It's a good week for movies. On Friday (4-20!), Freddy Got Fingered and Crocodile Dundee In Los Angeles hit theaters everywhere. I can't wait.
We interrupt this post for a message from Martin:
"My cows are coming down on me and the utters wish they were like those in that new Tom Green flick. Is Tom supposed to be "Freddy" or is it some chick and you have to see the movie to win a chance to finger her? Who names their daughter Freddy, anyway? What dickheaded parents!"
Well said, Martin. The only female Freddy I know of is Freddie Mercury. Hahahahaha. Get it? Freddy and Freddie? Hahahahaha. It's a homonym! Hahahahaha.
Now back to the regularly scheduled post.
I cry every time I see the movie preview for Pearl Harbor. It's just so moving. "It was the end of innocence, and the dawn of a nation's greatest glory." Listen to those words. Don't they break your heart? You know, Pearl Harbor actually looks like a good historical movie, if you disregard the fact that it stars Ben Affleck and was made by the team that brought us The Rock and Armageddon.
You need balls to name your son "Christian," because that's putting a lot of pressure on your kid to live up to his name. Being a manic-depressive named "Happy" or a washed-up B-actor named "Judge" is nothing compared to the torture of going around in life with the name "Christian," especially when all you really want to do is get circumcised and eat matzah every April for a week.
I also feel sorry for those Mexicans named "Jesus." People are always claiming that Jesus loves them. Well, what if you're a misanthrope named "Jesus"? What do you do then?
When I marry Cameron Diaz, convert to Mormonism, and have kids, I think I'll fuck up their lives too by naming them "Catholic," "Buddhist," "Hindi," "Krishna," "Muslim," "Scientologist," "Shintoist," "Taoist," "Wiccan," and "Jehovah's Witness," respectively. Oh wait, that only accounts for ten of them. Let's name the twins "Rapist" and "One Testicle" for good measure. Cheaper by the dozen. Hey! Must be the money.
No, I don't want to save 15% off my next purchase. Look, I bought one (one!) record from you guys three (three!) years ago, and I would extremely appreciate it if you would STOP FUCKING SENDING ME FUCKING E-MAILS FUCKING INFORMING ME THAT I CAN FUCKING SAVE 15 FUCKING PERCENT OFF MY NEXT FUCKING PURCHASE! Thank you.
I pulled the first official Wrestlepalooza poll prematurely because it was going nowhere slow. The results:
Who should win the triple threat last man standing match? (out of 19 votes)
Fred Durst • 0 votes • 0%
Daniel Clemens • 1 vote • 5%
Tim Farrell • 18 votes • 95%
I want to know who voted for Daniel Clemens. Nonconformist bastard.