. What did I do Thursday night?
Samn: You analyzed different recordings of Pachelbel's Canon for two hours.
Jon: Ha! You fool! That's what I did in class Thursday morning!
Samn: Err…
Jon: You like apples?
Samn: Umn…
Jon: How do you like them apples? Thursday night, I went to see the first screening of The Mummy Returns in Century City.
Samn: Ah…
Jon: It was good for a summer movie, more of the cheesy-special-effects-laden throwaway entertainment of the original Mummy. Conceptually, however, this movie shamelessly steals from everything: Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, Gladiator, The Lost World: Jurassic Park 2, The Matrix, etc.
Samn: At least it wasn't Freddy Got Fingered.
Jon: Yeah. I saw that movie Friday night and it sucked George W. Bush ass.
Samn: I mean, how do you finger a guy?
Jon: I dun- Hey, wait a minute… Get the fuck out of the closet, Rory!
Rory: What are you talking about? I'm Samn. I'm intangible. Rory Hornblower is a chimera created by you to partially satisfy that pipe dream of yours of not being a loner.
Jon: That's it, Hornblower. Lock and load. [gets up to attack Hornblower]
Samn: Eres un perdedor! You're a loser, baby, so why d-
Just then, a dark green Ford Explorer crashes into the room. A man gets out of the car. It is…Rory Brown.
Jon: Oh my God. It's Rory Brown. [whimpering] Don't rape me.
Rory B: Be quiet, you pathetic dickhead. I know how reverse psychology works. Now, we Rorys of the world have to stick up for each other. C'mon, Hornblower. Let's go to Denny's. But first…
Both Rorys proceed to beat on Jon until he is a bloody mess. Then, they go to Denny's.
Jon: [vengefully] I'll get you, Rory Brown. See you at Wrestlepalooza!

Who should win the inferno match? (out of 27 votes)
Eminem • 8 votes • 30%
Tiger Woods • 19 votes • 70%

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